when I am all alone in my room it's peaceful physically. Although mentally my head is so busy and loud its not funny. I tend to stare off into space and think about my mom and and dad actually my whole biological family. How there not there for me and never have been unless it was to have something to be blamed on me even if I didnt do it. I would take the blame for it and move on hurt in everyway you could imagine. Hurt to the piont where I could let go of them and never look back again. Although I just keep going back back to get there approval over every little thing. So I can just feel there love even if it hurt me I knew it was still love love from them. As I live with a non bio family member I think I am wasting alot of time by hurting myself and them alot. When I have a family right where I am that loves me like I was there biological family memeber. There child and there sister. I dont need to go through all the pain I put myself into to get the love I am looking for I have it right where I am. The parents treat me just like there children. The kids they treat me like there own sisters and brother. I believe I was sent through all the things I was sent through so I could know and feel what a real family feels like. Like conconditional love and disapline. They consider me one of there children when they introduce me to someone they already know they introduce me as there daughter. I know that they love me and would do anything to protect me from any harm at all no matter what I know if my husband was beating me or my children my mom would kick his *** tell he couldnt move and would go to jail for it. I know thats how much they love me and same thing with my dad. Of course I still love my biological parents I always will but I know 100% I am safe, wanted blame free when its not my fault and loved right where I am. For me to be able to move on and heal my wounds my biological family did to me I have to let them go. That doesnt meen I wont ever get to see them it meens not putting myself out there to see them and in the end getting hurt. I have to remind myself if they want to see me they will call me I don't have to call them and set myself up for hurt. Even if they don't call me and don'twant to see me I now that I didnt do anything wrong. I have a family right here to love me and give me the attention I need that I never had. To give me advice when I need it to guide me in the right path to disapline me into a strong independant women. So when its time to flap my wings and fly I can do it on my own and do strong. Stronger then I even imagined I can ever be before I met Kelly and Carl my true parents. The ones that have shown me the true meening of life, family and love. They have shown me I don't need the extra baggage on me and need my biological parents to approve every little thing I do. That I don't need to get hurt by my biological parents and family and be blamed for every little thing my parents did while I was a child I can live through life not feeling guilty for taking the blame for that because I know it wasnt my fault I was just a child being put through hell and back. Shoved from one home to another and blamed for my biological parents drugs and alcohol abuse. I can let all of it go and live and soon flap my wings and fly my life the way it should have been flown in the begining. How do I let go of all the extra baggage is support from my true family and my true friends. I would never be able to get through life without them.

i think the problem was a shocking surprise
your grass was always greener on the other side
the grass here, it was not perfect,no
but its still more than you were deserving of though
the things i dreamt of before  the chippy
rush away in the wind,its just whipping
whipping down and off my balcony
whipping it around in a bittersweet symphony
whipping it around right back at my face
just like you did its a ******* disgrace
the good new for me though is things have changed
i am not the same girl that youd thought id remain
im stronger,and better,for all that you did.
you are not you now,not to me
now you're just one of "them"
them.
the word i despise
the herd they all follow
with secrets and lies
the sheepherd that stumbles their pathetic lives
and i have to say i am not surprised
dissapointed,well,yes
but i knew all along i called you on it
your denial ran so deep you believed your own lies
my so called soul-mate is just another guy
and that thing,that unrealistic fairytale you claim is void
i can almost feel it so loud is the noise
so loud is my heart telling me hes out there
and he wont lie,or hit,and his words wont despair
so deep, so lovely,so pure and true
and im sorry but now that could never be you
i went from sad to bitter to nothing
and thats why now when i write it will be about something
my words just as beautiful as my kind heart
you are undeserving of them buddy and thats only a start
oh hes out there just trust me he is
and youll still be hopping from flea to skizz
from sleezy to trampy to **** videos
and i will be doing art and poetry shows
i will be where i belong, and you will too
where the grass grew
the grass we talked on the grass we played with
it is brown and withered and **** near dead
but i suppose that is what i get
should have fished with a worm and not a net
a net catches garbage,things left behind
but a worm,thats the true blue fish that i will find
there are fish and water where that grass grew
and this is the end,im starting anew
enjoy your petty sick little games
in a year i wont even remember your name
and you wont remember mine, because your a memeber of the herd for show
but trust me you will sir,remember my soul
my eyes my smile my laugh my fun
my honesty,integrity,and my son
my mother my father my brother my dog
yes,even aries will go along
for the trip that you take to visit me from long ago
and youll be sitting where the grass grows
the grass only grows in your memories now
and you only think of me alone in your house
that girl you once knew when you were young
and will you consider that you were dumb
to give up green grass, for grass on the other side
and while you chased the brown grass, my love for you died
the brown grass is everywhere its a million the same
but the green grass,me and chippy will remain
in your memory, in your mind,when things get quiet
i know you'll think of it like a riot
youll wish you could go back and start anew
where YOUR former green grass once grew
where the grass grew back on the other side
where the flowers grew wild and were so alive
now you smell sulfur and cheap perfume
around tons of people but alone in a room
youll someday feel really blue
about where your green grass once grew.
where the grass grew. where the grass grew. its a memory now
and you cant forget you dont know how
all you know is its heartbreaking how much you miss it too
where the grass grew,where to grass grew.

.by now, just, plain, weird, but that's life... sometimes it has its magic, oh nothing spectacular... i once befriended a real outcast in school, who was into pokemon cards and finally fantasy VII... hunchback, really crooked teeth... well... the english sort of "crooked", that's what gets you in the deep water when associated with the french, the french critique of the english: bad teeth and the perpetual english cold... bad breath too... but i figured... might as well help the poor ****** in getting a C in double-standard science at a g.c.s.e. level, i even took graphic design and joined with him in making phone-cards for phoneboxes, back when that was a thing, alongside spare change... martin... martin elliker... as far as i'm concerned, he wasn't bullied... but my other fwend reminds me how i "bullied"... ****... forget his name... no, i just punched him once... when i heard that he ate dog **** because some girl said so and he thought he was going to get laid... bullying, or sense-bashing? take your pick. like today, poker-faced matthew... waiting in line at the supermarket cashiers, in front of me? mr. penguin... literally... no hollywood makeup... kitkats, wipes... and tangarines... altogether the whole lot worth about 40 quid... trousers too long, you couldn't even see the shoes... disorientated, clearly mentally ill... on the way out hand on the back and an inquiry: you're o.k.? he looks at me like he was woken up... razors... sorry, what? i need razors... the staff recruit runs up and i tell him: he's going back to buy some razors and shave... it's not even that beards are intimidating... then? alcoholic ginger ale... a bus driver with a conundrum... the road is too tight... so i orientate him to pass through... one of his wheels gets stuck in a traffic island crossing... but we manage... he goes through... and all this, prior to what? magic! i'm walking to my local shop... the sunset is hanging in the sky, or rather, a streak of sunset illuminating the clouds, moving slowly west... amber, cherry, plum, peaches, oranges, apples, pulp of passion fruit... i'm walking looking up... in the background a car filled with 20-something lads, one out them shouts to me, starts waving, i wave back... apparently... we share the same aesthetic demands of this world, or rather: we both appreciate it... drive-by: you're seeing what i'm seeing? yes, i am... and you also like what i'm seeing? yes, i am... a night of a full moon... nox regina... that's the fun part of the day... someone hollers at you from a car, someone younger, of the same ***, since you are aghast at the beauty of the sky come sunset and someone shares the same sentiments as you... i find that the most intimate relationships are founded in the realm where only strangers exist... and by intimate, and by strangers i'm also implying an intimiacy that only lasts between a few seconds or a few minutes... since strangers do not test their validity of reciprocated interests, one moment and it's universally mutual... which is sad... come toward the timeframe of "friendship" when the labyrinth is raised and all that ******* of: bwest fwend etc. *******... lineage and concerns for "authenticity" or... "allegiance"... today i made a friend... he was being driven and shouted out from the car... waved, i waved back, he spotted that i was looking at the clouds come sunset... to be honest? relativism... i shared more insight into this shared existence with that brief encounter, than i would ever, talking ******* with a fwend over a pint of beer. the end.

out of curiosity,
is the modern day equivalent
of owning a mobile
phone, akin to owning
a credit card?

   i played around with
credit spending in my early
20s, primarily to ensure
i had a credit score,

but after a while i just went
full debit...
         how, i managed,
to ward off using the credit
system,
   and instead,
   succumbing to a solely
debit system,
i'll never know...

      once i went into my bank,
lied about a family memeber
dying,
   being granted
      an overdraft limit,
subsequently spending it
over a period of 3 hours
in a brothel,
yet somehow, not gaining
access to a *******,
out of my own wish...

   'ello hermit-kind...
maybe still having a *******
allows me to...
   withhold certain
"unfulfilled" desires...
or maybe i'm just plain
boring...
  and my tastes are...
too...
            simplistic...
or maybe...
          i have allowed myself
to churn a "thought"
into a medium that requires
about as much as
the devil would allow
for two idle hands...
          
                otherwise... no...
i really don't know what
credit implies,
having followed strict debit
regulations...
   the last mobile phone
i ever owned was a...
      ha ha... a blueberry...
talk about "walking on water"
from circa 2007 through to
2019...
                
     i've simply returned
to the genesis story of the internet...
it's less a mobile environment,
and more an iron maiden fixed
point of "departure"...

   a "departure" of me,
sitting before a plank slate...
and irritating it with my words...
into a feud of valency...
    thinking being the prime
example...
   watching an authentic incel
mutter to himself,
and for me to hear,
while buying several bags
of crisps...

                'oh dear, oh dear',
like some white rabbit imitation...
there is no alice,
and there never will be:
any alice to begin with, savvy?
you your way, i toward mine,
i'm just here for the whiskey...
all of course,
as an afterthought...
        
              2 ******* hours of delirium,
revising that old fear
of biting my teeth together,
which would translate into
a quasi-epileptic fit,
   stemming from an electric
surge from my teeth
upon the clench, and
movement into my stomach,
gripping it with a fist-like
imitation grip, sending out
               shaking and shivering
within the confines
          of an ****** of pain...

        over the years...
i've come to understand pain,
to be the highest form of pleasure,
something that makes
a man either a stoic,
     or an erotomaniac...

          either bound to be between
the skulls and ribs...
or... among the oysters and mollusks
of a worth of genitals.

           ghost, by far,
the most melodic band these days...
               sooner or later
the cigarettes will run out,
and i'll still have a packet of tobacco
left in the hoard...
   how much will that be,
rolling tobacco once more.