I don't understand. Who am I? What am I? Am I alive or not or am I a dream. Am I an aspiration or a thought or a thing that I myself can't explain or explore. I don't understand what I was made for, who was I made for or what I was made to do. Sometimes I think, what's real from fake, what's right from wrong. I never understand whether what I'm doing is right or wrong, I am different from the others, I talk different, I look different, I act different, I behave and think different from all others and I believe that I am different from the rest for a reason. Sometimes I think about me and others canally. What are we, are we toys, are we a game, are we so kind of lab rat or a test to see what is to be change for the other set to come. Why were we 'Humans' created, for what purpose, to be who, to be what, to do what, are we all I a vision are we all an illusion are we all a prop for God's play or 'plan'. I don't understand. Why did he made us, was he lonely, and is he still lonely. Is he afraid of being alone, is he bored of being alone, or is he alone? Do he have anyone out there like him, is there any one like him that lerks out there. Who is he? Is he God, who is God, what is God,.... Where is God? Is he too mighty to talk to us, is he too good to walk with us, is he too holy to coexist with us, or is he too high to get our level. Is it because he made us, and feels that we should be in sin, why do we have sin, didn't he made us with sin. Because he knew we were going to sin, he knew when, he knew how, and he knew when and why and what time of the day. Or do he? Does he really know, does he really see all, does he love all. What do he loves, what is love is it real or just a ******* of a lie to be or to feel something that's not true. I believe and yet I don't believe. Because I see too much that came to past that made me think about my existence and why I was made. Do we have to believe, do we have to obey, do we have to love, or do we have to live. Do we have to do right or are destine to do wrong. Do we have to choose or what to choose. I don't need a vision, I don't need a test, I don't need a sign to believe. But I believe that I need a reason and a purpose and understanding ot belive. I find its no fare to be faithful and loyal and honest and respectful and obedient, for what, for who and why? I want to choose, I want to understand, I want to believe, I want to be me, but I don't know who's me. He said to fear him and love and serve home in spirit and in truth. I get so afraid that my heart literally beats faster every time I think about what might happen if I don't pray for the day, and when I sleep, and when I eat and what might happen if I don't pray for the things I have. I feel afraid every day and night and I can't take it any more. Is this the fear that he means is this the love that he means is this the faith he want us to have, to live in a fear of our lives just because he created us. Then they say that we don't have the right to answer or question him. But don't we have a voice and a choice to make, then why we can't speak to him or why wont he speak to us. Is he afraid to be wrong is he afraid to appear as false and a liar. If he is all mighty and powerful then why did he let sin live and why does he still let it. Why don't he destroy is all and enjoy the company of the one he created a little higher than us, why don't he live in peace and harmony with his watchers. Does he feel that lucifer will laugh at him for breaking his promise to man, or being weak, or being stressed out and unsatisfied of what man have become. If not why don't destroy us all, be mighty, be powerful, be the lords of lords and the kings of kings. Because I see no difference between you and your forbidden son or fruit. He is trying to prove man and you are trying to prove man, he's interested in the many he can take and you are happy with the many you get. The only difference is that you can live forever with out us but he can't live at all without you. He knows he going to die and he doesn't care. So why should we. Aren't we like him sinful and want to be like you so we creat our own religion and sect. Aren't we like him in a way that all we want is to be free and all powerful like you and live in peace and harmony. Or are you afraid if you make us like you we would over throw you or no longer need you and you would be back to square one, 'Almighty Lonely'. So these are my questions and I know they won't be answered, but they would be written down. So answer to me if we as the wheat live with the unholy then how can the tares become wheat and wheat become tares, why are we forgiven but the devil as they call him can't be. Is it his purpose in this life. What if we all chose to be like him would you care then, would you walk away and leave us to burn. If you leaveth your own son to suffer without a second chance then why are still here, why are we still forgiven, why are we still loved but he's not. Isn't he your son, then what are we to you if we are not appreciated be you. We are nothing without you, so why can't we be free for as long as we wish or is it that the time is closer now, is it that you chose to come now or you are impatient to wait for those who want to enjoy the freedom, their humanhood, their lives and their wishes in this world before there is no more of it. Please I beg you let me be, I will not forget you, nor your words, nor your teavhings, but I will always be conscious of who and what you are, because I don't understand? I love you and I don't need to see you, I have faith and the same applies, all I ask is the opportunity to be a sinner and a born proud one that you made me as. I am wrong yes I acknowledge it everyday I awake from my slumber and all I ask is to have a mercy on me and not my soul, because the flesh is weak but my heart, my soul is willing to serve you in spirit and in truth.
