The weight of the world on her shoulders versus the pressure from her own mind is enough to make her shout out and scream, enough to break her beyond repair, its enough to destroy her from the inside out, people try to crumble her, tear her down under false pretense of "helping", they don't understand how easily help can turn into hurt,they always say "no one can love you until you learn to love yourself" I guess i'll never be loved then because i have been trying to love myself every day of my life with no success, "just do it" isn't easy with depression "get your attitude straight" isn't easy when you cant understand how you feel "it'll be okay" I know that! but anxiety is good at painting ugly pictures leaving you petrified. The feeling of impending doom that comes looming over you at the most random or the worst possible moments, the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed or even live some days, the feeling of driving everyone away because you distance yourself in order not to be a burden, no,no, not a burden, they say you arent a burden, your mind says differently though... heres the truth, youre never told about how badly it hurts when you pull yourself out of bed feeling so empty like you have this huge hole in your gut, it... its indescribable, this weight on your chest when you want to cry but you cant breathe, when it gets to much and you have no outlet and you want so badly to reach for that knife to take the pain away but you force yourself away, or the feeling that something will go wrong and you just want to hide, you cant trust anyone, you cant even trust yourself because WHAT IF! the feeling that you're slipping away again and you're trying so hard to hold it together, when your emotions drain and you feel like a shell of who you were, you want to scream out but you cant, you cant tell anyone how badly it hurts because you cant accurately describe whats going on in your mind, so you study until your mind spins, just trying to find the right **** words to say but nothing ever comes close to the pain you have inside, the frusteration of the random anger and sadness, the worry and hatred, the pure feeling of unadulterated insanity! You finally say something and break down in tears because its all too much but venting dosent make you feel any better so you lock yourself away, you cut yourself off from everyone because you dont want to be seen so broken down, but that somehow makes it worse because you worry about everyone else, so you end up in an endless cycle, You tell yourself youre stronger, you can beat this, then the attacks come on and the flashbacks and you break again, youre exausted and feel like your at the end of your rope but yet you still hold on for everyone else, the doctors dont help and neither do the meds but you say they do, you say youre getting better but you arent, your dying and screaming inside but you dont let anything out, you hold your breath count to ten and try again, maybe one day this feeling will go away, youre fragile but resilient, you feel nothing and everything, you cant do this anymore but you have to... for everyone else, because you dont know how your story will end but it cant end now, not when it hasnt even gotten good yet, you cant let the deamons in your head win, not yet... not now... not this time...
write down my thoughts without erasing or corrections, post them annonomously. maybe this will help someone know they arent completely alone in this...
