time does not flow
forward for me now,
its movement is crooked,
like a confused river flowing north.
I don't ask questions anymore.
I don't steer this ship towards my
own destiny.
I keep my head down and listen.
and continue working
smiling in pain.
yes yes this is good.
this is great.
I don't have the nerve to ask for more.
what you do is more than
I could ask for.
yes yes
see you later.
nightmares rend my sleeping mind
I awaken soaking through sheets
the room is freezing.
I blink and hope the waking
amnesia doesn't disappate before I can crash again

Like a train wreck, happening at break neck.
My vivification starts to tear it's self apart. left sitting staring at the start.
One day maybe this penchant for self hate with break and disappate.
Right now I just want to scream.
From the top of my lungs to the bottom of the lowest stream.
The anger and the pain bubbling over like a cauldron.
An emotional squadron aimed to attack and destroy
anything that incites those feelings of joy.
A pathetic mess of a man, Barely clinging on to who I am.
Questioning my own sentience ashamed I can barely finish a sentence
because those thoughts barge in. Then slowly losing myself begins.
Make a call to the sponsor, that's a commitment I have to honor.
Emotion pours out and finally breath abates.
Hard to breathe with the viscosity of this hate.
Thick like sanguine told it all just takes time.
But the anxiety kicks on and the peace is gone.
Forsaken for the fruits of a younger me. Sad I get left for what I used to be.
Hard not to want to saddle up when you're feeling like you just aren't up to *****.
Get on my horse and just take the long ride.
Maybe if I get lucky this time I'll just die.

A seat by a window is all I ask
where I can see beyond the walls
of captivity
and watch clouds
like whispered truths,
hiding in plain sight
roll and collide
and contradict
and disappate.

A seat by a window
so I can see beyond what I know
so I can grasp hope
so I can chance to witness something
beautiful.

But all I see is a group of kids
with their hands on their *****
playing dice
and shouting at mothers
pushing babies in strollers
and spitting.

affection, it's a funny thing.
the way it touches people, the way it can feel so infinite and then disappate
all at once in another moment.
the smile it nutures onto your face, and the nostalgia that seems to pull me into a melancholy basin of memories
I've felt such deep affection for a number of people
but it seems
I can only love
a few at a time,
at most.
it makes me terribly sad that
I can forget the affection so easily,
how lonely and painful
it must be
to wait for the person you love and never
see their face again
I wish I didn't have to hurt people
like that