i still don't know what
i'm trying to say
like dissecting a frog
in 1500 ways
looking for different yellow parts
that piece together like
a baby's first breath
like touching yourself
with your other hand
and pretending it's someone
else
maybe i feel ordinary
because i've never made love
or ******
under the volcanic ash
of someone's dark
body
never let anyone
park inside
the yellow lines
that trace my body
like ridges in
the earth
like gaps in
time that i cannot
take back
i have no idea what i'm
trying to say like
boxed wine
and a kiss from a girl
at 7 am
on third floor north
hall in college
like slicing people
into their better halves
and accepting them
like the way time is  
supposed to heal
but doesn't
i still don't know what
i'm trying to say when i think
about uncle tyger's voice
rewinding time
like green grass on
the park that day
like war and sand
like hot air and forgiving
i still don't know what
i'm trying to say
when i see myself
shedding my skin
like spring in heat
evolving like the best
portrait
of human nature
i'm not afraid to be
caught loving you
in the harsh elements
even though
i still don't know
what i'm trying to
say

captured in the psych ward, meet olly thomson



in the dark night a good samaritan named olly thomson was having a lot of problems

with his mind, you see it all started when he was visioning his little cat diamond was turning

wild to his eyes, and he had this vision from god to heal diamond, with his voices telling him what

to do.   first diamond jumped onto olly’s computer, like he was sending a message, and the first

voice came saying, you must get rid of diamond, cause you see he is not diamond, he is much more

than that, you see at first he thought it was his best mate brett who died, and wanted to save him

and he was saying come on calm down diamond, calm down diamond, you have to remain calm

i will heal you diamond and then diamond started to fight back and another voice from an old school mate peter

saying, it’s a raccoon, **** it, we don’t want any of them in this country and then diamond let out a little meow

as if he was very scared and then linty chamberlain came into olly’s head saying, you must **** your cat, for it

is the dingo that killed my baby daughter Azaria, and olly’s dad said, it’s our cat diamond, he could be brett

he could be a raccoon and he could be the dingo that killed azaria, and diamond was dead and olly said, what have i done

and olly’s parents came down after they called the police, and they wanted to know what was bothering olly, and when

the police arrived, first they had a word with him, and then they carted olly off to the HDU, to get a mental health assessment

and as olly got caught the old mens kids who used to be his friend said, your not like us anymore olly and we don’t like you anymore

olly and illy said one word in the back of the paddy wagon, which was, i am the guy, your mother warned you about, you see olly

got that saying off the movie cabin by the lake, and the police ?shut the paddy wagon door on olly and drove him off to the HDU,

and when he arrived, all the mental health professionals were there, and olly was kicking and screaming and ron gave him a shot

of ****** to calm him down and then when he was completely calm the nurses allowed olly into the HDU, where olly did nothing

but watch the television, and talk to the nurses and also olly got on very well with charlie chaplin and patty roe, who had very good

conversations, and harry at the first glance of olly said, i am going to **** you, and ron went over to olly to ask him some questions

about why he is in there and olly said i am 323 years old and born on christmas day, and i lived underground while the dinosaurs

were roaming around the earth, and ron then brought out the breakfast trays, and then handed out the morning medications

and illy was handed risperidal, which was made to calm him down and he stayed on melleril as well, and at first risperidal was

helping him write stories, fact or fiction and he wrote a story which one of the nurses read saying, olly was the great don lane

and the don lane show was olly’s way to escape his painful voices, although none of that was in the poem he wrote about

him being don lane and then tommy came out to watch TV and olly touched tommy on his ***** saying, you are my best mate

on my pirate ship, and i remember tying you up in the bottom room on the deck and tommy said LEAVE ME ALONE YA ****

and went over to the nurses to put in a complaint about olly and every time olly’s parents came, and at the second they leave

olly jumped up and threw a very big tantrum needing four doctors to calm him down, and then olly went back to his chair to

watch TV and wait for his next visit by his parents, you see olly was a bit of a loner, you see his only real friends are his parents

and that was the reason why he killed his cat diamond, and he said to harry, ya know i am 323 years old and born on christmas day

and harry said, can you shut up, i don’t want to hear your constant chatter, because i have killed many a man, and i am devious and

cunning enough to **** you, while your in here, and olly said, i was the original santa claus and harry said ******* ****, i don’t care

who you are, you are fucken bothering me and then harry got up and walked over to hassle the nurses and then ron came out with

the lunches and olly said, thank you, i can do with a decent feed and charlie chaplin said yeah, but it’s not a decent feed here

and harry said, you expect me to eat this slop and threw his lunch all over olly and he said, is that any way to treat your ancestors

you see i am 323 years old and born on christmas day and my first life was your great great great great great grandfather and harry said

shut up **** and get the **** away from me, olly wood and olly said he was a hooligan after that, robbing banks and stealing ships

i even stole blackbeard the pirates ship, and chopped blackbeards head off and harry said SHUT UP **** and after lunch, ron went over to the TV room

to talk with olly and said, do you know you are ******* people off here and olly said, of course, but it ain’t my fault, i was merely stating out i was

harry’s ancestor and ron said, here is a eppelin, ok, it will control your overactive imagination and olly said, i am 323 years old and born on christmas day

and then said, i could be, you don’t know, your just a lousy psychiatrist, i am the spiritual healer of the land and ron went into his office to search

the web to find out olly’s problem and there was this new drug which can calm an overactive imagination which was seroquel, you know 700 mills

will control your mind, but it can hype your overactive imagination, so we may need to give you another drug called serenade, and keep

him here in the HDU for a few weeks to be monitored, as this medication mightn’t work and then at 5, ron brought out the dinners and ron spoke to

olly about changing his medication, to seroquel and serenace, but you must cooperate with us, because for some people seroquel can hype

you up, and the serenace is there to calm the seroquel down and olly said, when i was a kid, i was treated like an llke an old fogies kid  or a hooligan

and i reckon that i need something for that because, i know my mates have moved on, but my illness says they moved on swearing to never muck

with the old fogie, olly, he’s not like us, cause he goes to bed early and olly said, there is another name he was called, a old bludger or a dole bludger

which could be because he had no cool friends when he was at school, and olly considered himself very cool and in 1 hour, ron brought out the nightly medications

and first to tommy, then to charlie and over to patty and over to harry and then he gave the seroquel and serenace to olly and olly said can i have a coke please

and ron went away got olly a cup of coke and clocked off and bought a pizza and went home to watch TV, and falling asleep on the couch, as usual, thinking

today went very well, he THINKS.

Captured in the psych ward part 12



This was a weird day for Ron, you see, he has to make sure that all the patients
Get the right dose of their medication,and he likes to be friendly to the patients
Cause it's hard for him to be harsh and every time a patient came out saying I am
Charlie Chaplin or Jesus has healed me. Well Ron wasn't ready for our next person
Who was Graham Toad, and he lived a great life in Broadmeadows with his cat
Snowball, off the show the Simpsons and he had a lot of fun with snowball, every
Chance he got, he would throw him around making snowball snarl at him and, this looked weird for the neighbours to see and they hated the idea of this cat being out at night
And asked Graham very nicely to bring his cat in at night, but graham was a sucker
For having a cat out having fun all the time when he wanted, said, ******* ya old fogies
And then went inside and unknown to him, the neighbours rang the police to get them
To come over to teach graham about being nice to his neighbours, and when they came
Over graham said, ******* ya ****, I live my own life here, and if you don't like the way I
Live, you can *******, and the police said to graham, the neighbours are complaining
About you, you need to respect their wishes, to keep quiet at night, and graham said
******* pigs, I don't want you **** around here and then the police left and put snowball
Inside and graham and snowball were having a wrestle and the police were worried about the well being of the cat, and just sat down on his porch and he saw a very violent for a
Cat wrestle going on and the police walked in and said, I have to tackle this cat, you see
It's the dingo that killed Azaria chamberlain, I need to **** the spirit, it's spoiling the aura of this place and the police, put his hand on Graham's shoulder and then graham said I have to do this, and tbe police said, it's your little cute cat snowball graham, and the neighbours
Were watching like a pack of peeping toms, and as graham was being pulled to the car
He said to the neighbours, stop staring at me, you stupid stupid old clots, get off my fucken
Property, and get off it right now and then he pushed the police man down, and ran inside his house and locked the door and told everyone that, he will stay in his house forever,you
See, he said, I will be the judge if I am well, or not and there is no way known to man, that
The psych ward will ever get him and keep him in that psych ward, but the police rang the
Psych ward and they sent the doctor Ron cooper and they rang him up from the cafe
Where, Ron was speaking about the interview with Macauley Culkin he saw on YouTube last night and Fran said, what did he have to say and Ron said, nothing much, just speaking about writing a book and all that jazz, and them Dan said, that Macauley Culkin is a real
Troublemaker, but then Ron said, there is ** such thing as a troublemaker and we should
Be nicer, than those ****** adults of the 80s decade and then the phonecall came and
Ron was called out to Graham's house, to try and convince him to go to the psych ward
And he opened the door, but only to yell,,at the policemen to give his cat to him and then
Ron showed up on his doorstep and said, I don't think so, I know you love this cat, I don't
Think you are ever guilty of ever loving this cat, ok, but if you love him, you will let us take him off you, you see graham there is nothing wrong with being taken to the psych ward
You are sick, you need to be monitored on medication, and then Ron grabbed graham by the arm and graham said ******* ya ****, get off me ya stupid baby man, I want you to
*******, right now ok, if I do go with you, I want you to sleep the first night with me, cause
You go to your warm bed at night, thinking you are king ****, and Ron said, I would be breaking rules, if I did that, things could happen, and graham you are handling this like a
Coward, remember what ya dad used to say and graham said, yeah, my dad ain't around no more and I feel a bit insecure, with going to that psych ward and Ron said, ok, then he told
The police, to leave him here, but Ron said, he will take snowball back to his house and
He bought a weeks worth of cat food and a fish and chip meal and went home to rest
And fell asleep in front of the TV, with the cat running up and down the house, and Ron
Had snowball sniffing his nose,which made him sneeze


Sent from my iPad

remember
your
mid-July
laughter
and the verdant
curves
of your
body that evolve
so eloquently
like monochromatic
cinematography
the sky is smitten
with your
orange
presence
and i
love you

call me your
butterscotch queen
and revel in
my sticky
emotional
unavailibility

You lit me up with just an ember,
My lungs were on fire
that day in December.

You set off a raging hurricane within me,
When the storm landed
my breath billowed
like smoke from a chimney.

That lovelessness, condensate
near killed me.

you see there are problems in the world, but having patrick dunbar and greame thornes

previous life pattern, in my buddha cycle, like having thoughts of going out feeling like kids were playing games

with you, first of all, they will plant all these rats and feral cats and angry dogs, attempting to attack you

at every turn, and also back then when my place was messy, there were rats and dogs just walking in my

parents laundry, and it made me have problems cleaning my house, and i wondered why we saw rats and feral cats

and my cat muscles was also turning feral and i wanted to calm him down, and i started having my hooligans visions

coming when i went out, when i saw kids laughing or screaming in a drain in wanniassa, and this made me feel bad

i told the messiah about it, and he hated it as well, thinking, someone put the kids down there, and then i heard my

mate patrick, say, i am not mucking with the crazy person, because i was getting his clean mind giving me all sorts of delusions

making me feel, he was poisoning my mind with all these delusions like, muscles is the dingo that killed azaria, you see

i was battling my delusions, ya know, having a hard time, with a mate who hated what rupert murdoch was doing to this world

and i was wanting foxtel, but i seriously couldn’t afford, because rupert murdoch had the prices go too high, and when i had

foxtel, i remember i was in dilusion land, ya know, thinking i was getting a private jet to fly to the USA, to volunteer at a major league baseball match

and another thing too, i felt i was given USA TV, because, my delusions were putting the AFL, on the sunday night, and there was

a USAFL match, on there as well, and, i was having a great time doing volunteer work on the street, at the footy, i loved that, and i did

volunteer work at vinnies, i liked that, and i liked playing santa claus too, but i don’t do that now, i picked up all this ******* outside kingsley’s

and i got honoured for that, and i helped cook the meals at the rainbow, i loved that, but nowadays they turned it into a course, and i liked the

idea of giving the mentally ill people a good meal, and i worked at the softball field, in the 2003 masters games, and i cleared tables as well

as other jobs to do around there, i also worked at the kanga cup soccer, but i hated the last day, when they made us do crowd control, not my forte

and because my house was messy, my parents just went mmmm mmmmmm mmmmm, and this drove me crazy, i don’t want to miss out on opportunities

just because my house is untidy, i tried and cleaned my house, the best as i could, but i was hearing voices, you must help here, you must help there

you must help everywhere, the men will talk to me, if i helped people, and i loved when a man said to to me, your doing a good job, mate, and i liked

when men said, keeping busy, mate, and when i said yes, they said good, good, and when i said hello to dad, dad just did a sigh old hi, saying, i was only

like him if i cleaned my house, and yes, i know it’s important to clean my house, so i have a cleaner come Monday mornings, but, i wish there were opportunities

out there, where i can show off my novels to important people, i don’t want any cats anymore, one reason, i can’t look after a cat very well, and i could see lots of

rats and mice in my flat, and i am scared of rats and mice, because of the disease factor, and animals to me, i find, could send me to the psych ward

i know cleaning my house is important, and getting rid of rodents, is a way to clean, you see, lately i say, i got to help the poor, every time i see a poor man

give him money, cause i am not a rich *****, and i am not, and i spend money to try and give me things, i like computers, i was using the computer as a place

to display all my previous life and current life anger, but dad looked at my stories, as not very nice, but i was expressing where my anger is coming from

i want to have novels written and ideas pushed over to television, now i don’t want a cat anymore, or a dog or a mouse or a rat, i prefer to keep myself from

buying any sort of animal, because every time i am asked to do something,like take care of a cat, i go crazy, and i get cranky, cause i haven’t got a perfect life

because my parents have twisted m thoughts around in my head, if i had someone to live with, or moved to another city, with the same services, i will feel good

about myself, because i would still get the cleaning done as well have carers and i need a job, i need a job, i want to show people how to write their problems out of them

i hate being treated like a girl from bay watch, getting kidnapped by old good mates because they fucken agree with parents ruling over their kids and i don’t

because i am going to get what i want and i am not aiming too high,my stories are good enough and even this story, please leave me alone, i want the perfect life

i crave the perfect life, and as long as i don’t buy a cat, i am fine

creating boundaries like
inevitable wars
i hate to fight when we are all
the same color
cut in the same way
wounded in the same spot
you said you love me because
i always want the best for people
maybe that speaks to what the
uber driver said that day
to all the self loathing
to why everyone loves me either
too little or too much
the apple fell very far from the
tree and has been
trying to differentiate
ever since

you’re haunted like
a 20 year old with
a past life of regrets
the head and the
heart in
an endless power
struggle
maybe a bath
will save me
i’m haunted by
it all

lucky died to bring his previous life back to the young dudes



you see, scott mcdonald, who was my old school mate died way back

in the 1990s and wanted to reincarnate as our family cat, lucky, you see

lucky was a cute, but cranky cat especially when it rained, it was scott trying

to rid his crankiness he was like at school, but dad copped all the flaming flack

and in the end lucky was tired and had to be put downy the vet, and it was from

that moment i started hearing voices at work, which drove me really crazy, you

see one voice was from my scott pushing words into pats voice saying, i am not mucking

with yiou like i used to muck with brian, your not a flaming adult, and the boss of mitchell ACTEW

sue, didn’t know what was wrong with me, as i was yelling at my voices through the building

and when i got the job at lower molonglo, cath was worried about me too, and scott mcdonald was

having a field day, trying to lift me away from the powerful thinking people away from me, you see

scott was a bit sick of me, and it looked like he hated me, but then as he reincarnated into my family

as our cat lucky, because one man called me a great big ugly snout and i called dad a great big ugly

snout pushing me with brendan our next door neighbour who i was trying to keep kidnapped with me,

like the song went kidnap brian and kidnap brendan keep brian and brendan in our cages, and scott’s spirit

wanted to reform me, so he made buddha reincarnate him into 2 cats, a grey cat named muscles, and a

grey and white cat named lucky, and muscles lived in my flat and lucky lived with my folks, and in 2004

i started hearing voices from scott mcdonald, trying to make muscles into a wild dingo or a raccoon

and i had to **** it before it killed azaria chamberlain, but i killed muscles and scott mcdonald created

pluto as the love planet and i went to the psych ward to try and be placed on more medications and mum

thought they let me out too early, and scott blamed dad for allowing to have muscles killed, like he could’ve

taken muscles out of my hands, and lucky was blaming dad for the rain and every time i picked lucky up he will

get cranky, you see lucky was caught up a tree for 3 weeks, where scott said, your not one of the young dudes

anymore, and scott was performing concerts on the love planet, and now when i played concerts, scott has been

planting the word woosey in pats voice in my head, and scott was getting tired of teasing dad, and said goodbye to

lucky and as i said, i got voices since lucky died which led me to the psych ward in november 2013, which made me

talk about my previous lives and made me do art and try and get better, while scott mcdonald is now baby **** on the

youtube family the shaytards, and scott is happy to be a human again, after all this crap, and now i am trying to get better

by writing stories and drawing pictures to get the evil out of me, my voices say from people on the street, is never ever

get anymore cats, ok

then i remember i am
the sun
and the earth
loved me for the nectar
i shed through my
laughter
the woman before and after
you existed
large breasted wide hipped
brown woman
men (boys) have bought me pastries
from new york
and pancakes from diners
whole bottles of malibu coconut
*** and adoration
and
even held
me on
the warm days
i will always crave
the sound of your
voice on the quietest
of nights
but you are not the sun

MY HOOLIGAN IS READY TO BE LAID TO REST



YOU SEE, I TOLD YOU ONE DAY, THAT I USED TO FANTAISIZE ABOUT

TAKING A KID, BECAUSE, I LIKED THE LOOK OF THEIR MOO COWS ON FRONT KNEE

AND THE SHIPS ON THE BACK KNEE, AND I USED TO GO OUT AND GRAB THE KIDS

YA KNOW SCARING THEM, AT THE MALL, AND I CAME UP TO A FORT, IN LAKE GINNINDERRS

AND SCARED SOME KIDS INTO THINKING, I WAS GOING TO KIDNAP THEM, AND I WAS GOING TO THE

TOILET TO WAIT FOR A KID, AND I MIGHT HAVE ONCE BEEN KNOWN AS A PHEDAPHILE TO PEOPLE

BUT I AM REFORMED, NOW, YOU SEE, I USED TO FANTASIZE, ABOUT TYING THEIR MOO COW AND SHIPS

AND SQUASHING THEM TO THE GROUND, I WAS MENTAL, AND REALLY, I HATE THESE VOICES TRYING FOR

ME TO KEEP THESE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD, I WAS A REAL MEAN DUDE, I WALKED AROUND SCARING KIDS,

MY ADULT DIDN’T WANT TO DO THIS, MY KID DIDN’T WANT TO EITHER, AND BECAUSE I COULDN’T HANDLE DAD’S

DISCIPLINE PATTERN, IT WASN’T HIS FAULT, BUT HE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THIS, I HEARD THIS VOICE SAYING

DON’T EVEN TRY TO MESS WITH BIG BAD BRIAN, HE’S NOT LIKE US, NO WAY, NO FEAR, ONE KID, SAID I WAS ONE OF THEIR MOB

AND DAD THOUGHT I WAS NICE, CAUSE BACK THEN I WAS A COWARD, WHO NEEDED HELP TO GET WHAT I WANT IN LIFE,

YOU SEE I GRABBED THESE KIDS, BECAUSE, OF MY LAST TWO LIVES TRAGICALLY TAKEN AT AGE 8, AND THE KIDS

WHO KILLED MY LAST LIFE AFTER GREAME THORNE, WHICH WAS A CAT, WHERE I WAS RUN OVER BY A SCOOTER

I WAS GRABBING KIDS EVERYWHERE, I FELT A REAL BUZZ BY DOING THAT, YOU SEE I GOT AN ERECTED ****

FROM IT, I WANT YOU TO KNOW, THIS COULD EFFECT ME HELPING PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE, BUT AS I REMEMBER

WALKING AROUND THE TOILETS WITH ROPE AND GRABBING KIDS AND THIS MADE THEIR PARENTS MAD, I DIDN’T AND

STILL DON’T KNOW, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED, IF I CARRIED OUT THIS FEAT, MATE, I WANT THIS, WHICH IS MY HOOLIGAN

TO BE LAID TO REST, IT IS WRONG TO DO THIS, I WASN’T GETTING WHAT I WANT OUT OF LIFE, SO I TOOK IT OUT ON THE KIDS

BY HASSLING THEM BY TYING UP THEIR MOO COWS WITH THEIR SHIPS, THEY SCREAMED SAYING AHHHHHHH!, THE CRAZY PERSON

HAS GOT ME, I SAID, YEAH, I AM A CRAZY PERSON, AND YOU ARE COMING WITH ME, SO COME HERE KID, AND WE WILL COOK

YOU ON THE STOVE, AND HAVE FRESH TASTY KID FOR DINNER, I WANT TO BE A KIDNAPPER, NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS

AND EVERY TIME I SAW KIDS ANYWHERE, I WOULD CHASE THEM, YA KNOW FOLLOWING THEM AROUND, MAKING THEM JITTER

ONE KID SAID, TO ME, WHY THE **** ARE YOU FOLLOWING, AND I THINKING IF I LOOK CRAZY, I WILL LOOK LIKE I AM TRYING TO SCARE HIM

BUT REALLY I WAS PLAYING A SMALL GAME WITH THEM, TRYING TO GRAB THEIR MOO COW AND SHIPS, AND TIE THEM UP TOGETHER

AND I WAS HAVING A FIELD DAY, I AM COMMITTING NO CRIME, WELL, THAT IS WHAT I THOUGHT THEN, DAD MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT HEV WAS HELPING

BUT BY TRYING TO HAVE THE LAST WORD, MADE ME FEEL REALLY HYPED UP WITH GRABBING KIDS, I AM NOT BLAMING DAD, ACTUALLY, I AM BLAMING

NOBODY IN HINDSIGHT, IT WAS MY SILLY SCHITZOPHRENIC DELLUSIONS, THAT ARE THE REAL CULPRIT, YOU SEE, THINKING IT’S ALRIGHT TO GRAB OR

SCARE YOUNG CHILDREN, I FEEL MY HOOLIGAN, CREEPING BACK INTO MY BODY, BUT, HE WAS A DELLUSIONAL HOOLIGAN, AND I HATE WHAT THAT HOOLIGAN DID

IT MAKES TED BUNDY A GOOD GUY FOR DYING AND KIDNAPPING ME, BY MAKING ME TIE MYSELF UP, AND FANTASIZING ABOUT TYING BRENDAN UP AND

MAKING BRENDAN HYPE ME UP, BY SHOWING HIS BIG ADULTS KID LEGS, WITH HIS MOTHER AND FATHER, EVEN IF I WENT TO JAIL, FOR A WEEKEND

AND I WENT TO PROBATION HEARINGS FOR 1 YEAR, I LEARNT THAT KIDNAPPING KIDS CAN BE FATAL FOR ME, SO AS I LEFT THE PROBATION FOR THE LAST TIME

I DID MY FAMILY PERSON THING, BY GOING TO GLEBE PARK ALA CARTE, TO LISTEN TO THE MUSIC, BUT I LEARNT, CANBERRA HATED ME FOR THE KIDNAPPING THOUGHTS

AND THIS MADE ME SCARED TO EVER GRAB ANOTHER KID AGAIN, AND MY PARENTS PUT ME ON MEDICATION, AND I AM STILL ON MEDICATION, AND

THE THOUGHTS WERE GOING AWAY, BUT I DID VOLUNTEER WORK AS YOU KNOW, AT THE RAINBOW, COOKING, VACCUMING, AND ALSO CREATIVE WRITING

AND THAT LASTED 3 YEARS, AND MIND YOU, I ALSO DID A BIT OF BUSH WALKING, KOSCIUSKO AND JERVIS BAY, TUMUT AND MANY OTHERS, I WAS A REALLY

POSITIVE PERSON, AND THE PSYCHIATRIST, TRIED TO REDUCE MY MEDICATION, WHICH WAS A MISTAKE, I KILLED MY CAT, THINKING IT WAS THE DINGO THAT

KILLED AZARIA, I DON’T WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR THIS, I WAS SICK AND PLACED ON THE FAT DRUG, THE FAT DRUG, GIVING ME NO ENERGY, SLOWLY KILLING ME

AND GIVING ME NASTY LOOKUPS EVERY TIME I TRIED TO WORK, AND I WORKED AT AINSLIE VILLAGE, AS A HOUSE CLEANER, BUT LOOKING AT MY HOUSE, I WAS LIKE

ANY MAN, DOES A GREAT JOB HOUSE CLEANING FOR OTHERS, AND LETTING HIS OWN HOUSEWORK SLIP, I DON’T WANT TO GET EVICTED, BUT I AM GETTING HELP

IN CLEANING, BY DUO SERVICES, MAYBE OTHER POOR PEOPLE CAN GET THE SAME SERVICES, CAUSE I GET SPRING CLEANS AS WELL, GIVE OTHER PEOPLE A HAND

I GOT FUNDING, BUT WHY CAN’T YA RICH *******, INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ABOUT POOR PEOPLE’S HOUSES, TRY AND HELP THEM CLEAN IT, DON’T BE RICH *****

BE THEIR FRIENDS, NOW, INSTEAD OF BEING A HOMELESS ***, I AM A WRITER AN ARTIST AND A YOUTUBE ENTERTAINER, I AM DEALING WITH MY VOICES

BUT THE FEAR IS THERE, CAUSE I UPSET A LOT OF DUDES, I AM SORRY, THAT I AM NOT PERFECT, EVERYTHING I DID IN THE PAST, IS IN THE PAST

OK, ONE GOOD THING THAT CAME FROM MY CHILDHOOD, WAS THE D OF E AWARD SCHEME, I GOT BRONZE AND SILVER, AS WELL AS MY MATES GETTING ****** WITH ME

MAKING ME FEEL I WAS A SCHOOLIE, WHETHER THEY WERE JUST BEING NICE OR NOT, I STILL THANK THEM,

OK BYE DUDES

bag posts like
irrational
thoughts floating
in my head like
carousel days
i've had a lot
that i've wanted to
cry about lately
i want to be loved
enough to be put
into a song
my smooth skin
lingering in the
underflaps of a melody
a declaration of love
for my child-like enthusiasm
and unconventional
ways of loving you

crystals and clonazepam
to keep
the bad dreams away
the growing pains
are unbearable at times
and/both
coexisting like
radical self acceptance
and struggling to blame
you for all the suffering
i read that just because
someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to
doesn't mean they
don't love you
i don't know exactly
what i would
call it then

a gift from god
that's what my mom
tells me that my name means
handcrafted like
blown glass vases from
god's kaleidoscopic hands
and dropped into the earth
like undigested chicken into the frying pan by
nonnie's crisco-battered
fingers
as time goes on i realize that
my neatly folded corners
have crinkles in them
from all the seconds that i have wasted and cannot get back
from all the good in people that i looked for
that wasn't there
i haven't experienced a
great tragedy but yet
the words still roll from my body
like thunder
like god in the sky clapping
down to me
saying you go girl
saying you've made it, azaria
you've finally arrived
my mom never told
me that my
father wouldn't love me
like the way the first
breath feels when you
come up for air after
being underwater
like his love wouldn't
be an exclamation point
to finish the part of
existence where i
wasn't present
a ******* to gravity
for depriving him
of my high-voltage skin
and heroic laughter
she didn't tell me that
i would go to college
and fall in love with a
girl who
has a collection of 23 hats
and speaks of jamaica
like a past life
she didn't tell me
that my heart would burn like
hitting the corner of your
hip on a table
like the sting of your knees
on raw carpet
and holding on to things
that weren't meant for you
she never told me that
the ending was the hardest part
that time is stagnant like an open wound
when you peer into the night
waiting for god
to confirm your existence
like splitting open the
white sky
a 2 am revelation
unfolding like
atoning  
with your last breath
waiting for god to say
you go girl
you've made it, azaria
you've finally arrived

jumping to conclusions
like gap years
with no intent
of returning back
to universe 1
composed of matter
i am unequal disproportions
of good intentions
and inconsistency
a little
selfish
i want quality time,
altruism, and attention
a $700/ a month off campus
apartment  
a slap on the wrist for
the worst parts of me
******* to the government
conspiracy of whites looking
for an opportunity to bring
the black (wo)man
down
******* to the
smoke, the air, the stress
for taking up space
where the love was
supposed to be
but most of all
******* azaria
you had a good thing
and you ****** it
up

like sophie’s choice
or maybe i’m just being
dramatic
maybe a little too self
absorbed
or close up on it
the faith died a couple
of times
not in the middle of the
night like you
would think
but in many multiverses
that all end in
the same way
i can’t love both me and
you abundantly

you see i am feeling very weary, very weary

my medication is starting to kick in, and get rid of my evil thoughts

you see last night and most of today i have been feeling tired

feeling like the world is treating me like a hooligan

you see i think i am doing well, seeing i am a famous writer

and i am suffering from mental illness and obesity

you see i went to a party last night in tuggeranong

and i sat next to the speaker and they started playing games with me

making me sick of the noise, but i wash;t really i just wanted to think, i ain’t young anymore

and i said, i am a happy dude, and i am a party dude

you see i look down on my feet and there is a small rash on my feet

because when i got home last night i felt i never went out at all

one dude kept looking at me, so to avoid ******* him off i played my computer game

and relax, because he probably was having a bad day or he was off to a party or something

and i had my party at the tuggeranong community festival

i am watching neighbours and how bad paul robinson is treating steph

it’s only a show, but he is a *******, and i know when you have

a history of hurting kids you get treated like ****

i can tell you now, i am reformed, i might not look it but i am

i feel the aliens are trying to make me very tired and very weird

last night i felt me weird self in my head, giving me hallucinations

of people trying to force me to do what i used to do

my feet are being trapped on the ground, like i did when i was friends with patrick

and i don’t want to live in the past, i want these hallucinations to stop

well, i know only hooligans do what i used to do, but you know what used to did, he just used to

i can’t understand why people can’t except i am a changed man, now

i haven’t put a foot wrong since that day, i don’t want to be treated like that little young dude

like i used to, but i prefer to be treated like a real party dude

i am not crazy i am not crazy, i know i said steph should be the mentally ill persons skate goat

i personally would hate the treatment that steph is getting

driving to bendigo listening to classical music with a conservative man

you see paul robinson is a boring man who hates crime and doesn’t trust anyone despite of whether they have changed or not

you see i felt like that when i did that crime, and i get voices when i get what i want in work

and i don’t believe in not doing any harm to people, and i don’t believe in going to hospital anymore

and i felt like asteph felt when men like paul robinson tries to take me to hospital

like i felt the police were kidnapping me in 2004 so i can suffer

you see, i know i am mental, but i don’t want to have these feelings

like feeling our family cat is the dingo that killed azaria

i need to take my medication early, so i can feel coo, and yeah, it makes me feel cool

i watch TV and i see myself a lot in mentally ill people, and i feel, never to get in trouble again

i don’t believe in any morals, i don’t believe the rich know the first thing about helping the mentally ill

but i don’t believe in knocking over the rich people

because it gives them some reason to lock us up

and i find that is wrong, ok dudes