Two years ago for lent I gave up lying It lasted Two weeks So in the spirit of honesty I wanted to set the record straight This might just be for my benefit and you might not get anything out of it but I’m a liar Always have been And I’d like to shed some weight So here goes
The first girl I ever kissed was Ashlynn (I forget her last name) There was tongue I was 13 It was truth or dare I know It doesn’t count I kissed ten more girls playing truth or dare between Ashlynn Iforget and my first real kiss My first real honest to goodness no truth or dare kiss Was the day after junior prom We woke up in each other’s arms on the couch Stared at each other for hours until she finally kissed me We kissed for six hours My lips chapped That lasted a year and a half She had my baby
When I was in fifth grade my neighbor and I broke my parents antique glass table I told everyone I just sat on it I really body slammed my friend on it
To everyone I’ve told I don’t like dogs I kind of like them I don’t want one But I kind of like them
When I spent the first year of my son’s life 350 miles away at a better job Building a better future I was really running away Though to be fair I didn’t know I was lying ‘til I came home
To Emily (I forgot her last name) from Corvallis I am not a bio-chem major with a minor in French Though I do dream of owning a vineyard in the south of Spain
Also to Emily Iforget I was not just staying in my friend’s storage closet…that was my room
To sergeant Roscoe My wife was not pregnant
I don’t put dates on anything I write Because I secretly hope when I die Someone will take the time to read it all and try to organize it So they’ll have to think about me longer
To all of my female friends I am a very good listener I am a great shopping buddy But I have had a crush on each of you at some point Some of you knew that already
My *** number is higher than I tell people I really want to try out for American Idol I kissed a boy And I liked it
To every homeless man ever I do have spare change
To you-should-know-who-you-are-if-you-hear-this Yes those were my underwear And yes I did have *** with your sister
Mom I took a twenty from your purse when I was 16 Dad I stole $100 bucks once
I only cried four times during The Notebook not six
And I wouldn’t break up with you if you cheated on me Because without my lies I have the self esteem of an Olsen Twin alone at a stranger’s house party
The only kegger I ever went to was my mom’s 50th birthday party.
I have lied a lot Often without realizing it Sometimes it’s on purpose
Some of them don’t make sense Like lying about wanting to go bungee jumping…I don’t…I once said I did
Some are for your benefit I did not want seconds of the first dinner you ever made me that **** was gross
Some are for my benefit I really didn’t love you
Some I will never get I am too afraid to call my best friend because I know he’ll forgive me And I don’t think I deserve it
But that last thing I’d like to be honest about I hope one day I love myself enough To stop saying I’m 6’2”
A collection of poems by me is available on Amazon Where She Left Me - Michael DeVoe http://goo.gl/5x3Tae
I, like any normal human keep a list of future names I started it when I was young then it was Landon and Ashlynn kids I knew from school written in gel glitter pen in bright pink hues
my list is sorted alphabetically genders separated as well it’s followed me from Lisa Frank diaries to pdfs files sometimes I add to it often other times I leave it alone
my list is heavily masculine I'm not quite sure why I like boys named Max and Marlon I like Oskar and Gale too I have a thing for Old English names like Arthur and Holden just to name a few my boyfriend prefers Ash or Astrid I like those as well but, my favorite name is Olin with one or two L's
I discovered this name on a lost blanket draped over a fence post by the bay I'd call him Ollie for fun Ollie Ollie Oxen free! We’d play he'd have red hair and freckles I’d knit him many things I'd sing him to sleep at night I'd bake him lots of treats when he cries I'd hold him tight whisper that everything is alright
tests continue to be ordered blood, ultrasounds, and more results are coming forward I refuse to see the score It’s the very thing I’m dreading I worry that it’s true seems this list is fruitless seems I am too
