what is consent i asked myself? while after me saying no to ******* or nudes . he would ask me to come on video call just fully clothed . so that he could *** to my face. as much as i didnt want to do that. i thought atleast hes not asking me to be naked, this is the least i can do. so i would lay there watching him do whatever he did.
what is consent  i asked myself ?while he parked the car in the basement of a tennis court and asked me to shift in the backseat of his car. if i refuse he will think i dont love him i told myself.even though i didnt want to do this, i didnt want to do whatever he had planned to do at the backseat of his car. he opened his pants and asked me to give him a ******* when suddenly the guard came and i thanked my stars as we rushed out of the place.
what is consent i asked my self? when he parked his car near the sports complex where my mother worksout and opened my bra . i could see people watching us and it killed me inside. but the only way of it ending was him being satisfied. so i used my hands as fast as i could never looking at him. it had started to feel like something i was supposed to do.
what is consent ? i asked myself when i was beneath his body . why should it matter i thought myself again? i love him , he is the love of my life i repeated to myself. while his hands searched for mine and directed them to please him. another thought breezed through my brain that my hands had pleased him more than they were used to hold them in an embrace. while the movements of our bodies synced i felt my heart drop . but i felt that maybe this is how it feels. and plus its not like we are having ***. Its just making out and there is no need for consent should probably try and not cry while his breath follows the nape of my neck .
what is consent i asked myself? while i was at his house and we had broken up and i was apologizing while he held me by my  waist and said that i was very comfortable.  when he took of my pants and i asked what was happening. when he tried to enter my shivering legs aagain and again, while i clenched on the mattress real hard while i let him do whatever he did. even after i tried to show him that indeed my legs were shivering. that indeed he didnt love me. that indeed i should run away . that indeed consent is existenet and i do not consent this.But all i did was i lay there and let him do whatever he wanted. because he was the love of my life.
what is consent i asked my self one week after i had lost my virginity to man who never wanted to see my face or hear from me ever again. while i sat at the end of my bed bleeding . trying to call him up.
what is consent afterall? does it exist if the person asking for it is the one you love? how can you give consent to someone who is your better half.
its then that i realized without my consent, with my defences in ruins, while my brain was sleeping, my stupid heart went and fell headfirst into love.
and i let love give consnet.
what is consent ask myself everytime i remeber that i let myself ruin in the deep abyss of love.

have you seen his bone legs
crack and bend when he walks
awkward around strangers
he needs to cut them off
have you seen his mouth
the way that he struggles
no words will come out
its empathetic and clear
never good enough
he needs to take his scissors
and cut it off
and have u seen his face
is dark and undiscovered
and thats the way it will stay
disgusting,
ill take that one there
his face is unmarked and brave
have you seen his eyes
their crawling plastic shape
have you imagined removing them
to see what he’s erased
have you seen his awkard lopsided face
(back to him aagain)
**** that ******* face
it makes me sick when i see it
his mirror wont reflect him
even when he cries and begs
have you seen his love
she deserves so much better than this place
its a small walk
to the bridge and off
and if he gave a ****
he would have already walked
its time again to see the face
of everyfucking conquest you
took and disdained
i see their faces
and mine is not the same
i never could have imagined
living life this way
but the sources are not to blame
so tell me that you ******* love me
before you walk away
and i will do the same

Baby moths were growing
up around my monitor taKing
heat away from the dark areas
still glowing arUund our boxes—
and ghost boxes

ThE first month I met youu,
reading you completely wrong
was right before frayed July
collapsEd the year on us where,
while I looped solens mekanik—
loved at what litttle of me existed
and sleeped aT the sun,

LatEr we set boundaries,
and learned a ٭small٭ amount
more about each other
Being trans is ٭really٭
alll we haVe in common

One confining nigHt I panicked
over the pictures of you in my
mind coMmitting into drapery
about a mantis—⠀⠀⠀all the hearts
⠀⠀⠀⠀ are pink or blue—
so that after you said ٭suicide٭ I
hallucinated calling you, but with-
out the simple yes / no / please I
need to push through even more
inteNse knots,
I don’t

Another night, in palous September,
I had told you her name after she laughed
that moths can’t breathe inside air
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  (which shocked me because
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the only moths I’ve ever liked
lived inside)
I grieved for both of us
After sEveral days of specIfic secrecy,
about hours before and after I
aagain was going to call you—
this time outsiDe of dreaming
the roboTic ways we would hug

A half day laTer you catch me
waking up. By chance, it’s the year
my immovable nightmares move,
but you’re saying
you cut yourself and ran away
My feelingS no longer relevant,
there’s felt pauses between
stares of saying nothing,
but you want to know anyway

Baby moths are testing
quick dances upon my face
Very suddenly I wanted to say
I love you
I don’t know youu and that may be
neither realistic, nor prudent(???)
But, June, I had already tried
٭here’s a suicide hotline٭
for my owN peace of mindd
and forgoing sleep to fever dRead

And I love you
wouldn’t mean anything
For some reason, I’m sure