Do they all leave or do I push them?
I say that nobody is dependable that all go at some point.
Look at me.
My mom, an abusive sociopathic ***** and my dad, a narcissistic drunk.
No wonder my love life is sour.
No wonder I don't trust.
I'd rather **** and be done then love and be hurt.
Betrayal.
Do you think it's possible that I'll ever love and not be hurt?
Do I betray others?
I told him. Jordan. I told him at the beginning about me. About how everybody leaves and it's because of me.
But he gave me pinkie promises and listened to me when I cried.
And I maybe lost my virginity to him. And we spent most nights of our year plus relationship together. And then my mom skipped town and he broke up with me.
Why did you guys leave?
I'll be better. I promise. I promise. *******. I promise. Please please please please.  
And I pulled a razor against my skin and I had been good for so long.
Guess I betrayed myself too.
I have the word **** on my wrist. It used to say love.
But that left too.

my mom showing up at my graduation
my sister's eating disorder and her cutting
my other sister never not being a *****
not finding love
being ugly
nobody caring
actually being a slob
what if i never do enough

sometime
the need to write
scribbling words on paper
is as strong as the need to write
but the thought scares me
and so
i push the urge deep down
and hold my breath
but then
i cannot hold it any longer
and i let it out
letting the writing become me
an when im done
tears flow
not because the writing is beautiful
but because it is captivating
to let loose those things that i kept hidden
and because
i finally allowed myself
to breathe

I'm breaking
b
r
e
a
k
i
n
g
I cannot be strong anymore.
Where the **** is help

I try to hold it all in but i can't
not tonight
im bawling and listening to music and writing poetry
and im falling
apart
i need you
i need you
what the **** did i do to make everyone
go away
i want somebody to help me
i cant do it anymore
im begging for help
please

I can’t say this out loud
You probably understand
Or maybe you don’t after all

I want to kiss you

It’s oozing up inside of me
Pooling up over my seams
Up over my lips
And I don’t want to lose its sweetness

I want to kiss you

I remember your hugs crushing me with such force
Seeping emotions from one to the other
Your face buried deep in my shoulder and neck
And I don’t want to lose its sweetness

I want to kiss you

No matter how I try
I can’t say this out loud
You probably don’t understand
Or maybe you do after all

Without knowing
Without a thought
Without a care
He wonders
He carries
He hides
A piece of me
Where ever he goes.
Without feeling
Without seeing
I have traveled
To foreign lands.
Unknown to me
Unknown to him
Unknown to all.
He wonders
Carrying a piece of me.
Never safe
Until he returns
Or shatters me forever.
Without knowing
Forever
I shall travel.

I find myself spiraling
Into a pit of anxiety
Every time my control
Is snatched away
Every time someone else
Takes charge
And says
'Leave it to me'
My heart pumps faster
My chest feels tight
My leg starts to shake
And I can't trust people
To do the right thing
One part of my mind
Believes they mean well
And will help me
But the other part
The irrational part
Will lead me elsewhere
Down a path of despair
And anxiety
Coming up with scenarios
That would never happen
In a million years
But anything seems possible
When you have no control