every thought i think
everything i do
every feeling i have,
connects to you

waiting all that time
for this moment;

minds rendered useless
from the lack of sleep

bodies carelessly lain
on top of one another

fingers intertwined

lips curled
into a sleepy
half - smile

sometimes

i try too hard
to figure things out in my head

i plan how it's all
going to happen

but nobody follows
the script
in my head

and it messes me up

but they sure as hell are


                                      *something

you have taken control
of my mind
and my body

i can't concentrate
when you are in the room

if you look my way,
my stomach gets all fluttery

if you talk to me,
my hands start shaking
and i can't make them stop.

i want my body back,
i want to be in charge of
      my very own
                   self

fuzzy

that's how it feels

like the static on an old tv

a sort of
cshhhh noise
and
black and white pixels
moving all around

that's what it feels like

i try to let you know,
make you notice

giving you hints;

leaving my hand on your back
just a moment too long,
catching your eye in the middle of class
just to smile.

used,
    then thrown aside

i didn't realize

how can i do this?
why are there so many of them?
i never meant for it to be this way

the one that meant the world to me now means nothing
i'm fine with them being gone,
but i'm not fine with the time that will inevitably come
when you are in their place

i want to get the message across to you
that i care
but i don't know how

you've been lied to so many times before
i don't know how to make you believe
that this time, it's for real

but
my blankets are so cozy and warm
and the world out there is so harsh and cold

i don't want to get up.

pages soft from being thumbed through
so often

dog-ears throughout,
mysterious stains and sticky spots
from when i eat
and have intense mental debates
at the same time

thoughts crossed out
and notes scribbled in the margins

this is real
life is happening,
right now

you're not here to see it
the world stops for no one, baby.
we're all stopping for you, though -
taking a minute to look back,
appreciate

you have beauty to the world,
made it that much more of a happier place

                            thank you,
                                 we send our love

(pt. 1)

how?
how could i not have known?
how come you didn't tell me?
you trust me,
right?
i would have helped.
maybe that's why.

she said they were,
i said i would punch them in the face.
she said it wouldn't help,
i said i didn't care.
she said it would make it worse,
i said okay, fine. i won't.

how did you hide it so well?
how come no one knew?
it happened all the time.
how is everyone so blind?
no one knew.
or if they did,
they
didn't
care.
i care.

(pt. 2)

i care.
and i didn't know.
i would do something,
and i didn't know.
i would help,
and i didn't know.
i would figure out a way,
and i didn't know.
i would stop it,
and i didn't know.

the first time i cried
you said you didn't tell me
because you were afraid.
you were afraid
something like this would happen.
you were afraid that
i would be scared and hurt
and sad
and try to help.

maybe it's better
because you learned the lesson yourself
maybe you wouldn't have
if it hadn't gotten so bad.

i still wish you had told me.
why didn't you tell me?
how?

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i don't love you
i kissed you,
  but it didn't mean anything
i kissed you,
  but i didn't feel anything

we're both a little bit broken
in all the wrong ways

i've been avoiding writing about you
because i spend so much time thinking about you

i'm tired of it
& i want to spend as little time as possible
continuing to do so

i want some time to myself

some time
when you aren't lurking in the back of my thoughts

i want there to be a time
when i can see something,
                    say something,
               watch something,
                  hear something,
        remember something,
and not think of you

*you've moved on from that point,
why can't i?

i've been avoiding your messages
asking when i can hang out,
when i can sleep over

i think i'm scared
but i don't understand why

i feel sick to my stomach
and stupid
for being reluctant to do something
i know i'll enjoy

i'm tired of looking at myself
       cause i'm starting to look ugly
like when you say a word
                                      over and over and over
   until it sounds ridiculous
and completely un-word-like

              inadequacy
very well might be the most frustrating thing
                           in the history of ever

i keep comparing myself to her;
and i'm not good enough
     i have no reason to be doing this to myself
and i keep kicking myself for it

but we like the same boys
            and obviously someone has to win
      because everything is a competition,
  right, mom?

no
we can both end up happy

it's just hard to get there

the idea that you would give me a second thought,
astounding
the idea that you would care,
unbelievable

there's no way this can be real

maybe it's not
(or maybe that's just my low self-esteem talking)

i'm tired of your *******
but i can't tell you that

sometimes i just need some time away from you
but i can't tell you that

maybe you aren't really my best friend
but i can't tell you that

no, i don't really want to keep in touch when school ends
but i can't tell you that

no, you aren't as cute, ****, artsy, or talented as you think you are
but i can't tell you that

i don't love you as much as i say i do
but i can't tell you that

i want you to love me,
try to deny it,
and fail.
terribly.

i want you to catch my eye
in the hallway
and wink

i want you to give me
that look
when someone is making a fool of themselves
and we are trying desperately
not to laugh

i want you to watch my lips
when i talk
and try to imagine
what it would be like
to kiss them

until you finally get up
the courage
to go ahead and do it

i want you to hold my hand
the special way
with our fingers intertwined

i want you.
i want us.

blatantly feeding them lies,
and nobody stops them
to think that it would be shameful
to try and stop these people
from overriding these impressionable little children's minds

i thought i missed him
kept asking myself why -
it's been long enough,
shouldn't i be over him by now?
why do i still want him back?
plenty of time has passed,
& did any of it matter in the first place?

turns out it did matter.
it's not him i miss,
it's how i felt when we were together.
i'd never been so happy,
ever

i've resigned myself to the fact
that i will never be able to truly love anyone
until you're completely, utterly gone

we formed sounds
in our mouths

we spoke words
made up of letters

we told each other things
that were of some significance
to at least one of us

we trusted each other
to hear the words we were saying,
to understand the meaning,
to hold the memory of that moment.

I want to be with you

in the night.

watch the starts
and just
breathe.

together.

it's amazing how much affect
one little thing
can have on your emotions

a simple touch will make your heart melt,
a headset makes you feel official,
an angry look can make you feel like a failure.

it can be the tiniest thing,
not anything significant.
but to you,
it means the whole world.

i hadn't seen you
for a while

so when i saw you last week
it hit me all over again

how ******* adorable you are
how charming you are
how you space your words
in the most delightful way
imaginable


how i can never quite tell
whether you like me or not

personally, i don't believe in god.
but i respect,
          sometimes even envy the people who do

i can't imagine
what it would be like
to have such a deep trust in something
something you can always fall back on,
something completely and utterly reliable,
something you can praise or blame
for anything and everything

it must be wonderfully comforting
to think that you have all of those somethings
in this world

she still comes to your room
to check on you,
in the middle of the night

to see if you are still breathing
just like when you were a baby

in the day she looks annoyed at you
and you, in turn
look annoyed at her.

you get in fights.
you call her a *****,
say that you hate her
and wish that she never adopted you.
you run away

but
she still comes to your room
to check on you
in the middle of the night
to see that you are still breathing

please,
come back soon

we're all dreadfully worried,
and i'm losing my mind

that has to mean something,
right?

i can't decide how i feel about you.
i've never had to deal with you like this before.

i'm afraid of what might happen
i'm afraid that you might not feel the same anymore
i'm afraid that i'm misinterpreting my emotions
i'm afraid that i might not be able to go through with it

i don't know what to do with myself

i've never loved a girl like this.

i've been writing in red
because it reminds me of blood.

i'm not a violent person,
but there is something
extremely satisfying
about writing in red ink
and imagining that it is blood,
that you are staining
these pages forever
with something more
meaningful
than normal
ink.

i fell in love with you again

i would want my
skin to be darker
hips to be smaller
******* to be bigger
fingers to be shorter

but i can't change these things
so i live with them
and am perfectly fine
with what i have.

not because it's hot,
because the air feels really thick.

i don't like it.

i feel like i am
drowning
very very slowly.

my emotions are having a disagreement

and they decided to
hold their battle
in my head

its been going on
for a while now

i wish they could just
agree on something.

even a compromise
between the two
would be nice

maybe i love you
because i know
that i can't have you

because i know that you will never love me

maybe that is the reason
i'm always falling in love
with the ones i can't have

purely because
them loving me
in return
is not an option

and you're gonna have to ******* deal

sometimes
when i forget to eat
my hands start shaking
and i can't make them stop

it kinda scares me.

i slept till 1:13 today

i think it made me
more tired
than i normally am,
which is saying something.

all that dreaming i was doing
must have been pretty exhausting

the earth is waking up

coming back alive after
being covered with a
cold, wet blanket
for so long

it puts a little bit of
wonderful
in everything

the earth is coming alive again
and so am i

it turns out that chucks
are not the best shoes
to wear in the snow

the cold snuck in
my feet got cold
my toes froze

that was five hours ago
they still haven't warmed up

if you would
wrap your arms
around me
and whisper
sweet little things
in my ear

noises don't come through properly
when you aren't quite awake

muffled grumbles and mumbles
that's all you can hear

hopefully you can block them out
and sleep those extra few minutes

tumblr, reading and writing
would take the place of school

we would send all the people we hated
to an island
far, far away

and

all the boys we liked
would love us.

i want to learn

the shape your lips make when you sleep
and how they feel on my neck

how my hand fits in yours

what you do when you're nervous

how it feels to run my fingers through your hair

what your voice sounds like first thing in the morning,
right after you wake up

the weight of your arm over my shoulders

if you sing in the shower

if you're the sort of person who makes their bed every day

i want to learn all these things about you,

some things you wouldn't take the time to notice about yourself

and the things that nobody would ever notice about you
unless they were as in love with you
as i am.

i watched them play
where i played  

i watched them eat
where i ate

i watched them live a little part
of the life that i lived

my house
my yard
my food
my childhood

this isn't pleasant

i don't like this feeling
i've felt sick
with giddiness
the past two days.
it's not a good sort of giddiness.

i wish i could brush off our interactions
like i can with everyone else
it just isn't working

i need to
get over you now
or cut you off

like i always have before.

i was put to bed
nearly an hour ago

but i couldn't stand to
   crawl into a bed
i wasn't tired enough
   to fall asleep in
after so many previous failed attempts

room illuminated
by the computer screen
used only to light the pages
i'm staining with my thoughts
such an unpleasant feeling it gives off,
having nothing but cold undertones
as if it's trying to warn you
not to get ****** into its
bitter, emotionless world

all the awake
i was missing out on last year
has finally caught up to me
and here i am,
sitting up late
not being able to bear
another failure
at something that used to be
so easy,
so simple

now i wait
and hope with all my might
that the sleep will come
and take me away
from this place
once again

how am i supposed to
            deal with this
you are sitting
  less than a foot in front of me,
standing,
      our bodies inches apart
and i realize
   that your neck starts
where my head ends
  and i try not to scream
   from the frustration
of you being so close
   but still not knowing how we
           fit together
even after all this time