why are you always ******* yourself up???

i don't understand the appeal,
i don't see what you get out of it

i started caring about you
and now i'm ******
because i know you'll never care about yourself
and me caring isn't enough

i'm tired
and scared
and stressed
enough
as it is,

i don't need you
piling all your problems
on top of my own
and expecting me
to sort them all out
before I even start
dealing with my own.


*i'm going to break down

i think about you
all the time

i imagine the way
you would look at me if you loved me.
the way you would purposefully
brush past my elbow
when we passed by each other.
the way you would say my name,
cherishing the sound in your mouth.

i wonder if you ever
think about
me.

you are the smell before rain,
you are the anticipation of what is to come

you are the shapes that i see in the morning
        when i rub my eyes,
you are the start of each new day

you are the sky at midnight,
you are beautiful and mysterious

you are quiet summer nights
     after days full of sun
   and excitement,
you are the feeling of being
       happy
           with everything
  just
   the way
  it
         is

i've gotten over it
mostly.
now it's just
the flutteries

and that's only when you
look at me
or talk to me
or are particularly close

this is good.
i'm not sure how long
i could have lasted
in the state i was in before.

but
instead, i'm sitting here
writing,
scribbling little notes to myself

i told myself that
i would get up
as soon as i put my music on
but
how could i resist
curling up in my chair,
listening to the music
playing in my room
and the wind
swirling around outside it?

for some strange reason
i thought that talking to you
was some great act
and i wasn't good enough to do it

but then i said something
without really meaning to
and you said something back
we exchanged words
i said something
and you said something back

then i realized that
i could talk to you

that it didn't have to be some profound thing
i had been planning on saying
for weeks

i realized that
you are just a normal person
not some god or anything
that i was just as good as you

i had this realization a few weeks ago,
but i still find it amazing
that i can talk to you
and you will talk back

but i like writing it even better.

i  said that
i was tired of you
that you were a *****
that you were ******* me off

that you wouldn't be my best friend
if i knew you then
as well as i do now

but i can't escape the fact that
i love you

nothing can change that.

i wish you could write feelings

i wish you could
keep them in bottles

and taste little bits
to remind yourself of
that feeling you had
one day last year
or last month
or yesterday afternoon.

people all around
never seen them before
but now,
you are sharing
a breathing space
a living space

not forever,
only for this little bit of time
maybe a minute or two,
maybe an hour or two

moments that seem insignificant

really are
immeasurably important

do you ever get that feeling
where you want something
to happen
so bad
that it hurts?

it's terrible.

and it happens to me
every day.

i think of you
in the morning
as i wake up,

and in the moments before
i drift off
into nothingness
at night.

you will finally open up to me;
stop being so shy,
at the end of the year

but then summer happens
and we lose it
and have to start
all over again

this time is different

this time i won't be seeing you again

physical weight
emotional weight

it's all something significant

i want to sleep,
but i have too much
to think about

my brain is always
so busy

remembering all the
places i need to be
things i need to do

thinking about
how i need more sleep
and how cute you are

is it just because i want to
save you?

if i love you,
i want it to be because i love you,
not because i need to.

you would think so.

                             but that's not
                                              how it works.

i wanted to know why
i had been so crazy

but really, it was obvious.

you pushed me over the edge

i couldn't take it anymore.

even before i went outside
i could tell that it was going to be nice

i put on a loose t-shirt
and felt live air
on my skin
for the first time
since last year

left the house
without needing a coat

the earth is coming alive again
and so is my spirit

i haven't taken the time
to go for a walk
in a while

but last night i stepped outside
and was suddenly overwhelmed
by the need
to go for a walk

it didn't matter that it was
raining
and cold.

i just walked right out there
and loved it

loved the rain
falling on my head
and soaking my toes

loved the cold
making me appreciate
my warmth

loved the air
feeling like real, tangible life
in my lungs

i try not to think about you
before i go to sleep

because then you might
be in my dreams

those few seconds
in the morning,

before i wake up fully
and think that it really happened,
that you really did love me

and then realizing that you don't
all over again,
it's just too painful.