i was put to bed
nearly an hour ago

but i couldn't stand to
   crawl into a bed
i wasn't tired enough
   to fall asleep in
after so many previous failed attempts

room illuminated
by the computer screen
used only to light the pages
i'm staining with my thoughts
such an unpleasant feeling it gives off,
having nothing but cold undertones
as if it's trying to warn you
not to get ****** into its
bitter, emotionless world

all the awake
i was missing out on last year
has finally caught up to me
and here i am,
sitting up late
not being able to bear
another failure
at something that used to be
so easy,
so simple

now i wait
and hope with all my might
that the sleep will come
and take me away
from this place
once again

i've been avoiding your messages
asking when i can hang out,
when i can sleep over

i think i'm scared
but i don't understand why

i feel sick to my stomach
and stupid
for being reluctant to do something
i know i'll enjoy

i'm tired of looking at myself
       cause i'm starting to look ugly
like when you say a word
                                      over and over and over
   until it sounds ridiculous
and completely un-word-like

              inadequacy
very well might be the most frustrating thing
                           in the history of ever

i keep comparing myself to her;
and i'm not good enough
     i have no reason to be doing this to myself
and i keep kicking myself for it

but we like the same boys
            and obviously someone has to win
      because everything is a competition,
  right, mom?

no
we can both end up happy

it's just hard to get there

but they sure as hell are


                                      *something

a messy bun
lots of silver rings
black nail polish
string bracelets
   to remind me of
            who
   and where
             i've been
as well as silver bracelets
      for the noise
a too-big flannel
toms,
a toe ring
and ripped jeans

this is who i am.

'goodbye'
is such a hard
concept
to grasp

how am i supposed to
            deal with this
you are sitting
  less than a foot in front of me,
standing,
      our bodies inches apart
and i realize
   that your neck starts
where my head ends
  and i try not to scream
   from the frustration
of you being so close
   but still not knowing how we
           fit together
even after all this time