waiting all that time
for this moment;

minds rendered useless
from the lack of sleep

bodies carelessly lain
on top of one another

fingers intertwined

lips curled
into a sleepy
half - smile

popsicles are
   awfully exciting
when you are
   three years old

giggling in the hammock
   popsicle juice
trickling down your arms

holding up your prize
   so that all the world can see the proof
that you finished your supper
   and have moved on to better things

maybe i love you
because i know
that i can't have you

because i know that you will never love me

maybe that is the reason
i'm always falling in love
with the ones i can't have

purely because
them loving me
in return
is not an option

you have taken control
of my mind
and my body

i can't concentrate
when you are in the room

if you look my way,
my stomach gets all fluttery

if you talk to me,
my hands start shaking
and i can't make them stop.

i want my body back,
i want to be in charge of
      my very own
                   self

i don't want to be the sort of person
who needs a relationship
to prove to themselves
that they are a real person.

a real person who is
desirable,
likable,
worthy of spending time with.

i want to be able to prove
these things
to myself
without your help.

pages soft from being thumbed through
so often

dog-ears throughout,
mysterious stains and sticky spots
from when i eat
and have intense mental debates
at the same time

thoughts crossed out
and notes scribbled in the margins

i fell in love with you again