it's supposed to be that way
everything needs to feel hopeless
you have to break a few times
and absolutely need to feel terrible,
worse than you've ever felt,
before you can be strong.

it's a game called life
and it's supposed to be cold
and you have to search
before you can find your warmth

my glass puzzle is coming together
I can't help but want to get it over
But this isn't something that can rushed
My hands are already bleeding from all this being forced

The pieces of the pieces have pieces
Oh no, I've still got a long way to go
we have to know the lesson life has to teach us
For now, I'm at a steady pace, and I'm trying not to let go

I am a radar, tasting the bitter words that slipped off your tongue
I want to explore every inch of you
We all have regrets, but baby, you play the instrument best.
I am arm, to be extended, and I will be entwined with you.
Really I wouldn't mind if you walked away
As long as I get a chance to see all of
Inside and out

I'm here and I'm very much alive,
and so I'll strive,
but you know what else?
i'm gonna just live.

I don't remember when it first started,
All I know it is was a pressing weight that
Fell through my lungs
Puncture some veins and killed some nerves
I heard the questions I hope we all hear
(I don't want to be the only one and all alone),
They never stopped throughout all the years.

I only figured them out enough
To make them be quiet.
And I got so violent when they were louder than me.
So I was quiet.
I'll explain this to you,
I've made peace with these nagging questions.
The professionals call this a serious case,
But I'm fine, honest.
I'll find the answers.

i said it over and over again.
You're too innocent and you don't understand
I'm trying to be patient,
But everything is torn in half
You need to know how people work
When someone returns your things nicely,
Please don't throw their little bit of belongings in the middle of the road
You have friends struggling to find food,
But yet you keep eating all of theirs

You find places to complain in small spaces
Put put faux respect in empty minds.
You're doing it all wrong when someone can see right through.

It's terrifying to suffer from years and years of
low self esteem, no confidence, and not caring if you stopped living
i'm only now healing and it's terrifying to think
someone could break me any moment
or if I think about what happened... that night..
the things that were screamed at me when I was barely awake
and the ways I started my days, breathing in as many chemical I could
or how I felt... when the chemicals didn't want to trick my brain
when I let myself fall.
all I have to do listen to a song that reminds me of how I felt.

take take take take me back, and remind me of when  I tried to feel nothing
I remember being given pills to take,
"You enjoy feeling nothing, and I don't"
I kept them in the car, in a gum bottle
and never chewed the gum
and so I felt nothing

and I tried not to feel you.
I sat at home alone
and now i'm trying not to remind myself

that's okay
I've accepted that if i break again,
then I will break.

but I'm healing. I am trying.
I even read books about it,
and listen to songs about it

He deserved to go down,
But
I didn't know how.
In history books or on me?
Because
I swear I knew what I wanted
Him around me, next to me, above me, under me, in
I wanted his good days and his bad ones and the days he didn't feel a thing
But me
I wanted to hear his past and accept it
I  didn't care if we were smoking my least favorite smokes
Maybe he's the only one I needed those night I couldn't sleep
Because with him, those nights feel weightless
If he's all that I have, then he's all I'll ever need

claim to be open to things
claim to be accepting of difference
claim to be radiating of love and hope
and then show hate at this first chance you get

I hope you never have to have tears roll down your face
While the walls close in
And there's a pain equal to a thousand tons your chest
And you don't even know why
Everything should be okay,
Because you're about to go on vacation, you finished high school, and you have money that you're about to move out with
Any normal person would feel like a million suns

But I don't

I am so so so **** lucky,
But I still can't sleep at night,
I have no energy and daytime haunts me.

I should be happy by now.

my feeling of control,
feeling like i was moving towards my goals
only lasted a year.
i think this is the reason i can't believe
i have a grasp

Aren't you tired of being this way?

My fingertips traced over hip bones
Around in circles right back to my own
I couldn't figure out why I kept coming back to me
each day spent in attempt to break yesterday's pattern left

The nights were spent running down brick roads
Climbing buildings with barbwire on ladders
And by 3 AM I was half naked in the kitchen, completely breathless.

For the past four years you've been on my mind everyday
"Can you believe how beautiful the stars look tonight?" He's so warm, his hands shake.
but this love is misplaced
I never needed you to fall in love,
I only needed myself

my skin is the fabric the world unwinds
I have late night drives
I have early mornings just trying to survive
everyone now deserves to be diagnosed.
mothers cringe at therapist, at doctors, at the money
the jail time for stolen needles
to stitch the rips.

if you tell someone that they have no right to complain
eventually you won't hear it anymore
they lock it away and become scared to speak
in fear of their own selfishness devouring them
resulting in another hidden face.

people stop crying in front of others
people stop feeling in front of others

people stop feeling anything at all.

to all the fathers that loved their daughters
and hugged their sons close
to all the mothers that did their best
and provided the life they never had

there is a type of love that the world needs,
stitched in in the skins of your children.
maybe the world can just learn to
feel again.

Mop head brown hair at a coffee shop,
He talks about his crazy girlfriend
But she has a reason for her trust issues.
He tells me I'll be the one that got away
He's here one moment and the next hes there

Barely made it back to earth.
I'm just here for the lies that leave his lips.
heavy cigarette smoke and holes in his forearm.
Im hoping this is all where it ends.

I believe the two types of people in this world are simple:
The people that despise the things I love.
The people that appreciate the way I do.
Oh my god I remember when I was in about 2nd grade.
It was a little funny, I guess.
That boy was a little ****, and I was around the crowd.
Got stuck on another boy for four years,
and never fell in love
a miracle for me

surrounded myself with people that still don't understand
And these days, I'll always have way more fun than them.

And I remember that year where I dated him
And he told my best friend to **** herself
So I spent hours trying to console her
How could I forget about the coffee house boy? already have
Singing songs while everyone prayed that we perform the softest sin
Wasn't supposed to happen. My breath reeked anyway,
I could taste it.

But before that, I felt deeply for a boy that paid too much attention to me
Wasn't his fault. I wanted to help him.
But I know where our place will always be, because the world is cruel.

and now I'm falling again, and I know I'm gonna hit rock bottom
soon.

I’ve got real friends that are willing to make me numb
Wonder if they would care if I was suddenly not here
Everything has been a trigger lately

such a quiet voice
with such significant words to say

I'll be waiting years from now for that explanation
But I won't wait around in a standstill for it.
You'll depict me as crazy for trying to reach out,
Probably define me as toxic if anyone asks.

I am awful, I won't lie.
I've been so tired of the way people treat me lately.
I've been so tired of only getting by.

this is such a scatter.
And the way your mind works is to think
Everything's about you.
But you never reached out.
You never questioned
Or asked for an explanation.


Can't say that I'll lose sleep over this

i was a child of a broken home,
but my parents were never broken up.
i am a child of untreated mental illness and severe alcoholism,
mom & dad riddled with the fear of growing up,
still blaming their parents for how they turned out.
& i saw the cycle repeated when my siblings grew unsuccessful
"it's not me, it's how my roots were planted twisted,
the death of a sister at a young age really makes a family fall apart.
it's not me, it's how my father didn't care. i just wanted
to be approved of.
i just wanted to be cared for,
but i am the way i am because my mother taught me to
be intoxicated instead of face my problems."

my siblings live in fear of becoming like my parents,
but they never take charge to alter the cycle

I grew with abuse to my mind and body,
and all i can do now is
heal myself and run far away

i am no longer my past,
the place i come from will have nothing to do
with who i become.

she keeps her head between my legs
And I scratch my nails across her back
she tells me I'm made of candy when we're like this
But all the time I'm a bitter drink that can't be stomached.
She says she'll **** me because I'm emotionally capable
its my treat for being an absolute head case.
Because when I walk through I am quiet
So quiet you almost don't notice your heart on the ground.

Don't let the moonlight sweep you off your feet
They'll claim it's a game, they'll say follow follow me
You're lost in your own intoxicated mind
and you're promising you're gonna be someone
                                      someday

I’ve never really felt like i was “home”
At night I’ve laid down a sleepy head
Full of wishes that I get through the night safe and sound
But every dream reminds me I’ve never been love in a way that didn’t bring me pain

I wake up these days to open arms and a shoulder to cry on
but the rhythm of his heart beat only is a reminder
Even though he lives in my heart rent free
I’ll never be able to make a home in his

Every time we’re tangle in the sheets I use my imagination.
Through his gasps escaping his lips,
I can make up that he says everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from him.
For a moment I can push away all the restlessness my soul endures

But the reminder crashes over me in waves when it’s over  
It swirls around my head and into words that spew out on to pages
Keeping me awake well past 3am
And I write about how I’ve never really been home.

I’ve only visited places I didn’t belong
Sat in crowded spots and and felt all alone
I’ve never found home
Not in a city, not in a person
And not in my very own vessel.

condensation on my window
Talks to me. On a 12 hour drive.
It tells me to just. Let. Go.
I forget how I used to survive

happiness is buried beneath the dirt
but please stop. I'm already tired
From digging 20 yards into the earth.
Know I'm a mess, and know I tried.

You see. Each time I wash my hands,
each time I try to start new.
It's a revenge, gifted from the lands.
i began with my intentions true.

some nights i lose meaning to my heart beat.
like the days they remember I'm too insane
and over my effort they pave layers of concrete
i reset my goals. And I let go. And obtain.

I build a mountain.
And I reach up high.
I feel the spark inside my brain.
And happiness can't lie?

Can it?
I feel eyes again. As I fall.
Here we are again. I reset.

When it's quiet in a room full of people
The room can bring on complete silence
I feel as if minds are synchronized
Only for that second,
and then the path leads to the winding streets
of their imagination
and my eyes wander as I wonder
what could they be thinking of
that's so important so silence fills the room?
Maybe they're sad about a loss
because losing a special part happens so much
or filled with joy from the joke that was told
and then reminded of something great,
in which their sniffle of laughter broke the silence
Probably a whole world made up in their head
where there are no limitations and it's pure magic
Hopefully happiness
Sided with the reasons why it's good to be alive
Maybe even wondering what everyone else is thinking about
In such a silent room

maybe I shouldn't think like that.
I keep remembering that time
we sat in the grocery store parking lot reading fortune cards
I was just there to cheer you up,

And sometimes I regret not taking the chance we could've had
But it's like I need crazy, and I have to be with insane
And when you visited me at work for that last time
I never heard from you again
I don't know if I regret it or not.

I stayed attached to a boy who would
Watch the stars with me and would grip my thighs
And in the morning he'd hide me when the church van came

Maybe I shouldn't think like this.
Maybe I shouldn't be remembering how different things could have been.

Simultaneously, it seems, everyone becomes more aware
I love it this way, but at the same time, I wish I could have
Kept to myself.

you make me feel like you're all that I need when you text me drunk at 4 AM
and during the day you play with my head,
Sober and able, and
Why did you start drinking so much?
Did you finally realize that you can't talk about my body without the liquor shots?
And you have excuses if your girlfriend asks you
And you can never make a decision

I happen to jump at shadows,
My mind is filled with a guilty conscience
But I'm not sure why.
.I've been searching for answers late at night.
My eyes are closed and the lights are out
But there's thunder outside and the trees are falling down
I can't help but think that I'm the wind and lightning that caused this mess
.if you'll be my debris, I'll be your everything.
I lock the door and turn the lights off just so I can't see my own shadow.
i don't want to remember where I've been sometimes
I don't want to think about who i used to be.

If I don't take my sleeping pills
I stay up all night and you infest my thoughts
It feels like an obsession,
It's not even every night.
when I close my eyes I see your colors
Taking up my eyelids and I fall asleep
And in my dreams you're so much close,
And in your dreams you told me
We were closer than ever
I still want to know all the details

It feels like an obsession.
It feels like when I move,
I do it for you
And you'll move into me

Slow down,
I have to slow down

To answer your question,
I believe it would've worked
And I never got over it
I think you would be happier than you are now

Please keep me from thinking anymore.

I want to feel your skin pressed against mine
in the worse way, drizzled in vain
Soaked in revenge,
Oh, baby, let me tear you apart
I'm crazy, crazy
unhealthy mindset.
let me teach you love in physical pain is all night,
let me abandon you when you love it
and I'll let your life be ruined
soaked in pain and regret.

my best friends
subtweet me
it's time to find
New best friends

how many times can i fall in love with the idea
of a person
how many times will someone fall in love with
the idea of
me

im a violent downpour
And the sound of my voice is a lure
I'll invite you in,
so I can mess with your mind,
Because I'm tired of what's on mine
I'm damaged and damaging all at once

I'll uproot your home
And your family will always ask what happened
in the debris, you'll search for an answer.

A melody will still play in the wind,
And the sounds that run around will stick in your head
You'll wonder how you ended up with no love in your heart.

You'll wonder for years if you're ever going to recover
It's not smart to stay outside in the middle of a hurricane.
But you'll stay forever because you think you love the chaos.

I'm sorry I'll never fall in love with you
But I can pretend so I make my mother happy
And I found a boy who's too innocent
He just wants to cuddle and he's never showered with someone else

I'm sorry I'm still searching for someone to test my limits
The floor can be a bed and that's what I need
But he hesitates and I can't take it

I don't want to fall in love
I can't fall in love
It's been over a year since I've actually cried

im searching for my sunshine on a planet where it only rains
Now, I need you to fall in love with me
It's nothing personal.
I need your sugar filled comments

Maybe you'll remind me to love myself
but I don't know what I'm doing
And I hope you'll forgive me
I can tear you apart, and I won't mean it
And you can pray to the god you don't believe in
That one day I'll be okay.

shrug your shoulders and become indifferent.
drugs aren't working anymore, and you can't block out your past
and there's not enough cigarettes to block out the stress
what's constant recovery, and who are you?
When you're overdosing and calling it quits,
pale face, blue lips, and you have circles under your eyes
but somehow, you're still alive, just not living too well.
this is the end, and this is nothing but an echo,
and i keep repeating myself, but i wouldn't be able to look at you the same
we move together like the sky seems to move
but the way we move is all an illusion
maybe i'm a hypocrite, but i can't handle the both of us
how am i supposed to keep you from slipping down?
my head hurts and i can't breath.
is this all my fault or your fathers fault?
is there a part of him you left  behind,
or am i a bad influence because i force you think about these things?
i think too much and i'm suffocating, and you look like
what someone looks like when they lose hope,
you remind me of darkness when i'm just trying to live
and maybe i should stay away from you, and take a breath
because death is laughing at the both of us, and we're waving at him
so maybe we should just go back to staring at each other
because we don't know each others names

force yourself to fall in love with me
and we could pretend that we are in love tonight.
just for tonight,
because when the sun hits the window sill,
and when you have to be gone again...
I'll be on my way.
I'll return the parts of you that completed me,
the dancing, the neck kissing, the days before....
and if we're lucky,
we'll never see each other again.

I don’t know if I love you or not,
Not even sure if I actually really like you.
What kind of difference have you brought?
The first time I saw you,
I was hatless and you had a hat.
But I skipped right over that moment
And never thought twice about you,
It took months, in fact, for me to completely notice you.
But now I’m here,

I don’t know if I like you or not,
But I’m almost sure I love you,
But as a friend.
Sometimes I think more than a friend,
But I just wanna kick it with you for a little while.
In not a friend way.

I don’t know if you like me or not,
But I just wanna hang out
For a very long time,
If that’s okay?

In 1809,
I was having a divine time
Until suddenly a tragedy
Brought on my worst travesty.

every year on this day,
children come to my home to play
they giggle but run away pale faced
as if they had just seen-

I’m excited for the entertainment
Why brood in disappointment?
And after so many October 31sts,
I’ve gathered a crowd of children who were cursed

We stay here now forever
And all scare the new ones together
If you come to play
You may die and stay

we are on the same page, on opposite sides
Red and blue, our colors collide
the world is my dream,
with light between my inner thighs
your dreams are warm, swarmed with me

I can only finish
If I think about you
all the videos I used to watch,
Don’t make me feel the same way.
I’d rather think about going to your house
And feeling your fingers dance on my thighs
Until you’re practically tearing my clothes off  
Because now when I’m in bed with someone else
I close my eyes real tight and I can see the smug look on your face,
I see you grinning while I’m moaning, and you’re hitting every spot just right

It was short lived and that’s okay.
Maybe things are better off left that way.

I will not burden you with my sadness,
I will write it down, and burn the bottle
I will watch the circles repeat, and
I will carry the freedom of happiness
I am. you are. every is. so much greater
than emotions, you are a breath of fresh air
you are a soul, born to fly,
to disappoint
to impact
and no one is nothing
Do not watch the stars with envy,
but with the knowledge you are
children of the stars,
they are the ones who crafted you

how do i go anywhere
when i'm stuck
in the tide of the current
struggling in the deep end?
how do i go anywhere
when i'm addicted to
the pain the scratches at me
and drags me back in?

strawberry. we're red, we're orange.
a mixture of a flame, but its nothing important
she breaks me open,
it's not anything for love
now she has all the fire.
And I am colorless

Feels like my heart beating out of my chest
Thoughts of I’m going insane and dying.
Fears from reality
And not being able to breathe correctly

My head is full and racing and blank all at once
I really don’t know how to combat this.
I don’t know where to go to feel safe.
I don’t know what to do but wrap myself in a blanket
And be terrified that something is wrong
There’s something really wrong this time
There’s something really really wrong.
I can’t breathe and my chest hurts
My stomachs in knots and it feels like I’m going to pass out
Or die.
Where can I go? I don’t feel safe.
am I losing my mind? Am I losing the fabrics of reality?
Somethings really really wrong.
And I don’t know what to do.

I’d be better on my own
It breaks my heart to say,
But I don’t think your arms are my home
They’re never open for me anyway

I know you probably tried your best,
We’re just not each other’s person.
So, when I move out west
I won’t be around to be a burden.

I need to feel loved
I need to feel defended
For you I pushed and shoved
But after everything, you couldn’t give me what I needed

We drove until our irises turned a different color
We drove until we had to turn around
We drove until the sky reminded us it was over
We drove until we knew this wasn't our happy ending.
and I'll drive for years, until I can get you out of my head.

he could be everything I need
but one of us is just too ******* weird
and it’s not him.
and when we speak,
i m too prone to acting like myself.
he loves it but I don’t.

****, if my mental illness isn't torture enough
then life keeps swinging her punches
i feel weak all the time.