i don’t really like to cry
but i think I’ve cried everyday
for the past two years.
i have climbed myself out of every hole i dug,
and life threw its punches, but i would swing harder

lately my mind and mouth feel like metal,
my chest feels heavy with the rise and falls
and my bones are weak
my muscles ache.

i am tired.
i wish it all could just stop.

You're in my brain
You're in my skin
You're in my blood
You're in my veins
You're in my writing,
And everything is for you.

he told me i tasted like the sunrise,
my lips told a story of a new beginning.
but the last time i saw him
i felt as cold as the day we first met.
suddenly, my sunrise fell and
he told me i left a bitter taste in his mouth

I beg for attention in subtle ways,
and now I'm losing my mind, these people don't care
they never ******* did.
I'm losing my mind and I don't want to think.

i hear them talk about their childhoods
how they wish that they could go back.
my issues started early
i keep my head down.
cause god, i'm grateful i don't have to go back.

I'm tired and I can't figure out why.
it could be because i went 48 hours without closing my eyes.
but i still feel the same, just delirious, i still feel the same
i'm trying to shut my brain down,
it's all because i'm sick of the bags under my eyes
from feeling unalive.
i spent all day crying,
only to learn that these thoughts are always going to go unnoticed.

I'll run through the streets, jumping in front of cars
I need a rush and a better way to feel
This is my own personal war.
I'm determined to win more than ever.

but the struggle is that every thing is closed.

I started breathing like a dragon more
when my throat feels like it’s on fire,
my demons voices become tired
So when my mind is unaltered I try to carry this state on more

Self therapy and self medication is terrifying
when you never know if you’re moving in the right direction
And have a nagging feeling you’ll never afford mental correction
there’s still many days that are too paralyzing

So
The moon told me
The clocks told me
The sun and his siblings all told me
“I promise you’ll be okay.”

I am a soul
Riddled with trust issues
I am a soul
That my brain has poisoned

I have the soul of a fire
I have hands as cold as Antarctica’s air
I have my feet grounded
I have the wrath of the ocean

I am unstoppable

I think it’s happened again
you see, there’s a guy
Who has feelings i’d normally condemn.
whenever I see him he’s always broken and high

He’s a guy who refuses to rise above  
But he’s manipulated me into believing he’s found his twin flame
And he pulls the trigger with precise aim,
but he’s already in love.

the past is chasing you down
but I won't let it get to you again
you get so high and leave the world for a little while
but I can't let you get hurt
"there's time to grow and time to wait
time to move, and time for fate
to show you your future of unimaginable dreams."
and is your future tickling at your nose?
I can't let you see it if you're going to hate yourself
are you going to be burned out?
I can't let you get hurt
again

and i starve for the right words to come and save me
to give my eyes light, and show my skin sun
it seems as if the windows stare back at me
when i watch the trees sway
calling me outside
to feel lonely around people who are
supposed to
love me

I have a war inside my head
And sometimes I lie in bed
And pretend to be dead

Sometimes I lay awake,
wishing the earth would quake
And then my belly aches

But I am not hungry
It’s just emotional sundry
my mind becomes so ugly.

so, hear it from me, I’m starving.
Hoping to feeling something.
On these nights my mind is startling.
Until the war is almost calming.

The blood shed keeps the vampires fed
And I’m sorry for this war inside my head
I’ve always appreciated the people who never fled
because I know they all dread this war inside my head

my name is depression,
Because these lows seem to define
my entire mental illness.
my name is depression when I’m lost,
Blacking out from the heavy weight of my mind
My name is depression
When my manager notices I’m not motivated,
And suddenly my career is on the line.
my name is depression
when I’m in the middle of an episode
And can’t be bothered to do classwork
And suddenly I’m threatened with being kicked out of college.
And I’m defined by all of this, purposeless.
My goal is rise above the chemicals in my brain,
Without therapy or medicine.
Because I’ve always taken pride in being independent.
But it’s time for me to ask for help.

I told her she’s just another body
she came too soon and I licked my lips
now she keeps hitting my line,
she’s addicted again.

The deeper breaths I take,
The more I suffocate
It's like my blood vessels are restricting my throat
A snake that curls into my brain, poisoning my thoughts
The more I think,
The more I sink.
And I just so happen to believe this is all falling apart

If you don’t think about the needy
You’re selfish.
Self entitled, far from selfless
You should want to help others
The homeless
The needy

But your mind crumbles
Under the thought
Of you could’ve easily been
A drug addicted woman
Separated from her family
Who realized no amount of love
Can push away an addicts love
For white lines and heated spoons.

So your depression isolates you.
Because you were so close to being her
But you end up with empathy
And empty pockets
With the heavy weight of knowing
There’s no way of helping
Someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

“we should sit in my car
behind this abandoned house
we should fill our lungs with smoke,
i can change your mind,
while your world is a blur,
the pressure between your hips
will be heavier than ever.
and when it’s all said and done,
I’ll make you promise to keep it a secrect.
and when it’s all said and done,
You’ll sympathize with that house,
And you’ll feel empty just like that house.
Your frames will bend and break,
And I don’t care how you’re getting home.
And I don’t care that your eyes are blinded with tears.
i just want you.
but you’ll feel heavy and empty all at once when I’m done with you. “

she goes down on me,
my body flows with ecstasy,
i am so high,
but when shes done
she brings me down

I wanted to remind them of what it was like
to bite-
you know how ice will shell around water?
still breakable, that was me
but I turned to frozen, and when someone tried
to bite.
into me.
they broke their teeth, froze their tongue,
and was warmed by my skin,
and they would fall apart
this is the path i set for myself.
I'm destructive in this sense

-This is happiness-
There's a spot for me at the end of the hall
(Last door to the right)
They keep the party running and it never ends
The faster I walk, the quicker it fades

-this is happiness, keep your concerns-
Busy hands and blistering feet
No time to think,
Gotta stay quick
Gotta lose sleep.

-everything's calloused-
Lips stopped bleeding long ago
My teeth commanded an end to chattering
And now there's dry blood under my fingernails

-it seems so brutal, but this is happiness-
Where is the time going?
How to speak, how to think, how to find the time?
How do you pack a car to stay away 500 miles?
How do you leave what you've known?

-with a future-
There's a hallway with a room waiting just for me.
They have a show that doesn't stop,
they welcome fuzzy brains
Their words play over and over across my eyes
"You could be the life of the party and the star of our show"

when I first met you, i hated your voice
i forced myself to love it like i didnt have a choice
i spent all night with you, i dared you to make a move
you did, but it was never enough.

look, I wanted to have fun
they watch me now.
I found my sense of style and they follow me now
I'm not going to look at the world like you
Like I used to,
When I was absent of love.

you take me to a place I’ve never been before
And when you take my hand,
You guide me through everything I thought I couldn’t do before.
And if you fall, I hope you know it’s safe to land.

It’s not been easy for us
But we can grow and heal our wounds
and recover from all the hurt
But I know it takes time, so there is no rush

We’ve got all the time in the world
To build up everything we need.
It’s going to be okay

She scatters in the mirrors that surround her. lights shine technicolor prisms on her skin that every single person tears a part differently. her candy apple colored lips wrap her teeth in joy, but he bares the vision of a monster with blood dripping from her mouth preying on her next victim. her voice is wrapped in cashmere as she sings only love to the ones she loves. he hears the voice of a siren, only leading everyone around her to the unassuming fate of a shipwreck. And her hands are filled with carnations of white, reds, and pinks. But he believes to see her true colors, behind the petals where he thinks he sees yellow and purple hues wrapped in her claws.

I found peace in a place where
Most people would be terrified.

we spend a lot of time on twin size mattresses
our heads weigh unto the pillow,
and our thoughts are so heavy
we spend a lot of time breaking out of conventional ways

i hear you say you wanna be happy
but you rest your head on concrete floors
and my concerns are way too high
for someone who won't help them self

i wore myself out before sleeping in my car,
falling asleep not sure if i'd wake up
and praying i don't someday have to sell myself
just to make ends meet.

back then we were fighting to be self actualized
when we weren't sure where our next meal would come from
every day my brain battles me,
but i'm strong enough to someday win the war.

you spent too much time praying and not doing

You are an empty parking lot at night
You are the inside of an abandoned store
You are my room at 4:30 AM,
Left over heat,
cold taking over.
I'm sorry I wasn't the picture you painted of me
I'm sorry I couldn't complete you.
We were walking in the streets at midnight
I was breathless and my skin was cold.
You were that night
When we stared at the sky and kept me warm
I'm sorry I believed that's who you were.

I was told that these people were what was painted
There's hope in this blood and fine lines
And there's pain in the hope that's draped
Over the woodlands,
This future will never be what you wanted.
Over the skyline,
This life is bought and pay for,
And you sold the hours in between.
Sometimes they move too fast to understand.
This is all so slow compared to what I knew...
My eyes are rested,
And I can see they take this all for granted.

Today I didn't want to see
All the bad things or the good things
I just needed to rest.

I don't know if you know what sadness feels like
When it lasts for years, and you never catch a break
until you go numb and learn when you need to laugh
I don't know if you know what constantly changing is like,
when you can't find steady ground and
you're not sure if you can love, or if you're even capable
of feeling that way
I know you know greed, impatience, and anger
I don't know if you know that I have tried with all my strength,
to be the exact opposite of those things
I waited to feel alive, and tried to catch it,
but the people that brought me up showed me the news
instead of cartoons
they sighed at the slightest annoyance instead of giving me patience
and they told me about the horrors
and I saw all the bad in all the people

when people move,
it's like watching them be controlled by an invisible thread
always so afraid that if they're a little too nice,
somethings going to snap.

so, everyone seems to have everything to loose
except for those who sleep without a bed
they shut their eyes in alley ways with a high price
those are the people who seem to move without a map

i'm just searching for someone who will show me
how to make the pain stop in my head
teach me the way to move to cut my string
it feels like control, and i need to be free

my eyes are sore.
each night i meet the sun
and add up the hours
i add up the hours from
work, work, college
i calculate
how long i slept,
and there's never enough time
in the daytime
to do what i need to do,
but i cannot be tired.
i have such a long way to walk

I didn't have someone I could tell everything to
For a very very long time.
It was trial and error for me
And I cut off the errors
And kept trying.
It took years
To trust one single person.
How am I supposed to find that again?

there’s hope.
For the lost, after all.
I fall
In love
With everyone for who they are.
I connect with everyone
On the level they need me to.
and not everyone needs me
But for the ones that do,
I am here
For you
Forever.
And I believe
There’s hope for you
And there’s hope for me.
And we will rise above

if i told you to call me when you understand what's going on in my head,
i'd never hear the phone  ring again,
and i would never hear your voice.

and some nights i think it's better than way.

I have the wrath of the ocean,

I’m not sure why all this love I have
Is aimed at someone who assumes the worst of me.
It hurts so much.

I settle in &
watch cars pass my house
for three straight hours.
it’s the summer,
I’ve lost the battle with my mind today.
and I remember,
That’s it. That’s all it is. Just a battle,
I have a whole war to fight.

i settle in tomorrow,
smile at myself in the mirror,
feel the feeling of absurdity and acceptance-
Well, it never stays too well.
I lose the battle once again.

when the night sets in & im all alone
To my thoughts waging on
I’ll be exhausted in the morning and throughout the day
maybe i can lay my head down somewhere
That’s not my car.
but now my car is stuck in the road for three straight hours.
It’s a lump of plastic and metal,
But I feel myself losing against the chemicals in my brain with odds fighting me.

in less than a week,
A home finds me.
My weary soul finds a place to go.
I find structure in modern soulmates-
Maybe I’ll be less hopeless.
I’ll settle in & forget about the past 6 months.
& I’ll win many more battles.

I’m calling it quits
I need a break from all the stressful smoke breaks
Nights spent breathing in air as heavy as Earth
with a heavy chest with the same thought looping
“why is most love unrequited?”

I’m done tying myself to people
who push me around to see the pain in my eyes
But I still feel safe with them
and then all the bad thoughts become a blanket
So depression makes the softest bed
It’s easy to wake up and find myself paralyzed

I’m cleaning out the skeletons
They over flow my closet and their ghosts follow me
Everywhere I go I carry demons
If I speak my truth with an open heart,
Maybe I’ll find angels to replace the evil.

I’m going to let go
And forgive myself
And everyone who doesn’t deserve it.

I am starting with cleaning the ashes of those I’ve burned.

he withdraws himself from me
because his actions hurt me in the first place
I’ve angered him with my own sadness
but he tells me he could’ve just set me free
I’m lucky he’s stuck by my side.

He says things to other girls
That he refuses to say to me
My thoughts are in a blur
And my mind soaks in jealousy

But it’s my fault I feel this way
I have to take claim for my actions and pay
And hope he’ll want to touch me again.
And hope he’ll forgive me again

I hope he forgives me for making him angry.
I hope he forgives me for acting so crazy
I just love him so much
And I would give any part of myself to make him happy.

i can't seem to find a good balance
between structure and constant change.

i have a million goals,
but i'm still searching for a purpose.
i need to make an impression on the world,
that lasts long after i'm gone.

I forgot how it felt to feel alive
And now I feel absolutely nothing