water is gasoline
and i'm steady drinking it.

my necklace is noose,
i'm waiting to slip.

my bracelets as razors,
pressed up against me.

cigarettes as car exhaust
when i watch it fill the dead air,
i breathe deeper.

and i stop all together.
there was something about
feeling close to death.

i search for that feeling on the edge of tall buildings.

and i'm always on the edge.

I'm tired and I can't figure out why.
it could be because i went 48 hours without closing my eyes.
but i still feel the same, just delirious, i still feel the same
i'm trying to shut my brain down,
it's all because i'm sick of the bags under my eyes
from feeling unalive.
i spent all day crying,
only to learn that these thoughts are always going to go unnoticed.

i wonder if i would have made it in this site,
if the "request to join" button was always there.
my form of poetry is different,
it's reassurance to have a community outlet
with the option of keeping anonymous.

i wonder what the administrators idea of a worthy poem is
and how they rate it to let people in

condensation on my window
Talks to me. On a 12 hour drive.
It tells me to just. Let. Go.
I forget how I used to survive

happiness is buried beneath the dirt
but please stop. I'm already tired
From digging 20 yards into the earth.
Know I'm a mess, and know I tried.

You see. Each time I wash my hands,
each time I try to start new.
It's a revenge, gifted from the lands.
i began with my intentions true.

some nights i lose meaning to my heart beat.
like the days they remember I'm too insane
and over my effort they pave layers of concrete
i reset my goals. And I let go. And obtain.

I build a mountain.
And I reach up high.
I feel the spark inside my brain.
And happiness can't lie?

Can it?
I feel eyes again. As I fall.
Here we are again. I reset.

My lips are to the paper.
I inhale and exhale tiny coughs.

For a moment, I'm a gypsy.
but I stand still.
I stop myself from moving from where I am
Because I'm happy,
My surroundings become stale.

I press the pen to the paper
I breathe in shaky breaths,
And wonder why
My head feels so loose.
I wonder how
I can act like I feel so alive,
And feel absolutely nothing.

I stop myself from thinking
By pressing my lips against a bottle sometimes
I need the sadness just to know I'm alive.

the girl next to me is talking.
she says her happiness goes down with the temperature
everyone else repeats these words like a forged signature.
but hot air never stopped my shivering.
for me, it comes without a warning sign.

I'll be waiting years from now for that explanation
But I won't wait around in a standstill for it.
You'll depict me as crazy for trying to reach out,
Probably define me as toxic if anyone asks.

I am awful, I won't lie.
I've been so tired of the way people treat me lately.
I've been so tired of only getting by.

this is such a scatter.
And the way your mind works is to think
Everything's about you.
But you never reached out.
You never questioned
Or asked for an explanation.


Can't say that I'll lose sleep over this