They asked me a question
One that sounded so easy
They asked what my Utopia is
But answering this made me queasy

With every pro came a con
It was not simple at all
Of course I could say a world without
War, starvation, poverty, and hate
But what is a life with out a bridge to cross
Without a sad memory or loss
With out a struggle with a victory
Or a smile and a misery?
You see this is why I answered to them
My Utopia is where I am

I learned to hate when I was 10
and studied my flaws first:
frayed and wispy hair,
weak and bony shoulders,
and a smile more crooked
than old, crumbling floorboards,
(a calloused thumb to blame).

When my only few took to rushing out,
like blood from an open vein,
I wasn't surprised: Everybody leaves,
and why wouldn't you?
Soon my house would have
one less body, leaving alone
to sleep in another empty bed.

When I was 16 I tore myself apart
on the bathroom floor at 4AM.
I knew it was my fault
that she didn't love me.
I saw every reason in the mirror.
I chewed my lips to blood and scars
and tore my brittle hair from its roots.

I studied my flaws like a science,
measuring the chips and stains
on my teeth, still crooked
like an uprooted house.

I opened up a Men's Health
as awkwardly as I was sitting
in that cold, dry room
filled with cheap leather chairs.

"7 Steps to Being Confident,"
Only seven, he says.
The first read, "Love Yourself."
Not a moment, I whispered Nope,
frightened by my instinct.

I'd like to see you try
I threatened, tossed back
into a memory of a failing roof.

Divorce is a landmine
that twists and tears off your leg.
You'll stand after a year,
but you'll never walk again.

It’s an endless photo album
that you can't keep closed up,
locked away in a dusty attic.

All my wars raged in a single year.
One-legged and trying to run away,
I couldn't dare love someone like that.

Tonight i feel like one of millions
hear the sound of my life
can you dance to night
all of us waiting for the rain
to wash away the dust of our lives
and make us again feel
then we can get love
and begin to feel again
Yes!
tonight i feel like one of millions.

Is this who I am?
Is this what I am?
Anger rushing through my veins
Racing with the adrenaline
Hatred in close third
I laid my hands on you
I swore I never would
I asked you to run
So why didn't you?
Why did you stay?
You knew it was going to happen
I had no control
I saw nothing but red
Blood was all I tasted
Hungry for the violence
Patiently waiting for me to wreak havoc
Tearing clawing at my insides
Is this who I am?
Is this what I am?
The monster you now have nightmares of
Do I frighten you?
I showed my true colors
Is this who I really am?
A monster seeking nothing but destruction
Setting fire to the bridges
It took years to build
Why?
Why didn't you run?
I begged you
Pleaded with you
To run the moment
You saw my pulse racing
Eyes going blank
Why didn't you run?
I showed my true colors
And you're now terrified to look at me
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I know I'm a monster
But I never intended for you to get hurt

Beautiful. When I see you I see that you are wonderful.
Reserved. When I am around you I want to explode
Numb. Everything is weak.

But you hit me in the stomach.
Like I'm falling off a cliff
Like I'm about to slip
When can we get back to love

Tender. Your fingers are electric
Happineess. You bring me peace.
Love. When you feel so alone, you get blind to the girl who is right. By. Your. Side.

Balance.
So far there is no balance
In this world
This world where words have no value
Hearts are asleep
And lies
Are better than knives

Beautiful. When I see you shine
Smiles. You bring a light into my life
Freedom. Will I ever find you?
Will I ever be able to look at and move past the blue?

That was the year her father died. She never knew him, but she sees herself in his pictures and regrets not calling him. That was the year the man she took to her sister's wedding turned out to be Gay. The year she lost all hope In love. 2012 was the year her old brother took her hand for the first time and told he loved her, as she tried to hide her snot and tears In a room full of strangers her dad knew. That was the year her thigh developed scars. The year she rode her bike everywhere. The year she never fully knew whether or not she had friends. The year she stopped caring about the relationship between her and her step dad. The year she stopped respecting him. A lot of the Friday nights in 2012 were spent at her older sisters house, watching movies and eating brownies Laughing. A lot. That was the year she grew stronger. That was the time she lived for herself. With 1012 came a new outlook. 2012 *** the year that she knew who she was and what she was doing in life and found out that as hard as it is to move forward, life does go on. Mo matter what.