i guess i make it too obvious
i don't want to talk about things
because since i turned sixteen
you haven't asked me how i feel
or how my day was
but i guess that's okay
because i was always the one drowning
and you were always the one
yelling at me to "just swim"

loving you was the
most beautiful form of
self-destruction.

Nine-thousand you said,
Nine-thousand would be
The number of your death.

You told me,
As if I could help.
As if you would let me.

You took the pill to ****
The thin,
Papery feeling.

We became friends,
Through our pain
But you betrayed.

I'm tired you said.
I'm going to sleep you said.
You left me.

Are you okay I said.
Please tell me you're okay.

Like smoke in my lungs, it is an acquired taste that I could not bring myself to quit. And now that I have, the flavor is unprecedentedly toxic.
2. Your name is merely a catalyst to my relapse. You turned your head away from it then, and I know you will turn your head away from it now.
3. To hear that beautiful arrangement of letters coming from my own lips only reminds me of the genuine smile on your face that you can only have when I am gone. And every time it makes me wonder if I truly mean it when I say I am happy for you.
4. I cannot reconcile what is with what could have been. Maybe if I was still yours and you were still mine, it would be endearing to say your name.
5. When it's 4 am and I am falling apart in my half empty bed, I cannot find the breath to utter your name between sobs.
6. I have spent too much time pretending that your absence has had no affect on me that I have not yet grieved. But, I could never pity myself without shouting your name into an empty void.
7. Maybe I am only idealizing you, but his name left a bitter taste and I have been craving yours on my lips.
8. I cannot say your name because I know that if you were to turn your head in recognition, I'd get lost in those blue eyes and fall for you all over again.
9. There is no logic behind how I inherited the right to say your name. Since you have left, this complacency is eating me alive and I am only left to wonder why someone so beautiful would have ever touched a soul like mine.
10. I cannot speak of your name any longer because it is no longer my privilege. It is hers to say now.

Everyone is in a mood
Happier when unhappy
At home in wistful, lamenting desire
Everyone is emotional
Though we truly are emotion
Everyone has a reason
To feel what they feel
And some of us
Feel what we feel
Feel what they feel
Feel what we would feel
Feel what they should feel
Feel what we want them to feel
It is those of us who can feel to the extreme
Who can fill up a universe with tears, bleeding hearts, and love
Yes, it is the few who can find the beauty in pain
The joy in sadness
The comfort in the last wistful breeze of the season
The rare few who are gifted with depth of emotion
It is those who we call poets

Jesus Christ I swear I'm trying it's just not working, everything keeps falling through, keeps slipping through, and maybe I'm not doing this right, maybe I'm just making mistakes, but I don't even know where to start, I'm trying to take it one step at a time but everything happens all at once and I'm not fast enough, I'm not strong enough to carry on like this, my feet are tired and I don't care enough to try any harder, I'm giving up, I'm sorry