reasons who said you won't help me
you don't want to hurt me.
no one has tried to
crack me
not even my best friends.
maybe no one should love me
as if to shield them.
that's something I could understand.

I'm obviously at fault
what's changed?
sometimes you can't understand someone
no matter how hard you try.

I can smell you in my hair-
Take me home
But not here,
That's not home.
Home is my temple resting on your collarbone.

Home is your eyes
in the light of your car
and the moonlight
sweetly singing
and a static in the air.

I could listen to you talk for hours on end.

The beat of a drum,
thumps
in the carpet of my soul.

My insides vibrating,
lumps
of dense emotions.

His foot on the pedal,
lurches
the vehicle of sound.

Everything's pounding.
Everything's loud.

Moth eaten land
thrown on water.
Strings of thread tie them loosely
together.
Pigmented
red and green
embossed with hilly sections.
Thin air
thin words
thin reflections.

In a world where these things
move too fast
And us kids
don't get
troubled with choice
There's no variance in life

We get stuck
and then pushed
and then shoved
into things that we don't
quite believe in
then we're deceiving
ourselves
and our minds
and our souls
We don't allot time
to these things
and our goals
become slowly
unattainable
we're unable
to think
for ourselves
our own personal hells
we become.

But one thing I chose in my life
Was the
pattern of my blanket
And in my mind it's a statement
In my mind it's a
declaration
of my
independence
of my
strength to choose
of my
sudden reverence
for
people who know what they want
and they go out and get it
without waiting for a second
their courage makes me
hope that this ****** generation
can be saved
by the power
of someone's motivation.

Cause ambition only gets you so far
then you've gotta make a move
you've gotta pick or choose
And I've always been
so indecisive
With my life
I've been spoon fed
a dream
but that dream wasn't me.

So break
free from the shackles
Break
free from the chains
cause we're horses
with blinders
we're birds
with clipped wings
So break
out of this box
break
into the world
We can't fly yet,
but man,
can we sing.

So
although it's only a blanket
It's a lot more than that
I consider it a fact
Cause to me
This
whole charade of a life
is a myth
it's a 100 ft tall cliff
and we jump.

Freezing
*******
Cold
is nothing
chanced or brought to discussion?

I'd rather clear the air
with this
Unwanted and uncalled for
Disruption

I'm a teenaged mess
convoluted
a quest
extremely hard to follow

I'm hollow at best
until you get me undressed
then you know I'm the kind of girl
that'd swallow

He cannot believe
that I have my own opinion
my own lense
my own life

He is a pushing, smothering
ideal
He is wanting to steal
the only thing I have

But I am not 16 anymore
I am a week from 19
I am strong, I am loved

I've seen my faults, I have forgiven my faults. But I will never be able to forget what he's done. Never.

All this time, he thought there was a chance.
That my kindness stretched over fire and hell.
But I'm not stupid, I'm not ignorant to hurt.
I know how that would feel.

What if
It happened

What if
I have to tell the world
With an unspoken shame
A teenage catastrophe

What if
It happened

I'm not even 16
I'm not ready
Let's just stop

What if
It happened

I don't think I can take a life
Decide something so big

What if
It happened

And it's all gone in a blink
And I'd just stare at that paper
With unbelieving eyes
And an unsteady hand
Just breathing out the truth
Gasping for air
And for something real and tangible

And not a positive pregnancy test

At the edge of the bed-
black ice
on my face
because you can't
see these tears
but you can feel their pain

Refrain-
from telling me I need to change
I will never
not for you
to keep from going insane

It's plain
to me
my back to your body
You have never loved me
you only loved my body
But not its innards
Its facts
Its unsightly gaps

Keep your criticisms to yourself-
you want to improve me
But I'm comfortable with this
hatred, it's coursing through me
Running
full speed
adrenaline pumping

I know what I'm changing
it's you that I'm dumping

discomfort births interest
and I hate that
because I like feeling comfortable
but I need that interest

why can't I just find someone who doesn't hate me?
someone who doesn't want to rip out my arteries
and watch me bleed out
staining the carpet
fuelling the "inspiration" he needed
or becoming the answer to his questions.

I'm tired of watching myself be torn apart by someone who feeds off of my pain

If you had a chance, you just blew it.
What the **** were you thinking?
I can't even begin to place myself inside your head,
like I have so many times.

I was awake the whole time.
I wanted to throw up so badly,
On everyone and everywhere
You're so disgusting.

I love you so much
Do you want to make me feel so sick,
And make my head spin so much,
That I can't even sleep?

I've been up all night and you have to steal my sleep
You ******* *******
You just blew whatever chance you had left.

the feeling of a fleeting summer
the anxiety of a loss
snow plows out at
2:30 am
and in my bed I toss

momma fell asleep at the wheel again
mommas on her meds like always
I took a few pills
from her purse for thrills
they end up tasting like empty hallways

poignant, pulsing, peppered pills
give me some water to drown it out
you know I've always hated the sound
of open doors closing

what a little girl
would give
to have
a mother back-
healthy
to have a mother back-
again
to have a mother that was present;
a mother that wouldn't resent
you for being part from him

Is the blanket blue or green?
Who's blind now?

Bracelets.
Intricate weaving,
Heavy breathing,
Sharp pains,
Quick thoughts,
She tightens the knots.
She’ll strangle them into a masterpiece.
As beautiful, and innocent as her face.

So vibrant,
Too young,
Now withering with heavy thoughts.
Her head is now throbbing,
Dragging her sorrow.
Like an empty box of lead.

“Feel something.”
She says,
Only moving her lips.
Because bracelets,
They cover up the slits.
They suffocate the thoughts.
Bracelets cover the pain.
The blade calls to her,
It knows her by name.
It’s got a hold of her,
Forcing her shaking wrists to tame.

No one will notice.
They would never even look.
Not inspecting something they’d never expect.
It’ll go on,
Till those tiny slits,
Make way to dripping wounds,
She’ll hide them,
Until a point where she is doomed.
She feels no fire.
No cannot conjure up a soul.
The bracelets hid it all.
Her childhood they stole.
She lays water to skin,
Fighting for her breath.
The once clear and pure water,
Turns an ugly red.
She looks up to the ceiling,
Blank and cold.
It’s nothing she’ll be feeling.
Cause “nothing” got so old.

Flesh wound
Bumpy terrain
On my arm
Like holes in lace

Oh it stings so good
and it looks so bad
Rotting skin
White and red clash

I look inside
Past my snow, so white
Kind of cover I had
That never fit quite right

These gaping holes
Excite me so
I hope these gaping holes
Will never be sewn

Can you kiss me again?
please
You're so "me"
it kills me

Can I just lay on your bed?
please
listen to you play
with my eyes closed

Can we simply breath together?
please
I know you're "you"
and that comforts me

For ****'s sake
**** straight
just please
Can you kiss me-
again?

I got home and I cried
cause he made me spark
and a storm formed inside
the deepest crevices of my heart

And my throat
was a stream
of warm caramel
like a sweetly dripping dream
dripping down into a well

When I reached for his chest
I simply couldn't breath
for my body was in shock
but there was not even a heave
just a soft lullaby
of the sound of the stream
of my blood in my veins
and unstitching of seams

I'd touch his skin
While he'd sing like a guitar
with strings like butter
and a serrated harp

But even though I touched
he seemed so very far

I wanted to touch his soul
In that moment
In his car

I've been dreaming a lot lately
Quite literally
And my dreams tell me stories
That I'm trying to decipher

I dreamt that I had brain cancer
That I'd be dead in a year
And I didn't tell my mother
Nor a thought to my father
Not even my closest friend

All I wanted was a caramel sundae
From Dairy Queen
That's all I wanted
Because why not?
I was to die anyway

So I guess I found out that I should eat that caramel sundae every time I get the chance, because someday I won't be here to eat it.

You came to me so docile
Like a caterpillar on a leaf
But like that caterpillar,
You had full intention of
ripping me
apart
with your
teeth

And you offered up some ****
and I gave in with naivety
though I was already high
you watched me
oh
so
steadily

Then you pounced
I couldn't flee
Immobile me
couldn't push
you far
but I said a few
stops
and
nos
and
please don't Charlie
but you kept
on going
persistant

Persistance is key
they say
Well
**** that
I say

You degraded me that night
You
***** me
that night.

I'm never going to accept a sorry.

I can't sleep
I miss you
Although it's better this way

I wish I cherished when things were on fire
Things were white lights
And tin foil plates
Shining

I guess it's for the best
That's what I told myself
But now I have no rest
I just think of how we felt

It's a ****** shame
And it's a messy scheme
But we're done for now
Or at least that's how it seems

City bus
My ******* pulling
from the rumble and rattle
on top of the potholed pavement

Sideways moving
like a roll of film
Panorama life
yet only a picture
since it doesn't feel real

Detached
devoid
But the rattle pulls me back
I'm intact
I'm alive
The bus makes a crack

Am I an audience member in my own life?
Or is this dysphoria impermanent?

Oh ****,
Falling.

and it's the exhilarating kind of
fall where you are heading
down face first
into a field of fresh berries and cotton
soft and sweet but luscious

And I told myself I would not attach.
Not after him.
Not after that.
But I feel like this is fresh
and has potential for life
and not closed door romance

why do you think
I'm only in it for ***?

It is not the ***
whatsoever

I just want you to sleep beside me
when the nights are cold
and I'm feeling lonely
and way too old
for my age

I miss everything about you
but I don't miss the fights
and the hostility
and not being able to do
whatever

I guess there's no compromise with love

Do you still think of me
when you see a dress
like I think of you when I see sus
penders at the thrift store?

And although I don't possess your love
do you feel it fleeting, slipping, in a quick
second when you remember my
milk white skin?

I don't know if love is constant,
a coefficient, with a short half life
fuelled by intimacy and clever conversation

But I know mine wavers
like something flapping in the wind
and I don't know what
but it's so powerful that it robs me of my
breath when I am reminded of
You

Sometimes it stays.
These moments are consumed by you.

I'm not "princess" anymore
Never have been
Never was
I'm not above you
I don't pretend to
be

Cracked lips
From uncalculated screams
Smothered in my blanket
Suffocated
And your hand at my throat
Hasn't left for 7 years

Love you Daddy

I decided not to do my homework.
A conscious decision.
The things in my stomach
That make me feel like I did
At 9
Years old
Came back tonight with a vengeance.

I suppose it's still me trapped in this body.
But I don't really think I'm here.
Lately I've just been crying
Without really feeling much
So I'm scared it's coming
Back
And to stay.

I recently found out I'm afraid of heights.
I never would've guessed.
But I never would've guessed I'd be
Crying over someone
Thousand of miles away
Either so I suppose everything
is being debunked

Soulless
Worthless
an empty Carcass

I'm sitting and I like sitting
My life is so pretty
I smile because I like to smile
I'm completely fine
I'm fine

Rippling tar
Black mass of hell
Engulfing what's left

What's left?

I want to come home
to a bottle of red wine
and you
with a jazz record
and a summer breeze.

Breathing is such an amazing thing

When I hear your heart beat, I'm amazed

I think that's funny

Please, let's make salads
and steaks
and walk down the cobblestone
I want to draw our life

I woke up this morning
with a forgotten last night

I approached the trumpets
with tears in my eyes

And he comforted me
and apologized

But I still don't remember
a thing about last night

you know, it kind of feels like I'd been swimming for a long time, choking on water and flailing for hours, exhausted, and then I finally reached safety, and now I'm just breathing. that's what it feels like.

I seriously don't know
and I don't want to

Do I want what I need?
Am I neglecting honesty?
Honestly?
I'm a little out of touch
with my mind
and with the clutch
of gravity.

Do you even want to talk to me?
Am I boring or
insanity?
Believe me
always
when I say
I'm not alright
I'm fine
This life's a game

I'm losing

All these games

I'll end up losing

I don't know my name
What's my name?

i'm not really sure
if i gauge attractiveness
on a real scale
but there's most definitely
a certain quality
that seeps into my
pores and in my marrow
and through my veins
that attracts me

cause his eyes are like
old books from the deepest
sections of the library
and his eyelashes
are like feather
dusters tickling
my heart in a delightful
fashion and his freckles are
reminiscent of drops
of stray ink dripping
from thunder clouds

it's an odd sensation
sensational
that's all i can use to
describe this
imploration of
my mind

we sat there
watching Rocky Horror
perplexed by sexuality
and it's gravitational
pull
and our need to
be touched

we both wanted each other
but were too scared by our own
thoughts and hadn't yet
grown accustomed to rejection

not that we'd be rejected

an age where we only can express
ourselves through a jumble of
metal and electricity

funny

A blend of threads
Complex
Yet dead
Intertwining
Mingling
A braid on her head

She's young
Yet old
In mind
She's bold
Young girl
I could've told
Her
"Don't lose
that fierce sense
of self."

But she's gone
Moved on
Dismissive
She's become
It's like
Her identity
Was sold.

No more
Will she know
Who she is
She's only told
Things that don't make sense in her head.

She's lost.

golly gee
the yellow moon
and the hairs on the back of your neck

I think I saw a miracle tonight
in your eyes

ski socks on
with model clay in my hands
and a sweet face that smells like cherry pie

do I rely
on make-believe books
or real life
parallels
or the corners
and nooks

of a life far away
not of mine
but in me

oh how silly and lovely these days

I feel like we're holding a secret
so tight
And its compacted body
has been sparked, alight

These butterflies are nothing
but shame
and regret
I think I'm done with this body
I've already left

Gone

I've been thinking about you all night.
I still refuse to believe that it's been 5 hours since
so, I'll meet you in the practice room
and pray that no one notices

I'll see you in 5 and a half hours
I'm aching
My lungs won't fill all the way
I'm shaking

I want to dream about you tonight
finally
So goodnight, sleep tight

Hey, you
Yeah, you
Guy in the red shirt

I don't know what's up with you
But I know I was a little fed up with you
As soon as you asked for my name

Flailing your arms,
For a grab
For a touch
I'm not that drunk
Didn't drink that much

Find another way
To meet girls
To score gals
Cause you're definitely
Getting nothing
Today

the field lies aplenty
through my fingers
crossing gingerly
luscious, bluffing, green
not afraid
and non forgiving

how I wish I was a field
how I wish I didn't envy
all the plants and trees and grasses
laying silent in the country

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm so close to breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm one step from breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't lash out
I don't anger
very easily like most
but this pent up
rough aggression
keeps me banging on the post

of life, of love, of happy
never knew any of those
so I'm constantly, fevently
knocking
feeling shut but full of prose

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm so close to breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm one step from breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

he smelt of smoke
so that smelt like home
guitar strings and acrylic paint
always sleeping, bored, and lounging
anything could really wait

now I'm older
but no different
and still haunted by the past
of the time taken from me
of the things that never last

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm one step from breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't want you to understand
But I'll stand on this land
never sacrificing self
never sacrificing hands
the hands of him
the hands of him
the hands that tried to hold me back
can be broken with me leaving
they will never touch this skin
again

help
I've fallen and I can't get up

I put blind trust in you
the fibres of your shirt
the slight smirk
on your clever face

help
I'm shaking and I can't see straight

But these things are normalities
they happen too often
no caution
and I'll just be another fatality

help
I'm in love and I can't get out

I'm shrinking into a pit
of a peach like heart
torn apart
by the hungry lips of my suitor

Bus
Grey seats
Black hair peeking out
Dandruff covered
Like snow on a black cat.

Window seat
Thank god no one sat beside me
Condensation like sticky toddler hands
Gripping for the remote acceptance
From peers

HOT 105.5 blasting
I wonder why I don't know any of these songs.
Where have I been?
Is this their norm?
Was this my norm?

I've been thinking a lot
about you
lately
Trying to piece together
the fragmented image
of a shattered
view of you

I found a song
you played for me
many times in your car
And no matter how much I listen to it
I won't know where you are
If who you're becoming
is better for me
All I can hope is that the stars
direct us to each other then
Cause right now I feel so far
Away

a
self inflicted
self indulgent
kind of pain and pleasure moment

stuck between a whip and feather
one is close
but the other's better

one would ask
why do I bother
maybe it's cause
of an absent father

truth be told
i'm all the better
with these instructions
worn and weathered

pick up your head and soak up all the rain
lift up that chin and wash that pain away
all can be fixed with soap and water
even the pain of loveless daughters
pick up your bags but throw your cares away

If an adjective could describe me
it'd have to be hungry
for obvious reasons
cause I ******* love my food
but for poetic reasons
cause I often elude

I have hungry ears
and a hungry soul
and I'm so **** hungry
you don't even know
but you do
cause you can see it in my eyes
My hunger is that fleck of white,
that element of surprise

I have a hungry mouth
and a hungry mind
and I'm so **** hungry
and I'm so **** blind
cause I want and I need
and I grasp and I touch
I'm hungry for life
and I crave oh so much

Hungry
is my middle name
Hungry
has always been the game
I play
with minds
like meanings of names
dynamic and static

Hungry
Feed me

I don't want to hurt you
Like I have with other guys
They all say the same thing in the end
That I "changed" them.

I honestly don't get it.

They say they've changed.
They haven't.

I say I don't want to hurt you, I probably will.
And for that, I'm so sorry.
I don't want to be your first heartbreak.

The limbs of the trees
snap
break
die
covered in ice,
when water
is really everything to them.

I wonder if that's what love is.
Knowing that
the very thing that let's you live
can **** you.

It can turn to ice so quickly.

I don't love you
and I never have

I love the idea of you
and how you look
and your taste in music
and everything

but I don't love you
and I'm sorry

Because I tried!
You have to know I did!
But I'm so sick of pretending