I've been thinking about you all night.
I still refuse to believe that it's been 5 hours since
so, I'll meet you in the practice room
and pray that no one notices

I'll see you in 5 and a half hours
I'm aching
My lungs won't fill all the way
I'm shaking

I want to dream about you tonight
finally
So goodnight, sleep tight

Bus
Grey seats
Black hair peeking out
Dandruff covered
Like snow on a black cat.

Window seat
Thank god no one sat beside me
Condensation like sticky toddler hands
Gripping for the remote acceptance
From peers

HOT 105.5 blasting
I wonder why I don't know any of these songs.
Where have I been?
Is this their norm?
Was this my norm?

In France everyday must be something
Going somewhere
******* someone

I'm not used to this
I'm introspective
Observing and waiting

Maybe Patrick was right
I don't make impact
But maybe that's what I want right now

a
self inflicted
self indulgent
kind of pain and pleasure moment

stuck between a whip and feather
one is close
but the other's better

one would ask
why do I bother
maybe it's cause
of an absent father

truth be told
i'm all the better
with these instructions
worn and weathered

pick up your head and soak up all the rain
lift up that chin and wash that pain away
all can be fixed with soap and water
even the pain of loveless daughters
pick up your bags but throw your cares away

why do you think
I'm only in it for ***?

It is not the ***
whatsoever

I just want you to sleep beside me
when the nights are cold
and I'm feeling lonely
and way too old
for my age

I miss everything about you
but I don't miss the fights
and the hostility
and not being able to do
whatever

I guess there's no compromise with love

You're like a drop of summer rain
on a cold winter's day
so strange
and so
warm

You make feel me so hypnotized
or maybe then I'm just blind
my ignorance
runs
so deep

Oh, you know
I'll be running back
Like a train
On a track
I can't leave my home

You're blanket soft
And I'm so lost
I can't believe all those thoughts
ran over me

But you, you make me sweet

The sun touches a field of wheat
But nothing could be as sweet
as your grand embrace

I know we all think these thoughts
of death and misery
we lost
sight of our grace

Oh, you know
I'll be running back
Like a train
On a track
I can't leave my home

You're blanket soft
And I'm so lost
I can't believe all those thoughts
ran over me

But you, you make me sweet

You worry too much
my dear
but you have nothing
to fear
I'll be here when you need

No more stumbling through life
No more bickering
No strife
I'm where I want to be

Oh, you know
I'll be running back
Like a train
On a track
I can't leave my home

You're blanket soft
And I'm so lost
I can't believe all those thoughts
ran over me

But you, you make me sweet

As a child
We see ourselves
As important
As the centre of our worlds
Pursued by burglars
and murderers
Always in the centre
Of an exciting story
Making cities in dirt piles
And castles in trees
Running from house
to house
Like they're kingdoms
And we're kings

And not so different are our adult ways
We control our own destinies
And we alarm our homes and equip them
Because "it could happen to you"
Making buildings from dirt piles
And building cabins from trees
Driving from city
to city
Like they're different worlds
And we're different people

Do you still think of me
when you see a dress
like I think of you when I see sus
penders at the thrift store?

And although I don't possess your love
do you feel it fleeting, slipping, in a quick
second when you remember my
milk white skin?

I don't know if love is constant,
a coefficient, with a short half life
fuelled by intimacy and clever conversation

But I know mine wavers
like something flapping in the wind
and I don't know what
but it's so powerful that it robs me of my
breath when I am reminded of
You

Sometimes it stays.
These moments are consumed by you.

What if
It happened

What if
I have to tell the world
With an unspoken shame
A teenage catastrophe

What if
It happened

I'm not even 16
I'm not ready
Let's just stop

What if
It happened

I don't think I can take a life
Decide something so big

What if
It happened

And it's all gone in a blink
And I'd just stare at that paper
With unbelieving eyes
And an unsteady hand
Just breathing out the truth
Gasping for air
And for something real and tangible

And not a positive pregnancy test

They say that 90% of people
waiting on ***** donor lists
are waiting for kidneys.
People die
everyday
waiting for
People to die.

In a world where we don't
have organs for everyone
who wants
and needs them,
I ask,

"Do they need to harvest these organs right after death?"
"Yes."

How can I accomplishment that?
what loopholes do I jump?
Quick, painless, in plain sight,
without scarring those around.

I think of my previous options,
a rope, some pills, a gun.
All of these have faults now.

Until I can figure
a way
a how
to give my body
to someone else
to give my body
to someone how might actually
appreciate
life.

I need to wait, I suppose.
Finding life in looking for loopholes.

When daddy was a dealer
And mommy was a dreamer
And life was always high
You couldn't catch us
Like a fever

But now I can see her-
Tears in her eyes
Momma took time off
Because she wanted to die

And the divorce came fast
But the pain came slow
When you're an adult in the body
Of a little snotty nosed

****
and
Smoke
I can see the scent
Of my ****** up childhood.
I guess you could call it descent.

Not growing up
But growing down
Into the sewers
Of my town

This dirtiness can never be washed

I long to smell someone's skin.
To brush my feet against their's
To nuzzle in their hair
And to love them whole-heartedly.

I long to caress someone's neck.
To absorb them through my pores
To have them barely quench my thirst
And to love them whole-heartedly.

But I crave what I know
I don't have
and so
I'll just long until someone
loves me whole-heartedly.

Filter
on the coffee maker
on your eyes
shielding our tired brains
from things it doesn't understand

We're all so tired
and ******
and altered
So do we even live?
Or are we sliding
anti-parallel
to reality?

I'm fascinated by the slightest
And hardened by the vast
Shadows cast perception
over matter-
a mask.

help
I've fallen and I can't get up

I put blind trust in you
the fibres of your shirt
the slight smirk
on your clever face

help
I'm shaking and I can't see straight

But these things are normalities
they happen too often
no caution
and I'll just be another fatality

help
I'm in love and I can't get out

I'm shrinking into a pit
of a peach like heart
torn apart
by the hungry lips of my suitor

I get near crying
quite a lot
I guess
and
even when I'm feeling great
I think things would be
better if I were to be
hit by a car
right then

I always thought these things
were always in people's minds-
always seconds from a suicide,
leaving everyone behind
but I'm seeing now that
it's just me and my mind
that are are constantly searching
for an escape against time

I'm kind of avoiding facing that,
because impermanence is
such a big part of my life
and I've learned through the years
we don't change, we just become refined
so I'm fighting with myself and my
******* hungry soul
to stay or to go
but I just don't know

whatever though,
my internal dialogue
is simply
dialogue
until it materializes

I ******* hate how even after this I still feel scared to live.
I wanted so badly to die.
And now I'm still scared to live.

I hate myself for not asking you
to city cinema.
I still have the two tickets
sitting solemnly,
knowing very well that they'll
never find their rightful owner.

Make up your ******* mind.
I wanted so badly to talk to you
One last time.

Staring patiently at your icon
with a green circle.
Because you're there,
but I was just too *******
scared.

And now I'm scared to love anyone else.
Because I know how impermanent it all is.

I wanted so badly to die,
and now the one thing I wish is that
we didn't have so much in common

He cannot believe
that I have my own opinion
my own lense
my own life

He is a pushing, smothering
ideal
He is wanting to steal
the only thing I have

But I am not 16 anymore
I am a week from 19
I am strong, I am loved

I've seen my faults, I have forgiven my faults. But I will never be able to forget what he's done. Never.

All this time, he thought there was a chance.
That my kindness stretched over fire and hell.
But I'm not stupid, I'm not ignorant to hurt.
I know how that would feel.

Slide your hand
down my back
your fingertips
are bound to crack
the code my skin
presents to you
I feel as though I fall for you.

snap

And it's all gone
My mind is taking
Over now
This horrible place
Holds me still
Captive in here
Beyond my will

but your love remains strong
and you don't let go
and I grab the rope
you've throw down this well
and it's a hard climb up
but it's worth the work

You'll never know how much you're worth

In the darkest rain.
In the bitterest cold.
Let's go see a band,
let's listen till we're old.

We'll walk hand in hand.
Lead by streetlights.
We'll sample the stage,
and the city's finest delights.

Drawn in by the music,
Held by our curiosity.
I like this new feeling,
And it's strange familiarity.

I can't sleep
I miss you
Although it's better this way

I wish I cherished when things were on fire
Things were white lights
And tin foil plates
Shining

I guess it's for the best
That's what I told myself
But now I have no rest
I just think of how we felt

It's a ****** shame
And it's a messy scheme
But we're done for now
Or at least that's how it seems

My therapist says I'm a Walking Challenge;
Is that what you saw in me?
A broken soul that you could mend
But in the end
I challenged

Tonight
I'm going to give you some advice
I should have gave you
long ago
down the road
maybe you'll thank me
For my complete
and utter
honesty

I'm not happy that we're done
I'm just glad to be a ****-up
And the battle wasn't won
all the soldiers just went home

Only you can tell me otherwise
Only you could tell me blatant lies
Only I could take your supervised
view of the world
And see it through different eyes

I am frightened now
at what you said
But it all makes sense inside my head
That you search for broken
bent
and dead
To revive what you think you can.

But some things are just better off numb
and don't think that you are the only one
to save
to be the "man"
to fill the holes
of souls that never were empty.

You're trying to fix things that were never broken
Always searching for the upper hand,
when I only stood equal.
And now when you say she's
"possibly even more ****** up"
than I was;
I understand.

what do I expect?
to be loved?

because lately it's been
just a pile of *******
but who can i blame?

because i'm really not lovely
and i wish to be truly lovely

i guess he would've tried
to make some sort of contact
if he really did think i was
something special

and i hate feeling needy
and i don't want to need a thing

but that's precisely
who i am;
someone who's deafeningly
indecisive
and who can't muster up the courage to do a **** thing that'd do her any good

Oh sly sweet sugar of a man
you make me feel at ease.

I find it in you,
comfort,
with a cross on your neck.
I never thought
you'd be in the church
because you're delectably *****
and taste of pure sin

You're so nice
and quaint
but bubbling
beneath
is a beast of a man
a rough brute of a boy

Oh sly sweet sugar of a man
you make me feel at ease

What does he know about hearts?
He's a smart boy,
a genius perhaps.
Stanford taught
and although that seems impressive
it only scratches the surface of his résumé.

What do I know about art?
I can paint meaning onto anything
that could be better described as feeling
or intuition.

And although he knows all the parts
of the heart
and how to properly knot vessels,
does he know the thrum and the ache of it all
willing it to stop beating?

But yes, yes he does
He knows a lot about hearts.
And me?
Not so much of art as I should.
But one thing I do have in common with that boy,
I learned everything that I could.

Sleep
Clasp my shoulders like the cling of hungry moss.
Take my eyes and cover them with your
sweet
silent
dark.
Burry my restless legs in
cool
wet
sand.
Take my faint body into your faithful hands.

I want to come home
to a bottle of red wine
and you
with a jazz record
and a summer breeze.

Breathing is such an amazing thing

When I hear your heart beat, I'm amazed

I think that's funny

Please, let's make salads
and steaks
and walk down the cobblestone
I want to draw our life

I can smell you in my hair-
Take me home
But not here,
That's not home.
Home is my temple resting on your collarbone.

Home is your eyes
in the light of your car
and the moonlight
sweetly singing
and a static in the air.

I could listen to you talk for hours on end.

I'm not sure what I created
from this man
like a god

A monster I suppose
and a painful facade

I don't understand what I did
to make things this way
But I know I want them back
To how they were
replay

Back to October
Where love was so fresh
and so glimmering
and everything he did
was astounding

I didn't need anything else
but him

now the nights are so cold
when outside things are hot
and I keep telling myself
things are how they are not
and I've ******* myself over
for perfection
rejection of love

Who knows what's for best?
I can't talk to you
I feel as though I'd be weak in doing so
Maybe we just need a rest

Oh ****,
Falling.

and it's the exhilarating kind of
fall where you are heading
down face first
into a field of fresh berries and cotton
soft and sweet but luscious

And I told myself I would not attach.
Not after him.
Not after that.
But I feel like this is fresh
and has potential for life
and not closed door romance

Star filled rooftop boy
You hurt me good
And the bruises on my knees
Are purely pleasure
And nothing like the welts from my childhood

This is short lived
I know it is
No need for plans
Or conversation
About how this'll end
Or how we'll part

You're easily amused
But I think I struck a chord
You'll remember me, right?

discomfort births interest
and I hate that
because I like feeling comfortable
but I need that interest

why can't I just find someone who doesn't hate me?
someone who doesn't want to rip out my arteries
and watch me bleed out
staining the carpet
fuelling the "inspiration" he needed
or becoming the answer to his questions.

I'm tired of watching myself be torn apart by someone who feeds off of my pain

Do I want what I need?
Am I neglecting honesty?
Honestly?
I'm a little out of touch
with my mind
and with the clutch
of gravity.

Do you even want to talk to me?
Am I boring or
insanity?
Believe me
always
when I say
I'm not alright
I'm fine
This life's a game

I'm losing

All these games

I'll end up losing

I don't know my name
What's my name?

Call me
a name
more beautiful
than I.

It hurts
to think
you might already be
drifted.

People escape
just as
fish swim-

I'm not alright with this.

I decided not to do my homework.
A conscious decision.
The things in my stomach
That make me feel like I did
At 9
Years old
Came back tonight with a vengeance.

I suppose it's still me trapped in this body.
But I don't really think I'm here.
Lately I've just been crying
Without really feeling much
So I'm scared it's coming
Back
And to stay.

I recently found out I'm afraid of heights.
I never would've guessed.
But I never would've guessed I'd be
Crying over someone
Thousand of miles away
Either so I suppose everything
is being debunked

I woke up this morning
with a forgotten last night

I approached the trumpets
with tears in my eyes

And he comforted me
and apologized

But I still don't remember
a thing about last night

you know, it kind of feels like I'd been swimming for a long time, choking on water and flailing for hours, exhausted, and then I finally reached safety, and now I'm just breathing. that's what it feels like.

I seriously don't know
and I don't want to

I need to write more.
I need to write more since it's not coming out any other way.

I tried to speak to you.
I tried again last night.

The words would not come out,
I know it's cliche. I know it.

I've been neglecting my thoughts,
squishing them hard with my palms,
into a paste.
I've been trying to feed it to you,
but your mouth is shut and your head is turned.

It's ok, because I know there's nothing to love.
I'm not myself anymore.
I'm just hurting, that's all.

I understand that you don't want to live with me.
That's ok, because I know, I've tried escaping me too.
But I'm glued at the seams, and as much as I pull,
there's no breaking through.

Yes, you can walk away.
Yes, I'd like that in a way.

Since you're not pulling it out.
You're not eradicating my pain.

I must seem so silly to you.
So simple, too.

I don't blame you.
I don't blame you.

But I cannot erase the thoughts of girls saying exactly what you want them to say. I cannot erase the thought of you in bed with your best friend. I think you'd be a lot happier without my ****** up head. You'd be a whole lot happier without my ****** up head.

I'm not "princess" anymore
Never have been
Never was
I'm not above you
I don't pretend to
be

Cracked lips
From uncalculated screams
Smothered in my blanket
Suffocated
And your hand at my throat
Hasn't left for 7 years

Love you Daddy

I'd smoke tobacco if it was from your hands
I think I'd do anything if it came from your hands
I've always felt this way for as long as I've known you
I can't articulate it

I'm not being creepy
but I have always watched you
not in the creepy way
but I just wanted to
know who you are
but you were always so far
away
I wanted to feel
whatever you felt
even in a small way

I have waited for a long time
and so I am nervous,
as you may find!
So when you walk me down the street
and talk to me about nothing very neat
I'm still blooming on the inside!
I'm absolutely shattered in the gentlest way.

I want to see you another day.
Maybe when I'm not so nervous.

I can convince myself of many things
Like how my hair looks better with a little blonde than it does with none.
I can convince myself that no one loves me.
And sometimes it works.
And the mind is a devastatingly beautiful thing.
But mine never seems to do things right.
Like remembering things.
Or studying.
But my mind can sure do a lot of damage.
To a point where I'm sick with my own fears.
Turning like a sifter
Letting the good pass on
And leaving the lumps of bad.

Nobody cares
Shut up...

But I care!
I do and I told him I didn't and I told me I was done with it but his eyes look at me and I can't help but smile and giggle but I don't
Know if he actually wants me like I want him right now and it hurts in my chest like he's sitting on me saying "But I'm a man. I'm a man."

You can be a man and still not hurt me? You can be a man and not waste your chance with me.

And I feel this longing deep in my chest behind my ribs and I feel like the water is at my lips but I can't taste it. I just can't taste it. And so I'm looking frantically for the water and it's with you and you have it but you won't give it to me, you *******. "Oh, later." but ******* I want it now.

I don't want to hurt you
Like I have with other guys
They all say the same thing in the end
That I "changed" them.

I honestly don't get it.

They say they've changed.
They haven't.

I say I don't want to hurt you, I probably will.
And for that, I'm so sorry.
I don't want to be your first heartbreak.

Flesh wound
Bumpy terrain
On my arm
Like holes in lace

Oh it stings so good
and it looks so bad
Rotting skin
White and red clash

I look inside
Past my snow, so white
Kind of cover I had
That never fit quite right

These gaping holes
Excite me so
I hope these gaping holes
Will never be sewn

the field lies aplenty
through my fingers
crossing gingerly
luscious, bluffing, green
not afraid
and non forgiving

how I wish I was a field
how I wish I didn't envy
all the plants and trees and grasses
laying silent in the country

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm so close to breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm one step from breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't lash out
I don't anger
very easily like most
but this pent up
rough aggression
keeps me banging on the post

of life, of love, of happy
never knew any of those
so I'm constantly, fevently
knocking
feeling shut but full of prose

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm so close to breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm one step from breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

he smelt of smoke
so that smelt like home
guitar strings and acrylic paint
always sleeping, bored, and lounging
anything could really wait

now I'm older
but no different
and still haunted by the past
of the time taken from me
of the things that never last

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm one step from breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't want you to understand
But I'll stand on this land
never sacrificing self
never sacrificing hands
the hands of him
the hands of him
the hands that tried to hold me back
can be broken with me leaving
they will never touch this skin
again

The wholeness seems almost attainable.

I carry around a glue stick
and a hammer
everywhere
I want to keep it together

I gave a girl my socks the other day

I take some of the things I've done
and collage them
try to piece them into
a cohesive me
but I can't figure
the correlation
there always
needs to be
a thread
a tie
between each experience
and the whole of
me

I still cry when I talk about you
Although I'm no longer 12
And I only think of you
once a week
At the most

You've ruined me
for every relationship
I'll ever have
And my love will never be
easy
or
beautiful
like a silk ribbon on the wind
but more comparable
to a kite in a hurricane

I'll only love
musicians
but it'll never be
practical enough
to last
and I'll live my life
searching-
for some
fragment of a dream
that you never set an example for

thanks dad

I want to reach out
the pads of my fingertips
to the silken bags
under your tired
"battered blanket"
eyes

Because your eyes tell the same story as mine

And to compare and contrast
is simply the best medium
of recovery
in my humble opinion

Because we're so young and painfully present

And I feel as though our hearts
have been pulling
with a magnetic charge
and a gravitational pull

Because our empathy is astounding

i feel
like a subplot
in a forgotten movie
most of the time

because my decisions usually aren't mine
and my thoughts get plucked like spring's petals
too early to be appreciated
and not still enough to be captured