I was 14 and at a Methodist summer camp.
They told us we could spend the last night outside.
Clear sky, under the stars  I was happy.
Then he put his hands on my head.
And his hands down my pants.
It felt wrong, I was no longer happy.
I wanted to escape, but I couldn’t move.
The next day I went home.
I was called names.
I lost my friends and “silly” rumors spread.
I put myself in that situation. It was my fault.
It took me 10 years to realize,
It was wrong,
I couldn’t get out,
It wasn’t my fault.

It's been over six months now
Since I felt your body, breathed you in, had you as my man
But here I am
Still craving your touch, the sound of your voice, the smell of your skin
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I let this go?
What is he thinking right now?
Thoughts like these overwhelm me everyday
I want to be your girl again
The girl that makes you laugh
The girl that you have to wiggle toes with to sleep
Most importantly the girl that makes you happy
Will this ever happen??
I know the answer, but I continue to dream
Everyday and every night you still cross my mind
There was a time
I thought, "Hey girl you are doing fine!"
I wasn't happy, but I was content, even optimistic
But then I get one text
I miss you it says
My heart sinks to my gut and just like that I feel everything again
He tells me that he is still in love, that I stole his heart!
Its happening! it's all coming together!
Ah! A miracle! I'm dancing around again
Then.
Just like that the texts stop and the distance begins.
I don't know what I want he says.
And there I am again. Back to where it all began.
All I can think is will these feelings ever end?

I want to see you, I say
  But then I have to question
I miss you too, I say
  Once again called into question
I want to hold your hand, I think
  But I'm just lonely, I know.

There is a man.
He is talkative, but sometimes quiet
He knows when his voice is needed
When I am feeling sad he makes me laugh
Or he gives me space until I feel better
He will surprise me
with flowers or with his whit
He is intelligent but he knows he isn't the smartest
He is always shocking me
with how wonderful he can be
And he is also proud of me
This man exists doesn't he?

It is an endless cycle I go through
Meet a new man, then kiss him and **** him
Next thing I know I'm saying I love him
I can't tell if it even true or if I am just another addict
Addicted to love, the lamest drug
So I take what I can from every man
Convince him he is the one
But really I'm just having fun
The problem with my addiction being
I'm not hurting myself, but instead everyone else

You look into my eyes like they hold all your answers
You look into my soul like it's filled with kindness and hope
But my eyes are turning dark and my soul is on it's way there
Your answers don't reside in me and you won't find the love you deserve.

I try.
I try to remind myself
when I had you I didn't want you
I try to remember
the nights when you held me
were some of my loneliest nights
I try to think about all the fights
the wasted time
But here I am
still trying to be yours

I can admire your music.
Do you admire my mind?
We are both a little miserable.
Can that be beautiful?
Or is it a recipe for disaster?
You haven't kissed me yet
And the anticipation is killing me.
Maybe we are just meant to be friends.
But I'd do anything to hold your hand.
You'd probably hate me if you read this.
Me and my sappy thoughts.
What if I told you about my ***** thoughts?
Would you still admire my sick perverted mind??
I think you're driving me crazy.
Or maybe this is love.
My mind may never know.

You can't look at me directly
Without giving me a wide smile
Icy blue eyes with just a hint of betrayal
You've been hurt, but you know I can do worse
I know you love me, maybe I love you too
But my eyes don't say it all
You can't see my soul or feel my heart
I have not been betrayed or hurt
For I am the master of betrayal
And that is why I look away.

It's not even nine and you are already on my nerves,
yet here I go writing and sending you love poems
Something has to be wrong with me, I just know it
craving attention from you one second, hating you the other
Trying to make this into something, we both know it isn't
I have a craving for love, a need for it, but this is not it.

I can't trust my mind
I love him, she says
I need to be alone, she thinks
But what do I really know

My stomach tightens and my throat opens up
I feel as if I'm going to be sick
I am sick, but it's all in my head
I have a good life
I have been presented with great opportunities
Yet here I am, stressing over every little thing
I have no clue what I want to do
Sometimes I question who I am
I feel myself breaking
I am constantly on the verge of a terrible panic attack

I feel this need to be picked up
to be squeezed and told everything is fine
What is missing from me, that I feel this way?
Shouldn't I be okay standing on my own?
Not waiting for someone to rescue me from being alone.

Tie my hands behind my head
Grip my neck, strangle me
Have your way, make me beg
I'm your toy it's all a game
We're having fun right?

I'm in your arms again
What am I doing?
I need to be alone again
Why is it so hard?
I enjoy being by myself
Running just to get away
Long walks as a little escape
But here I am
I'm in your arms again
And I feel more alone than ever

A year ago, I had you
You were slipping away
but I still had you
Now, it has been 10 months
since you were mine
Why do you still occupy my mind?
I need it to stop
I want to be released
I just don't know how

Thank you..
for getting me out of bed.
for feeding me more.
for silencing the voice,
the cruel one in my head.
Thank you Lexapro
for keeping me here.

Struggle to wake up.
Feed the cat.
Get to work late.
Push paper around.
Meeting time.
Daydream.
Watch the clock.
Lunch time.
Get back late.
Check the news.
Get depressed.
Check bank account.
Get depressed.
Watch the clock.
Answer the phone.
Push paper around.
Watch the clock.
Leave early.