You tore a coffee addiction straight from the marrow of my bones;
You did it with those dark-roast, morning-sunrise eyes.
You did it with a glance.

It took weeks of constant coffee consumption for the addiction to settle and cravings to begin bringing me back each day,
but with you (your eyes that scream contemplation, ambition, enthusiasm, strong coffee)
I am hooked after one sip.

Without a doubt I know, in the marrow of my bones, that I will awake to a caffeine headache when I awake without your eyes near mine.
The strong black coffee that used to hold constant occupancy in my veins through a charming addiction will no longer do the trick.

You (your eyes that scream contemplation, ambition, enthusiasm, strong coffee),
With a glance,
You've got me addicted (forever).
I'm going to keep coming back.

You've got me writing our story before our first hello.
With you I've fallen in love with things I don't yet know.


How did you mange to catch me so quickly?

I’ve never been good at choosing favorites.
I couldn’t tell you my favorite book (I love them all)
I couldn’t tell you my favorite color (so many have caught my eye)
My favorite film eludes me (I’ve watched many)
And my favorite song is simply a melody of them all (playing on constant repeat in my head)

My favorites are lost somewhere among the endless list of the things that I love (you, you, you)
They’re resting on the tip of my tongue (struggling to make themselves known)
I suppress them.
I cannot choose favorites.
I cannot commit.

I can tell you what I love (I love you)
I can tell you what I adore (I adore you)
I can tell you what I need (I need you)
But, my dear, I am sorry, because I never could choose favorites,
And I cannot choose you.

I ensnared myself in the inescapable business of not caring when the undying desperation of my heart reached a heaviness of fate that my weary wanderings were unable to withstand.
Without second thought, I locked the doors and buried the rusty key deep inside of the abyss that lived inside of me, where even my own search is incapable of yielding discovery.
Icy, stone walls now diligently keep under wraps my intolerable feelings of inadequacy and guard my outside excursions from the influence of any sense of care that may cause the perfectly manufactured wall of secrecy to crumble.
I could knock or wiggle the doorknob, but all honesty reminds me that anything left that may answer inquiry would be an emotion to beyond undesirability to warrant acknowledgement.
It is possible that I made the correct decision and maybe the fate of not feeling was truly the safest option left to me,
but even with all longings of my  heart oh so securely guarded,
I can feel the heaviness of a desperate ache holding me to the ground.
It may be under lock and key, but it is there,
weighing me to this fate, ensnaring me in hopelessness, and keeping me from being truly free.
I am weary from carrying all of this dead weight inside of me.

I'm oh so nostalgic
For those moments with you
That we have not yet shared.

I''m replaying memories
of journeys with you
that we have not yet begun.

Somehow,
there was no longer enough room for the emptiness inside me.
Pure desperation to escape the void pushed me through the only door I knew to lead me outside.
I walked, I stumbled, through clusters of stray leaves that crunched beneath my bare feet.
I inhaled the brisk fall air that numbed my toes though what I wished it'd do was numb my memories.
and then I ran; passion for escape swelling up like the thunderclouds above me
until the rain breaks through and begins falling upon my face.
The rain drops feel like truth washing the lies away.
The water floods me like the realization that  maybe I'm not running away.
Maybe I'm not looking for to escape the emptiness.
Maybe I'm searching for cover; maybe, I'm simply searching to fill it with you.

For years I've been told that to love is to fall,

to fall, to be stripped of control.

But, what I have found on the journey of loving you is that love,

It feels an awful lot more like landing...

Arriving home at last; after a
                                                 Long
                                                            ­             Hard
                                                            ­                                 Fall.

Loving you is the safety net that caught me.
*To love is to land.

"Thinner"
The ever-present goal
The cause of raging jealousy
The trigger of self-harm
"Thinner"

"Thinner,"* it's all they hear

Ad after ad, person after person. "Thinner."

Whispers followed by whispers all on top of whispers become
Screaming
"Thinner."

"One pound," they tell you, "it's equivalent to acceptance," and
"the smaller the weight," you see, "the stronger the beauty."

"Look like her and maybe you'll be satisfied."
"Loose the weight, then you'll be free."

                                                                But
                                                      OH, MY DEAR
                                                      Let me tell you...
                                                     It's never enough.

I hear those lies that have been disguised as encouragement and the blasphemy pretending to be wise.
But please, listen; none of it's true.
This worlds' evil, it has you hypnotized.
You're beautiful. Stunning. * You.
Don't listen* to the voices shouting,
*"Thinner"

It's pressing into my chest with a weight that is stronger than my own and my thoughts are running in circles, shouting in a language I don't even know

Something is ripping at my chest
       Picking it to pieces
Forcing my spirit into a state of brokenness

I don't know what it is but it hurts with the intensity of a raging fire and it's consuming my bones
My thoughts

My plans

My feelings

Flames licking up every sense of security or understanding
I feel lost with no sense of direction and zero understanding of this place in which I am trapped.
I'm longing for something,

someone

To understand
To know me and to be known by me
But there is no name
No face
Nothing to link me to this person, this person who I am already very much in love with

And I'm realizing that all of this confusion and ache
Is plaguing me simply because I haven't met you yet
I haven't met the one who fits perfectly with who I am
                           I haven't met you
                     I don't know your name
                          Or your face but

My whole being is continuously calling for you
And
Wanting you
So
I guess the point of all this rambling is just to convey that I miss you desperately, even though I don't know your name

And I want to promise you that I'm going to wait for you
And not settle for less than all I know that you will be,
I will not settle for less than the beauty of being with the one He has designed for me.

So no matter how hard it gets to resist the temptation, I'm promising you this now. I promise you that            I'm waiting.
And I'm hoping, that somewhere out there, you are promising this very same thing to me.

Truly and honestly,
There is not a thing more lovely
Than the way His songs of romancing love
And the sweet aroma of His presence from above
Gently put to rest all the lies she's believed
And the insecurity that she has become.

I wonder* if he wonders about all the little things that make up me.
I wonder if he wonders about the sound of my voice when I sing, the look on my face when I sleep, and the twinkle that will spark in my eyes when he looks upon me.

I wonder if he wonders about the type of woman I will be.
I wonder if he wonders about the things that I value, the ones who are of importance in my eyes, and the ways that I love in a way entirely unique to me.  

I wonder if he wonders about the looks that hold the soul that is me.
I wonder if he wonders about the curve of my lips, the shape of my hands, the color of my iris, and the clothes I wear to dress the body to hold the soul that is me.

I wonder if he loves me,
Now, even before the concept of “us” has come to be.
I wonder if he wonders if I love him.
And I want him to know that I do.
And that I am waiting for him, the one who is waiting for me, and hoping for him, while hoping that he too hopes for me.

and then,
in a single second
all of this euphoric nonsense collapses gracefully into the twinkling light that ever so gently reveals the depth of the reality and the order in the complexity of all the wonders You have done,
for me.
and I am in love. More so than ever before.

“You’re perfect.”
“You’re worthless.”
                                  *“You’re able.”
  “You will fail.”                                                          ­                                  “You’re empowered.”
                                                    ­      “You’re weak.”
    “Be you.”                                
                          ­                                                “Let us fix you.”      
          
This is just the start to the plethora of lies that constantly contradict themselves through lustful eyes that objectify and ads that give the “flawless formula” that may just grant you one glance from that wayfaring guy.
One second it’s edification and the next it’s an abundance of filthily crippling lies; most have ceased to even recognize the truth among these fables. I’ve noticed that the paradox of perfection that we are feeding this generation has poisoned them.
They’ve lost their direction because the messages endlessly alter and they are now left with the enchantingly eerie tune of rejection. The consistency they long for is constantly being drowned in the depth of the repudiation brought on by this culture and its lies.
It’s reached the ****** at which they no longer know what it is they should despise.
So they despise themselves.
Heartbreakingly unaware that they are loved,
Wanted,
And free.