As fall and winter meet
The trees give up their leaves
And as they stand, now bare and bleak
They don't feel empty

What is the point of life
if not this?
Perhaps there is a reason
to exist
As I breathe with the earth
and sway with the trees
Thoughts materialize before me
Appear, only to disappear
I realize everything comes
only to eventually pass
And to think I lived in fear
that my happiness wouldn't last
Now that I'm here with you
I don't need it to
I don't need it to.

When will the day break and the sun shine
into my heart, and I'll realize
I deserve to love
you, and miss you, and touch you, and kiss you
in a world where you felt what I felt
perhaps such a world will never exist
perhaps I simply don't deserve it
how could I even allow myself to be vulnerable
in a way that is beautiful and not repulsive
No.
I can't even look at you
because I know you will eventually see
all the flaws that I do
the scars on my heart
the sadness in my eyes
the wretchedness of my face
you cannot think I'm beautiful
there just isn't a conceivable way
I could be perceived
in the same context
as beauty

I want to cradle your soul
in my humble hands
and feel the weight of your heart
crushing mine
I want all you can give
and I will not settle for less

I changed my mind
I can love you
and I want to

A seedless fruit
Serves no greater purpose
But to serve itself
And yet, it itself does not exist
For what is a fruit
without its seed
and what is a fruit
without its tree
Existing simply to die
a fruitless death

I like when your eyes gaze into mine
And I watch you deconstruct my soul
To be pieced together in your mind

I like looking at your hands as they fidget
And imagine what they'd look like
Taking me apart, piece by piece

I like hearing you say my name
My being is given meaning
When it's conjured from your lips

For once in my life I feel at home
When I begin to write
Even if for only a moment,
I can finally see me so clearly
Perhaps my issue is letting go
Of all the trivial doubts and regrets
But when I begin to write
I see my true feelings appear
Instead of worrying about the silly things
I will soon forget

Nothing ever lasts
Thoughts are destined to be lost eventually
But these words from my soul get to stick around
for eternity

As I gaze up at the moon
all I can think about
is you

I will never understand
who or what I am
but when you're next to me
I gain some sense of
familiarity
I see your face in the moon
staring back
blankly

there is no reason
to be so afraid
hold my hand
and we'll be ok

I am just as scared
as you are.

how do I shake the feeling
that everyone wants something from me
every "how are you"
every compliment
every charming word said
is done with intention
to manipulate, deceive and
lure me into your bed

you must think I'm a fool
for what reason have you given me
to trust in you?

I don't understand how I've gone
From being unseen and invisible
To suddenly becoming beautiful
It's but a trick of the eye
A slip of the tongue
Mistake of the heart
That causes their gaze
to fall on me
It's just a misunderstanding, I say
For one day
They will realize
I am not the person
they think I am

I exist only to drift softly
in a world of my very own.
My mind is the only place
I call home

I envy people who can fall in love quickly
Swept off their feet and into the clouds
Floating gracefully as they dream about
A love that will or won’t be

I see your eyes glow when you're around me
how your mind begins to spin out of control
But there's something missing inside my soul
a part of me taken long ago
I only wish you could fix it
and fix me too
But, no matter how hard I try,
I can’t love you

Will I ever find my heart again?
It seems I’ll never know
All I’m certain of is
I want you to be happy,
whether it’s with
or without me

emotions lurk
within a shallow grave
for a traveler to find
waiting for the moment
to release and remind
that something alive
has been hiding inside

Oh how I enjoy
Simply being in your presence
Embracing the quiet and
Letting imagination fill the void
I feel no need to speak
When you are beside me
So I let my lips seal
And my soul
open

Walk with me
And we’ll tell our stories
With breath alone

Why has my heart grown so cold
Now that I have a hand to hold
Yearned to love when I was alone
But all I craved was the unknown
I finally know, and I no longer know
What it is I want, and what it is I don’t
The only thing I'm certain of
is I feel nothing
                    anymore.

I miss the feeling
Of forgetting my name
Of losing my breath
Of losing myself
Whenever you were around
But the truth is
I didn’t know you at all
I never fell for you
I only loved the way
You made me feel
And now I will never feel that way
again.

When I was a small girl, I played in the dirt and looked
for worms and other small creatures to give my hands
something to do, something to look forward to
But even when something was found and for a moment
my mind was occupied, there was no reward
I continued to spend my life chasing after meaning
that would never rise up to meet me
looking for a sense of solace that would convince me there was
a reason life was worth living
I searched for the purpose that other children seemed to find so easily but I could not see a reason

I am 18 years old now
and I feel just as lost as when I was a child
I always questioned where my innocence had gone
but something tells me now it's been missing all along
every new emotion I feel
I have felt before
every new person I meet
I have met before
every new word I say
I have said before
if everything is the same,
then why long for more?

There is no more drive, no more passion, no need
so what reason could there be to keep on living?
Perhaps the tree's purpose is not in simply growing
but in spreading its roots and planting its seed
its not about you,
it was never meant to be

oh, how quickly the resin is
devoured by flame
he promised her he'd be there
to save her from pain,
to give her the world,
let her reach for the stars
but as soon as he touched her,
she was swallowed by fire

as she sizzles and melts
blood pours from her side
she accepts her fate
and watches herself die
"in a few moments,
no part of me will remain
everything comes to an end
and so must I
what's the point of fighting?
just let me go
just let me die"

I thought I'd never be satisfied with
a love that doesn’t fill me with fear
one that makes me question
everything I thought was real
everything I thought I knew
you convinced me I was no one
without you.
I wanted to hate myself with the most
intimate, lustful passion
like you always did
I never believed that love can be attained
without pain

But I truly want to imagine
That such a man exists
Who doesn't rule the world (and me)
with his iron fists
With feelings genuine and pure,
who gives more than he takes
Lord, if you're out there
Give me one of the good ones
for ****'s sake

I still remember
  Bleeding out
     in your arms
         with a bullet in my head
You always knew I’d be happier
                    dead.

I’ve finally begun to feel
The eyes following me
Everywhere
And yet,
No one is there

I feel every neuron bouncing in my head
Shooting electrical currents
back and forth.
back and forth.
back and forth.
One plane to the next
Moving my neck
side to side.
side to side.
side to side.
I lay supine
and think,
"I can't stop thinking"
My ears are ringing
My mouth is dry
my eyes are bleeding.

And so, we meet again.
A familiar friend
I forgot I knew
Reveals pictures of me,
talking to myself
as I walk to the library
"Do you remember when we spoke about---?"
Oh, it's all coming to me now
I've been split in two all along
But I know I'll forget you
when I wake up tomorrow
So I lay down my head
and force myself
to remember.

My fears have become amplified
They consume me.
Other people worry
about being watched,
about talking too much,
but my biggest fear is
my mere existence.
The idea that my senses
all allude me
I am just as likely to be standing
as I am sitting down
I am just as likely to be here
as I am elsewhere
I am just as likely to be awake
as I am asleep
Nothing that I see or feel
is real
Everything I type and read is
a fabrication
a delusion
an allusion
to it being a fantasy
Perhaps my life
has all been
just a dream

As I walk through open fields
My hands graze the grain,
And feel the caress of rain
Comforting me,
whispering:

it’s alright, my dear
our time is overdue
the snow will soon
come
to blanket the world in frost
and when it does
my love
our lives will not be lost
we will always have the chance
to return
once again
so we welcome death
with open arms
and resume our
sacred dance
one day, you too
shall return to soil
and when you do
you’ll ground your roots
and return once more

Racing through the halls
My vision begins to slip
Slowly fading to black
Until suddenly
I can no longer see

Desperately feeling the walls
My internal voice becomes my guide
A manifestation of reason
Surprisingly calm
For someone who cannot see

As I sink into myself
And I view my fragile state
I simply accept my fate
And realize, perhaps I am most sane
When the world closes in around me
Finally, I can see

do you remember
the moment you realized love was real?
stuck your hand down her throat and began to peel
carefully tearing away flesh to reveal
celestial beauty, an irresistible meal
of arteries, tissues, and organs galore
isn’t it all you’ve ever wanted and more?
so you swallowed your awe, reveled in her gore
you’ve found the one, and now she’s yours.

When she walks, she floats
Drifting past
Faces masked
While she’s enveloped
In a world
                   they’ll never see

When will the day end?
I brood as I lay in bed
Listening to my thoughts swarm,
Murmuring throughout the dorm
I always thought I’d find comfort
In being noticed and adored
But the clouds still loom over me
And I realize,  
                     I will always feel empty
There exists no greater purpose,
No lifetime without loneliness.
It's pointless to even ponder
A fulfilling and meaningful existence
So I’ll let my mind wander
Stare back up at the ceiling
Continue to grapple,
Fighting for feeling
My room is black as pitch
It seems that tonight
my only consolation
will be unconsciousness

A grave stone covered in moss
Sanctuary for two ghosts, lost
Traversing an empty conversation
A selfish manifestation
Of self pity and broken philosophy
Too concerned with themselves to hear
Their words being lost to the ether
The galaxy in her mind
drowned out all sound
It wasn’t until he leaned in,
she was suddenly found

Two souls lock eyes,
and touch cold hands
Silence carried what words could not,
Hidden feelings they now understand
They were both never broken
But communicated best
In words unspoken

Atop the grave stone
Two bodies now lie
Side-by-side
They wait to die

I’ve lost too much time
Wasting away in my cage
Of cyclic thoughts, repeating
Over and over and over
The same boring tunes
Of pity and self virtue  
Each second spinning sorrowful songs
As days become shorter and bleak
My memories grow empty and weak
In the quiet of my home, I live in delusion
My lost time is but an illusion

"I think you're beautiful"
Well, I think you're blind
Perhaps you're a conman
that enjoys spinning lies
So I'll take off my pants
and take you for a ride
Wish I could just blush,
say, "Thanks love, I try!"
But I yell, "*******, ****"
I know I'm not good enough
I'll never understand
why lovely words
hurt me so much.

A never-ending race
An ever-fleeting chase
After fabricated humans
And transcendental emotions

Your happiness seems
to exist only in dreams

Tainted by delusion
A meaningless existence
Enshrouded in confusion
and polluted innocence
My mind continues to elude me
As my thoughts sink deeper into
obscurity

Hunger sinks teeth into my side,
and enshrouds my ignorant mind.
I can no longer bear the torture
of being lonely and confined.

The treacherous prospect of waiting
threatens to rip me apart,
As hunger's tendrils grip tighter
around my swollen, beating heart.

I wish there was another way
to quench my insatiable need,
If I can’t indulge, I must implode
So I fall to my knees and plead

“Slash your knife along my torso,
Twist, pull, and disembowel me”

The dust has come to settle,
At last, my brambles sprout
Vibrant petals
Full of hope and tranquil joy,
To drown out lonesome grief
A little toy
Was all you planned I would be
But there is so much left
For you to see
Soon you’ll know  
What I mean

The only time I care what people think
Is when you’re around
Because meandering eyes
glance, then look away
But yours always seem to stay
Lingering, pondering
But I can’t for the life of me
Figure out what you’re
Thinking

Blood
Runs down my skin
As my lips curl into
A rapturous grin
I forgot I was alive
Until the blade dug in
And I watched pain unravel
Into sanguine satisfaction

opening their petals
raising stamens to the sky
allowing leaves to dance
and pollen to fly
carried by wind,
floating past trees
to one day be cradled
by a neighboring blossom
or the cold soil beneath

As a child, I always felt safest
holding the hands of tattooed people.
Their feelings were worn on their skin,
their smiles were always genuine,
their words came from deep within
their soul, honest and true,
and their acceptance of themselves
showed me it was beautiful
to be authentically you.

I have come to realize
that I have become the person I looked up to
since my vulnerable, earliest days.
Now, whenever I feel alone or afraid
I hold my own hand
and feel safe again

The observer
Is surrounded by a sea of people
But is entirely alone
They look in your direction
But they can’t see your soul
And, though you can pretend
To be one of them,
You will always be elsewhere
Observing

But you are gifted
With a conscious mind
This world is yours
To explore and find
Beauty in the ugliest faces,
Meaning in the darkest places,
So unravel the smothering laces
Of your petty, cynical wit
For your mind’s potential
has no limit

I see passion in the way you ignore me,
your grave attempts to evade my gaze
But your eyes meet mine
and they can't look away