So caught up in changing me, I changed us both.

I met her mother today
I was nervous to do it
I wasn't sure what to say
What would I do if I blew it?

"Be yourself," she says
Be myself? says my head
Now I'm thinking of Pez...
And I'm thinking I'm dead

But I walked up the stairs
Took a left at the top
I awaited a bear
Sipping an otterpop

Her mom was so nice
Called me "from Subway"
And I took the advice
Took the intro my way

Met her grandma and auntie
In the downstairs, grey room
I prepared a sea chantey
But we left, so no boom

Her mom met my dad
I hugged my girlfriend goodbye
She makes me so glad
There's new life in my eye

Your presence lingers
On outstretched fingers
Like reverberating notes
Of opera singers

Get out of my heart
Get out of my head
You're not what you thought you were once
And even then you weren't that
Beauty is within
And without
And you're rotting
Rotting from your exterior to
Your core
You are a rotten apple, not a bad seed
Do you know how much sewage water it takes
To contaminate a glass of drinking water?
A drop
You're a gallon, baby
A gallon of sewage
Tons of nasty
Packed into eight ounces
Of Falsehood
So keep faking
Maybe someday, you'll find soemone else
Some other idiot who, like you, has no respect
For themselves
Or others
Or society
Or humanity
Or progress
So keep up your act
Act well your role
For you are our ***** STD
The thing we never want to hear about
But that reminds us of how much
We want better for ourselves

I stand and I tap my foot
(my last season's Prada shoes)
Because I get so tired
Of standing
In line

I wish that we all could exist on
Interconnected
Albeit separated planes
So we could see one another
But I could pass through you
And board the train
Five minutes sooner

I'm just so impatient
Because life's too short to be spent
Waiting in line
Crying over useless relationships
Riding planes
Going anywhere
I just need to be there
I just need you here
I need to be doing something
Not waiting for something to happen

You make me impatient
Because someday we'll be dead
And I want to live the hell out of life
Before that happens

I ought to take the time to analyze my mental state
I really ought to try to calm myself down
But apathy that shields an underlying caring
Is the perfect combination for disaster

I ought to take the time to make a few more friends
I'm told they really are the most desired objects
I fancy that at times I'm surrounded by the possibility
Of people who might be my friends if I gave them the chance

I'm mocked and laughed at and I take it with a smile
But when I'm low and lonely I loathe it terribly
And I lock away the faces of the nasty little brats
Who will feel the wrath of my self-torment

Depression is the contagion
I'm allowing to seep back in

Hannah Baker was the girl
Gave her dress a little twirl
And when I called on her to play
Turns out Hannah passed away

******* tired of trying to be
                                        Atlas
I need to be me for a change
dlrow ym fo thgiew eht
rednu gnilbmurc m'I

So I'm done
I quit
I will show emotion
**** that facade
**** always smiling

Because right now
I'm pouring the chocolate syrup
All over the floor
And I've gotta say
This
Feels
Great

I can't say that I know what it's like
To lose someone
And it's not because I have never experienced death

My Great Aunt died of lung cancer
Though she never smoked
And was the nicest lady
With what I assumed
Was a New York accent
To ever be convinced that I loved
Her Spinach Frittata
And who indirectly
Made jokes about my insatiable desire
To consume the apple pie

She died on the tenth of october in the year two-thousand ten
(10/10/10)
And I remember my father calling me to the kitchen
To tell me the news
I cried a little
And went back to my room to write angry poetry
But ultimately I was just tired
And went to sleep
Without really adressing anything

At her funeral, I remember my cousin telling me
The story of how her (then) long-term boyfriend
Used wire cutters to remove his braces
A week before they were due to come off
They called me over to put a shovelful of dirt
Into the grave
And I did
Then ran back, jumping as I did (jumping as I did),
To my cousin
Because her candid attitude let me know that it was ok
Not to be somber

My dad's friend had a stroke which dislodged blood clots and sent him
Into a coma for a long time
And while we posed with him for Christmas pictures
(I hated posing, I hated the picture-taking, I hated smiling, it all felt wrong)
And my father promised that hypnosis was going to work
My dad's friend died
In a hospital bed
In his home
In a historical region of uptown Whittier
My dad lost his friend
My mom lost hers as well
When she stopped talking to his wife
Who had been her friend first

The cousin who was talking to me at the funeral
Lost her (then) boyfriend
When she woke up one morning
To find him dead with her
In bed

So I can't say that I know what it's like
Because I have lost people
I've seen death
And I dislike it
I dislike the thought that all my
Teachers will die before me
And I am sad thinking about those days
That I will be in the crowd
One of the Touched

I dislike that I don't know what it's like
Because I don't see it like the others
I try to remember beauty in their life
Beauty that they shared with me
Beauty that I will keep alive
Like the energy cell
The Doctor blew life into
To power the TARDIS

But if I can't find it
If there was nothing we shared
If there is nothing to tie me to them
I feel bad that someone else feels bad
I dislike their pain and
I wish I could give them a hug
And that the hug would fix everything
But it won't
And all I can do is think about
How much I ****
At comforting grievers
And how much I wish
I could be a better comforter
But I'm not
Because I don't do well with death

I bet you thought that no one saw
But I did
And I made a note
Now here you come with an innocent smirk
And your stupid hair
Acting like it never happened
But it did
And I saw it

Did you think I wouldn't see?
That you were invisible?
I'm the one who's invisible
She doesn't see me with you around
She doesn't see me
But I saw you kiss her
And I made a note to throw out these flowers

I shall be thine Atlas, thine scapegoat with a shoulder
That I with weary back might take position as the holder
Of all the items you have boiling up within thee; take them out!
Instead of boiling up, project them unto me and thusly shout:
"Thou art truly a disgrace, a mere construction of a lie
You exist as foul temptation, but you tempt no more, for I
I have gained more pressing matters; I have larger game to shoot
To me, thou art but humble grass smear'd 'neath the footman's boot
And I've become an heiress, or a prince, perhaps, a king!
I've left behind the people who wish to control my everything
My every waking moment is now in my control
You disapprove? Excuse me, but I never asked thee for a poll!"
I shall be thine Atlas, and I'll gladly take your spite
I would also take thine fists, if thou so wish'd to fight
But ne'er in my life would I, lift fist nor finger to you
That's one thing that I wouldn't, nay, couldn't ever do

Hey Mr. Wall! It's your ******* up friend!
I've cut her wide open; will she ever mend?
She came to me, tears streaming, but did I wish her well?
No, instead I freaked out and she said, "Go to hell"
So it's been quite some time since I talked to her last
And I know what she speaks of, that event in the past
When I said, "I've no right to hear all of your tales
You've med all that clear; but just tell me what ails!
You're closing the doors, all the walls are air tight
You said you'd say something, well, how about tonight?"
No response did she give, so I started to worry
So I texted her, back-pedalling this time with hurry
It was next afternoon when I got the reply
Another came later: "I was bit by a guy"
I replied with an "oh" and "How'd that go down?"
She said "After, he kissed me." And I started a frown
Then the frown turned to tears and I said "Well, that's neat"
She said "Yeah" and " 'night" 'cause I guess she was beat
Well, it went on like that: nights of tears, days of silence
Day after day I had thoughts of self-violence
The White Room* was no help, and venting no good
I was sure she had a new guy like I figured she would
I just wanted a clue for me to grasp tight
With no contact from her, I hugged my pillow at night
I would openly cry, and that bugged me to hell
Because it wasn't about me; was she doing well?
I felt like a ******* and so **** needy
I wanted to hear her and that made me greedy
But **** it I loved her and wanted to know
How'd I ***** up and make her hate me so
I wouldn't find out for a week and a half
From 11 to 23 and maybe you'd laugh,
But that time was torture and helplessness thrived
Into pools of depression, I stepped forth and dived
Because I missed her so much, even before all this started
And now I had opened my mouth and we parted
My shoes were the same my own sign of depression
Then she called to say goodnight; relationship regression?
I didn't know yet, but I asked her that later
I didn't force an answer like a high school debator
She didn't want to talk, nor was that up for discussion
But at least she responded and my heart did percussion
I wanted to clear this; what did I do?
How can I fix things so we were ok, us two?
I was starting to think, maybe I'd end it
Make a noose with a chain, hoped my body didn't bend it
String me up, say goodbye, leave her better without me
Then there'd be no more reason to trust, hate, or doubt me
But I knew that'd solve nothing, So I stopped all that thinking
Because I knew she wasn't well; like myself, she was sinking
Maybe she just didn't want me anymore
Maybe dealing with stupidity was too big of a chore
I talked to my father when he caught me crying
He said, "Send her a note. Let her know that you're dying
To hear her at least, but you've got the wrong cat.
I was a no one in school. So I'm not hip to all that.
But maybe if you drop a little 'How do you do?'
She'll reply in the like and start talking to you.
I don't know her too good, so I can't gaurantee
But that's what I'd do; I mean, if you were me."
I thanked him for the talk but it didn't really aid
Me in my mission, I felt like Doug Quaid
I wasn't sure what I'd done to get this girl ******
But unlike Doug and Melina, we had never kissed
I was so afraid we'd ended, that she was moving on
While I awaited her return, she was already gone
But this wasn't the case, as I found Sunday night
When she caught me off-guard and ended the fight
"You said something upsetting." She told me right then
"I'm not sure what it was, why you said it, or when
But I know it upset me and kinda made me mad
And what's worse is you said it when I was already sad
I couldn't speak for a moment; I felt like the devil
This new info took my stupidity to the next level
I whispered, "I'm sorry" and I've never meant it more
I hated that I caused her to be so **** sore
"I don't want to be mad anymore" is what she said
"And why I was mad has just slipped from my head
We talked for some minutes; about 32, I guess
I asked, "Can I call in the morning?" and she said yes
So I'm hopeful that maybe quite soon we'll be fine
And maybe there's still a chance that she'll be mine.

You make me happy
Like Dashboard Confessional makes me happy:
On-the-verge-of-a-breakdown,
Feeling-hopeless-and-pointles­s kind of happy

It's that sort of day when you sit alone and cold
Just thinking about everything and nothing at all.
It's that sort of day when you zone out
Because it's better to hear the emptiness in your brain than the crowd outside.
It's a day when you exclude everyone
So you can appreciate being with them.
When there's nothing you want more
Than to sit and drink coffee at an outdoor cafe.
It's a day for you to be you, with no one else around
Because these days are reserved for you to revel in
The nothingness
The completeness
The fractured whole
The minuteness
The magnitude
That is your heart and soul.

I've never been a masterpiece
In anybody's book
I've never been a photograph
That warranted second look
I've never been a muscle-man
Nor lifted decent weight
I've never been majestic
Can't walk with my back straight
I've never been the subject
Of dinner-table talk
I've never made girls giggle
And request me for a walk
I've never been the kind of guy
Whose words are taken seriously
I've never had the kind of face
That conceals me mysteriously
I've never been a monster
Nor a saint of any kind
I've never been invisible
But I'm often hard to find
I've never been a savior
One one who has been Saved
I've never been to parties
Where I've seen the strobes and raved
I've never reached beyond myself
And changed another's life
And I've never stopped and thought about
If she'll suffer as my wife

Some days I want to sit in a chair
Alone, on a rock overlooking
The frigid ocean
I want to sit and look out at the horizon
The taunting broken promise
And as the sun sets
Pulling colors down with it
I want someone to slap me
And tell me it's okay to stop crying
That I don't have to try and drown my sorrow
In a bottle or in my tears
I want them to pull me close and kick the chair
Into the ocean
"It's gone" they'll say
"Your new life starts now"
And I'll walk away with them
Rubbing my cheek from the slap

They said that I could be whatever my heart desired
But I don't know what I want; All I know is that I'm tired
The world's too big for someone like me
The world's too small to fit people comfortably
The cities are jam-packed and all of the bodies
Are writhing and bending like awkward pilates
But the abs don't develop, the friendship's avoided
The only way to the top is to blood dope and 'roid it
There's no one that smiles as I climb on the train
And true, my own smile I made plans to retain
But maybe that's it! We've got a vicious rotation
Of these serious faces, a shy person's vocation
"Put up the wall!" cries the brain in a fright
The same little voice that grabs the wall switch at night
So let's bring them all out of the hand-painted shell
That covers them up and locks them in so well
But back to the start, I don't know what I'll be
And it's so hard to think with these people around me
They crowd up the alleys, the houses, the street
And it's funny, two strangers with same routes don't meet
We wrap ourselves up with the survival of the day
And we become more robotic as our humanity slips away
We entertain the thought that we're cognitively higher
And we've been doing that since Prometheus stole the fire
We've got all our gadgets ideas and tools
And we set codes of standards and morality rules
Sure maybe we're self-governing and make our own laws
But how does this make us above those with paws?
Are we wholly smarter by gift of this tech?
Because it seems to me that the world is a wreck
We took over the planet with ignorant spreading
Closer and closer the moment we've been dreading
Is nearing the Earth through the vast population
We're nearing the point where we'll need a space station
To hold all the people, too eager to quit it
To keep it in your pants, think before you hit it
To keep our races intact, to ensure man's survival
We're our very best customer and salesman and rival
"Help yourself and I'll be right along"
Is the tired old phrase, the motivation song
And some things you can change and fix with a thought
But the number of things that need more? Quite a lot
You can't save a nation just by a mental notion
There's no telepathic messenger who will fly across the ocean
On the wings and dreams of the oldest dragon
Whilst carrying the remedy in a silver flagon
There's no Wish Police who will answer your calls
And pull down their Fix-it Guns from the racks in the halls
So to move a nation, you might think it funny
But the thing that speaks to all is valid currency: money
To make all the changes you wished up in there
You've got to pull out the cash and flip back your hair
Make a statement that sure, you've no clue what you're doing
But you're willing to try, and while politicians sit stewing
Over who voted how and which bill not to pass
"The elephant says yea; Let's legalize grass!"
None of that matters if you get full support
And when you work for the world, who takes you to court?
So I guess the whole point, the big picture theme
Is that changing the world will take more than a meme
It involves more than **** and ******* and wines
It's more than those selfies and twerking and vines
It's more than that petty stuff you find so amusing
The internet was information, but you all are abusing
You muddle up facts with your silly fan fiction
U and I are ovr because you've bastardized the diction
The syntax is wrong, there are so many errors
These are but one of the grammatical terrors
That plague the nation, plague the world
The torch is passed and the baton twirled
The next generation knows no better
Than to follow our actions to the letter
What can they change when we've taken it all
And compacted it down to six summer weeks small
The information they're using is paraphrased
And the original sources have been erased
To make more room in the data banks
For storing the info on nukes and rebel tanks
Let's all converse and stop these risk stunts
Grab the bat from the player; "Take a risk, not a bunt!"
Change to the world has got to be swift and loud
Stop mumbling ideas when you can shout at the clouds
Let loose the brain you've kept locked away
And shout at the world; let them hear you today
What will I be? Well, I've got to make dough
To make waves in the world and change it, you know
I'll do what I can, within moral reason
To gain leverage on everything and it might become treason
To fix the whole world using ideas and cash
But I'd much rather my back feel the sting of the lash
Than condemn my mind to the essential lobotomy
My only medical surrender will be to phlebotomy
So take out my blood and my money too
If the world's gonna change, I've got to learn to trust you
That will be our base, our motto and creed
To strive for the change fueled by trust, not by greed

You put up all these walls between us
And now I know why
It's not because you don't want to let me in
It's not because you're afraid of attachment
Or committing
Or rejection
Or loss
No, you push me away
So ******* far away
Because you want to make sure that you drown

I'll never let go, even if you do
Because I'm the Jack to your Rose
And I swear,
I would rather die drowning
With my last image being you
Half-conscious and hypothermic
Lips blue and eyes delusional
Gorgeous and pulling it off, like only you can
I would rather see you like this
Knowing that my drowning saved you
Than be alive and apart from you
Knowing that you were drowning yourself

What does it all mean?
Someone once asked
I smiled to show
I don't know

I dropped a penny into a well and wished that I never existed
I walked away feeling empty
A vague thought forming in the back of my mind:
Maybe, because the wish presented a paradox, it could not be fulfilled
I toyed with the idea of turning around
Of going back and righting the wrong
"I wish to be dead! That's not a paradox! Make it happen!"
But I lacked the motivation
All processes have been overtaken
By apathy
And for want of feeling, I continued to breathe

I wrote my life on a 3x5
Tacked it on my bulletin board
And stared at it
The shock of being defined
By ten lines of slanted script
Was rivaled by the shock of my apathy
I guess the whole point of living a lie
Is keeping it short enough
To remember the truth

I wrote you a letter, but burned it
It had too much emotion inside
I had thought that perhaps you had earned it
But instead I just ran off to hide

The letter I wrote wasn't long
But the meaning was deep and extensive
To convey it, one might sing a song
That said, I feel apprehensive

Because what if the letter was obsolete
The message itself had grown little feet
Walked out of my head and right out the door
Tread into your home on your newly cleaned floor
And bowed down before you and said, "listen here!"
"I've got a big juicy to lay down in your ear!"
And you listened and listened and before half an hour
The message was with you and out of my power
But you didn't let on that you knew all that stuff
You hid the message away in your teddy bear's fluff
So now here I am with these black paper ashes
And you're sitting there, batting perfect eyelashes
Don't know if you know it, please tell if you do
'Cause the message I just burned was "I love you"

I wrote you a letter, oh was I ever the fool
To think that you'd want me: the geek at the pool
Maybe if I wore a v-neck like those dudes you like
Or if I wore those pleather pants and had a motorbike
But instead I'm wearing swim trunks that are sporting Spiderman
The kid one, not the knock-off of the movie from Japan
My complexion's pasty white, like I was locked away for years
And my aversion to the ocean's only heightened by my fears
Of public humiliation, but it seems I've got that down
Because no matter what I do, I'm the laughingstock of town
So when your letter got here, it came as no surprise
To read. "*******, Jason T. Go and dry your **** four eyes."

It's okay, Dr. Jekyll
We all are slightly strange
Some of us are stranger than the rest
I'm sure you've seen the strangest kind
While dressed as Mr. Hyde
I tell you, that man is bad company
Don't keep him around
Value your innocence and smile
Smile, Dr. Jekyll
At the commonplace items
Like candles and spoons
Let the world smile back
And share in your peace

Turbulent calm
I drift darkly on your words
The subtlety of language and the
Way you paint your worlds
How privileged, I, can be brought in
Led by your silver tongue
May I ever venture here,
With you, Janet Snakehole

Joey Comeau
Writes things I sometimes don't understand
They're like little bones in a tiny
Bat skeleton
I don't know what they mean
Or what they do
Or how they fit in the whole scheme of things
But they make me feel powerful
And that's mostly good

Joey writes sentences that start with
"I want to"
And end with things like
"Break into an old lady's house and tell her I am the FBI"
He writes sentences that make me think
Of all the things I want to do
I want to crash my private helicopter
Into the side of a mountain
But escape just in time
I want to write like Joey
Simple sentences that hold the world in their hands
And crush it a little
Just because

Stephen King
Writes books that sometimes scare me
Right back to the second trimester
Right back to fetal position in the womb
But he tells the stories so well
The actions are so true
I believe them all
And I know I'd never be the hero in a horror story
(I'll be dead in the first twenty minutes of the film)
But I get excited at the prospect of reading
Because it requires less running on my part

Stephen wrote of his drug addiction
And his mom's cancer
And his ****** jobs
And his alcoholism
And his multiple failures before his success
And his loving wife
And it made me think
That even though I'm an itty bitty little person
With but one life to give for this universe
Maybe, just maybe
I can make it
In some scheme of things

My friend Kellie makes me smile
She's amazing and hardly knows it while
Her boyfriend drains the life from her
Leaving her crying; his intentions were
To show how she made him feel
But whose hurt is worse, whose harm more real?
I can't judge but I can see
Her sitting disconsolate endlessly
And though she tries to to fake that she's well
She's not; her smile's a grimace and that I can tell
But I hate when she feels bad and I don't know what to do
Virtual giant squeeze hug: this one's for you

She lay there sleeping like a stone
Might sleep, were she just left alone
Attempts at peaceful slumber were
Foiled. And a cat would purr
To see her shoes left unattended
The Dreamland she was in was mended
When a lick delivered lightly
To her forehead woke her slightly
And with frustrated gesture
For her friends had all but messed her
From repose that she had wanted
All their actions left her daunted
She only wasnted for a snooze
Not a hamburger and *****
Just a rest for weary eyes
In the end, the bell ended her tries
It signalled end to tiresome day
So she got up and went on her way

Clouds may blow past
But memories last
And the sun in this sky
Hears me wondering why
Today is the day when I realize the truth
That the young are wasting our youth
And the wind in my hair is the only one
That will blow in this moment with the sun
Every moment is its own and nothing shall repeat
All these inaccurate snippets, soon captured and neat
Compiled together, this scrapbook's our life
Whether glued with our tears or cut with a knife
All images, candid and raw and most honest
Our life under wraps is the one we wear on our wrist
For the whole world to see if they'd only look close
It's the version of life that is not shared the most
But this version is always the most needed read
For to know all the person is to know the whole deed

I wish I could say it's going to get better
With a clear conscience
I wish I could make those empty claims
You hear again and again
But fill them up
With something tangible
And real
Something that meant anything would change
I wish I could grab your hand
And wipe your eyes
And say softly
"I've read the last page of our story
And guess what?
We get a happily ever after"
But I don't know the ending
And I don't know how long we've got until then
And I don't know if it's happy or tragic
But what I do know
Is that in this moment
There are more people than you know
Who love you
And I'm one of them
So when I tell you
It's going to get better or
We'll make it through this
Don't listen to what I'm saying
Hear what I mean
Because when I make those empty claims
That you hear again and again
What I mean is I love you
And that's very real
And maybe that means that things can change
But even if they can't
I love you
And that won't either

I am a born-again believer in me, in we, in us
I trust you and I will fly so high we forget the meaning of the word stand
Hand-in-hand we will be above both land and sea and our floor will be more air than comparisons of trees laid down
Hey— I know you, I’ve seen you before
Not in trouble, no no but still in my corner
The girl you were, should I warn her?
That we are about to fall irrevocably, recklessly in love
I’ve been in jams before but never in something so sweet it makes me wonder what makes you
Stick with me, it sounds like a pup explaining his carry-on before boarding but if you’d just be mine and dine on promises and wine with cutlery so fine you feel you ought to rub away your fingerprints before they notice who you are
You are the light that makes the day go ‘round and shove itself into the ocean each night, embarrassed to be outshone
Out here there’s nothing to rub away
Your fingerprints burn searing brands on my soul and you make me whole
I’ve got holes in me like the lid on a pepper-shaker, the flakes keep dropping out, but you close them up and I can’t help but think of my suture with you, the future is ours, sew
Onward to new horizons
You and I will rewrite the stars
What, like it’s hard?
The fabric of spacetime is just that, sew
Bunch here and there and make a scrunchy outta time
Bring it back and take back the now
Blend fashion and function into one and oh what fun we’ll have being old and new all at once and together
We weather the storm because there’s no Halle for this Berry and no bunny’s coming close to this Bug
It’s you and me over land and sea
Like those pocket monsters, I choose you
I believe in true
Love is here to stay, okay?
Take my hand and sail with me
Fly with me
Above land and sea

Let it be, said I in whisper
Pulling back as though I'd kissed her
Let it be, I said again
Oh, how I longed for a "more than" friend
I wanted her to love me too
And in a tiny flash, I thought of you
How you had made me fall in love
I had trusted you; you were my dove
You didn't let me down at once
But in the end, I was the dunce
The incompatible? That was me
And so I whispered, Let it be

I enjoy the smaller things that
No one ever does
Noticing the words and expressions
Just  because

The little, hidden dimples that
Show up when you smile
The way your shirt conceals your form
Yet reveals it all the while

"Daddy's sleeping," they all said
"Daddy went to bed"
But I knew that wasn't true
Somehow I knew him dead

LIESLIESLIES
I am the essence of
LIESLIESLIES
I make my memory through
LIESLIESLIES
I leave a legacy of
LIESLIESLIES
I give you nothing but
LIESLIESLIES**
A hypocrite and liar,
Once displayed
Is nothing more

How openly we forget
When memory is not maintained
The truths and lies and promises
Of past are not contained

How solemnly we drink
The spoils of our plunder
The feelings acquired
Before fate tore us asunder

And when the door cracks open
The sun will light upon my skin
I will suddenly be lifted
From the depth where I have been

I shall take my hat in hand
And alight from yonder stair
I shall throw the window open
And sing out without care

For the darkness cannot hold me
I've escaped from it before
And the lifting of the light begins
When you open my door

An equine of the purest black
Of the smokiest shape
Doth tread lightly
With calm words
Filled with the strength
And the weight of morality
His path dictated by the men
Who stand fore and aft
Clearing the way
Pushing him on
That he might stand on high
Nigh impossible to tear down
For a symbol exists long past its time
And though his steps of smoke are made
They echo throughout the decades

I can tell you all your errors
That you write upon the page
I can tell you that you're acting like your shoe size, not your age

I can tell you that you don't care
Even though I know you do
And when the tears start pouring out, I know that that's my cue

To take back everything I've said
To hold it all inside
To put away the honesty in the crawl space where I hide

I'll zipper up my bottom lip
To keep words from spilling out
And on days when the zipper breaks, my pillow hears the shout

We've come this far with honesty
That I've kept locked away
So why should we be open when today is just one day?

I'm looking out the window, just to try to see you
Pass me by
What are you thinking
When you look away?
I thought I might hold tight to the
Memories of our past
But the wounds must be shut
I'm sewing them shut
Where are we now?
We're alone and apart
A form of living death
You stole the life from my heart
The breath from my lungs
And the pain multiplies
When you pretend
Not to see me

It was a fairly good run, while we had it

Love me, love me
Forever and a day
She says
But how can I love you
When I can't love
Myself
?
She has no answer
Because I never ask
The question

I'm too afraid to
Admit that I may never
Be able to love anything
Or worse yet
That I never have
Loved

She asks me to love her
Totally and unconditionally
To be hers and hers alone
Forever

I accept with a smile
But all the while
Doubt is gnawing at the back of my mind:
*She made love with another man...

Po is the kung fu master
He looked up to
Through a path
Of training and self-discovery
Maybe I
Can be
The magic I look up to
Through a path
Of training and self-discovery
And inspiration
And maybe just a touch
Of pixie dust

I'm making an example out of you
Though you may not see it yet
My own inflicted wounds paint your reputation black
But you wouldn't know; you're too good to notice
You don't know what they say about you
Manipulator
Tease
Player
But I know
I started them all
Without a single word, my dear
I use my misery to convey the single belief that all others like you
Must be brought to justice
For the good of men like me

There are faces in the ocean; there are bodies in the sea,
There are bloated, driftwood-corpses that float up and welcome me.
To the seashore where I've found them, to my bed back where I sleep,
I dream of sky-blue faces as they swirl down in the deep.

Kick the kid, kick the kid
They all yell
They all scream
Circles of bloodthirsty vultures
Ready to dine on the misery of others
At the expense of both
The dignity of the attacker and the victim
His blood is on my shoes
My converse are stained now
Forever they will scream out
SHAME ON YOU, YOU ****
I don't want to be a monster
They are making me a monster
The world wants me to be a monster
I have to be a monster
To get by
I look down at him again
I don't want to kick him
But they keep shouting
I am so weak
Maybe if I kick him a little, they'll see how strong
I can be
kick
kickkickkick
kick
KICKKICKKICK
No more screaming
No more yelling
No more pulse
The crowd runs away
They leave me with my shame
And my stained shoes
And my victory
At least I have that
Victory

Maybe someday you'll see
The pieces of me
That you left, shattered on the floor

Maybe someday quite soon
When you glance at the moon
You'll see me looking back from the core

Maybe someday when I'm
Quite out of time
You'll think back and remember the day

The day that you cut
My heart through my gut
And casually threw our love away