...
Your name,
a stab wound in the neck.
Memories of you,
moldy coffee grounds
and soggy biscuits;
your taste, spoiled milk.

Black, oily tendrils spill from my dying lips each time I say your name in my head.

I do not say it out loud

You are she now, I must
remember.

She...her.

She was the only one
I would have
completely submitted
to, had she only asked.

Her juices, sublime.

She ruined me
for the rest of you.
Cold and dark, her love
is the shadow in my eyes.
These bloodstained years,
ashes, weightless.

I cannot love anyone now.
I gave what little I had to her,
and she killed it.

I let her

This purging of her,
will it ever end?
So many dead memories
taking up precious space.
So many lies, so many lies.
A soiled sanctuary,
dripping in poison.

My dearest and darkest love,
my only.

They were all for you,
these poems. These futile
attempts to reconcile my reality
with my guts. Even the ones that weren't for
you carried your shadow.

Her, not you.
I must remember
This one broke me
because she didn't know
how to wield
the immense power
I gave her.
She was careless.

This has to stop.
Soon.

I want to hold someone
else and not think of...her.

You

I want to make everything right.

No

I want revenge.
I want her to suffer.

These dark reflections
from my nothing
inside
are innocuous.

Pale skin, bleach and rotten milk.
Lies and lies and lies.

Her grey garden is barren
but I still have sight.
She was supposed to
pluck my eyes.
Communion, this eating of
my flesh and
drinking of my
blood
has left me
bereft of anything
worth wanting.

*I crawl through stone

Half eaten chocolates mingle with dead leaves
as wood floors yearn for elbows
and I crave the fluids
of Paradise
dripping like sweet nectar
from
your vile and wretched

Gate to Hell.

I remember walking home from school with you in eighth grade
being silly and naive as always
I told you I liked that necklace you wore
Not thinking much of anything
and you gave it to me
It smelled a little like grapes
which made me giggle
and a lot like you
which made me smile
I tried to return it
because it wasn't really mine
but you insisted I keep it
and thank God you did

I wore it every day
until we broke up
I thought of burning it
or simply throwing it away
But every time I tried
I couldn't bring myself to do it
So I shoved it in a blue box
hidden under my dresser
forgot it existed
forgot you existed.

I hadn't seen you in a year
when you told me you missed me
I missed you too.
I hadn't seen you in a year
when you told me you still loved me
I still love you too

I blew the dust off that blue box
picked up that simple beaded necklace
a little wooden turtle
it still smelled like grapes
and you

Three and a half years later
we talk on the phone for hours before going to sleep
I fiddle with that necklace while we talk
while I listen to your laugh
your stories
your voice
because it's all I have of you to hold
It doesn't smell like you anymore
because I wear it every single day
thats okay
because it reminds me
of everything we've been
of everything we will be
just because
this little turtle necklace
reminds me
how much I love you
and
how much
you love me.