undefined: Favorites

I wrote you a poem
Titled it gravity
For your lack of it
And how that made me want you more
Called the scars in your eyes stability
Those were the only things that remained
I am looking for sand to set my anchor on
This is how i just keep sinking
But you
You were fluidity in motion you were the
Once a week reminder that
Typhoons hit and people change
When my moods were changing tides
On the days my speech was so rapid and my eyes so clear it made everyone want me
Atleast thats how it appeared to me
But for the days when my arms drag me out to sea and you have a hand over these fists begging me to let go of these ******* bricks as you kick
Afraid ill drown us both
And i would
If it werent for the flight in your smle keeping us up
Afloat
I pray you dont drop me for the wight of us both can be too much for you to carry

Nov 2013 undefined

My Skin Belongs To You

Nov 2013 undefined

Mikaila

My Skin Belongs To You

I wonder if you're in his arms right now
And it makes me
Sick.
It's been nearly a year
And it hasn't gotten easier.
It hasn't gotten easier.
It hasn't gotten easier.
It always did wreck me, that I could wake up in the middle of the night
And wonder if you were in bed with him
Right then.
It always destroyed me
Because I never got that.
I never shared that with you.

You...
You were the only person
I ever wanted to sleep with.
And yet
You weren't the first.
You weren't the first.
You weren't the first.
Because you left.

The night it happened
I never told you I cried
Because you weren't the first.
(I wonder if I will cry
Every time.)
I wanted you to think
That I didn't care, that I could do what you did.
But inside
I never felt a thing but empty
And I will always be devastated that
You weren't the first.

And maybe
Maybe you won't be anything
At all,
Maybe I will never be that close to you
Ever.
And that's why nights like this
When I sit alone and wonder
If you are with him
Right
Now
Crush me just like always.
And inside I can feel my bones crack and splinter
Until I'm a pile of twigs and dust
And I change the channel on the television instead
Of splinting them back together.
Because I sort of want to stay crushed.
Because you are still
The only person
I want to be that close to,
The only person
I want to have
All of me.
My skin belongs to you
And to this day whenever anyone else touches me
Part of me secretly wants to push them away.
And I know I will have to live with that
Through your love affairs
Your marriages
Your children
Your divorces
Your choices
Your life.
I will have to live somehow
With that beating right next to my heart
Knocking it out of time, hitting it like a punching bag.

Tomorrow I will notch my chin higher.
Tomorrow I will smile.
Tomorrow I will be strong.
But tonight?
Tonight I don't want to pretend
I'm okay with it.
And no matter how high I turn the volume on the tv,
No matter what I read or listen to or draw or write,
I know that I will not be able to drive from my mind
The skewering thought
That maybe tonight
You are in bed
With him.

Nov 2013 undefined

The darkness of hope

Nov 2013 undefined

Chalsey Wilder

The darkness of hope

The darkness of hopes
Are darker than dreams,
because they're almost dreams
but get crushed more often
They're the crushed dust we walk on
The sand papered bones of our dreams
Bleached white and forgotten in mind, but not in heart
Buried beneath the feet of people who've forgotten and your own
These almost dreams, that are your own fault, dig themselves up from the dead or not so dead and haunt you
Becoming your dark hopes, creating your dark dreams
The darkness of your old hopes brings down your new ones and dims down on your dreams
And the darkness of your hopes will bury you in your forever dark dreams

Nov 2013 undefined

Right Choice

Nov 2013 undefined

-

Right Choice

Being called 'princess' by you
Is the best thing in the world
You're a dream come true
Captivated by your every word
We'll be close again, I promise
Someday, I'll see your pretty face
And I'll think ''I made the right choice''

© Natali Veronica 2013.

Can't wait to get a new phone. Excited. I miss her.

Nov 2013 undefined

shrinking

Nov 2013 undefined

Emily Hammer

shrinking

she went from two servings
to one
to none
hoping someone would notice
but no one did
*-(e.h.)

Nov 2013 undefined

How it Goes

Nov 2013 undefined

Emily Hammer

How it Goes

He fell in love with the way she slightly parted her lips when she was almost asleep
But not quite
He fell in love with the way she wore large glasses for fun
And how she would bite her pinkie to hold in a laugh
The laugh in which he loved
He loved that she had three freckles in a triangle below her left eye
And the way she tilted her head when she was thinking about very important things
He fell in love with her eyes and the way they longed for him
He loved being wanted
He fell in love with the pitter-patter of her feet on their bedroom floor
Because that meant she was thinking too much and he could hold her
And make her fell okay for just a night
He loved being wanted

He loved her for everything she was and everything she was not

He was falling out of love with the drool on her pillow
He thought it was silly she wore large glasses for no reason
And how she always had bite marks on her pinkies
He began to find her laugh very loud too loud and always ringing in his ears
He was falling out of love with the three freckles beneath her left eye
Or was it her right eye?
And he defiantly did not love the way her head was cocked when trying to decide between one ply or two
Or the way she always was looking at him
He hated her clinginess
He fell out of love with the noise she made at night
He never woke up anymore
He hated her desperation

He did not love the little things about her anymore and he was not in love
*-(e.h)

Nov 2013 undefined

I will never fully be recovered

Nov 2013 undefined

Emma

I will never fully be recovered

It has come to the end of my program everybody, Saturday will be the three month mark!
I am finally going home, to my mother, my friends, my old life. finally going home back to where it all began.

I'm going back to my old life. no more daily meetings or special routines, no more smoking areas or 30 minutes of being watched after I eat. no more non-usage of sharp objects or everything else they consider harmful.
saddest thing they cannot take is my fingers or mind. my hands or insecurities
I am so afraid I'll slip. I don't want to end up back where I was
but I'm hoping for the best and believing in myself for once.

I have a disease. Bulimia is my sickness and self-mutilation is my crutch
I've always been so ******* myself, always got into some new addiction or harmful habits.
but this just had to be the worse of all
everyday I carved at my body, leaving little memories
everyday I threw up my insides, wanting to be beautiful
Every **** day
I hated myself.
but I'm better.
it's not much, but I am.
I'm ready for my old life .
I'm scared as ****, but I know this time it'll be different
~

I have learned so much while being here, and I'm so grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. It's been a battle against myself and I will never fully be recovered.
I didn't have any friends while out here or my mom, it's surprising that I only had my brother and hundreds of people I never knew to lean on.
I've been so lost and selfish for so long and I'm finally realizing that I do have people who care. I do have people that I just can't let down
and most importantly,
one of those persons
is
myself.
I want to be happy and I'm willing to try.
I want to be independent so that I can show everybody that I can do this and that I'm ready to move on.
It will most definitely be a struggle, my problems will never go away; however this time, I'm ready to try and be the old me.
I want to be the happy Emma, the smart Emma, the Emma that everyone used to love.
not this sad, sick girl who has taken over.
I will never fully be recovered, but I'm ready to let go and live.
I can do this, I know I can.
Emma can do this, I know she can.

*I will never fully be recovered, but I'm happy and ok.
and that's good enough

not a poem, just so exuberant I'm going home. It's been tough and I'll always have this disease but I've learned a lot these past couple of months and I'm ready.