I've traveled through 45 states these past 4 years, I stayed awake most of last night counting them... I started, in some ways not far from bed where I lie now.
But, in many other ways, where I began seems to be millions of miles away.
I've walked many of those miles unafraid.
Some of those roads, I walked near wishing for death.
But along every path, down every road and across every track, I took you... I took you with me in my mind and in my soul, down every river, and along every shore.

I've written before that I felt lost, "adrift" at sea with no land in sight.
And I think, at times, I wanted nothing more... Nothing more than to remain adrift, and to die.
[Alone]
But now, lately I've begun to see and feel something different... A lighthouse, and beyond rocks, solid ground.

It may turn out to be nothing but sand, but it feels too much like "Hope" often.
I AM feeling also, more and more, that "fear" or Tide and Moon, and the cold loneliness of January night sky, so great and Empty... I'm not certain anymore that I could ever truly make the shore.

This, "Us," Me ....Will never turn out, or end on a happy note, (this isn't a movie), and I Am sorry, at last, for something.
... I am sorry that I may've given up at last.
I may never reach a shore.


I close my eyes, and I'm tumbling over and over and over and over, and over again in my Explorer; boxes bouncing, glass breaking, and it doesn't end.
I'm looking at tile floors through a bluish shade passing beneath me down corridor hallways.
We hit doors that open... And I think of you.

I see myself, skinny and sitting on a bed with wheels, wearing a paper night gown.
I want to raise my hand, in protest, or question, I'm not sure.
But half of my scalp, along with the entire right side of my face, slip quickly off and fall to the floor.

[i wake... and i write]

That's all I know to do anymore.
(Wake, and Write).