i love rain

the way our world feels after,
so refreshed and innocent,
without any need
to pretend

like the blue drops would have erased
the pages of world’s darkest places
finally creating a new chapter
of life  
that allows us to begin again

the smell of petrichor gives me hope

i love everything about rain,
the way the rain drops race down the window pane

the way it nets the sprouts
like a lovely hug
the dark calming color of the clouds
the thunder that sometimes growls
seeming to be the ****
of nature,
but actually is a creator
of something beautiful

the way our world feels after,
so alighted and innocent,
no need to pretend
like the blue drops would have erased
the pages of worlds darkest places together with the pain
finally creating a new chapter
of life  
that allows us to begin again

the smell of petrichor gives me hope

but when help finally allows me to reach out for it,
will i be important enough for myself to accept it?

you were never mine,
i was never fully yours

and never will i ever be,
the reason you keep breathing

for one second i thought
that i finally figured things out

the next second i thought
that i finally could be proud
of me
for once

the second after i thought
that id be finally allowed
to hope again

but then i thought
that it snowed yesterday

i live in spain,
where snow is smt that may be special  for once
but doesn’t
remain

seemed like it got lost somehow
in a territory where it didn’t belong

just like my thoughts that weren’t fitting to my playlist and its usual songs

three seconds

when i say „i’m okay“
my head is empty, just like my soul
i would like to call it a bliss
but at the same time it’s the evidence
for my never ending
lack of control

some outsiders would assume
„it‘s just a bad day“
and i think
i forgot to mention that
i‘m okay
everyday

let your depression soak up all your emotions that are left
in that so called heart
between your ribs

let your blade be the relief of your pain
that is going to be
the only feeling you’ll be left to feel
after the ****** scars finally covered every part of your hips

let your negative thoughts
control your life
until the so called heart eventually shatters into its
toxic broken pieces
which reflect the emptiness
in your eyes
the stony hole in your chest
now lost its ability to fix
your soul

let yourself fully dive
into the process of
slowly
dying
inside

congratulations,
you just lost the ability to feel and unlocked
„survive“

ps: there’s no chance that  you’ll ever again receive your ability to feel

when i say „i’m okay“
i mean that i finally did not
burst into tears over smt
that reminded me of you
today

okay
when i say „i’m okay“
i mean that i did think about putting parts of my skin
instead of my body hair
between the sharp blades of my razor
but did not do it
today
cause i was sick of the ****** flavor
that my tongue
already got used to taste
at the age of eleven
as it all started with my insane behavior
as i first experienced depression
which kept haunting me till
this day

okay

when i say „i’m okay“
my head is empty, just like my soul
i would like to call it a bliss
but at the same time it’s the evidence
for my never ending
lack of control

some outsiders would assume „it‘s just
a bad day“,
and i think
i forgot to mention that
i‘m okay
everyday