I've been thinking about killing myself,
More and more these days.
It scares me less and less to think
This might be the only way.

I've been thinking about killing myself,
The pressure's just too much.
Daily life is really hard
For reasons not quite touched.

I've been thinking about killing myself,
Writing out the notes
In my head, to all my friends,
I'll deliver before I go.

I've been thinking about killing myself,
But I couldn't shed a tear.
Numbness lives inside me now,
Replacing sadness and fear.

I've been thinking about killing myself,
and, truly, I don't think I will.

But I've been thinking about it.

We have been at war, and I think you’ll never stop
Attacking me with feelings, and sharing all your thoughts

Incessantly they fly at me – into my field of vision.
Anger, sadness, shame and fear, now these things have risen.

I fought you hard through day and night, separating wrong from right
Looking for the antidote, I searched and searched, I talked and wrote.

But still you just
Stayed right here
In the dust,
No answers near

You have been my most faithful friend
I guess you’ll be here to the end
My ego, my ball and chain
This is the price of conscious brain

Perhaps acceptance I can find
If nothing else, see and know
The everlasting nature of your bind.

And press on.

I can't win.
I can't beat this worm in my brain that tells me you're only wearing sheep's skin.
That beneath you're a wolf,
a dangerous threat;
And if I don't watch out you might **** me dead.

I can't win.
When I try to see your best side the worm screams the worst.
My attempts to just love you, tarnished by this curse.
And my fear runs wild and my anger festers long
And I don't see the beauty when you're playing your songs.

I can't win, I can't say all the things I want to.
It'll just make it worse between me and you.
Even though I know that you too are in fear
I wish you were better, a friend and a peer.
To others as well. But you only see him.
When I'm around you I just can't win.

Ruminate
About the date
The time and place
Where we were supposed to be together

Why's it hard
I'm not that far
Just commit

I think you're scared
You live in fear
That he will cut you loose

It's no way to live
I can't be your friend
You're obsessed to the point of blindness

At least I'm untangling
The keys are jangling
And soon I'll release my own shackles
I'll soon be free, then you'll see.
And I'll feel like less of an *******.

You made me feel like the most important thing in your world
For a little while

And now I've been replaced by someone else
For a little while

Sometimes you make me think I'll be special to you again
For a little while

But then you pull the rug from under me and I just lay on the ground and fester
For a little while

Well I've been thinking
For a little while
And I'm not sure what to do
Cause when you flash me that little smile
I'll always want to be the one for you

At least for a little while

Often I am tangled in the web
Like a soulless fly awaiting death.
But in this web I’ve found a place to thrive
It catches me so headfirst I will dive.

Thank you for allowing me to share.
Thanks for thumbing up to show you care.
This poem stuff is still brand new to me,
But in it I become a bit more free.

These days I’ve been stuck inside, and the couch is my new bride.
She’s my betrothed and together we watch all my favourite shows.
Through thick and thin, this grey mass of furniture has truly been my biggest win.
And I’ll always vacuum the crumbs from under my *** when I’m done.

Birds of a feather, we spend days together. Pressing ourselves into one another for hours, she’s beginning to fit me like a glove.
Somehow, I know it’s more than gravity and friction that affix me to her embrace.
But is it her love that holds me down, or my inability to self-motivate?

The long, cold nights when everything is quiet, the pizza arrives to annihilate my diet.
She supports me and my pepperoni, never tells me my body’s too round or too bony.
She doesn't judge me for the gin, that's always dripping down my chin.
And I’ve decided to adorn her with a fitted sheet to protect her delicate fibres from my stinky feet.
Because she does so much for me and when I’m on her I feel a bit more free.

I love this couch, we’ve been through it all.
Heartbreak, loneliness, depression and dull.
Though I can’t help but imagine the day I show her a new friend.
When the three of us will hang out: me, the couch and a real human.

Cause I long for a real companion. One to end this long, dark famine.
No offence sofa, my friend, I love you lots but I do hope for the end.

So stick that needle in my arm already, and everyone else’s
Before I legit go nuts and **** this couch.

I can see it now.
Nothing is separate, everything is one and I am it.
You are me and I am you.
And so is that tree, and so is that empty Starbucks cup.
But how do I not forget?
How can I rewire this silly brain to default towards such a party?
It is a party after all – unconditional love. I’ve tasted it.
It doesn’t taste like frogs, I’ll tell you that much.
Frogs might like the taste of it though.
Frogs.
Louis la Grenouille.
The only problem is that once you can see it, even if you don’t remember it all the time, you can still tell that everything means nothing.
Which is a great antidote for shame and fear, but also hope.
I used to hope for a new pair of shoes, but all the stores closed.
Even the frozen yogurt store.
And I miss Charlese who served me my strawberry swirl.
I gave her my number but I think she lost it.
I can see it now.
She didn’t.

Spoiled and corrupted, my love interrupted.
Purity smashed and dirtied and dashed.
What have I done, will she ever come back?

Please undo this seemingly unfixable mess.

Trapped in this house,
It's still not too bad.
But I keep checking my phone
And it's making me mad.

Why can't I care, and want, and fear
A normal amount regarding my peer?
I want her so bad, but do I really?
I think maybe I'm being silly.

Love, love, what the **** is it?
Trapped beneath, beside, behind it.
Afraid, compulsive, depressed, hopeful..
Love is just ******* awful.

The sadness of a room bleeds through its walls and drips down onto the floor.
Vibrancy and melancholy dance circles round one another but never quite touch.
And the hollow whooshing of emptiness emerges from behind, sweeping past my shoulders and ears, reminding me that all is nothing and everything is one.

Every day I go around the world and back
But I never leave my own head.
The thing I fear most,
And my greatest relief,
I'm averse to and crave my own death.

Ants crawling round in a nest of confusion.
Chaos and order;
Messy organization.
Spilling out my ears and onto my lap.
And my heart sinks as I realize I'm almost out of tissues and Raid.

Crisp day, sun shine;
Black death.
Birds chirp, leaves dance;
Despair.
Love blossomed, pleasure realized;
I dig my own grave another foot deeper.

What can stop this incessant ringing?

Like colliding with a mirror in a fun house maze and looking a **** up straight in the face;
Like being wet and cold while completely dry;
Like time has paused at the very worst of moments, and is going in fast forward simultaneously;
Like you’ve never done anything good;
Like your heart is in the wrong place and your mind is filtering anything of value;
Like everyone hates you. And not even a fudge-filled ice cream cake will cheer you up;
Like the opposite of playing with half a dozen golden retriever puppies;
Like a future containing happiness is populated only with flying pigs;
Like being stuck in a crowded shopping mall during an anxiety attack;
Like being rejected by a cat you were trying to pet and everybody saw;
Like death becomes oddly appealing;
Like solving an impossible puzzle under the pressure of a loud, ticking timer;
Like raw pleasure is the only thing that still makes sense but you know it won’t do so for long;
Like your own thoughts are the enemy,
And your outfits are too denimy.
Like you’ve just written a poem and it’s just too ****** silly.