self sabotage
at the end
my tightrope walked
just to **** it all up again
honey, my heart still beats
even though you gnash it
in between your teeth
still got that pumping action
despite the bite marks

i write violent
for a pacifist
and talk harder
hope if i die
****** or suicide
they hold me up
as a martyr
at least my death
would've meant something
i would never do nothing
save for self defense
unless it's to save another
take the bullet for a stranger
i like new experiences
never a hole in the head before
but i've my share of dents
is my head up my ***
am i making sense

take it all back
if i could
do it different
yes i would
cause i can't i seem
to get you out of my mind
think it'd have been better
if you were never there
rewind time
wormhole away
to past days
i'll never love the same now
to you
that's okay
it ain't your fault
things turned out this way

say what you say
i won't be there to listen
you're never there for me
your care is a figment
of disturbed imaginations
come back any day
if you changed
but you don't give a **** to
there's not a thing wrong with you
and turn it around
on some other ****
eight years with you
and of the few times we make plans
you flake
but it's my mistake
toxic, because i'm angry it didn't go my way
small minded thoughts
i'm mad because you don't respect me
say how i feel
but act like you never even asked
if you do
reaching out, my task
like texting back
one missed and
communication is snapped

you don't have to know
what you want
don't worry about it
but we can't be friends
because you don't treat me
like a friend
and boundaries
you haven't heard of them
fin, fin, fin?
one day to begin again?

lol, probably be dead before then

the sooner you get it through your head
that i love you
the better off we'll both be
even if you don't love me
it's a situation like
c'est la vie
sometimes
it's one-sided infatuation
it's all good
but the denial is frustrating

so scared of losing you
but i just want you to leave
would never walk away
but it runs through my head
everyday
cause boyfriends say
how terrible she is
and she can't help but believe
and feed into
all the little lies
******* spun
the twine is pain
the loom is avoidance
and you wear each article with a smile
it hurts to see

you never remember
there's been others
im sorry if september
comes seasons early
but you haven't been the only lover

curly headed idiot too stubborn
had a sister, but she beat on me
like a brother, like my grandfather
what drives the hearts that hurt
i ask, but the only answer i get is
seek cover

hey, it's things i'll get over
licking wounds is a past time
immemorially, since forever
not loving me is no crime
but doing what you have been
while being together
that points to other things
you're smart
read your signs

i guess that's it
cause we both know
how cowardly you are
you can be maimed and marred
and still stay stone faced
without so much as a reaction
though you'll need that
considering you can't help from going back
to that pissant who beats
because he's still of some use to you

I who first stood,
To break with "tribal" norms.

To walk from our perennial forms.

The first to leave only footprints.

honest
i've never felt more the fool
never knew that i could lose
what was never mine

admonish
against overthinking
time not to be smoking and drinking
over planes falling, and ships sinking

a couple lines
to say, i'll be fine

you may not like what has grown
does that give you right to neglect it
or cut it out
have you trimmed it
or tired to shape it
into some work of art
like a bonsai
it's something
that needs tending to

life is already a lot for you
i know
i'm supposed to offer relief
but i just upset you
maybe it's best
you give me a rest
and get on
to living better

Son; As I speak now,
With this voice -
This is liberation.
I have freed my mind,
But for whatever reason
My body is unwilling to follow.
My movements are rote & mechanical;
I am without control.
In this way,
I am one with Nature.
Kept in kinship with the other wild animals.
My movements are not my own,
Directed by instinct & by the forces that govern.

You who are the greatest gift
Which Futures could bestow,
You who your ancestor smiles upon;
The triumph of all our ancestors.
You whose presence is the present.
Whose present is presence;
Free-will,
Self-awareness.

Consciousness;
True cognizance,
Harmonious cognition.

The best.

You who must go with your father,
Who has freed his body but not his mind.
He will liberate it
If he is as compassionate & patient as you have yourself proven.

Please. For I like the other animals
Am still a slave to myself.
Please, end my life
In this way I live it.

I, your loving mother & his royal wife,
Ask you to dream of me -
To hope with me,
This will keep you close to me.

Forget me not,
Untie the knot(s) -
See to it
That all break their binds.

For the love that freed my mind,
Which my body cannot find,
Carry on. Look after my husband,
Time.

ah man
did i upset you
with how i feel
and expressing it
*******
and eat ****
have a brown grin
god knows your nose
is already covered in

once
in the evening
the moon could shine
and it would never match
the bright light you cast

twice
we came close
and i could, almost
feel your warm embrace
at last

thrice
i fooled myself into the belief
there would be relief
to this feeling i expressed
whenever i saw you next

but i won't see you again, will i?

So I guess you meant what you had said
which is fine
it just replays in my head
non-stop, several times a day
i'm just blind
obviously, to the writing right in front of me
or maybe like everyone else
i just choose not to see
or i guess chose
whatever we had
is at a close
i want something more
or something less
it just needs to differ i suppose
i have a feeling i'm talking into the wind though
and you've already moved on
i said i was here
but watch me disappear
be the last to know
once i'm gone

it's limbs
grew out, over shallow water
dims the forest floor
with the sunshine it gathers
leaving ferns to wither
like winter
but only cause you've gone
does this blood
boil hot enough
or do you need to do more
to see it warm
before you'll let me fill your loving cup

the crown prince
what will his son's country look like
his grandson's
a barren dessert?
like his predecessors have predicted
have made some attempts aimed at shifting
like a genocide and slave labor
will these old world tactics
prove worthwhile behavior?

what governs your soul
what gives weight
your actions
as of late
mine is confusion and self protection
before thinking, submitting to reaction
i am lost
in my head
but no clarity
only a fog
and a blank face staring back at me

i hope you're okay
yearning for the day
you wake up
and walk away
walk away from me
and him
yours, the only whims
bending in the breeze
the stress nearly breaking you
it's time to make like the leaves
before your wither
drying at the root
dying
falling limbs

I'm so glad you could make it
to think
it never happened if you had hesitated
you better watch out
it's not life on a cloud
if you choose to live loud

and it's not pride
cause I'm not proud
it's just a visage I wear
a mirage, facade, a shroud

foaming at the mouth
can't let it come out
slowly stop the ache
and live
on the edge

i am a camel
humps swollen
drinking down
so much pain
this distraught face
once happy
now looks like a disgrace
out breaks
of acne
stress induced
you think you're the only one
you've read what i've written
what's the use

i know i said i'd wait
but what am i waiting for
and am i just enabling
pain for you
do you need more
of course
no one asks this ****
or it's something they ignore
when it dawns on you
i'll be the bad actor
and a used up, discarded *****

it's funny
although this is stream of consciousness
outside of this
my thoughts are
very different
complexity, like me, is a mess you see
of course
confusing complexity with messes
is something if you probed, would garner innumerable confessions

if you can't be dramatic with me
then who can you be with
real and honest
to the point of pain
your knife, already driven in
were you to take it out
it would only hurt more
when you plunged it in again

i am sick
you don't need to tell me
i get the hints
i'll quit
barking up your tree
cause you hate me
naturally
i'll try
to wipe clean
any trace
of existing

you want people to be real with you
but you can't stomach the truth
you want to please everyone
but does it please you?
you say you're sad
and unfulfilled
then do something about it
you're just as afraid to live
as you are to ****
keep a dying love going
going on still
silhouette soul
living life without a will

if you read these
i don't know it
i need to talk
though i may not say it
may not show it
i need you
though you already know it

that's the worst

even if you had,
had had my heart
treated it bad
regarded as a fad
moved on at interest's death
not that there was care
anymore, i know it wasn't
a false start
i ruin it all
i sabotage

saccharin saturated smiles
faulty mass produced liars
with platitudes
that wish you well
and actions that say
go to hell
would that satisfy you?
an eternity
in a lake of fire
just to satisfy you
burn me, but of torture I'd tired
like here
mad hags and ranting shrews
angry freaks and cowardly dudes
taking all the abuse
and i can see the hate on their face
but i can't help but smile

d.c.
there's a capitol riot
everything's burning
and yet the senate is quiet
no shots ringing out
now there's the riot
deep battered constitution
they grill it, bake it, fry it

flint
on a diet
water pipes busted
turn on the tap
try it
have a glass on stage
let it touch your lips
lest you digest
what's vile

jade
a stone
hard to crack
especially when
it just lies
or hides
misleads and omits
things convenient
you must actually
think me an idiot

want the people who care
to know how i'm feeling
can't express the words
so i lead them here and
i end up reeling
when they take
every passage and stanza
for fact
instead of feeling

you can be outspoken
but with no platform
it's a virtue signaling
it's a priceless token
with no power
the furnace yearns
only smoking

intrusive thoughts
that won
always held out hope
you'd help me
like i you, with yours
let me flounder
rowed me out
and ditched the oars
like an anchor
i'm a downer
going under

if whispers
could siphon off
even an ounce
of the love
you made me felt
i'd ramble
into the night

till first light
graced my face
and the sky
was lit up

still here, still going
despite not knowing
where
gonna get to where i should
be headed
once it's something that's connected
and clicked
cause my past
is something i can forget

From meditations to communications;
From mediations to resolutions -
It is,
Therefore, I am.

washing machine
twirly whirly whirring
mechanical purring
drown my eyes
watching the water pouring

i have to laugh at times
though i say a lot with this medium
it is chiefly, for me
to work out my thoughts
my head is fraught
and only these rhymes
can say
what i cannot

we need to take
better care of one another
i have no brothers
just a sister and a father
but what about
those with neither
those with no one
who looks out for them
when they fall
never more graceful
than a feather
some get up
some never

you were so young
and full of life
no matter how hard you tried to detach
everytime, you snatched back
the wisps of light
you fostered inside
in spite of the dope
it kept going
your hope
till you up and died
and now i know you
as a tombstone

i have a ****** up past
so do you
what do you want me to do
want from me
to hear me say,
let me know

None of you made us.
None of these brands or industries
Who do not pay their fair share
And move the country in negative directions, have
Bearing on who you are.
Who you say you are,
What you want to be or do.
None of these businesses
That keep you down on the totem pole
And do not hire their own
For higher up positions.
Who do not increase salary to match
Our cost of living.
Those that don't pay a fair share to you,
Because they in turn
Are robbed at the grocery store.
They are influencing you.
But you made you, influence
What you will try to.
Destiny is mine to write,
And I intend to

This is fascism, these are the nazis.
Who would cut out all support
For enforcing a border,
Or making progress on a wall.
Who don't extend the olive branch,
To repair the damage from history
And write new chapters.

This is fascism, these are the nazis.
Who play both sides just to profit,
Who will sell you out just for a couple of dollars.
It's the big money groups, the lobbyists.
Any who have them as donors,
Do not count you among them.

It is stagnation they want,
And inflation is sought
Because it leaves more power in the hands
Of those who control demand
And pits those who rely on supply
Against one another

We focus on fights amongst ourselves
While they tarnish our economy
And step on our rights
That are self-evident & constitutional

i know there's something wrong with me
whatever
there's something amiss with everyone
but everyone leaves
so maybe
i'm just unlovable
voice it, to scrutiny
i get none of you say how you really feel
but i do
doesn't that count for something

i recall, you used to tell
i guess it was a fall, and man i fell
wish it hadn't just been reciprocity
love was what i felt
love gave birth to an atrocity
with how we let ourselves act
it's left it's welts
my ego and pride
cracked with a belt
the scarlet letter of your heart
was the wavering in your voice
i should've been better to you
regret abundant
in my most every choice

these talks
stalling to reorganize
digging themselves in
time to strategize
lick wounds
recoup
wipe the tears
placing pennies on eyes

aw man
that's the only problem
when you actually ask
inside, i'm obliged
to answer honestly

i don't want to worry you
i will be okay

some very sorry people
roam this earth
aimless, blind
theirs faces marked
with an ugly scowl
thoughtless, in binds
chained to their feelings
imprisoned by their mind
consumed with what's hidden inside

The say,
"Profess! Kneel in submission to YOUR Lord, the God!"
I say,
"Confess! What is the name of 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 "God?""

They say,
"Blasphemy!"

I say,
"Yes! Or, at least, close enough.
And close enough is good enough for your believers."

this clockwork device
pumping inside
waves invitation
at any soul
to spur
feeling

to morph me
into a wicked creature
a monstrous creation
nature abhors
this animation