silently crying
driving
the tears come down
welling up
behind my eyelids
streams cut
over the ridges
of my face
smoothly riding

"are you okay, you look like you're going to cry"
yes, yes, i'm fine
why, am i red?
i'm okay i swear
i can breathe
i'm aware
i'm getting choked up
frogs in my throat
it's nothing
don't cry
don't cry
till you get home

cringey stuff
what is it about
my emotions
that i gotta
express them
through this method
say less
in the coming days
shut my mouth
keep my head down
and just stay quiet
until i die
dice roll
snake eyes that cry
next roll, sevens
eleven, slurpees
blueberry ice
nice dreams
chong with the ****
and that makes me cheech
can't never win
gotta stop trying
busted
gambling
love is a high stakes game
leave you
broken, lost, roaming
and rambling
i ain't happy here

i write violent
for a pacifist
and talk harder
hope if i die
****** or suicide
they hold me up
as a martyr
at least my death
would've meant something
i would never do nothing
save for self defense
unless it's to save another
take the bullet for a stranger
i like new experiences
never a hole in the head before
but i've my share of dents
is my head up my ***
am i making sense

take it all back
if i could
do it different
yes i would
cause i can't i seem
to get you out of my mind
think it'd have been better
if you were never there
rewind time
wormhole away
to past days
i'll never love the same now
to you
that's okay
it ain't your fault
things turned out this way

say what you say
i won't be there to listen
you're never there for me
your care is a figment
of disturbed imaginations
come back any day
if you changed
but you don't give a **** to
there's not a thing wrong with you
and turn it around
on some other ****
eight years with you
and of the few times we make plans
you flake
but it's my mistake
toxic, because i'm angry it didn't go my way
small minded thoughts
i'm mad because you don't respect me
say how i feel
but act like you never even asked
if you do
reaching out, my task
like texting back
one missed and
communication is snapped

you don't have to know
what you want
don't worry about it
but we can't be friends
because you don't treat me
like a friend
and boundaries
you haven't heard of them
fin, fin, fin?
one day to begin again?

lol, probably be dead before then

no time to see you
no time to date
no promises
only talk
and little, as of late
your fault
not that
you see it
that way
move on
because minor incidents
are the ruin
of everything

i want you
not these stupid ******* games
so at least
leaving
get that through your brain
that you did this
this is what you gain
loneliness
gnawing
give you
my constant ache

i'm *******
******* off
and don't talk for a week
**** man
i should just walk
this **** is weak
anxious attachment
detach
cause you can't say
anything you mean
and acts
don't back
what you do

i love you
but i can't put my trust in you
with no reasons to

you have actually destroyed me as a person
i was thinking the other day
it really doesn't matter, to you
since you never saw me as one anyway
just your "favorite"

cause i like it
cause i like it
when you cry
it's like ecstacy
for every ounce of pain
you've caused me
i don't want you to die
and prematurely
end your suffering
prolong it all
watch you bleeding,
happiness ain't for me,
stab at beauty
it's reflection is ugly
inside
what you hide
festers faster
than if you hadn't
there was never
a happily ever after

you want to be
my world
end all be all
my God
the deity i swear by

you don't even try

little trees
and water running over
swollen streams
broken dreams
splintered from reality

should they have remained
contained in this head
this infatuation
dirt colored eyes
but tombstone shy

why

prone to self righteousness
stubborn headed
and an indecisive *****

i wanna be a leader
hero complex
riding in lacking context

search through the catalogue
and scan the index
find the best and onto the next

keep the heart close
cause rest isn't for the wicked
no shut eye to begin with

i'm beginning
to believe i lost
who am i

when i began
i was sure i knew
but things never go to plan

sick of chasing
you're the one
that always
runs through my mind

this field
my makeup
reality
is muddled

eyes that echo
dreamy moonlit eves
i have to let go
if i don't i'll drown

leave, and make it
the last time you do
if you come down
i'm goin too

now i think
i'm happier than
i'll ever be
still in misery

that's the best
i can hope for
a loser like me
it's a mystery

why i still live
i appreciate
the love y'all give
but it's *******

so i'm hunting
this bottom is no peak
doubt i find what i seek
but won't catch me fronting

i feel the moss
between my toes
and the mud
i fell into
only minutes earlier

loss, is a cost
we all have to pay
suffering
blood on the window
of the lense
we all see through

on your knees
we'll figure it out
it's okay
and we don't pray
but **** do we wish

and each kiss
means everything to me
i know how much they mean to you
and i never have any
intention to hurt you

and baby
i just want to die

should i give up
on thoughts of us
as us
and not separate

call it bust
and quit
cause i'm ****
and a liar

stressin, cause i'm guessin
every moment
what you do
on fire

desire
is you
and pleasure falls through
no kiss compares

spring breath, for these winter lungs
your warm lips
the feeling of your hair
as i run my fingers

and share
every thought
even if you don't
or care

i come correct
and direct
straight from the heart
can pour out my chest

what's in my head
is a terminal of tracks
trains rushing past
with no destination

procrastination
and set my interal clock
back, one time last
rescind the old, new revisions

forget what came prior
close your eyes
when you tire
so close them, forever

no coming down now
trying to reach you
through the silence
has me wondering how
they did it in the past
back in the day
"simpler" times
of things denied
ages long of repression
regression, into what we were
like is the fashion of the day

i am ready to move on
and let
bygones be bygones
is it abandonment you want
or are afraid of
i honestly ask
is me leaving
what you want
i don't know
i know nothing
just friends?
it's constant communication
which i love
and anger can't stand
if it's on your end
so straighten your twisted wires
and listen to me talk
ad nauseam
are you okay?
no
i'll just ignore it

i can only be bigger
for so long
i have needs
cravings
act on instincts
impulse
grazing

advantage
i always give it
to the other guy
i never need it
even if i do
i carry through

i came down
to visit
a place below my knees
rock bottom
to be
beneath

is it selfish
here, misdirection
did you know
the male seahorse
gives birth
while the fairer ***
just gets to get on with living
what a world
they must see
more color cones
so you know it must be pleasing
leagues under the sea
where did vern learn

to think up all these beautiful things
and keep them to ones' self
forego wealth, you know you could have
or was already yours
knowing you could do more
rash tings, from the emotions
spending, on things i can't afford
i am no better
especially after tonight
i am so much worse
i am horrible

you have no appreciation
for the hell you put me through
and the coals you rake me over
seemingly no conception of them
only what they do to you
you must see me
as nothing more
than water's reflection

just do it, max
just do it, max
just do it, max
just do it

i am sick
you don't need to tell me
i get the hints
i'll quit
barking up your tree
cause you hate me
naturally
i'll try
to wipe clean
any trace
of existing

if you read these
i don't know it
i need to talk
though i may not say it
may not show it
i need you
though you already know it

that's the worst

even if you had,
had had my heart
treated it bad
regarded as a fad
moved on at interest's death
not that there was care
anymore, i know it wasn't
a false start
i ruin it all
i sabotage

love for you is easier
i am glad, i am
myself?
i am broken

*******
*******
you came back
not me
you slice wounds open
and stick in your dilator
you love
to see me bleed

it's all overreaction
but not really

i bet you think
i actually
didn't notice

you don't get to sit there
and complain of assumptions
when you make them yourself
when you pass judgement
and say cold things
and get offended
at you offending me

come on over
and watch me
defecate and replicate
a couple new
younglings

we can **** for hours
and if you're good
just to watch
that's fine,
you weird kind

she smiles
and whispers in my ear
something to make me riled
all the while
just writhe

i guess that's it
cause we both know
how cowardly you are
you can be maimed and marred
and still stay stone faced
without so much as a reaction
though you'll need that
considering you can't help from going back
to that pissant who beats
because he's still of some use to you

jade
a stone
hard to crack
especially when
it just lies
or hides
misleads and omits
things convenient
you must actually
think me an idiot

i am sorry
for you to have known
who i am

if i were brave
i would save
you all the trouble
and stay on my own
let me just be
someone you used to know

let me take you
back into my arms
in hybrid moments

insecure, unsure
i should just **** myself
and get it over with

i am only living for others
it all feels so pointless
it all feels empty

and no one respects me
like everyone hates me
and i hate me

i'm disgusting
and blow up
from the littlest things

i, the fool
**** me

i am a freak
all i do
is hurt the ones i love
and abandon them
and then come back into their lives
to wreck things more
what is wrong with me
i cry and ask
covering my face
and curling into a ball
i have no trust
for my friends
and the love i have
is sick, obviously
i don't believe anyone can love me
i wish
for so much
and how much do i give
how much do i work
is it enough
or anywhere near
i have no idea
i can't see clear
past, my past
it fogs my thoughts
and dogs me
till they're present,
there in the moment with me
and i subcum
i am nothing more
than everything i despise

no spine?
that's what replays
through your mind?
let me give you
more ammo
for sleepless nights
anyone can see through you
when you walk around
and act dead
wake the **** up
nothing is working out for me!
oh-uh, yea, i guess i did spend
all my money
i know the radiator is broke
but look! corset, boots, smoke
at least i can pretend
everything is okay
even if no one believes me
even if everything is falling
apart

you are just such a sham of a person
and you say you live
your life for others
but how much you do for yourself
things that serve your self interest
give it a rest
with the self righteous nonsense
or is your head
so far up your own ***
you think yourself conscientious?

wake up filthy
she says to me
her cigarette smoke
blown in my face
good morning

i hate all the thoughts
i can't stand my
head

water stains
on what remains
of the bed sheets
his arms outstretched
tied to the frame

whips, belts, chains
leather bound
looking astounding
fatal femme
dom dame
inflicting pain with a smile on your face

wish i could wade
your sea of sorrow
offer relief
from the rain of pain
present each day
the only promise
of the morrow

how i'd bleed for you
only cut me dear
so it's something
you're used to
these dead ends
burn them down
like the bridges
and begin again

darlin
i can't recall
was it a rise
or did we fall

stuck your stinger
deep into me
crippled and
shaking

frothing at the mouth
hyperventilating
her voice
commanding me

never more
to see
birds soar

premier, sir
they riot outside
bread shortages
the price of milk
too high

the pumps, president
they're running dry
nary have i seen gas
ever so high,
not in my life

they protest us
who reside in parliament
london has homeless
we exit the union
no plan except for total independence

arrogance
from career politicians
who had no place
pursuing their trade
but they did, anyway

act as though
the people did not put you there
that can be taken
that which was given
as the breath in your body
to leave you winded
gasping for air

i think talk is cheap
and what we've done
thus far
paltry
which is my fault, partly
but the responsibility
falls to us
all together

it's not the individual
rather the system
massive corporations
treated as people
that pollute the waterways
air, soil
the whole of the earth
in every country
running unchecked
the greed keeps us comfy
like electric torture
a knife in the neck

butterflies
turn to moths
like the one that
straddles her abdomen
abaddon
this distance between us
what madness
it inspires inside
the jealous thoughts
obvious lies
i'm glad you think
i'm so great a guy
you never ask
if i lie
or if there are others
maybe it doesn't matter to you
you empty me out
routinely
i can fake the smile
if it does something for you

make me mean it

yuppie ****
think you're an intellectual
cause you say a few fanciful words
recite a few blurbs
of things you misheard
smarter men speak
you wreak
pathetic and weak
and you can barely stand
to look me in the eye
i see right through you
this is no position
you're suited to

i lick my lips
they taste of sky
my head high
in the clouds
but down under
things festered
still bubble
of what
for so long
i had
denied

Charlie Parker plays
and a hot shower runs
steam filling the lavatory
the day
hasn't even begun
and i already regret
making from my bed
there's no sense
in stirring
when i already feel dead

god
i know why my mind
is so warped
but christ
climb back on the cross
and before you do
a favor of you,
heal another sick man?

matchbook
striking
look
igniting
watch the cinders
shining
nicholson
smiling

you're afraid of the fall
i am, the rise
it's nothing we haven't been through before
but in the here and now
the lies all die
if only, for your embrace
it was worth the ride

i **** on company time
cause they pay me
pennies to dimes
and if i can't
squeeze it out
fast enough
you're gonna shout
and do what?
hey get loud
i understand
i understand
the pain in the bowels
check it at the door
like the ache, in the hands
want of the finer
ideas of flowers
and a boss,
not an automaton,
but a man
i know
want a job done right?
take it into your own hands

idle spring
the vision of her,
idyllic.

comparatively
it's all nothing
your mood can vary,
mine does not.
make **** look simple,
with a mind
that could ****,
but you don't scare me.
wish you were just
totally open
but i get it
i still can't
help from hoping

can't help but laugh
at the people that detract
simply from being offending