no, i care
but i have to end this
and thoughts of you
because
it's not a love you wish to pursue

i'm glad
i got to see you light up
and smile
even if it was brief

i don't have animosity
or anymore resentment
girls will be boys
boys will be girls
it's a mixed up
messed up
world

vain, narcissistic, materialistic
addicted to pain
playing around with
different sexes
and i love her
bright are the stars
dark is the sky
and even though they shine
it doesn't matter much to me

i got something to say
words that aren't mine
sweet lovely death
lovely death
one last caress
and you can
claim this carcass
another cadaver
for your collection

i was never someone to you
i was something

i've censured myself
and censored myself
over what others might think
what those i love might
for their worry
their judgement
for pride

cut me down
to pieces
with your
half baked love,
your heart of dough
will it ever rise?

you're a broken person


and i hope you mend

this thin veneer
i hide behind
is broken
but for a question
as to it

not that anyone
cares to make anyone else,
uncomfortable,
asking what's real

scour the score
the poetry that liters
from hearts forlorn
imagining
you're reaching out to me

in disguise
an angel weeps
having fooled even herself
in thinking she had fallen from

i am a hard man to love
not taken to it easily
and falling out of it,
just as difficult

scrolling
past things that mean nothing
and do nothing
in the ways and means
of entertainment or pleasure
or even interest
and all food is gruel
tasteless, mealy gruel
i have meaning
i know myself
i know what i'm working toward
but what good does that do
for bills
for positions still out of my reach
simply by merit, or connection
competent, and true to a fault
smart?
i can't figure anyone else out though

i don't want this
choking down *****
why do you make me feel like this
i don't want to part
i don't want to say goodbye
but you don't want
to be apart of my life

it was easier
as kids
i didn't let
my mind get overrun
with what could be
but not now
when we can be
but it's me

does it come out wrong for you
it comes out wrong for me
but i try to take the time
to mend what i say
into what i mean
but you never did
so i stopped
and let it all jet
out long

i am full of red flags
the difference between you and i
is i look at you
and see them too
but i can still look beyond them

went to the gallery
i'd shown you
it was nice
you would like it
was all i could think

i don't care about your man
or blowing me off
just need you
can't you understand

i am sorry
i'm not mature enough
to appreciate your situation
and you are too immature
to get out of it
both still kids,
who feel too strongly,
with longing

i am so lonely

a lot of times
i feel i need to prove myself
constantly trying to
improve myself
and lose myself
in pursuing
maybe i need
more focus on my health

i can do it

friends, family, strangers
can insult and badger me
and it doesn't do all that much
maybe a little red in the face
but i address it
i don't know what it is about you
but i can't stand it
to stand up to you
but now
treatment demands it
and you will do what you do
although i obsess over you
and love you
and the loss feels only as my own
i know you're losing too

i'm upset
because of x
no
actually
you always get angry at y
anyways
i'm upset

loved you
for over half a decade
i've never gotten what i've wanted
who i've wanted
and you think i'm upset
because of some boyish *******
of impatience

when you
don't get what you want
you get kind of mean,
you think being mean
is the best thing
to do
if I upset you
and that's been a thing
throughout the entirety
of me
knowing you

you are ready to detach
at any moment's notice
and show
no care
to it
even though
it hurts
you say all these things
but they're just words
where's your actions
but it's all on me right

my episodes don't matter
my feelings on the matter
whether they differ
they're wrong
and i'm
the sadder one

the nihilist says
she prolonged the inevitable
the pessimist says
just do it
and the optimist
is happy
for all you did

and opened up
so many wounds
why talk anymore
say anymore
wrestling breath from this body
and puking forth
vile thoughts
cause i have episodes too
cause my life is stressful too
not that you would know

i'm here
always here
you could reach out
if you cared
god
i wish you would

Paul, John, Joseph, Joe, Jill
mention every name
don't ever know
why time
is better spent with them

brotha man
get the **** out of my way
not in a mood
to talk today
hell, don't even look at me
if you have to
here's what to say

**** yourself

found your daddy yet?
cause i got a me ****
and her son loves me
and her man is oblivious
he's nice but
he's just an idiot
leavin her unsatisfied
wants me to give her
another kid
yea well um uh
you see
i don't know
if that's me
keep clapping them cheeks though
could go for weeks
between and below
think you're a ******
i'm a freak

staying up
milking it
but you don't
see me
as a joke
right

lionheart
of literature
how long have you stood
in the background of my life
your drawings,
they all have their backs turned
hiding their faces

central park
midnight
can't stand
to be in others' sight

first school dance, six
having "***" next
and driving at eight
staying up all night
on the job site
and now i cough black
coke, lsd, psilocybin, ****
scratches down his back
wreaking of *****
ah, to be sixteen
partying
in misery, in poverty
but youth has that specialty
of feeling free
even chained
and schooltime
i didn't try
and did a slight bit
above average
**** if i applied myself
thought i deserved the scholarships
offered
instead of scoffing
getting higher
than everest
wow
my problems have consumed me

i want this to stop

this is not my world
or my people
freak on the outside
and when you get a glimpse
through the peephole
see what i hide
find out it's just as
ugly on the inside
3005
ain't no one
like you
in this life
no one has it figured out
deep seeded insecurities
full of doubt
when i look at you
i see you
when you look at me
you see what i see
and i hate me
so it's just as easy
to hate through
that lense
and your perspective

don't care now
if you worry
what was the point
kept things from you
cause i didn't want you to freak
but now i smoke joints
and think
your reaction
would be a fraction
compared to mine
would've got it through my mind
earlier, how little you care for people
or friends
whatever i was

car living
hard living
waking up scared
cause someone's yelling
random *** street
don't recognize a thing
unconscious but gotta remain aware

like youth
no use
trying to get real
shut eye, not that i can
insomniac ****** on demand
people pleaser *****
since i was ten

it's just trauma
you don't wanna know me
i don't wanna wake
from this dream
and now
i just wanna
close my eyes

i still think the world of you
despite the fact
you're "toxic"
you're just unavailable
to love
to me
oh well
i'd be your friend
but there's no end
to your problems
and never time for mine
or just to converse
like we used to
what do i do
when reaching
is teaching me
that pain is
all you can promise

i guess i got a problem
being on
my own lately
hate me

still wanna blow your back out
make you shake
eat it all up
holler my name
grab my hair
ride my face
pull my hips
choke you out
and throw it in the air
hear you shout

hearing your voice more
would've been enough

the first time we touch
remind me not
to mark you
he might notice
and that'd be awkward
word
not like this isn't
now
how you do switch
with ease
turn off your feelings
cold freon
gonna be an eon
waiting to feel
like i could love again

***** around i guess
with old flames
until then
while they look
for the same thing
hang on
until desire is quenched
or i'm hanging
swingin'
higher and higher
keep on
higher and higher

can i
this mental block
is crazy
emptiness that fills
the void
inside
this cavity
that only grows
talent to please
but where's my appeasement
i invite relief
from lazy, uncaring parties
and get upset
when they prove what i was thinking
what you got
that i don't know
that makes you
so superior

narcissist
was scared to upset her
now i let her
despite how much it hurts
cause she's always in pain
i am hurting more now
than before
maybe i'm worse
who the hell knows

intrusive thoughts
that won
always held out hope
you'd help me
like i you, with yours
let me flounder
rowed me out
and ditched the oars
like an anchor
i'm a downer
going under

no one
i know
likes you
when you're the topic of talk
faces turn sour
with scowls
cause they say
you don't treat me well
unwell
possibly all about
herself
try for so long
but in the end
all i did
was harm
to myself
i relent
letting you go
who knows
if this feelings goes too
please
make sure it do
half of me thinks
you want it so
i never get over you
it's moot
like soot
this friendship leaves
on my brow
cause it just feels like work
burning, just to see me hurt
and i do it too
good luck with things
since you don't keep friends
loose ends
why not just take me out

if whispers
could siphon off
even an ounce
of the love
you made me felt
i'd ramble
into the night

till first light
graced my face
and the sky
was lit up

everyone is her
everything said
is something she wrote
i'm a fool
but you are too
good
maybe separate
we'll learn something
a call away
hop and skip
but i know
i'll never see that day
nice while i could
stomach being the only
one to care
no longer stand
the empty things you say
leave me drained
i understand
you're not a player right
you just crush a lot
top, but i feel like
i'm getting ******
all my life
the worst people
been my destruction
and my own
everyday betrayals
layers of
dis-function

this is hell
i think you will always have my heart
i want you to have it
but it does nothing for you
and you can't love me
so it's wasted