I'm a hillbilly ******,
on my back a monkey.
I'm not really addicted.
I medicate my afflicted.
I limp and moan and cry.
I hurt my back, no lie.
I kneel before the nurse,
pinky swear I'm worse.

I was a hippie in 1969.
A long haired barefoot
freak with yellow stains
on my white carpenter jeans.
I had a lover like no other.
She bumped around my brain
like a pinball machine in pain.
I wonder how she's doing now.

My life is not a page
full of pretty poetry
more like fire of rage
Hiroshima imagery
molten hearts boiled tears
flowers were never grown
countless wasted years
lives were never known.

I'm trying to keep us alive
in this fascists world who
**** those who disagree,
Jews, Catholics, Negroes.

Adolf ****** loved the Jew
Charlie Chaplain. Who knew?
His mustache proudly wore,
he woke the sleeping world.
Allies bombed his bed
suicide with Eva dead.

I'm a catcher in the rye.
I protect you from it all.
I need your purity to
ride wooden horses on
the carousel and reach
for the brass ring and
you might fall or not.
I fell into madness.
Wear my flannel cap. Don't
ever forget me, Phoebe.

Holden Morrisey Caulfield
     Phoebe Josephine Caulfield

I.
retching
stretching
kvetching
fetching
leching

II.­
I'm ready to die.
bullet in my eye.
just say goodbye.
angels learn to fly.
lovers learn to cry.

III.
sleep on empty skies
catch the catcher in the rye
make him tell us the why
we know he always lies
keeps Phoebe from cliffs

I'm just my own dichotomy.
Hold me in your fist like mercury
I'll slip between fingers on the floor,
quicksilver you're wanting more.
I need to taste your secret garden.
I leave it empty. I beg your pardon.
I always starve for youth's pleasure,
old pirate wanting buried treasure.

This isn't a game of Rugby!
This is life or death war and
we have to hold the line or
we perish buried by dawn
bits and pieces here and there
under the mortar's aftermath.

The worst part of living
   is the empty part that I
   can never seem to fill no
   matter what I try to be.
   friend, lover,
   father, brother.
   Alice, share your pills
   and jam and puffs of smoke.
   Cheshire cat is too cool
   twins play at being fool.
   How can I fill this empty
   palace that no one can rule?
There's a rabbit hole in my heart
where all my lovers finally go.

I wrote you a poem
  saying I was alone
  imagine us holding
  hands walking along
  cobble stone streets
  look in shop windows
  ready for Christmas
  I buy your sweet time.

Where dreams come true.
   Good always conquers evils.
   Heroes ride white horses
   into the Hollywood Hills.

I'll pray to my God
   complain to my devil
   and get no sympathy
   from any false alarm.
   Carry your own bags
   to the Holocaust we
   refused to believe
   black wings block
   the light and load
   us into box cars
   tear gold teeth
   from our corpses
   **** our beauties
   life is indifferent
   some find paradise
   some welcome death.

I know I should repent but I
  gave that up long ago, like
  candy for Lent. Mortal
  sins have been my savior.
  We bumped Ugly's drunk,
  fell in love a week to savor.

Where can I set my pain fears
so as not to upset an apple cart?
I ran away in desperate tears
bleeding out from the start.
6 Alcott Lane disappears
the homecoming heart.

She came home to storms
Mom and dad locked horns
compromise was lost
never mind the final cost
the tree was just naked
presents nowhere seen
used to be sacred
captured in between.

I'm cool unkempt a mess
haven't bathed in weeks
rich kids think I'm rad
poor kids think I reek
I live under a freeway
with loud parked cars
better than gunfire
in my masters' wars.

Brick piled on brick in my life 'til
  I had no choice. I joined. I trained.
  I killed. I saw my brothers killed.
  I found a piece of heaven in ******.
  A respite from the hell I lived.
  I served 3 tours and landed home.
  I hugged my parents, but not real
  like. I felt nothing. I needed drugs
  and found a dealer who welcomed me
  home with a soldier's discount.
  I was numb and saw the horror just
  beyond my ****** vision. I lost
  hope long ago and will live a slight
  life until I find the courage to die.

Homesick

  When did my childhood
  disappear? When did I
  really notice girls and
  dress for their glances?

  When did we tie us in knots
  and end with child, married
  and I was crying, homesick
  not quite ready for this?

  At the drive in movie you
  dried my tears. We carried
  on to our cliched future. We
  split not knowing the why.

  Years have let it all play out.
  Many different players yet so
  alike. The parts don't change.
  I'm homesick for everything.

Years have let it all play out.
  Many actors  the same worn line.
  The parts don't change that much.
  I'm homesick for every piece of time.

God's first heartbeat in His womb
of universe's certain fiery start
an instant I lived my giant life
forgotten with my stillborn  heart.

Why did I lose your love?
Was I too needy or weak?
Just let a push be a shove
was I afraid to speak?
Did I bury your want?
Was it my mother?
Was she too blunt?
Was she a smother?

Let me be an honest beast
when we eat an angry feast
of girls begging for pleasure
pirates can't resist treasure.

Do you still desire me?
In a different way now.
A beautiful woman
just fatter somehow.
Can't lose baby weight,
can't stop eating candy
carrying extra freight
big **** you're handy.

I died. Doesn't matter how.
Behind a ***** or a plow
Don't kneel at my grave
sing loud hallelujah brave.
My life has been a dying
of the broke vows lying.

Hawaii honeymoon
my bride
lost in a riptide
won't see her anytime soon.

I sold my soul for a woman before.
  I turned my back on love for lust,
  a black heart tarnished white knight.
  I want you so badly now. I can't trust
  wild haired beauty singing from rocky
  shores drawing me closer every night.
  I'm no saint. I've starved for years and
  smell your feast hungering for a taste.  
  I feel death's cold breath on my neck
  my body shrinking, skin like paste.
  I'm old and set in ways like stone.
Lie with me naked. I won't die alone.

They wear painted faces and perfume
and little else. They parade on Sunset Blvd.
Boys afraid of real romance gawk and slow
and pull to the curb. After, they return them
and thank them. They fell in love for a moment.
At 4 am the girls laugh and cry at the diner.

They wear painted faces and perfume
  and little else. They parade on Sunset Blvd.
  Boys afraid of real romance gawk and slow
  and pull to the curb. After, they return them
  and thank them. They fell in love for a moment.
  At 4 am the girls laugh and cry in the diner.

Wizards of Oz exist.
Toto leads our resist.
Truth will Trump lies,
open up sleepy eyes.
Save souls in the tent
sacred snakes for rent.

A **** Pope
Lynching rope
Candy dope
Cancer soap.
Drunk talker
Kid's stalker.

Angels bleeding in the night
after their morning's flight
cry angel tears as we fight
addiction's horrible delight.

It's a grand adios
taking your dose
of the morphine
softens the scene.
Visit first lover.
Your dead mother
begs your mercy
father so angry
in war's terror
a simple error
over and over
blood in clover
float in a dream
last shot unseen.

Boys play at growing up and shaving.
     Girls bleed into the women we desire.
     I smelled you bee to honey a craving
     you set my little world a madman fire
     Love a solemn hymn on the black keys
     in church before humanity we swear
     kneeling on painful wood on knees
     have hold better worse hospice care.

I just want to go home
  and die in peace alone.
  In my bed and pillows,
  not the sterile gallows.
  My Quincy cat will purr.
  I give treats. I hold her.
  She sees me with one eye
  and purrs loudly as I die.

You'd never believe what I saw.
Staring into the gaping maw
I saw Rusty's puppy paw
took him in my heart raw.
He died on the 4th of July
bombs exploding in the sky
I held him tight and knew,
it broke our hearts in two.

I walked into your room
morphine alarms in tune
you in brilliant dreams
mouthing lover's screams.
I left you to your death
back after final breath.

Hospice room's machines
a healthy noise harmony
song of the Opera queens
perfect pitch is the irony.

The end is always near
morphine drip constants
dreams of lovers so dear
death gets what it wants.

The final absolute end
with her infinity reach.
Flowers mourners send
Hymn a buzzard screech.

We exchange our vows
blindfolded hostages
shotgun wedding crows
wedding bed a birdcage.
Never more to carouse
pregnant bride of mine
we rent our tiny house
play at marriage time.

I'll throw my lived out life in
  a duffel bag to carry another mile
  to another Hostel I'll call home
  greet strangers with a phony smile.
  Please don't ever forget my noise
  I was here no matter the little while.

I wanted to make you proud.
Your first born boy namesake.
March 23,1949. You were back
from war nerves on edge and
work was scarce and you kept
exploding in rage and we all
vibrated with fear and felt
your pain and war's hell and
pitied and loved you always.
Mom closed the windows in
summer so the neighbors
wouldn't hear and we went
to our rooms and mastered
the art of disappearing.

I wanted to make you proud.
Your first born boy namesake.
March 23,1949. You were back
from war nerves on edge and
work was scarce and you kept
exploding in rage and we all
vibrated with fear and felt
your pain and war's hell and
pitied and loved you always.
Mom closed the windows in
summer so the neighbors
wouldn't hear and we went
to our rooms and mastered
the art of disappearing.

I'm ****** and Genghis Khan
Chuck Manson and Joe Stalin
I'm the monsters under beds
evil clowns coming up stairs
who denied Christ thrice and
left my kids in an orphanage
while I ****** a fallen nun
in Boston. I was saved against
my will. Shrinks gave me pills
to keep hell's hounds at bay.

My sand is almost spent
hope for time to repent
forgive broken humanity
the scars of our futility.

I bought some gasoline.
I bought kitchen matches.
I went home once more
looking for my childhood.
Scary and pure pleasure
in innocent treasure.
Set fire to ancient wood
ashes bury all they could.

I've nothing left to understand
   that makes this any more real
   so we can both pretend it matters
   living inside our life of cards.

   On the wall in graffiti in the
   stall I spot God's truth. We live
   inside a clock. Wheels keeps turning.
   Gears align. Time keeps ticking.

My mirror hates me.
It never lies it shows
my horrible imperfections
at every angle with lights
hard or soft or darkness.
My ankles are fat and my
feet are caveman's feet.
I hear my lover's voice,
"You have a flabby ***".
Your face is wide. You
have tiny eyes. No lips.
No hips, like a boy.
I'm 10 in Daddy's room.
Touch. I remember touch.

We knew all along
we weren't happy but
neither had the will to
start over for another
bout another fight
sick of endless rounds
with no KO's just punch
drunk slurs and morning
shame and mute rituals.
Amazing how good we became,
amnesia and kiss off to work.
Who knows where the time goes?
Will either of us have a shred
of life left when the other finally
dies to lie naked with a stranger
just to sleep with your memory?

Heart attack.
  Stroke.
  Cancer ate me.
  Suicide.
  Overdosed.
  Murdered.
  Bullied.
  Abandoned.
 ­ Dingo ate me.
  Aborted at birth.

Ginsberg's Howl
  The Poets vow
  Gulls squawk
  Gossips talk
  Allen's strange
  Seasons change
  Drunks stumble
  Empires crumble

We are old wolves
howling at tonight's
full moon starving
for yesterday's feast.
We gnaw spent bones,
dream of better days.