I'm just my own dichotomy.
Hold me in your fist like mercury
I'll slip between fingers on the floor,
quicksilver you're wanting more.
I need to taste your secret garden.
I leave it empty. I beg your pardon.
I always starve for youth's pleasure,
old pirate wanting buried treasure.

This isn't a game of Rugby!
This is life or death war and
we have to hold the line or
we perish buried by dawn
bits and pieces here and there
under the mortar's aftermath.

The worst part of living
   is the empty part that I
   can never seem to fill no
   matter what I try to be.
   friend, lover,
   father, brother.
   Alice, share your pills
   and jam and puffs of smoke.
   Cheshire cat is too cool
   twins play at being fool.
   How can I fill this empty
   palace that no one can rule?
There's a rabbit hole in my heart
where all my lovers finally go.

I wrote you a poem
  saying I was alone
  imagine us holding
  hands walking along
  cobble stone streets
  look in shop windows
  ready for Christmas
  I buy your sweet time.

Where dreams come true.
   Good always conquers evils.
   Heroes ride white horses
   into the Hollywood Hills.

I'll pray to my God
   complain to my devil
   and get no sympathy
   from any false alarm.
   Carry your own bags
   to the Holocaust we
   refused to believe
   black wings block
   the light and load
   us into box cars
   tear gold teeth
   from our corpses
   **** our beauties
   life is indifferent
   some find paradise
   some welcome death.

I know I should repent but I
  gave that up long ago, like
  candy for Lent. Mortal
  sins have been my savior.
  We bumped Ugly's drunk,
  fell in love a week to savor.

She came home to storms
Mom and dad locked horns
compromise was lost
never mind the final cost
the tree was just naked
presents nowhere seen
used to be sacred
captured in between.

I'm cool unkempt a mess
haven't bathed in weeks
rich kids think I'm rad
poor kids think I reek
I live under a freeway
with loud parked cars
better than gunfire
in my masters' wars.

Brick piled on brick in my life 'til
  I had no choice. I joined. I trained.
  I killed. I saw my brothers killed.
  I found a piece of heaven in ******.
  A respite from the hell I lived.
  I served 3 tours and landed home.
  I hugged my parents, but not real
  like. I felt nothing. I needed drugs
  and found a dealer who welcomed me
  home with a soldier's discount.
  I was numb and saw the horror just
  beyond my ****** vision. I lost
  hope long ago and will live a slight
  life until I find the courage to die.

Homesick

  When did my childhood
  disappear? When did I
  really notice girls and
  dress for their glances?

  When did we tie us in knots
  and end with child, married
  and I was crying, homesick
  not quite ready for this?

  At the drive in movie you
  dried my tears. We carried
  on to our cliched future. We
  split not knowing the why.

  Years have let it all play out.
  Many different players yet so
  alike. The parts don't change.
  I'm homesick for everything.

Years have let it all play out.
  Many actors  the same worn line.
  The parts don't change that much.
  I'm homesick for every piece of time.

God's first heartbeat in His womb
of universe's certain fiery start
an instant I lived my giant life
forgotten with my stillborn  heart.

Why did I lose your love?
Was I too needy or weak?
Just let a push be a shove
was I afraid to speak?
Did I bury your want?
Was it my mother?
Was she too blunt?
Was she a smother?

Let me be an honest beast
when we eat an angry feast
of girls begging for pleasure
pirates can't resist treasure.

Do you still desire me?
In a different way now.
A beautiful woman
just fatter somehow.
Can't lose baby weight,
can't stop eating candy
carrying extra freight
big **** you're handy.

I died. Doesn't matter how.
Behind a ***** or a plow
Don't kneel at my grave
sing loud hallelujah brave.
My life has been a dying
of the broke vows lying.

Hawaii honeymoon
my bride
lost in a riptide
won't see her anytime soon.

I sold my soul for a woman before.
  I turned my back on love for lust,
  a black heart tarnished white knight.
  I want you so badly now. I can't trust
  wild haired beauty singing from rocky
  shores drawing me closer every night.
  I'm no saint. I've starved for years and
  smell your feast hungering for a taste.  
  I feel death's cold breath on my neck
  my body shrinking, skin like paste.
  I'm old and set in ways like stone.
Lie with me naked. I won't die alone.

They wear painted faces and perfume
  and little else. They parade on Sunset Blvd.
  Boys afraid of real romance gawk and slow
  and pull to the curb. After, they return them
  and thank them. They fell in love for a moment.
  At 4 am the girls laugh and cry in the diner.

They wear painted faces and perfume
and little else. They parade on Sunset Blvd.
Boys afraid of real romance gawk and slow
and pull to the curb. After, they return them
and thank them. They fell in love for a moment.
At 4 am the girls laugh and cry at the diner.

Wizards of Oz exist.
Toto leads our resist.
Truth will Trump lies,
open up sleepy eyes.
Save souls in the tent
sacred snakes for rent.

A **** Pope
Lynching rope
Candy dope
Cancer soap.
Drunk talker
Kid's stalker.

Angels bleeding in the night
after their morning's flight
cry angel tears as we fight
addiction's horrible delight.

It's a grand adios
taking your dose
of the morphine
softens the scene.
Visit first lover.
Your dead mother
begs your mercy
father so angry
in war's terror
a simple error
over and over
blood in clover
float in a dream
last shot unseen.

Boys play at growing up and shaving.
     Girls bleed into the women we desire.
     I smelled you bee to honey a craving
     you set my little world a madman fire
     Love a solemn hymn on the black keys
     in church before humanity we swear
     kneeling on painful wood on knees
     have hold better worse hospice care.

I just want to go home
  and die in peace alone.
  In my bed and pillows,
  not the sterile gallows.
  My Quincy cat will purr.
  I give treats. I hold her.
  She sees me with one eye
  and purrs loudly as I die.

I walked into your room
morphine alarms in tune
you in brilliant dreams
mouthing lover's screams.
I left you to your death
back after final breath.

We exchange our vows
blindfolded hostages
shotgun wedding crows
wedding bed a birdcage.
Never more to carouse
pregnant bride of mine
we rent our tiny house
play at marriage time.

I'll throw my lived out life in
  a duffel bag to carry another mile
  to another Hostel I'll call home
  greet strangers with a phony smile.
  Please don't ever forget my noise
  I was here no matter the little while.

I wanted to make you proud.
Your first born boy namesake.
March 23,1949. You were back
from war nerves on edge and
work was scarce and you kept
exploding in rage and we all
vibrated with fear and felt
your pain and war's hell and
pitied and loved you always.
Mom closed the windows in
summer so the neighbors
wouldn't hear and we went
to our rooms and mastered
the art of disappearing.

I wanted to make you proud.
Your first born boy namesake.
March 23,1949. You were back
from war nerves on edge and
work was scarce and you kept
exploding in rage and we all
vibrated with fear and felt
your pain and war's hell and
pitied and loved you always.
Mom closed the windows in
summer so the neighbors
wouldn't hear and we went
to our rooms and mastered
the art of disappearing.

I'm ****** and Genghis Khan
Chuck Manson and Joe Stalin
I'm the monsters under beds
evil clowns coming up stairs
who denied Christ thrice and
left my kids in an orphanage
while I ****** a fallen nun
in Boston. I was saved against
my will. Shrinks gave me pills
to keep hell's hounds at bay.

My sand is almost spent
hope for time to repent
forgive broken humanity
the scars of our futility.

I bought some gasoline.
I bought kitchen matches.
I went home once more
looking for my childhood.
Scary and pure pleasure
in innocent treasure.
Set fire to ancient wood
ashes bury all they could.

I've nothing left to understand
   that makes this any more real
   so we can both pretend it matters
   living inside our life of cards.

   On the wall in graffiti in the
   stall I spot God's truth. We live
   inside a clock. Wheels keeps turning.
   Gears align. Time keeps ticking.

My mirror hates me.
It never lies it shows
my horrible imperfections
at every angle with lights
hard or soft or darkness.
My ankles are fat and my
feet are caveman's feet.
I hear my lover's voice,
"You have a flabby ***".
Your face is wide. You
have tiny eyes. No lips.
No hips, like a boy.
I'm 10 in Daddy's room.
Touch. I remember touch.

We knew all along
we weren't happy but
neither had the will to
start over for another
bout another fight
sick of endless rounds
with no KO's just punch
drunk slurs and morning
shame and mute rituals.
Amazing how good we became,
amnesia and kiss off to work.
Who knows where the time goes?
Will either of us have a shred
of life left when the other finally
dies to lie naked with a stranger
just to sleep with your memory?

Heart attack.
  Stroke.
  Cancer ate me.
  Suicide.
  Overdosed.
  Murdered.
  Bullied.
  Abandoned.
 ­ Dingo ate me.
  Aborted at birth.

We are old wolves
howling at tonight's
full moon starving
for yesterday's feast.
We gnaw spent bones,
dream of better days.

Ginsberg's Howl
  The Poets vow
  Gulls squawk
  Gossips talk
  Allen's strange
  Seasons change
  Drunks stumble
  Empires crumble

A long hair bearded man sits on a toilet
reading poetry by Whitman and Frost
and Auden and Elliot and Dylan Thomas.
He works night shift as a janitor in
1956 and the beats are screaming for truth.
He saw the best minds crawling
through the city streets at dawn
looking for an angry shot of speed.
He wrote truth on Howl's page
plant the ugly seeds of rage.
A Bible for the changing Age
sings his hymn on a sacred stage.

I want to Howl like Ginsberg.
  Shock you with the ugly truths
  slap your face with my ****.
  I want to be arrested like
  Lenny Bruce for blue comedy.
  Ride the rails and be a Beat Poet
  while I wring every ounce out.
  I want to suffer 'til I can puke
  it onto the page at 3 am and
  ring your bell and hold on
  all night and wake sane again.
I seek truth in needles. I Howl!

Ginsberg's Howl is full of
   people and places, food, music,
   suicides, ***, madness, drugs
   and unusual language. Earth.
   He landed here from the moon
   and cracked the poet's world in 2

   I write of *** madness drugs
   and reluctant blessings from
   those doomed to love me always
   Let us dance on the head of a pin
   and vanish in a puff of smoke
   while they all lose their minds.

I'm not sure which of us is dead.
  One alive in the other's head.
  Underage found our way to beer.
  Young drunks toast without fear.

  We have Gramps show the way
  how men live brutal day to day
  without complaint in silent pain
  through time it's always the same.

  We visit in bars at end of day.
  My time machine is Chardonnay.
  We remember and laugh too loud!
  See you in tomorrow's drunk cloud.

I'll die like we all should. No drama.
I'll leave things unsaid and apologies
never mentioned and sorrow and joy
flotsam and jetsam left forgotten.

If I knew how to live a life
my daughter would talk to me.
She left me dead like a ghost.
Neither of us can actually be
the best of ourselves the most
forgiving. Please set us free.

I desperately need a manual for it!
I've failed miserably at Love.
I tried harder at it than anything.
It's more complex than Biology and
Chemistry and high school Latin.
I would copy Aphrodite's test.
Is there Cliff Notes for How to Love?
Don't confuse it with Lust which I often do.
Lust is so easy. There are no vows for Lust.
None are required. We all Lust endlessly
day to day everywhere we go; grocery, PTA,
church, confession, the loo, AA meetings.
The rich with mistresses might have it right.
I'm of modest means and want to want my wife.
I think the world of her, I'm in awe of her!
I wish I were blind. I would desire her anew.

I don't know how to save a life.
Yours or mine life of any kind.
Fragile hearts will die by knife
cut wrists until they bleed blind.

Read it like a ****** having ***.
It means something different to
each of us. It can be painful or
funny or full of **** or falling
like Alice down the rabbit hole.
It can mean different things at
different times and circumstance.
It makes us feel in a Chemo Life.

Read it like a ****** having ***.
It means something different to
each of us. It can be painful or
funny or full of **** or falling
like Alice down the rabbit hole.
It can mean different things at
different times and circumstance.
It makes us feel in a Chemo Life.