Bette Mann doesn't exist.
The world's a lesser place
without her fierce resist.
We will never replace.

When your shrink pays a *****
   he swears is his wife
   you pay by the hour
   his pills keep me sane
   my eye always burns
   my psyche always yearns
   for truth not found on couches
   answers asked as if he knows.

I wandered so off course I didn't
  even recognize myself. A stranger
  I feared. What was I willing to
  destroy? Was anything sacred?
  Children? Wives? Family at all?

  I gladly sent the church to hell.
  Empty platitudes and all the rest.
  I never trusted holier than thou.

  I was saved by angels. Women who
  cared enough to approach my heat.
  It was warm but sometimes caught
  fire and burned out of control.

  They showed me my north star.
  I found my way back home then.
  No happily ever after. Never.
  Regained a foothold with my kids.
  That was enough. We love on and on.
  The angels still come around.

Cousin Mike more than a brother over years.
You had *** at 14. I kissed them made them cry.
Wyoming was roaming with eager wet tears.
You broke your heart and used ***** to die.

They said I needed help.
They admitted me to the
ward of madness and shoved
pills into me that made me a
scarecrow. A man of straw
shaking mad in the wind as
weak as my resolve to be me.
I never came to life again.
I died in bright light at peace.
The crows sent me on my way.

Evicted from your womb
into the mad carnival
of French clowns and
sideshow barkers who
pass me around and
forever toast my birth
promise shadows as time
just gets away from us.
Long days, years fly by.
The family flies in to be
by your bed as you die
and buried in your tomb.

The light we never see
our life not meant to be
remember the forgotten
grapes of wrath rotten.
Seeking a Promised Land
struck dead by God's hand.

I'm tilting at windmills to fight.
   I slay dragons save broken hearts,
   bring these dogs of hell to heel.
   I still sleep with her ghost tonight
   and find small comfort in my living.
   I swim in wine 'til Don Quixote's real.

Syd was just a crazy spark
LSD flash of lightening
at midnight in Eden Park
got too high frightening
left his acid laced mark
on apples over ripening
Pink Floyd born in dark.

This old poet poses with his worn out lines.
Tender poetry of youth and love's beginnings,
faltering steps beyond puberty's uncertainty.

I've pounded my love on typewriters, each letter
has a part to play in this drama with a weight
all its own. Smash a key and it opens old wounds.

I splash in the waves with my kids.
Sun and surf and family. Beautiful.
I venture out in deeper water. I'm
swept out to sea in a riptide. It was an
innocent kiss, small desire, a tiny sin.
Storms destroy everything in a blink.

The best meal ever, Shug!
Dad said it every time.
Mom smoked her Salems.
I stole a few small crime.
Got kid drunk by a beer at
the creek all by myself
a cheap case dad bought
ironically called Top Shelf.

The invisible gears hiding in plain sight
who keep our world moving smoothly despite
neglect. Doorman. Barista. Waitstaff. Mechanic.
Receptionist. Host. Pizza delivery. Painter.
Lawn care. Trash Collector. Plumber. AC repair.
Nurse. Janitor. Mechanic. Clerks. Stokers. Cooks.
Maintenance. Apartment Manager. Sales force.
Middle management. Secretaries. Teachers.
This list could go into infinity and I know
we'd all fit into a group at one time or so.
All I ask is each day greet the faded ones
with sincerity and let them into your thoughts
so that they'll never have to be forgotten.
I think that is my greatest fear. Death
without a footprint in the world.

Let's give this "love" the
old heave ** and move on.
Our parts don't fit quite right.
Round peg square hole is wrong.

She had a toddler. We hooked
up in a club and I met
her folks and workmates
a week later and her kid.
I had my 2 kids I neglected
****** kept my guilt at bay.
I knew hers was a desperate
failing impossible ghost love.

Men were home from war and
back to work busy making kids
with the boss of the house and I
won a lottery and came to life in
a sweaty moment of busy parents,
two girls trying for a first son.

I tore my heart into puzzle pieces.
I'll never put it back together again.
Our fruit withered on love's branches.
Time abandoned me. How long's it been?
50 years ago I lost you in youth's fog
we never found our constant North Star
in the darkest night in blinking lights.
50 years I searched for you everywhere.

We choked on our stock's ashes.
1929. The crash. We lost it all.
nothing left to bear my burden.
nothing left to sing my praise.
my body aches. my soul despairs.
Forget friends. Never mind prayers.
The only warmth a stranger's "Hello".
I doubt innocence. What does he want?
I'll sleep on benches and city grates
and wipe my *** with 20 dollar bills.
I'll walk the stairs for the first time
to the top of my building and perch
and gaze upon the city that betrayed
me and step into death's cool flight.

I travel forever to the end of time
leave a spy glass inside this rhyme
I fell for you in a newsreel at 10
brave and boyish I fell in love then.
You were always on my distant horizon
but the yearning was always poison.
Amelia, you disappeared from sight,
broke a million hearts that night.
You were my constant north star
always so close and yet so very far.

I slit my wrist a million times with pieces
of the broken heart's razor sharp deflections
in my attic room Penthouse desire increases
illusion of an endless tunnel of reflections.
mirrors on walls showed me every angle
my naked drunken midnight freedom dance
with my Irish too small little dangle
always chasing the mirage of desert romance.

The **** tumbleweeds blowing
in the desert wind kept flowing
always lost in the darkest nights
spent angry fragile tattered kites
in the mad howl of the hurricane
right on the edge of going insane.
So many dead war's broke waste.
Macho boys brave in drunk haste
just numbers, penciled in to die
sent in letters for mothers to cry.

I'm an angry man
war's shattered bones
war's missing limbs
war's burned on skin
Autumn a calm season
full moon bright
through branches
seductive shadows
offering their
forbidden fruit
out of reach for a
man with no arms.

I always want what I don't have
  and don't want what I have?
  I'm a dog chasing my tail
  'til I can't move any more.
  I sat with parrot like shrinks
  saying what do you think?
  A simple answer for my confusion.
  I think we're all mad as hatters.

Butcher of the poor in black hoods.
  The projects destroy futures for most.
  Stacker of bodies, stormy, brawling, cruel.
  City of bully's with big shoulders.
  They say you are wicked and I know.
  You are fierce as a mad dog foaming
  through white teeth, tongue lapping,
  laughing as a young man laughs
  under the terrible burden of living.
  He cries stunned as his blood spills.

I try drawing you from  old memories
   but don't get your eyes right. I can't see
   the body that destroyed my earnest vows.
   I can't feel your warm young ******* and
   ******* that grew so hard by my caress.
   I can't see us dancing naked in the dark.
   I wish I'd kept the photos. I cremated you
   in an ashtray drunk mourning our death.

I'm trying to get drunk, burned down
   and struck out. Jukebox and bennies
   keep me up and at 'em. We old barfly's
   look for a sniff of the good old days.
   Lightning never strikes twice I'm afraid.
   I shuffle home at close and try tomorrow.

Everything came apart
shattered my heart
splinters always bring
paper cut pain unseen.

She comes around
when I'm in my cups.
I hear a meow at 10:20
wonder what she wants.
I wait and turn around
but she's still there.
She stares from her eye
haunting me purring.
I tell her goodnight.
She purrs. I go to bed.

I have reached an age
without another page
pay an obscene wage
shouting more rage
on my silent stage
death's golden cage.

water dripping
clock ticking
counting sheep
just can't sleep
haunting violins
insane mandolins
constant litany
of sins dripping.

Those who did the deadly deeds
are now as dead as poison weeds.
Truth will always out finally
then we learn the true history.
CIA and FBI and Dulles brothers
and LBJ and J Edgar. Many others.

We're game pieces on a chess board.
We might be peasants or knights or pawns.
We play our roles in turns and win some,
lose some and never know true love at all.
I begin to understand the cruelty of our
history where we live our fragile lives.

We gave you all we had because you needed us
and answered the siren's call of glorious war.
Outnumbered and outgunned we lost our comrades
and hills and limbs and minds. Pieces of us came
home to never heal and burden loved ones forever.

Hold the present now
it will be precious.
Hug it, and taste it.
Remember it delicious.

FDR, Churchill and Stalin
J Edger Hoover's FBI,
Spies and greed and hubris.
Cowards, liars, cheats and
compromised judges,
schools and ignorance,
CIA and politicians,
rich strutting peacock Mayor,
biased news and Twitter and
Facebook and YouTube.
Washington Post, NYT,
WSJ, Fools and kings and
geniuses stuck in the rain
who betray us with Covid 19.

I drag my broken soul
down your rabbit hole
looking for a red queen
lavish and in between
sexes not binary
my lovely fairy
smooth and perfumed
Love always doomed.

I hate its expectations
demands and frustrations
tired drools and snores
and all the ****** bores
wandering eyes are trouble
divorce broke kids in rubble.

I try to keep my life inside the lines.
I drink Alice's potions and it all bends.
Can hardly see where I'm going now or
where the whole **** thing finally ends.
The Queen of Hearts says off with my head.
The Wizard of Oz speaks with certainty.
Toto exposes his act behind the curtain.
I'm in a Cuckoo's Nest; wine is my gravity.

When I first saw you
I'd loved you forever.
We danced in Pompeii
died welded together
under blankets of ash
statues of our history
witness carnal cash,
*******'s mystery.

Can you hear the mighty roar
of the angry noise of war?
UN troops go door to door.
Steal from rich. Give to poor.
Billionaires demand justice
not for them, but just for us.

Birds cawing. Rats gnawing. Cats clawing. Craving.
  Bells ringing. Choirs singing. Dead bringing. Score.
  ****** faking. Thief's taking. Mischief making. Under.
  Alice small. Alice tall. Red Queen's fall. Floating.
  Birds cawing. Rats gnawing. Cats clawing. Craving.
  **** cawing gnawing clawing faking or OD. All work.
  Fists punching. Fingers touching. Lips turn blue. Bye.
  Tears spilling. Sobs drilling. Graves filling. Grief.

Christ don't live in churches.    
    He lives in the slums and prisons,
    grungy dive bars and crack houses.
    He offers hope to the hopeless
    and direction to the lost souls.  
    Christ doesn't sleep in church pews
    he sleeps on park benches and grates.
    his blood is cheap wine communion
    on city streets his body stale bread
    from the soup kitchens for the poor.
    He lives where he's most needed;
    then and there and here and now.

I try drawing your memories fading.
   Your eyes aren't right. I can't taste
   you that destroyed my earnest vows
   with Lust's cruelest and rapid waste.

   I can't feel your warm young *******,
   ******* that grew so hard by my caress.
   I can't see us dancing naked in the dark.
   We drink we fight we wonder at the mess.

   I wish I'd kept the photos. I cremated us
   in an ashtray drunk so many years ago.
It all plays out eventually after all.
We all end up ashes in afterglow.

I've been unlucky in love. I will
   be rich when I make a risky bet
   on a new innovation. Trust new
   love because you're near 70.
   Just grab for the brass ring
   one more time and remember to
   take your blood pressure meds
   and ******. Update your will.

My black hole velocity
escapes cruel gravity
unchained again finally
death sets us all free.

I'm barely alive.  My heart struggles to survive.
Madness has erupted and I no longer exist.
I feel like I've flat lined, but I still resist.
Where to look for hope? I listen for God's voice,

But I lost religion. I'm deaf to heaven's noise.  
Desire remains. What good will come of that?
I see a yellow moon rocking in the creek.
Wine on a lover's note a fetching watercolor.

We meet. Perfume, cologne, breath mints and *****.
Let's break all the rules! I must be home by 10.
A room. Naughty thrills. Suppressed guilt, ***!
Aftermath managed with pills and see you soon.

If we were strangers in bars
   I'd tell you things about me.
   Secrets nobody knows. Desires
   of confusion I don't understand.
   Women created in beauty's shadow
   like diamonds in a winter's sky,
   sparkle and shine like peacocks
   in my mind. If we were strangers.

You weren't seen
in my blind spot
too old so young
perfect ink blot
no trouble at all
self absorbed dad
in and out of lust
edge of mind mad.
you were a rock
in my slaughter
never faltered
broken Daughter.

Look at these dames
  set hearts in flames
  they toast their boys
  use war's cruel toys
  bring us home a win
  we'll carry on again.
  Our men were buried.
  We never married.

I hate to burden you
with my ugly stew.
I've wreaked havoc
too much on the clock.
I wish I were a pain.
Humanity's stain
died in a **** oven
pity blessed coven.