you say mental illness is a big deal until
i am sitting surrounded by trash in my car because its the only place i feel safe
until
i am crying when i wake up because i don't want to wake up
until
i am searching through pictures trying to find a scrap of light
until
i am sitting on the bathroom floor drinking the half empty beer i found in the recycling
until
i get attached to the drawings on my legs and cry when they go away
until
my plants all die because i cant water them
until
my pets die because i cant feed them
until
i starve myself on accident
until
my room has to be heavy or i cant breathe
until
i block everyone on my contacts list because i feel like they are watching me
until
i cant run anymore
until
i cant walk anymore
until
there is nothing left but you still want more

It’s pathetic you know
How much you rely on words
I could wipe my a$$ with flowers
Hand them to you
Call it a bouquet
And you’d giggle
Happily accept it
With an innocent smile on your face

I asked you to not be afraid
To share your feelings with me
All of them
Stupid naïve girl
If only she knew
That she asked for something
She couldn’t handle
Drown in emotions
Try to grasp all that he throws
They’ll all fall and break eventually
You overwhelmed yourself
Little girl
Flee
Run
It’s all you know
Leave him with more scars
Harden his heart further
Crush what little hope he had remaining
With the palm of your negligence
While yours will carry with it
The crack of his remembrance
And the absence of your innocence

and when you said
laughter is like a foreign language
i imagined that i was
teaching you how to
speak it

My disclosure of vulnerability
Does not come with the price of having others share intimate information after I did

My verbal affirmations
Do not require mirroring
Embrace the words
It is your moment of recognition
Not mine

The theme within these two acts
Is found in the differentiation
Between wants and needs

The effects of having a
Gentle comfortability with myself
Allows me to not need reciprocation
But to want it
I am satisfied either way
Because I cherish the vulnerability I show myself
And the affirmations I support from within

It has allowed me to take pleasure
In other people’s victories
Or moments of recognition
Without the need of interrupting
The moment
By desiring the other to shower me
In the manner in which I just did
To them

when you want nothing
you have everything

when you desire love from others
you lack love within

when you become no one
you become everything