No one can see it
But I feel it inside me
When I look at myself
Can't help but cringe
Placed on a pedestal
Where one shouldn't be
It was crooked and sloped
A balancing act
For all eyes to see
A throne of tears
I was placed up high
On a foundation of sand
And when I fell
The pain that I felt
Made everyone uneasy
I just hope in the future
You understand
And don't laugh
But understand
Please understand

The way it's been
Is not the way it's ending
You say I cannot win
Because you see me struggling
My skin is thin
Each insult leaves me crying
I let you in
And now Im slowly dying

Forever it will not be
One day I will be happy
You trampled me
But you could not defeat
My conscience says to me
Get back up on your feet
No need to lie or cheat
I will reclaim my seat

I tried to lead by example
To tell the truth and speak with love
Against an army of demonic sinners
I waged war against evil
For her

After all I invested in her
Sweat from work
Tears of anguish
I even shed my blood once
For her

And then what does she do
She ***** some guy
Behind my back
Thus making herself worthless
A failed investment

And then she tries to come back
As if nothing ever happened
Well, I haven't moved on
But the love I reserved for her
Is now wrath and I will cry against her

Why are the wicked preserved
Why are their lives prolonged
Their crimes are not met with swift recourse
They laugh at their victims
Make sport of their lives

I feel sapped
A bloodsucking succubus has sunk her claws into me
I can no longer fight
I feel so weak
I doubt myself

Yet my life is a breath
And despite my rage I see what I once was
A sinner of varying degree
So I will wait for justice
As my patience is tested

I wish I could just tell the truth
without being ripped to shreds
The truth is I am hurting
Attacked spiritually while in bed
Hypocrites full of hate
Who cry peace but are destroyers
Been praying for them of late
I cry over their fate
But they're so at ease
They simply can't relate
Misfortune is a breeze
They cannot tolerate
While I sit shellshocked
Dumbfounded and confused
Because I care about the wicked
I always get used

Get up, show them what you're made of
...but my knees are jelly
and my head is full of marbles
Get up, dust yourself off
...but I want the dust to settle
The more I move the more it floats
Get up, move on
...but each step is a climb up stairs
and I feel unstable
Get up, show you care
...but my friends have not been kind to me
They just laugh or stare
Get up, don't be so soft
...but I feel powerless
and my expectations are aloft
Get up, swim for your life
...but I forgot how to swim
and each breath feels like my last
So what are you going to do?
...get up, smoke, lie down
Get up, smoke, lie down
Get up, smoke, lie down

In all the wretchedness and cruelty I've seen before me
I cannot think of anything more foul without measure
Than those shrimp boys who call themselves pimps
Who abuse women for entertainment and pleasure

These women were meant to be brides of the Most High
To be at our side, to make us laugh and dance and cry
Those stupid thugs give them drugs
I wish I could squash them like the bugs they are

I have nothing to live for
What should I believe
My heart always drops to the floor
Because I wear my heart on my sleeve

I tread gently near women like you would a dove
My heart races, I want to make a good impression for love
But no woman has been able to tame my racing heart
And so I keep my distance, I keep myself apart

Call me a white knight, it makes no difference
I have a sister and a mother, and some sense
If I see a fool who thinks he's cool abusing others, why,
I will lift a finger and not stand by.

Today I prayed to God and said
I want to give up, want to give in
The worldly path is glistening
People can't be reasoned with
I can't even tell if you're listening
Feeling oppressed, wish I was dead
I envy those who already died
I am one whom you cast aside
I know well this world is hell
With many pitfalls everywhere
You cannot tell, they hide them well
I couldn't tell before I fell
I wish you'd talk to me like the old days
But I feel you've forsaken me due to my ways
I come to you hurting and muddy
Why do you keep slamming me into the dirt?

My family is one
My love life is two
I've burned all bridges
There's no way through
My home life is three
My work life is four
I can't do my chores
I remain poor
Four walls surround me
And there's no door
I am wounded
Disturbed to the core
The only way out
Is either up or down
Which way I go
Is out of my hands
I am too badly hurt
And uncomfortable
To plan anything
Let it all crumble
The grave awaits
Desolate yet humble
I await good news
And then I stumble
I want to go
Wanna pass away

Bullies like to push people around
Their fantasy depends on it
And when it crumbles to the ground
they throw an awful fit
They try to mold their vision
To capture you and bind
Ignore it or show you don't care
and they appear out of nowhere to remind
They think they're kings and queens
who like to talk and scream
Intimidate and coerce the pawns
through dark, deceptive means
Yet morning always dawns
With the sun appears the rubble
I don't want to rip a fool
from their sleep or burst their bubble
Yet I refuse to let them feed on me
through my skin to my bone
So a warm corner to call my own
is really all I need
My wisdom and experience is for me
Not for someone who doesn't heed
So I will simply watch and learn
as the wicked bleed and burn

Trapped in a sea of heartbreak and loss
I need a lifeline at any cost
I was on board a ship with my love
It was blue skies at first, angels singing above
Then the sun went out, and a tempest formed
She jumped ship soon as she saw the storm
I don't know why, I am not sure
but I chose to go down with her
I tried to save it, I manned the oar
I really don't know what for
The water was rising at my feet
Every word she said to demean me
the water rose
Now it's up to my nose
To where I can't breathe
Then she planted her feet on my back
Took a seat on my head
and mocked my death

If the past is set in stone, then what of the future?
I don't know, but of a few things I can be sure
We grow old
We die
It's hard to decipher truth from lie
Enslaved by my own impulsive drive
To give up
To let go
The garbage I leave behind
Out of sight, out of mind
Out the door
Done my chore
What do I have to show for
Years of wandering to and fro
Just let go
To be alone
Now I'm starting to see the light
I can rest my thoughts tonight
Into sleep
Into dreams
For I found what I was looking for
Life eternal is in store

Sincere bluff
I'd change my ways but I'm not determined enough
I see your red lips I slow down
I stop in a trance
Yet I don't advance

Life is tough
A few dollars in my pocket, not enough
No fancy toys, my road is pain
I call your name, but you prefer your path
I leave you alone, I know your game

A nightmare
I must stop dreaming with a blank stare
I'll drive straight
The ditch is where I'll end up if
I don't stay awake

I wanted friends
Instead I got foes
Who in the end
Ushered my woes

Some people at first
Seem kind and respectful
Then they turn for the worst
To duty forgetful

I wanted a family
To feel safe and secure
But now I can see
That nothing is sure

I loiter about
All times of the day
I learned to stay out
Of people's way

I tried sleeping
I slid into bed
Then came creeping
These thoughts in my head

Why don't you call?
I know you are free
I'm not the one to make you fall
Why do you hate me?

Whenever I think of you
Why did you abuse me so?
Now that I see what's true
I will just let go

For I will have new memories
As I live
And I will recall my enemies
And I will forgive

The burden of love is this
It won’t fill your heart with bliss
Or am I loving wrong,
Because I love my enemies?
They drag my heart across the floor
As my feet run to and fro
While my bones shake to the core
Can’t save myself, what’s more
I ask myself what have I done
I am like a setting sun
I failed once, with everyone
Now I offer myself for free
I’ll listen kindly but they don’t see
My own power frightens me
I’m more enlightened than they’ll ever be

The Lord doesn't teach em
The devil don't attack em
They're walking in sin
With a proud grin

The way it's always been
Wholly untouched
Their folly is much
Their condescendence is such

Mockery and ill will
If they could, they would ****
Now it's my job to put up with them
I'll slice the bud at the stem

If you have a fighting soul
Here's a call
Rock and roll
Destroy them all

May the morning sun and evening moon
be enough to keep you company
Don't be easily controlled
Guided by truth I think you can make it

...is what I wish I was taught
I always wanted to carve my own path
But they wouldn't leave me alone
Eventually I stopped fighting and bowed

I was put under their whim
Whatever they wanted I did
Mow the lawn, take out trash
Help me with my work

A house run like a prison
Under distress I was at a breaking point
So I ran away from them and from school
Cops were called, and then the mental institution

Then they pulled a quick one and did a 180
They really did leave me alone
I was driven out and told to fend on my own
Where wind and cold chill to the bone

Why do such things happen?
You used me for your own pleasure
and as soon as I stopped being cute
you discarded me

So now I'm alone fighting the elements
In my head are all sorts of thoughts I can't say
Hatred and disappointment in myself and others
I numb the pain away

I can't move
My thoughts are destructive
In fetters of fear
I'm dreading things to come

I trust no one
Everyone is suspicious
They can read me like a book
Like my parents, with one look

The filter that is installed
Between her head and heart
Stops her before she can start
To reveal her melancholy art

She fears the words will go round
Circle the earth at the speed of sound
Only for them to roll
Back into her lonely soul

Tears in her eyes it brings
With stones attached to her wings
Then she steps out of her cage
And onto the stage

And her words
Soar in the sky like birds
With a resting place to be found
In this heart of mine

The things she said I look back on in bed
A resting place they find in my head
Immortalized in the air
Forever there

My unwitting heart
has gone astray
thinking of you
every day
obsessed with you
Feels like you can do anything
You bear no shame
in all you do

I go to work
I think of you
I'm watching tv
I think of you
I'm in a bind
You're playing games
inside my mind
I'm going insane

There are no studies
about what you do
What's there to learn
Other than the fact
that you will burn
Get out you worm
I will make room
for someone who earned my respect

The ship of life rocks back and forth
One side to another, tables turn
No one feels good all the time
Love sometimes returns for hate
Sensations are forgettable unlike events
Needless consumption is a sign of fear
The innocent feel the spirit of the times
Nightmares haunt their days and nights
Common people let things pass
Justice leans on uneven scales
Some appear clean but not inwardly
It takes time to discern a person
Death might put an end to souls
Sin makes one feel as though they are enslaved
Though still alive, one eats himself
Better that, than to condemn
Blame is never good to give
The outstretched finger will be broken
Some situations make one learn
Yet reality like sparks could go either way
Talk to yourself, you don't have to check in
Freedom to escape is good to have
I expect the worst, and it keeps happening
I hope for the best, but it's a gamble
This world will always play its tricks
No one can boast, for we are fallen
Those who boast are often popular
Yet when wisdom calls, few answer

Looking back at my childhood experiences I
realize it was far from rosy and
I'm too young to feel so worn out yet
I'm too old to be a rising star

Never free
I see my sanity slip before my eyes yet
The end is still so far off and
when I'm gone the world will continue to be

I try to hide
These four walls protect me from the spies
With their prying eyes
Yet they still find a way inside

In the confines of my mind I see all I've done
And everything else done under the sun
I'm just a floating man on a raft out at sea
Waiting to be saved, or for someone to devour me

The pain
The pain
All I wanted was love
In your heart
In your heart
Stop tearing me out
The fear
The fear
Of what you have become
Memories
Coming back
Oh what have we done
Save me
Save me
You don't have to run
Hear me
Hear me
Though I know
You are not
The one

Dropped shield and sword, I run from bad company
I pray to the Lord, but the word doesn't come to me
I weep cause people act like they hate me
I get sleep but no rest to rejuvenate me
I am like a dad but childless
Or a cat with its claws removed; powerless
I speak words yet have nothing to say
Whether silent or loud people ask away
What's wrong? Have you gone astray?
How long will you continue to lay?
My heart is bitter, my lullabies sullen
I am no quitter, I'm simply fallen

When a person stumbles, the catch their fall;
if a person is fallen, can they get up at all?

I live in my head, off the body of Christ's bread
His blood flows in my veins, which I'm prepared to shed
My workaholic dad said I'm lazy and better off dead
But I'm always wet as sweat burns my skin and bed
When I asked him to brave the fire of hell with me he fled
He couldn't stand the scorching red, he chose the easy path instead
Heaven my reward, money is where he got lead
In the end I'm a scapegoat who bled so they can stay the same
I shame myself so my folks go easy on the pain
They say I'm stupid and not on my best behaviour
As they **** my blood I think of my lord and saviour

No amount of water, no amount of soap
No amount of scrubbing with hygienic foam
Can clean me of my crimes,
So I indulge in wines
I drink the fire so clear and rank
To null the inner stank.

No amount of guilt, no amount of shame
No amount of planning in this God-forsaken game
Can free me from your hand,
You are like slippery sand
I think of us and all the fuss
that made me such a wuss.

No amount of wealth, no amount of fame
No amount of telling myself my past will be regained
Can stop me from my aim,
To clear my innocent name,
As the pain falls down on me
so heavy I can see

If the wise look to wisdom
and fools look to the world
Then I'll search for you in my mind
And try to turn the nightmare into a dream
But all's not what it seems

I won't ring a bell
and stand on rooftops and yell
I grow faint when I retell
What ended in hell
What didn't end well

I'll tell you the story
Someone came to me
but it was only temporary
They wanted something from me
I gave it for free

Oh the agony!
All along they were the enemy
I let them into my mind and heart
I thought we were so close
We'd never tear apart

I was too nice to my foe
But now the truth is exposed
In this world I suffer
It's the path I chose
But it's all just temporary woes

We can leave this world any day
It's not a matter of wits
Will you be happy in eternity
Or will you be like the hypocrites
and have to pay?

What's normal and sane is majority ruled;
It's easy to get schooled by a bunch of fools.
I know you are keen, I know you are wise;
but don't make a scene, you'll get institutionalized.
See with your mind, not with your eyes;
what they try to hide, is bright as the skies.
Tell the truth, don't hide behind lies;
It's ok to get hurt; let them mock and advise.
Don't ask for help, they'll get you hooked;
The cure don't make rich, so it's overlooked.
It's good to cry, you even should;
Writhe and moan, it's for your own good.
They can't destroy you, but they can set up hooks;
They think they'll be counted in history's books.
In the end it will all be destroyed, with no remorse;
they cannot change the past or the future's course.
It will all be anew, like fresh dew;
make sure to endure, through and through.

I am earth and dust
I am life incarnate
I am beautiful and just
I go where I want
And say what I must.

So why did they ******
Me into prison
To be educated
To be brainwashed
What's the reason?

To me it's obscene
To gain knowledge
Yet forsake the dream
To be a cog
In the machine

I never graduated
And I'm proud
Yet the world scorns and mocks
And blocks
And doubts

I am a rejected one
An unwanted son
Yet my life is mine
And the dream can shine
So yes, I'm doing fine.

In the gap between sorrow and joy
Where the cowardly rest eternal
Where the mood is continually dull
And the cup is always half full
There the colour is only grey
And the lines are always straight
There the clock has stopped to fate
And there is no love and hate
There a dog barks but cannot bite
There a man drinks but cannot sate
And though he begs and talks all day
No one listens anyway
That is where I find myself
When I just do as I please
Though I'm content and at ease
Even God cannot help such as these
For this is the result of one-way prayer
This is lukewarmness that can never cease
This is worse than a disease
This is the end result of a desire to be free

What do we get
What do we earn
When you forget
What did you learn

Our services spurned
You left us to shake
Left us to burn
Left us to break

If I had a wish
I would not be a warrior
My friends sleep with fish,
Food for the walrus

To love someone who flirted with you
without feel a thing
To love someone who deserted you
after taking everything
To love someone who hurt you
and left you on the floor
Takes more strength than anything
I've ever done before.

When will compassion come to fashion?
When will life become valuable,
And death be unfashionable?
Images of death should make you short on breath.
But we don't feel their pain,
We look after our own gain.
When will humility excel stupidity?
If you're humble your feet won't stumble.
Certain things should give you the shakes
There is no shortage of mistakes.

I see your call
I pick up the phone and stall
Maybe I answer and say
Baby where have you been...?
Why haven't you been around...

This scenario plays in my mind
Yet I know what your answer would be
I wasn't very kind to you
I wanted to change your truth
And now I regret the present

Yes I have lost you, sure
Now your absence speaks in honest words
I thought we would journey worlds
I must move on, not to dwell
And hope to see us some day well

My eyes have seen evil,
But I hoped for the best;
I planted the seed
Of love where I could.
I did not see the extent
of my works manifest;
I did not play the reaper
I inclined to do good.

I did not eat or savour
The fruit of my labour
It was my job to sow
And let the seed grow.
Time is a cruel master
It continues to flow
The difference I made
My heart does not know.

I didn't want glory
nor a large sum of money
but an honourable discharge
and my sins to be waived.
Now I'm nearing the grave
and I'm beginning to see
All the love I gave,
I did it for me!

Like with a brush
You painted a canvas
Intricately and exquisitely
To the voice of your will
And thus was I
I danced and was thrilled
Bending my soul
To the shape of your whim
Yet now I cry
For you put me aside

I will be loud
I won't  be hushed
To win you back
I will do much
From the heights
To the depths
I'll paint the world
With how I felt
I'll touch the hearts
And they will melt
Perhaps you'll remember me then

How long must it be
Realistically
Before you appear
And set me free
For I'm in hell
Now where I dwell
A shell of what I used to be
Under this spell
A brokenhearted fool
Without you

I am drawn to those who suffer
I try to pull people from the fire
Often I get burned
But I learn

Why am I drawn to those who suffer?
I ponder
It's because hardship is for the good
In a world where people are often

Misunderstood

If my belly could speak, wonder what it would say
It grumbles and tumbles and hurts all day
Perhaps I should quit smoking, perhaps I should fast
I know deep down the problem is caused by curses cast

I fed on competition, I savoured violence
To outwit and outdo made sense
At last it's a dead end
It's not how it works, I haven't a friend

I've regurgitated my memories and vomited out poison
It took some years, hardest years I've ever seen
I want to turn back and repent against sin
I want to sober up, so I can be healthy again

A thousand thorns in my mind
I try to pick them one by one
As another thousand come
I try to think around them
But they always come back
They truly are a threat
I want to attack
I choose my target
Just wanna pluck it out
Just wanna forget it
But I can't
Give me new memories
Please
So the old ones cease
So I have a better perspective on this disease

I don't have many friends
I don't want you to be another
means to an end

I don't have many friends
I don't want to feel void and empty
because friendship is something one lends

To be a friend
Is to help someone grow
Not let someone fall and descend

To be a friend
Is to make someone feel special
To take them out of the crowd in which they blend

I need a friend
To force me to see
And help me to comprehend

I need a friend
With whom into the abyss of my mind
I can descend

You thought you would get a laugh, watching me squirm;
stepping on me, crushing me like a grape for your cup.
I was to be your trophy, on the wall of those you *******;
you'd look back and say a-ha! Look what we made you do

It's true that a dark cloud has enveloped me;
depression weighs heavy on one who can see nothing but darkness
Anxiety keeps me from the connections I need
To conquer addiction I must face my demons

I toss and turn in bed, and wish I was dead;
The Lord allows this, yet gives me bread.
He put to flight me enemies, they exist only in my head;
he took my sword, and fought for me instead.

The pain that I feel, is centred on me;
the shame that I feel, is not what others see
I cannot describe the way that I feel
A faith in that which is not yet, but some day will be real

I have forsaken the life that could have been
in order to live virtually in a tv screen
It's got everything
Art is fascinating
But now I need to get out
And I don't know how to go about doing that
In the game world I'm always the hero
Here I'm nothing, zero
No shiny things to collect
No happy song at the end credits

What was I on?
Now all my time is gone
No social skills
Can't pay the bills
Patience is thin
Just know how to win
I wish I could put this on someone
It's all on me, just trying to have fun
I want to stop, but when?
And if I stop, what then?

It never ends
When will it end?
What kind of life
What am I doing?
Admiring beauty?
I'm smothered by fools
I don't have a voice
And even if I had one
I'd still have no choice
Predestination rules
No one can change it
No one can take the script
And tear it to pieces
I am a pawn
I don't know what the king does
Blindly I serve
But I will be faithful
For I have seen good
From his hands I have tasted
The fruit of life
And so I am thankful

At first glance a dove
Though not love from the start
It took some time
to get the key to my heart

I heard her voice
whispering in my ear today
I turned to the noise
The fly on my shoulder flew away

I can feel her
But we're torn at the seams
I no longer love her
Or see her in my dreams

I put up a wall of darkness
Though every now and again
Light comes through
With anguish and pain

I recall when the demon laughed
And played music only I could hear
I knew it was the forces of hell
Drawing near

I saw an angel
Being treaded under feet
The feet of his own comrades
And the same fate befalls me

My love was too strong
I deserve no applause
I don't expect love
I chose love over God

There's a time to beg and a time to lend
A season for peace and a season for war
No choice but to endure to the end
Who knows what else is in store?

You gave me gifts, you didn't spare
I don't deserve, your loving care
When I was blind, when I was slack,
These things remind me you had my back.
I believed in you, and you made sure
That all my trials, I could endure.
You knew I'd fall, for I was inclined
I knew in my heart, but not in my mind.
I thought I was going straight, but I was careening
For upon others I was leaning
I wanted others to love me, but then I learned
Through trial by fire and getting burned
That since people hated you, they hated me
When I talked about you, they were angry
Then they looked upon the gifts you gave me with envy
And they sabotaged my gifts by any means necessary
So I let go, and away they went
Now I feel broken and strained and bent
So I looked and prayed, then I saw
The one who created the world and gave it law
He said we're born into sin, we're sinners from birth
Yet we should store up treasures in heaven, not on earth.
For our deeds follow us, yet to love God is a start
And all these things I hold close to my heart.

What was precious to me
I put on a tray
And offered it up
You ate for a day
I gave you my heart
You said you would stay
Then turned your back
And went your own way
Left me with nothing
To grasp or display
Yet keep what you stole
I won't beg or pay
I've learned to hold on tight
To watch what I say

You think of the future
And act like you're sure
You feel secure
Like you're the cure
It goes without mention
I'll stop your ascension
Break your intentions
Destroy your inventions
Take my rod and strike
So you know what it's like
To live without sight
In the absence of light

Sometimes it rains when I cry
I know how the dying feel
Yet miracles happen before my eyes

No one understands
For who can put into words
A being which exists in and of itself

The mind searches the unthinkable
The unspeakable
And then we forget

Like dreams
Like memories from your unique angle
So vital, so personal

Making mistakes for the sake of honesty
Shouldn't cost me my life
Though to some it's social suicide

I see little messages that poke out sometimes
Everywhere I go, everything is trying to tell me something
Yet to react is considered mental illness

In the process of healing it's important to forgive people
You may say that some wretched people are beyond forgiving
Understand that we are all enslaved and in debt forever
We've reaped what we didn't sow, a world pleasantly delightful

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a cage or prison
At times like this I wonder who put me here
Was it people who used me as a stepping stone?
Or those who put me in their crosshairs and fired?

Yet the worst pain is betrayal from a trusted friend
How can one trust anymore after being misled and backstabbed?
Intentionally hurt by a person in a position of confidence
Is like a death blow to the soul, eternal pain

Some things are beyond our understanding, some folk without hope
We must pray that we be unyoked to this world
For we are ghosts and shades and spirits in flesh
Here temporarily on our way to a more permanent place

Sick outside and in
I have red bumps on my skin
Off to loony bin

In this place
I try so hard
To show off
My better side
Under a correct light
I can shine so bright
Go so far
But there's a part
In my heart
That comes out
At certain times
Here it is
Then it's gone
Now it's back
It's like right and wrong
Day and night
Or white and black
I wave it away
Keep it at bay
It comes again
To attack
Need to pray
And unwind
To unify
My ruptured mind
But I know
In the end
By moving on
I'm left behind