I am earth and dust
I am life incarnate
I am beautiful and just
I go where I want
And say what I must.

So why did they ******
Me into prison
To be educated
To be brainwashed
What's the reason?

To me it's obscene
To gain knowledge
Yet forsake the dream
To be a cog
In the machine

I never graduated
And I'm proud
Yet the world scorns and mocks
And blocks
And doubts

I am a rejected one
An unwanted son
Yet my life is mine
And the dream can shine
So yes, I'm doing fine.

Love is accepting
That's not what I gave
It wasn't love
But a harsh lesson from above
A desire to save
That put our ties in a grave
We succumbed to the hail
This love doomed to fail
My love has grown cold
And due to betrayal
Where once I was bold
I'm now just a baby
Or so I've been told
It put out my sun
I search for red flags
And see evil in everyone
Like they're hiding a gun
I
Trust
No
One

On who is the plaything
Tonight the tables might turn
I can't hide the fact that
My feelings for you burn
You pulled my string again
Then like a wind-up toy
I danced to your tune
At the end of the day
It all comes out
It's because I care!
With tears in my eyes!
Love me
The people I like,
The people I care about
Its enough

In my fallen state
I cannot do my job
I cannot sing or dance
I just mope around all day long

Nothing keeps my attention
Shifting but not dreaming
From point to point
Not enjoying the journey

Am I broken beyond repair?
Can nothing restore my happiness?
Where is my pride?
Cast down with no one to help

I needed care
And you refused
Said it's not something
I can choose
Said it's only for
an emergency
When I didn't want help
you forced me

Now I have nothing
no one to share
the passing days
only psychiatrist's care
a handful of meds
And then I sway
away from dreams
the only way

Truth likes to hide
Look for the clues
Good never mentioned
Death makes the news
Gossips and sadists
Whatever they choose
To feed a hungry race
Who can't refuse

The good things we do are overlooked
Counsellors and therapists, overbooked
We're all influenced by selected truths
It's what makes the news

Don't fall into the trap
Of being too negative
Evil isn't everywhere
You just care
Where is the good
From where does it flow
It's so simple
It's the status quo

I'm like a doe
Or like a raindrop
I go with the flow
Where the wind blows

I feel possessed
Under control
The more I think
The less I know

My mind goes from fast
To incredibly slow
And sometimes life
feels like a show

Tend to the earth
Help trees grow
Uproot the weeds
You reap what you sow

My matters are grave
My spirit is low
Someday it'll make sense
Gotta learn to let go

Nature is pretty, scenery turned red
The sky is grey, with raindrops it bleeds
The bird feed is gone, the leaves fell to the wind
All that's left on the branches are abandoned nests

As crimson leaves with the wind soar aloft
Up to the sky so high, only to land so soft
Into roads soaked and full of puddles yet cool
Reminds me of life, and how fate can be cruel

Soon when winter comes with its white snow
To cleanse the earth with its cold air flow
I will think of the memories I had
And it makes me sad

I hope to have more time
To right the wrongs, a season in my prime
A new year for which I can now prepare
The start of a new life, and this time I'll care

I want to say a thing
But nothing will come of it
There is no power in my words

So I feel hurt
Yet I don't blurt
I leave my speech unheard

I fight against myself
What for I cannot tell
Inside two warring birds

I don't have lavish dreams
I am no wanna be
Just want serenity

I'm like a boulder or tree
There is nothing to see
Like every human being

Like any other freak
Exhaling as I speak
There is nothing to see

What do you seek
I'll shut my beak
There is nothing to see

I am a piece of dough being reshaped
I am a piece of steel being reforged
I am a rock rounded out by a gushing stream
I am a rose being clipped and pruned

My enemies protect their ways
They challenge anyone who asks, "what are you doing?"
They deflect any correction
and continue stubbornly in their paths.

I said to myself I will be alone until an event
that will put me back in the right direction.
As I wait I am tormented by visions
and dreams - I wish I was dead.

The wicked in their pride want to cast low
Giving no thought to their victims
They are like jagged rocks below a cliff
or dogs growling and bearing teeth.

Those who will not heed instruction
or give way to slow changes
will be changed suddenly
their lives will end in calamity.

I have made these mistakes
but I live to tell the tale
My testimony is valid
and I will share my life story to anyone who listens.

Thanks for the pleasure
And the adventure
We had fun in our leisure
Where I was your pleaser
I offered my treasure
You took without measure
I'm the poem in your folder
You're the liability in my ledger
My chain and my boulder
The fly on my shoulder
As I get older
I grow colder
As you get older
Your crimes get bolder
I needed the lesson
To regain my vision
But you don't need my lecture
So you left without closure

Hail to the fire
May the light never wane
For fire I am yearning
I am enlightened by pain
My stomach keeps turning
I am covered by shame
My eyes reflect the burning
I am drawn to the light like a moth to the flame

Fire like water
Cleanses in its own way
Just like my father
Who would work me all day
Just like the visions
Of mockery all night
Constant divisions
Had to learn how to fight

Fire like water
Makes my nightmares float away
They turn into dreams, I can think on all day
Where the morning-bird sings
Where I grow wings
And fly to heaven
I remember the King
Walking upon the water
Commanding fire from above
Ohhh
The pain
The pain
I need fatherly love
In this place
In your heart
I need help from above
How I long for peace
And for fatherly love
For a bit of release
When my task here is done

No amount of water, no amount of soap
No amount of scrubbing with hygienic foam
Can clean me of my crimes,
So I indulge in wines
I drink the fire so clear and rank
To null the inner stank.

No amount of guilt, no amount of shame
No amount of planning in this God-forsaken game
Can free me from your hand,
You are like slippery sand
I think of us and all the fuss
that made me such a wuss.

No amount of wealth, no amount of fame
No amount of telling myself my past will be regained
Can stop me from my aim,
To clear my innocent name,
As the pain falls down on me
so heavy I can see

Slowed to a halt
The cringe is a knot
I try to untangle
the intrusive thought

My mind doesn't match
what I do with my hand
I'm due to snap
Like a tight rubber band

There are two sides to me
Many things come in twos
I am so stuck
I simply cannot choose

It's the war
that I wage within
It keeps me poor
And beggin'

Eternal fight
Always the same
Yet there's the door
New memories are calling my name

What's the use
I do no harm
I do no good
Locked in my room

What's the use
Keep my head low
I have these feelings
I cannot show

Yet in my head
Behind the soot
There is a spark
That life is good

But what's the use
I do not choose
I don't consent
I don't refuse

What I'm seeing
An inner war
For the core
Of my inner being

What goes inside me
I feel within me
Wanna breathe out the old
And smell something new

A passing spirit
Might hear it
When I talk to myself
Inside my head
I don't fear it
I cheer for it
I hide nothing from it
I open my soul to it
It changes me
It clears up the misconceptions
I talk to it
Lay before it
What I can't express
How my soul is stressed
Can't show my face
My lungs are full of toxic waste
My heart is venomous
My head suppresses it
A filter silences me
Truth is repressed in me
Words form in my heart
But are too revolutionary
My friends are distasteful
Speaking to people
Is a leap of faith
Some are like sheep
Most are stubborn like goats
I don't want to be an influence
Don't want to be heard
Except by the passing spirit
The passing bird
In my head

Watch where you walk, be aware of your path
The better you do, the more narrow it gets
It's like building a house of cards
One mistake and you have to start all over again
Some things you pick up and can't part with
Some people come along and you can't let go
You must learn to stand on your own
You must face yourself at some point
They can afflict you, they can abuse you,
but nothing will hurt like what you do to yourself

Some things are a mystery to me, like
Should I always speak the truth
Or if I should cover ugly truth in the name of love
Where I end, and where my surroundings begin
If other people can sense what I'm feeling
If I hurt others as much as my mind convinced me I did
Is everything going downhill, or if things will get better
Will there be a new revival, or are we in end times
Is life scripted

My family is one
My love life is two
I've burned all bridges
There's no way through
My home life is three
My work life is four
I can't do my chores
I remain poor
Four walls surround me
And there's no door
I am wounded
Disturbed to the core
The only way out
Is either up or down
Which way I go
Is out of my hands
I am too badly hurt
And uncomfortable
To plan anything
Let it all crumble
The grave awaits
Desolate yet humble
I await good news
And then I stumble
I want to go
Wanna pass away

To love someone who flirted with you
without feel a thing
To love someone who deserted you
after taking everything
To love someone who hurt you
and left you on the floor
Takes more strength than anything
I've ever done before.

Nothing to do
Nothing to see
Nothing to live or to die for
Lay down your life
Lay down your soul
Reach in the fire and pull
Oh how the fire it burns

You never learn
You never turn
Now by the fire you burn
Nothing is true
Nothing for me
Nothing to give or to strive for
You're in a hole
I reach to the bottom and pull

Now you
Caught in the teeth
Of a fierce lion
Begging for meat
Whose never full
Who feels no grief
I reach out my hand to his mouth

Like rain on a wildfire
When will relief finally come
I'm so very tired
I beg for death

Everyone has turned aside
And followed their hearts
I'm left in the dust
With my traditional ways

In God I trust
I'm zealous and sure
Yet have no one to speak to
Who believes like I do

My treasures cannot be seen
My good deeds go unnoticed
Everyone has turned their backs
And followed their own paths

The proud have their lives
I am devoid in all matters
Robbed of my senses
Horrified by what I see

Father come soon
The ways of the world are not for me
Take me away
Where I can rest from the pain

Picture an abandoned well
Devoid of water, or an empty shell
After a long period of drought,
Only an echo can be heard about
The voice that made sense is no longer found
Chaotic and disorderly is the sound
An inner tempest is the norm,
Battered heavy by the storm
If you tear me apart, or break me open,
You will see, it's as I've spoken
And my looks, it's not pretty
I look like a sideshow character from the city
Wrinkles on my face cause a perma-frown,
All of love has let me down
Yet I don't want anyone else to feel pain
So from aggression I refrain
For as the sun dawns, and then must set,
To rise again, so it's not over yet
The cards will reset, the tables will turn
And all those that hurt me will have to learn
That I am loved, and the pain I feel is due to sin
I am careful, for the path to life is narrow and thin
I will regain all that was lost, and once again be sane;
I will be filled with life again.

I dwell in cold places
Devoid of human warmth
Wherein are many faces
Of the human will they're born
Rich in human traces
Though lost to humankind
When I feel I'm about to fall
When I'm about to go blind
My paintings on the wall
Keep me alive
To dream of a different time

I walk through frozen landscapes
Where ice and snow take form
Can't drink the blood of grapes
To bring my temperature to norm
To my face the task,
To my back a stick
On my face a mask
I build things brick by brick
Though my feet are blistered and torn
And my shoes are withered and worn
Still the rhythm of music
Is keeping me warm

I've been thinking a lot
On how to succeed
For I'm ashamed
Of the life I lead
There are many books
One can read
Some say pain is gain
To sweat and to bleed
Others say success is measured
In every good deed

Yet I say success begins with the heart
It must have root
That's where it should start
Not by habits of hand or foot
It must be broken apart
It must be thought through
A strong foundation
Uniquely you

I want to forsake my possessions
I must straighten what's bent
And begin my sessions
Of enlightenment
Or these distractions
I'll take to the grave
Only to find out
They cannot save

If I'm quiet
No one listens
If I shout
Then I'm crazy
Told to let it all out
Not to bottle things up
But no one cares
How I fare

A narcissist's dreams
Have selfish themes
They see the future
And plan their schemes
But when they see me
Full of joy
They do their part
To break my heart

And thus I fall
Into a well
Into a hole
Into a hell
I have to yell
A cry for help
Cause no one cares
How I fare

In this place
I try so hard
To show off
My better side
Under a correct light
I can shine so bright
Go so far
But there's a part
In my heart
That comes out
At certain times
Here it is
Then it's gone
Now it's back
It's like right and wrong
Day and night
Or white and black
I wave it away
Keep it at bay
It comes again
To attack
Need to pray
And unwind
To unify
My ruptured mind
But I know
In the end
By moving on
I'm left behind

Don’t ask what to buy to brighten a room
Just change your mindset to lighten the gloom.
It’s a choice to trust and lust
After things that will turn to dust.

An object fought for will be forsaken,
A thing sought after will be taken away.
Look how it goes to waste,
Losing its smell, losing its taste.

Search your soul;
Have you noticed those pinned to the floor?
The things they bought have come to life,
Cutting and slashing their hope like a knife.

Walls can shrink,
And ghosts dwell in places you wouldn’t think.
Remember those ghosts, which things couldn't save;
For what they loved most, has become their grave.

I want to get married for a free card
Too much kindness makes me hard
I must maintain my celibacy
The family tree ends with me

There is a woman that I know
Who thinks it's good to **** and blow
The story goes she don't last long
Moans and screeches are her song

God forgive this worthless stoner
I'm alone but not a loner
The way you coerced it into her
I will break your little *****

And she is a little spinner
And at love I'm no beginner
I will forget and ignore yet I find
I'm going insane from seduction of mind

There are certain corners in my mind I can't go
Memories of the past distorted and concrete
When I try to open my mind
To let love inside me
They pop up
Obstructing

I run, dash and dodge around these memories
I try to focus on the good times
As hard as I try I can't forget
And if I try to face them
I get eaten alive
Then spat out

They say I should leave the past behind and move on
That I should have more compassion on myself
But it's the way I am and can't change
Some scars are simply eternal
And won't go away
Until the end

I see demons everywhere
I am fragile and infirm
Can't look you in the eye
Lest you find the worm

An insecurity to exploit
A breach in my wall
All so you can laugh
And feel ten feet tall

My back is bent down to the floor
There is no pride left in this soul
Who keeps casting these curses on me
How does one fight an enemy unseen

My God won't touch me
My dreams are filthy
My brain is rotting
My mouth is frothing

Their eyes were fearless
They spared no whip
Their hearts were cold
They've got me in their grip

Most people have no idea how they affect others
The stench of their cruelty long lingers
I am a target and that is my fate
I must be patient and wait

I am my dad's child, an abused son
Whenever he'd lie, I would cry
Whenever he called me, I would run
We never could see eye to eye
His face was the illusion of the sun
But without the warmth, I couldn't fly
I'd stare into the barrel of his gun
To me it was comforting, that I could die
Now I shun the people that live for fun
I don't say hi or good day or goodbye
Instead I look at the ground and what I've done
And how I've fallen having never been high
By merely surviving, I couldn't have won
Yet for whom do I live, for what and why?

A lack of understanding, a loss of faith
I hate myself, I vow to never be the same
Since you left, I'm not having fun
I'm under attack, from what I've done

So now I feel lust, it won't go away
I want *** so bad, every day
At night I dream of it, in the morning I forget
And try my best to be celibate

I want love, but not really
Can't stop using habitually
My time's running out, the clock's ticking
I waste my days on what's addicting

I've lost it all before, but now I've lost my mind
I hate all women, even if they're kind
I lost my place on earth, I've lost my grace,
but really I've fallen from high up in space.

Someone help me, for I am lost
Save me, O God, in whom I trust
The task is great, but if there's a cure
Take away my thoughts impure

Growing up I was an obedient child
I did what I was told with a curse under my tongue
Forced into slavery I fought on several fronts
The school, the home life and the battles in my head
I never thought I would make it into adulthood
Now my life is beginning to have meaning
I see there was hope in misery
And the pain that comes with discipline
But then I see the uncontrolled
Provoking me to madness, testing my cool
At night I fly into a hellish rage
Though before their eyes I remained calm
Losing sleep and peace of mind
Because the free abuse their rights
I admit I don't know what goes on in their heads
When they bully me for a laugh
I accept I am the brunt of their whim
For I know that in the end I will be happy
Those who are in mourning will be comforted
I hold to that and am not weary
So when I cannot sleep at night
I pray and know I am in loving arms

A thousand thorns in my mind
I try to pick them one by one
As another thousand come
I try to think around them
But they always come back
They truly are a threat
I want to attack
I choose my target
Just wanna pluck it out
Just wanna forget it
But I can't
Give me new memories
Please
So the old ones cease
So I have a better perspective on this disease

If the wise look to wisdom
and fools look to the world
Then I'll search for you in my mind
And try to turn the nightmare into a dream
But all's not what it seems

I won't ring a bell
and stand on rooftops and yell
I grow faint when I retell
What ended in hell
What didn't end well

I'll tell you the story
Someone came to me
but it was only temporary
They wanted something from me
I gave it for free

Oh the agony!
All along they were the enemy
I let them into my mind and heart
I thought we were so close
We'd never tear apart

I was too nice to my foe
But now the truth is exposed
In this world I suffer
It's the path I chose
But it's all just temporary woes

We can leave this world any day
It's not a matter of wits
Will you be happy in eternity
Or will you be like the hypocrites
and have to pay?

Many people are born of blue skies
A star in the sky belongs to each one
A dream forms in their sparkling eyes
They follow a destiny that begins in their vision
Calm and secure, they are free to roam
To walk with light that guides their paths

I was born of a different sky
On a rainy and stormy November morning
Cold and damp, I knew to rebel
My destiny was to go where others would not
I died each time I was put under light
Only to be reborn through a desire for the end

But now the blanket of darkness has been lifted from my heart
And I see that in all my pain was a comforting nothingness
Despite my loneliness I never lost my strength and courage
The coldness caressed me like a nurturing mother
In her womb I dwelled while others saw depression
And anxiety and nervousness and laziness and sloth

I feel relieved that the demons have left me alone, if for a while
I am not being harassed spiritually by nightmares and terrors
My methods of relief are not needed
It is at this point that I cease judging others
I see the blue skies, and they are numbing the pain
And with the blue skies I understand that it is time to act

I never had a goal or a dream
Except to live and gaze at the beautiful skies
To live in peace and security
In harmony with nature and God and with people
I have sat alone and in despair for so long
I am thankful for a moment when the sun parts the clouds

I find the mind difficult to control. Looking forward, facing the right way is essential. Thunderous flashbacks mixed with imagination that fight one another spiral into a force so loud it could produce a mushroom cloud. But only to your ear. The friction of an inner fight is enough to set my mind alight, usually at night when I'm trying to sleep. It hurts deep. If negative energy creeps in, I go out. I get up or toss and turn; it really hurts the way they hurt me, the ax forgets but not the tree. I forgive, without a doubt because I want to forget. I have no regrets, I'm just in a dark place and the only thing that will suffice is a really nice slice of paradise with Christ, but the inner war with vice cannot be won unless you stop being nice and purge these demons from your life.

No worth
To earth
Low birth
No use
Short fuse
No hope
Just dope
Unsure
Impure
Uncured

I learn
God's word
Now I'm
Assured
When I'm through
Hands of love
Will take me
Away from earth

And I
Am ready
To take
The voyage
New world
New birth
To heaven
Where someone
Is waiting

Your eyes are my thunder
Your gaze sets me loose
It's really no wonder
I do what I choose
Yet there's something about you
I feel it in my chest
You set me free
To try my best

Take my strength, take my pride
Take my home when you need to hide
Take my heart, take my soul
You need to eat, swallow me whole

Now you’re gone, and left me bare
I lost my strength, and tore at my hair
Then I felt you did not care
But the truth is you were never there

If the past is set in stone, then what of the future?
I don't know, but of a few things I can be sure
We grow old
We die
It's hard to decipher truth from lie
Enslaved by my own impulsive drive
To give up
To let go
The garbage I leave behind
Out of sight, out of mind
Out the door
Done my chore
What do I have to show for
Years of wandering to and fro
Just let go
To be alone
Now I'm starting to see the light
I can rest my thoughts tonight
Into sleep
Into dreams
For I found what I was looking for
Life eternal is in store

I move through life uprightly
And judge my enemies lightly
Very few things spark my ire
I turn from base desire

I do not fuss or grumble
My spirit's low and humble
It keeps my feet from slipping
Ensures that I don't stumble

I don't have much to give
Though you don't need much to live
If I say no to what you want
I hope you will forgive

If someone steals my shoes or shirt
My heart will weep bitterly
For the people that I hurt
Not for the one who hurt me

I walk with God, when his light goes out I sit
And if I should die, so be it
For through my suffering I have made others strong
And so the Lord will put me in the right, not the wrong

I can see my enemies
are closer than my friends indeed
Always on my mind, I can never be freed
Like birds they soar, they peck at me like seeds
So I clipped their feathers and broke their beaks...

Blood-******* freaks...

Who sets up snares before your eyes?
Who stomps on you and ignores your cries?
Who seeks mommy before he dies?
Adorn yourself with blood and gore
And they will learn the meaning of hell and war

Blood-******* freaks... forevermore...

You're not dumb or dense
I won't leave you in suspense
Your blood is precious upon the throne
Offer your lifeblood and eternal life you will earn
Repent of cowardice and turn, while these

Blood-******* freaks... forevermore... BURN!!!

If my belly could speak, wonder what it would say
It grumbles and tumbles and hurts all day
Perhaps I should quit smoking, perhaps I should fast
I know deep down the problem is caused by curses cast

I fed on competition, I savoured violence
To outwit and outdo made sense
At last it's a dead end
It's not how it works, I haven't a friend

I've regurgitated my memories and vomited out poison
It took some years, hardest years I've ever seen
I want to turn back and repent against sin
I want to sober up, so I can be healthy again

Peace? There is no peace! To those who know no disgrace, you have no trace of praise. I have chosen my side, I don't step out of line and I will hide and bide my time until my moment to shine. I used to think speaking truth is something to be braved, to open the eyes of the unsaved. Now I'll leave arguments about truth to the youth. Through disgrace is my salvation, for it I will receive praise. For I stood for good when others would not. I lay my life down each day, and I carefully watch what I say in case it might turn my allies away. As for my enemies, I wish I could pray for them and we could learn from each other but they hide from me so let them burn in hell.

Philosophy will wane
Protect the status quo
Take off the chain
Throw off the cord
Focus on gain
You will get a reward
Someone will teach you
You will become a commodity
Something of value
You won't have to worry
No need to confess
You're free to laugh
At those that have less
Take what's theirs
Steal their ideas
Neither loser nor winner
Neither master nor beginner
There are all types
Of shadows that walk the city
Who take comfort in mediocrity
You will be surprised
You may even be shocked
When you realize time is money,
You will make friends with the clock
A time to sleep
A time to get dressed
Brush your teeth
Go to work, without stress
A time to play
Do the same thing every day
No excuses, money to spend
A time to unwind
A time to throw a rubber band
Into the eye of your friend
In the end
No need for a sharp mind
No need to understand
For we're all just putty
In someone else's hand.

I struggle to explain what I'm witnessing
What difference does it make, when you don't have a voice
It would be nice to talk to a human being
The lonely life I live, is only partially by choice

I can't let go of this feeling I have
It's one I've had since I was a child
Of the need to brace for constant attacks
Like being surrounded by scorpions and snakes in the wild

I come from a narcissistic family and it shows
I bear all the classic symptoms and traits
Evading reality is all I know
A lonely life is all that waits

My heart jumps at sudden noises
From a leaf rustling in the wind when I'm walking
To new messages, to new voices
It's always about me they're talking

Still I hope that in the end
All those people who betrayed me
Will change and be my friends
And we'll live as a family

I cast the distractions aside and begin a process
Of untwisting the ball of tangled thoughts
Can't sleep, it's gotten late
Just want to think straight

I'm so very mad at the world
I hurt myself today
I nearly coughed out a lung and hurled
From smoking and drinking to feel ok

How come the wrong people stick in the human mind?
How come bad events, most unkind circumstances float in the head, while the good is well hidden, difficult to find?
Why is it so hard to rest, sleep and properly unwind?

I'm in for it now, she's in my head
I can't make bread, thinking of lead
Through her brain, I wish she was dead
Things like this better left unsaid

There are many people who hurt me but I don't want revenge
I'm not deranged, I just want them to feel remorse
I'm venting, it'll come in due course
For now I must be patient

Not many men wear skirts
but many women wear pants
When women and children are leaders
no one is happy
Men worshipping idols
Women chasing money and independence
Turning our backs on the Lord
Afraid and in dismay
Men kneel before their mothers wanting to go back
into her arms to **** on her ****** once again

Men are catty and ready to fight for no reason
Women have *** with so many partners it's disgusting
We have ****** men who want wives but can't find one
Women are all on social media with multiple accounts
A successful marriage is like winning the lottery these days
The churches are being undermined and attacked by government

A government that labels Christians mentally ill
and medicates them till they are complacent
Obey and you're free
Forced to lie by the liars
It's what they're doing to the saints
Rubbing dirt in the eyes of God's children
I am against the world and the system
I am perpetually prepared for martyrdom
My heart's treasures are in heaven not on earth
They hated the the old prophets they hate me too