Sifting memories through a mesh
Trying to clean my mind like a litter box
Until all that remains is fresh
Still I haven't learned what to do
With the *** and the poo
I tried throwing my own crap at it
I tried swallowing it
I even tried to sit on it
No matter what I do I can't discard it
There is no trash bin that will erase it
I suppose I have to work with it

There will come a time
when you ask for forgiveness
and I will accept your apology
but then I will tell you
if you are around me
keep your nakedness to yourself
It's appalling to me

I have no future
Never had one
I just obeyed others' voices
And did what I was told

My acts of rebellion
Self-harm and drugs
Act according to flesh
Satisfy my appetite

I stay away from women
Because that is what I desire
And I learned early on
That I cannot have what I want

Too much time alone
No one to trust
But I'd stick my hand out
Into fire to pull you out

My life is a sacrifice
I am a target
For people to point at and cast into the dirt
To inflate their ego

I see evil people
They're the ones that abused me in school
And set themselves above me
By twisted right and authority

I pray for vengeance
I want revenge against the wicked
Yet deep down I hope my curses fail
I try to forgive

How much longer must I endure
The pleasures of this world don't entice me
The riches and glamour are not for me
The pain in my soul has infected my body

I saw the traps
Yet went right in
She hunted me down
Chewed me up
And spat me out

She was there when I went down
She was there when I was made a clown
She turned her back as I drowned
I begged and cried, don't let me die
She just sighed and said goodbye

I am the darkness she locked me in
I am possessed by what has been
Disturbed by what I continually see
I refuse to let go and break free
Yet there's still fight left in me

I will not rest
I will not cease
I'll devise a plan
She'll come crawling back
On hands and knees

Then I'll beat her till she's sore
I will make her beg for more
Ensure the pain sinks to her core
And when she knows she's done for
I will strike a blade through the *****

I don't really know
But I know someone who does
Therefore I know too

Hatred and love are similar emotions
Especially when the one you loved
Is the one you now fear
You tried to feed me to your dogs
And feast on my tears
But I fought your dogs and won

You blotted my sun
You could have told me the truth
That we weren't meant to share fate
You left me to figure it out
and pick up the pieces of my broken heart
on my own

My heart isn't stone
But my uptick is steady
While you gradually decrease
Into a faded memory
My compassion for you will cease
And I'll do nothing as you gasp, like you did to me

I've given gifts to my sisters
And honoured my father
Was kind to my mother
And prayed for my brothers
But I never bothered
To reach for the stars
To live for myself
And not for another

I'm not a go-getter
Yet I risk my neck
Because they are better
And I am a wreck
I was always behind
Through painful neglect
Their feelings are mine
Forever to protect

But they see me as a slacker
For my heart is cracked
I lack stability
And mending a broken heart
Is beyond their ability
I'm poor as the dirt road that led me
Here to the point where I can see
That all I've ever wanted
Was for someone to support me
So I wouldn't always need
To stand on my feet

Oh forgetfulness!
When I taste of your nectar so sweet
I feel a loving embrace that numbs my anguish
I am afflicted by bruises that never heal
Made victim of people I can't openly accuse
My sober mind has become a den of horror
My loved ones do not feel any sympathy for me
Out in the cold streets is where I belong
Living in a tent surrounded by trees and the elements
For I could not manage my own house
Reality is a blur for the addict
It's hard to tell what's real or imaginary
Small acts of disrespect I blow out of proportion
Small agitations make me inclined to violence
I fear myself more than anything
If I were to be honest with God
I would tell him I am no longer useful
My words slump to the ground
There is no vigour or persuasiveness in them
My relationships have all ended in failure
Too many burned bridges lead to dead ends
I wander aimlessly without direction
Like an abandoned and ***** dog am I
I hope to find any scrap of belonging
People pass me without any knowledge
That I was once a vibrant little boy
Worthy of a bright future but alas!
I am a deeply disturbed man
All these thoughts never leave me alone

When a person stumbles, the catch their fall;
if a person is fallen, can they get up at all?

Each time I worry I stumble and stall
With you if I fall, won't feel it at all
For you I fell fast, forget the past
You are my friend, others don't last

Some people shun you, others can't bear
Yet I can take you anywhere
You help me do things I wouldn't normally dare
You make me forget each worry and care

I grasp your neck, and bring you to my lips
The more I indulge, the more I relax my grip
Until I fall and disappear
Into a void of temporary cheer

Love sees things
It goes in all directions
Sometimes it demands
self-sacrifice

It's like a ray of light
A flashlight held in your mind
Uncovering, illuminating
Giving meaning to life

The world is messed up
It's ugly and *****
If you give it some love
you can start making arrangements

I am so very tired
of hiding my love
Each time I do
I feel like I'm lying

And my heart starts racing
And my stomach starts hurting
I implode into myself
But love demands sacrifice

Hail to the fire
May the light never wane
For fire I am yearning
I am enlightened by pain
My stomach keeps turning
I am covered by shame
My eyes reflect the burning
I am drawn to the light like a moth to the flame

Fire like water
Cleanses in its own way
Just like my father
Who would work me all day
Just like the visions
Of mockery all night
Constant divisions
Had to learn how to fight

Fire like water
Makes my nightmares float away
They turn into dreams, I can think on all day
Where the morning-bird sings
Where I grow wings
And fly to heaven
I remember the King
Walking upon the water
Commanding fire from above
Ohhh
The pain
The pain
I need fatherly love
In this place
In your heart
I need help from above
How I long for peace
And for fatherly love
For a bit of release
When my task here is done

Thanks for the pleasure
And the adventure
We had fun in our leisure
Where I was your pleaser
I offered my treasure
You took without measure
I'm the poem in your folder
You're the liability in my ledger
My chain and my boulder
The fly on my shoulder
As I get older
I grow colder
As you get older
Your crimes get bolder
I needed the lesson
To regain my vision
But you don't need my lecture
So you left without closure

I tried to be stern in all that I did, I had to learn I cannot put a lid on you.
I tried to be meek and kind, but you only thought I was weak and losing my mind, how untrue!
Whether the **** or the softie, I just cant make it work.
Whatever happens, wherever you go, I hope you can forgive me, and we'll both live where the clear waters flow and the plants grow.
I never wanted you to suffer, not the way I suffer, it's a wonder I can't see past my blunders.
I am no less than you, nor do I deem myself better; if we could meet in the middle, I could fulfill what I said in the letter, that
I love you, and my love is to let you go.

Hatred and ignorance is all so temporary
It leads to death, definitely
I see it everywhere, I hear it all around
Wherever there are people, there it can be found

But what is the cause of ignorance and hate?
One gets hurt, then wants to retaliate
He finds a scapegoat, then on a whim
He targets those weaker than him

I dread violence, I hate crookedness
Hatred is a sign of weakness and cowardice
Its fruit is violence, its seed is wickedness
The true warrior fights his own bitterness

I have been struggling all my life
Against those who cause strife
I would get on a raft and cast myself out to sea
Just to put cursing and mocking far from me

Ignorance and hatred are my enemy
I fight inner battles, but not outwardly
Sometimes I get hurt, sometimes they inflict pain,
Yet I know like the phoenix I'll rise again.

Like rain on a wildfire
When will relief finally come
I'm so very tired
I beg for death

Everyone has turned aside
And followed their hearts
I'm left in the dust
With my traditional ways

In God I trust
I'm zealous and sure
Yet have no one to speak to
Who believes like I do

My treasures cannot be seen
My good deeds go unnoticed
Everyone has turned their backs
And followed their own paths

The proud have their lives
I am devoid in all matters
Robbed of my senses
Horrified by what I see

Father come soon
The ways of the world are not for me
Take me away
Where I can rest from the pain

Your story is interesting
Unique and brilliant
No need to omit it
Glory is imminent
The people against you
Have all been defeated

You are very much needed

I sometimes wonder why I'm here
Unable to find joy in what I have near
It's clear I must fight for what I want out of life
Yet I'm tired of poking the hive with a knife
To eat honey at the expense of strife
Fighting for life when none can survive

I need all these things to live
Yet I'm empty handed when it's time to give
I want help and compassion but it's not what I gave
No matter how hard I try I can't forgive
True judgement's concealed behind the grave
My personal judgement makes me a knave
I want my foes in hell but I want to be saved
The hypocrite in me is stuck in a torrential rain
Rotting and sick, I point finger and blame

I am told to be strong, I am told I will die
I heard rumours of a place where fallen angels lie
Where dead men groan and angry snakes hiss
Will I go there if my life goes amiss?
Or am I already saved as the protestants say
Yet today my sun is gone and the clouds are grey

Each person's a star, suppose I'm the same
Where fire of sin burns, I want out of this game
I am obsessed with wanting to ***** out the flame
Yet all is so vain, and there's nothing to gain
Between life and death I'm stuck and torn
Would it have been better to have never been born?

I can't see around the bend, but I can look around
Inside my mind no remembrance to be found
If I could look backwards, not in hindsight but in replay
Perhaps then I would remember and learn from each day

But I can't
Nothing's sorted
All my memories are distorted
I can't control them, especially the ones I'm trying to

Forget
Drown out
Sleep off
Part with

I dwell in the shadows, I refuse to see
Yet I'm frequently bothered by some memory
It's hard to know what's true and real
When in a moment you can feel

Pride and cheer
Then blinding fear
Sadness here
Anger there
Did it really happen, should I care?

The world's a stage, it's all a show
Memories come, and memories go
Nobody's perfect
I can't pretend
That what I know didn't happen
I must be stronger
I must get you off my shoulders
I want to grow
And be at peace with what I know

So this is goodbye
No closure
Just a feint of composure
I know it's the end
For I cried in your presence
And broke down

It's how relationships die
You won't forgive me
I understand why
Now all I can do
Is forget about you

So I retreat and act sullen
Heartbroken and fallen
I swallow the pain
Knowing I will never
Go down that path again

You're not to blame
I will find someone new
I will honour their name
As long as they remain
Faithful and true

I try so hard
to control my mind
It goes where it pleases
thinks whatever it wants
It usually goes back
to traumatizing events
I have to refute them
and get back on my feet

What's the use
I do no harm
I do no good
Locked in my room

What's the use
Keep my head low
I have these feelings
I cannot show

Yet in my head
Behind the soot
There is a spark
That life is good

But what's the use
I do not choose
I don't consent
I don't refuse

What I'm seeing
An inner war
For the core
Of my inner being

What goes inside me
I feel within me
Wanna breathe out the old
And smell something new

I wanted friends
Instead I got foes
Who in the end
Ushered my woes

Some people at first
Seem kind and respectful
Then they turn for the worst
To duty forgetful

I wanted a family
To feel safe and secure
But now I can see
That nothing is sure

I loiter about
All times of the day
I learned to stay out
Of people's way

I tried sleeping
I slid into bed
Then came creeping
These thoughts in my head

Why don't you call?
I know you are free
I'm not the one to make you fall
Why do you hate me?

Whenever I think of you
Why did you abuse me so?
Now that I see what's true
I will just let go

For I will have new memories
As I live
And I will recall my enemies
And I will forgive

I cannot
live
like most

to travel
from coast
to coast

to eat
my fill
of roast

to raise
a glass
a toast

For I
have naught
to boast

I am
just like
a ghost

I live
just like
a corpse

No sound
escapes
my throat

Sometimes
I feel
remorse

Still I
can't leave
my post

I do
not have
a choice

until
I find
my voice

I tried to lead by example
To tell the truth and speak with love
Against an army of demonic sinners
I waged war against evil
For her

After all I invested in her
Sweat from work
Tears of anguish
I even shed my blood once
For her

And then what does she do
She ***** some guy
Behind my back
Thus making herself worthless
A failed investment

And then she tries to come back
As if nothing ever happened
Well, I haven't moved on
But the love I reserved for her
Is now wrath and I will cry against her

Why are the wicked preserved
Why are their lives prolonged
Their crimes are not met with swift recourse
They laugh at their victims
Make sport of their lives

I feel sapped
A bloodsucking succubus has sunk her claws into me
I can no longer fight
I feel so weak
I doubt myself

Yet my life is a breath
And despite my rage I see what I once was
A sinner of varying degree
So I will wait for justice
As my patience is tested

I found myself in an unfamiliar place
I was fiending for love, then I saw her face
She was pretty and fair, with blonde hair
Pretty to the sight, she was wearing white that day.

I saw another strange thing:
A human with armour, flying without wings.
I tried to chase after him  into the sky,
But I could not keep up, and before I could sigh
He transformed me into a statue, and I fell from up high.

I then saw the two anomalies conversing with each other;
The man came to me and said brother,
This girl wants a *******, what do you say?
I said, while there is still time, let sin have its day.

He said, do you want to lose your soul?
Do you want to go down to the hole?
As we were speaking, a third person appeared;
The man gave his attention to him,
And they neared to converse.
They spoke as if in verse, then one said to the other, enough;
They turned away from me and flew off.

So I went to the woman, and we found a bed;
As I was about to go into her, she turned red.
Her hair fell off, she grew horns and a tail;
At the sight of her I grew dizzy and pale.
i shrieked and my knees grew weak,
And I could smell her - she started to reek.

Then I woke up, and started to think
About the folly of lust, and what it brings;
The sin of fornication is one we should avoid,
It’s something I’m learning with my time in the void.

I never chased the things I lacked
Hoped they would just come around
People ask what's with the frown
Some things gone do not come back
It's not what I lack that has me down
It's that I didn't cherish the things I had
In the well of thoughts I drowned
Now I'm like a fish going round and round
Or an angry bitter hound
Forever stuck to a pole in the ground
The ball and chain, to which I'm bound
If I break free, I will be glad
With a mind that is clear and sound
To face the good, endure the bad

I am my dad's child, an abused son
Whenever he'd lie, I would cry
Whenever he called me, I would run
We never could see eye to eye
His face was the illusion of the sun
But without the warmth, I couldn't fly
I'd stare into the barrel of his gun
To me it was comforting, that I could die
Now I shun the people that live for fun
I don't say hi or good day or goodbye
Instead I look at the ground and what I've done
And how I've fallen having never been high
By merely surviving, I couldn't have won
Yet for whom do I live, for what and why?

A boy appeared, so bright and pure
He thought forever he'd endure
A girl adored his charming grace
She knew his ways, he knew his place

He wanted to give her a piece of his heart
Hoping she'd give him hers so they'd never part.
But he knew not how to say no;
Infatuated and unguided, he gave her his soul.

She took his soul, like food on a plate;
She swallowed it whole, alone she ate.
And when he came to see her face,
she turned away, and left the place.

After that a part of him slowed,
not knowing why, so slightly it showed.
His graceful light was being robbed from him,
A part he thought would never fade.

Not wanting to be seen, he no longer walked the land
His knees became weak, he could hardly stand
His face so pale, and weight he gained
He turned to alcohol to help his pain

But then the darkness began to fade
He didn't know he was dreaming, that he'd awake
He knew he must not choose such a fate
Chapter closed, he'll have to wait

The passion was palpable
And so unforgettable
Too bad it ended
So regrettably
Lust's unpredictable
You're not always able
To know someone fully
Soul mates improbable
The start indescribable
The end so despicable
Leaving me so unstable
What I did was laughable
Falling in love so deceivable
But what you did was evil
Playing games like the devil
One day so huggable
The next unloveable
Now I feel so uncomfortable
My life so unliveable
Yet I gained a new level
I feel more untouchable
I will do what is viable
And be indestructible
We will both find a new place
It is undeniable
We will close the file
And not live in denial

Starting from the bottom I wanted to scale the ladder
Tried to hone my craft and turn out the winner
They pyramid was tall and I knew I could fall
In the end I understood nothing at all
For they sabotaged my efforts so I failed in my tasks
Discouraged and lost I turned to the flask
Drinking and high all washed up and burned
In examining me they left no stone unturned
Humiliation set in every waking day
I was put away, but in the end I'm just clay
They tried but couldn't break my hope
The thought of death actually helps me cope
I know the end is better than the start
And I hope in heaven you and I have a part
Evil and corruption come and pass
But these things are but a kingdom of glass
Naked and scared, all will know their sin
Nowhere to run, they will be exposed just like I have been
And they will learn nothing to them was ever owed
While those who walked in purity will be clothed

With my eyes jarring wide
My lips sing your song
The words make me cry
Make me feel I belong

The song is so bright
Took my soul out the pit
The urge I must fight
The urge to steal it

I wished I could write
Such a powerful song
I searched all night
But my heart was all wrong

Then one starry night
I felt a cold winter breeze
A few notes took flight
And landed on my knees

Like a stark thunder peal
Like a sharp wind in spring
At once I could feel
The song I must sing

Being shy
I open my hands
Whatever I get
I feel content
I don't ask for more
Or less
The wall is enough
The shadows on the ceiling
Make me feel a certain way
There is nothing on earth
That doesn't make me feel
Something or another
As long as I feel
I know I'm alive
I can't turn back time
Can't forward the clock
My mission has ended
So I sit with my thoughts
I know I'm being tested
But I feel so tired
My excuse is
I'm half asleep
Then I get shocked
Then I go back to sleep
I'm on leave
Until I get back up
Show me what there is
I'm missing
And please stop
Hurting me

If you ain't good, you ain't interesting

Poetry
is heaven sent
Not easy to write
something magnificent
It's pretty late
into the night
I close my eyes
to acquire sight
I want to write
my mind is still
I have to fight
the forlorn will
to end the night
and simply say
opportunity will knock
some other day
but I'm past the age
where opportunity knocks
I need to think
outside the box
and be myself
write something that rocks
or at least
something that doesn't ****
I need to break
this writer's block
I look at the ceiling
Look down at the clock
Stare into nothingness
as boredom mocks
the writer in me
Just my luck
This poem is about nothing
who gives a ****

Not many men wear skirts
but many women wear pants
When women and children are leaders
no one is happy
Men worshipping idols
Women chasing money and independence
Turning our backs on the Lord
Afraid and in dismay
Men kneel before their mothers wanting to go back
into her arms to **** on her ****** once again

Men are catty and ready to fight for no reason
Women have *** with so many partners it's disgusting
We have ****** men who want wives but can't find one
Women are all on social media with multiple accounts
A successful marriage is like winning the lottery these days
The churches are being undermined and attacked by government

A government that labels Christians mentally ill
and medicates them till they are complacent
Obey and you're free
Forced to lie by the liars
It's what they're doing to the saints
Rubbing dirt in the eyes of God's children
I am against the world and the system
I am perpetually prepared for martyrdom
My heart's treasures are in heaven not on earth
They hated the the old prophets they hate me too

In the gap between sorrow and joy
Where the cowardly rest eternal
Where the mood is continually dull
And the cup is always half full
There the colour is only grey
And the lines are always straight
There the clock has stopped to fate
And there is no love and hate
There a dog barks but cannot bite
There a man drinks but cannot sate
And though he begs and talks all day
No one listens anyway
That is where I find myself
When I just do as I please
Though I'm content and at ease
Even God cannot help such as these
For this is the result of one-way prayer
This is lukewarmness that can never cease
This is worse than a disease
This is the end result of a desire to be free

For tribes and races
Borders and fences
Are wholly needed
Keep them separated
America is Babylon
***** of the ancients
Where history is erased
And truth is defaced
She places her children
On pedestals of fame
Then sends them to hell
Where they burn in flames
And she laughs
And shifts blame
America the great
To her its a game

I dwell in cold places
Devoid of human warmth
Wherein are many faces
Of the human will they're born
Rich in human traces
Though lost to humankind
When I feel I'm about to fall
When I'm about to go blind
My paintings on the wall
Keep me alive
To dream of a different time

I walk through frozen landscapes
Where ice and snow take form
Can't drink the blood of grapes
To bring my temperature to norm
To my face the task,
To my back a stick
On my face a mask
I build things brick by brick
Though my feet are blistered and torn
And my shoes are withered and worn
Still the rhythm of music
Is keeping me warm

The life I have
is what I was given
by the almighty God
No choice but to live it
I feel honoured and privileged
to take abuse from the livid
who fight against God
and Christ who is risen
With this I am busy
The LORD guides my feet
I try not to judge
but my judgement is concrete
For the work I conceive
Life I receive
It's a joy to believe
You cannot deceive
I tell real from fake
I know lamb from snake
For the most high talks to me
and protects me for his sake
Through the valley of poison
My heart remains open
The fact I'm still standing
I owe it to him

The Lord doesn't teach em
The devil don't attack em
They're walking in sin
With a proud grin

The way it's always been
Wholly untouched
Their folly is much
Their condescendence is such

Mockery and ill will
If they could, they would ****
Now it's my job to put up with them
I'll slice the bud at the stem

If you have a fighting soul
Here's a call
Rock and roll
Destroy them all

As I walk the tightrope that leads to life
I look down at the bottomless *****
I see those covered in shadow and slime
Who fell away; I tighten my *****
For I know what will happen if I fall
Something the dead won't confess at all
Because they've lost all grace and hope
I hold on to faith, the eternal tightrope

Picture an abandoned well
Devoid of water, or an empty shell
After a long period of drought,
Only an echo can be heard about
The voice that made sense is no longer found
Chaotic and disorderly is the sound
An inner tempest is the norm,
Battered heavy by the storm
If you tear me apart, or break me open,
You will see, it's as I've spoken
And my looks, it's not pretty
I look like a sideshow character from the city
Wrinkles on my face cause a perma-frown,
All of love has let me down
Yet I don't want anyone else to feel pain
So from aggression I refrain
For as the sun dawns, and then must set,
To rise again, so it's not over yet
The cards will reset, the tables will turn
And all those that hurt me will have to learn
That I am loved, and the pain I feel is due to sin
I am careful, for the path to life is narrow and thin
I will regain all that was lost, and once again be sane;
I will be filled with life again.

Frozen and lost
Trapped on this road
They all said to move
and not to be slow
Now it's time to go
but where should I go
and why would I not
want to be where I was?
But time has a cost
it proves against all
the longer one stalls
the less one grows
and before you know
you're pinned to the floor
feeble and poor
asking for more
I continue to sit
where the wind doesn't blow
stagnant and alone
utterly thrown
Into a world where the light
is the glow of a computer screen
and the only hope
is the next hit of dopamine
Now what do I have
on this earth, in this place
Nothing to show
A complete disgrace
cause I went with the flow
to a world without rest
Now I'm stuck in this space
to clean up my mess

If there's a reason to envy the wicked, it's this
They're well aware life is glorious
Their lives are bliss, no fear instilled
Their cups and bowls are always filled
They get what they want, live by do as thou wilt
They grow old, and die knowing no guilt

I am not like this, terror all around
Deep in my heart, nervous fatigue is found
They lock me up without answering why
They'd shoot me down if I tried to fly
They lean on me, then watch me fall
Before stepping and walking on me in front of all

And so I'm stuck, trapped in fear
While my enemies mock and cheer
As if pain and persecution is a jest
Though my life is gruelling, I can attest
Their hearts are hardened, mine's like clay
I adapt to suffering, they run away

I see your call
I pick up the phone and stall
Maybe I answer and say
Baby where have you been...?
Why haven't you been around...

This scenario plays in my mind
Yet I know what your answer would be
I wasn't very kind to you
I wanted to change your truth
And now I regret the present

Yes I have lost you, sure
Now your absence speaks in honest words
I thought we would journey worlds
I must move on, not to dwell
And hope to see us some day well

Something hidden from the wise
And yet to fools, is no surprise
The depth and gravity of yearning eyes
That magnetically spellbind with attractive lies

Puts black holes to shame
Different day different name
Those who see through the game
Flee the soul trap all the same

Yet when it dies, is a relief
For it is a power thief
Else it might live long enough to see
And know the truth, which is worse I believe

I run because I can’t stand being near you
If I run faster, it might dry my tears
But I’ll never get back the years I’ve wasted on you

Don't be too humble, or you'll get what you need
The school of hard knocks will be the life you lead
Until you groan and moan about your cruel fate
And people will take and eat what you should have ate.

Don't be too aggressive, or you'll get what you want
And full of good things you'll sneer and taunt
Until you realize you lived too fast
And choked on life and cannot last.

I have seen those who take pride in their faithlessness
When the going gets tough, they crumble.
I have seen those who take pride in their faithfulness
How they look at others and grumble.

Some say it takes time, but that is not entirely true;
When you eat food, time will not chew for you.
Some look at depth, some see only length;
Enlightenment and ignorance both can be used for strength.

A good feeling is not a trophy one puts on a shelf.
Every moment I am working on myself.
I have no need for naysayers or proponents
I simply acknowledge my good and bad moments.

Fix the bad, then do good;
It's human nature, as it should.
Some see only what's nice, some see only what's vice
Yet once you uncover a memory, no need to do it twice.