I think about you more now
than when you was alive
and I hate myself for that.
I hate that
I always took you being there for granted
and didn’t visit as much as I should of.
People would always say
“you’ll regret it when she dies”
but I was young (and knew everything).

I knew the time would eventually come
when I would have to mourn you
and I tried to prepare myself for that day.
But nothing can prepare you,
not for losing someone
who’s the reason for your own existence
(without you, there would be no me).

I’m glad I took the time
to get to know you, to hear your stories.
My Childhood memories of you
were some of the happiest moments in my life and I feel a great sense of comfort and security reminiscing about times past.
Even the smallest of things
evoke such a magical sense of pacification.
Watching Wimbledon tennis on a lazy summer afternoon.
A chicken sandwich(sprinkled with a pinch of salt)
for the journey on the fast train to the Seaside
and even a hall light left on as reassurance for the young child that it will warn off things that go bump in the night.

I think about all you’ve been through in life,
A World War, Marriage/Divorce,
all the friends and family you’ve loved and lost
(how do you recover from something like that without losing a piece of who you are?)
I was so ecstatic telling you I was going to be a dad
and so very empty and distraught
when we lost the baby to God’s wrath.
I really wanted to make you a Great Grandmother
before life timed out…

The Teddy Bear you bought my child
is like a priceless treasure
(and will be looked after and loved forever)
as will the Wedding ring your wore for 72 years,
for better and worse,
now safely on my fifth digit
and following my journey through life

They say “time is a great healer” I disagree.
All time does is show you how precious each given moment
with the people we love is.
You never forgot and never stop loving them,
you just slowly learn to let go and accept the fact
they’re no longer of this world but forever in our hearts

Don't try to understand
how a harmers mind works,
You’ll never figure it out.
It’s so much more about when life really hurts,
Can’t find the reason your down

Cut myself to feel good
The blade enhances my mood
The quick release from each wound
So the suffering ends

Funny feeling, hard to describe,
It slowly eats at your soul
Spreads and multiplies till it’s fully inscribed
Now you’ve got no self-control

Cut myself to feel good
The blade enhances my mood
A painful decrease withstood
So the suffering ends

Dark little secret twisted and sick
The marks you bare over time
A mental weakness that’s got you in a fix
Personal Jekyll and Hyde

Cut myself to feel good
The blade enhances my mood
Appease the Demons of doom
So the suffering ends

Cold sweat breaks
my breath draws thin
Can’t think straight
what I’m doing
Hesitate, my mouth is dry
I’m afraid that I might die

Mind warped by poisonous thoughts
cut to the quick & distraught

Sickness feeling in my gut,
cold with fear, but burning up
Legs start shaking, knees they knock
nerves are fraying, round the clock

Mind warped by poisonous thoughts
Cut to the quick & distraught

Brainwaves send me out a fax
stop me dead right in my tracks
My endorphins are diseased
feed on my low self esteem

Mind warped by poisonous thoughts
Cut to the quick & distraught

You got sight, but can't see
blinded by the lies and **** she feeds
Unaware the traps been sprung with hate
please beware because you've bit the bait

Twisting lies to a make believe truth
you think your right, but you're only gonna lose
You can't disguise the fact that there's no proof
this undeniable ruse

Poison thoughts, condemned
no intentions made to make amends
set in stone inside your head it's her
Your the judge and executioner

Twisting lies to a make believe truth
It's no surprise it's the innocent accused
You can't deny jealousy has you seduced
standing in wait with your noose

No regrets, no remorse
sponsored hate for her that you endorse
Can't forget, forgive, or be at peace
too blind to see the forest for the tree's

Twisting lies to a make believe truth
willing to sacrifice us because of you
Your cold as ice with your narrow minded view
set in your ways stuck like glue

Since I've found you, my life’s more complete.
Just being around you, makes my living sweet.
Do you think it’s true, fate wanted us to meet?
Do you feel it too, or is it just me?
When you’re away, why does my heart ache?
Why do I feel lost without you?

You changed my life more than you know
You made things right, why did you go?
For the first time in years home feels like home
You killed the fears that stopped my mind growing
You made the day, made me whole again
Made me glad to have lived what I'd been through

You painted your colour over my black and white life
Gave love like no other, gave sight to blind eyes
Shared your smiles and laughter,
kept me warm on cold nights
Hid your personal disaster by swallowing your pride

No words I can say to prolong your short stay
Except I LOVE YOU so much,
without you life’s not the same

Since I've lost you, it’s hard to move on
No one can replace you, now that you’re gone
Memories linger, where your presence once shone
To run, laugh, love, live with you is all I want.

I can't remember a lot of things
about my stay in hospital,
And what memories I do have,
are like grainy black & white photo stills,
Shot frame by frame.

It might be my mind's way of dealing with the trauma it suffered.
It could even be the cordial amount of
pain-relieving drugs
that kept me in a constant hallucinogenic
"Alice in Wonderland" false reality.

But I distinctly remember Kate
the nurse from Ireland
and the way she was always there to comfort and reassure me
every time I was readied
for another big operation.

Her fragrant smile
and kindness in her eyes
(were almost angelic)
and with a hint of “Florence Nightingale”
in her professionalism,
life’s darker moments
melted into a bastion of love
and vibrant colors.

You saw me come into this world
I saw you go out
You saw me crying as I was born
You saw me crying as you died
You used to gently stroke my head, to fall asleep
I gently stroked your head, as you fell asleep forever
As this terminal state ends, one circle of life completes
as another lies pending
And as time runs its due course,
it will someday be my turn at death
And you’ll be holding my hand
and stroking my head
until the flame from my corpse candle finally blows out…forever