Less than zero feeling
Crestfallen,
disbelieving
The tears & pain of grieving
The life that never was

Monumental heartbreak
Transcending soul to Heaven’s gate
A better place where Nanny waits
For the life that never was

Questions asked,
a futile act
Genesis masked by eternal nap
The hole that’s left to fill your gap
Of a life that never was

One day we’ll eventually meet
And marvel at what could’ve been
A Lifetime of love from your mum and me
God bless my child rest in peace

Don't try to understand
how a harmers mind works,
You’ll never figure it out.
It’s so much more about when life really hurts,
Can’t find the reason your down

Cut myself to feel good
The blade enhances my mood
The quick release from each wound
So the suffering ends

Funny feeling, hard to describe,
It slowly eats at your soul
Spreads and multiplies till it’s fully inscribed
Now you’ve got no self-control

Cut myself to feel good
The blade enhances my mood
A painful decrease withstood
So the suffering ends

Dark little secret twisted and sick
The marks you bare over time
A mental weakness that’s got you in a fix
Personal Jekyll and Hyde

Cut myself to feel good
The blade enhances my mood
Appease the Demons of doom
So the suffering ends

When I had you, I didn’t know at the time
what a beautiful thing it was, for you to be mine
Since we parted, I now realize
we stopped before we started,
it was a dead end in disguise
You were the best thing that ever happened to me
I can’t let go the thought of you even though we’re history

Because I lost you,
lost you to another guy
One who makes you happy
& who doesn’t make you cry
Yeah, I lost you & it tears me up inside
I treated you so badly
I wonder how I could have been so blind

When I had you, I tried to change who you were
reconstruct & re-arrange, until the real you was a blur
Broken hearted, it’s a role now reprised
another dear departed, a love I lost that died
The way you held me tight & looked into my eyes
made me feel so loved, it kept me warm inside
The thought of you not there beside me in my life
kills me more & more each day like a stab wound from a knife

Because I lost you,
lost you to another guy
One who makes you happy
& who doesn’t make you cry
Yeah, I lost you & there’s not a day gone by
That I don’t think about you babe,
honey this is not a lie

I’m haunted daily by the memories I have,
There’s no escaping, the ghost that you left behind
I know it’s crazy but my lonely hearts still aching
you were My World, My Light, My Life

Yeah, I lost you,
lost you to another guy
One who makes you happy
& who doesn’t make you cry
Yeah, I lost you & although I try & try
you cannot escape my thoughts,
you are always on my mind

I miss the friends that I had when I was ten
Growing up is, growing out of
Innocence and people’s lives
Friendships break, like china plates
And I'm all but one of a ten-piece set

Why do people have to change?
Hearts die when they come of age
Youth is lost forever, dead and gone to heaven
Child hood is over now.

I miss the days, when my life was fun and games
Wild and free, so naive
And as reckless as I chose to be.
The more we grow, the more we learn
About life and love, and emotions

Why do people have to change?
Split and go their separate ways
Once the link is severed, it can't be put back together
Child hood is lost somehow

I miss the time, Nan would read me nursery rhymes
Hall lights on, so ghosts are gone
Closet Monsters kept at bay
The past it holds, memories so gold
Precious keepsake times
Of the ones who died

Why do people have to change?
Drift apart till their estranged
If we could endeavour, fight and not surrender
Childhood would stand its ground

I guess it’s true what they say
about blondes having more fun
If you’re sad & feel grey
then she’ll liven you up
Make you smile when you’re starting to frown
pick you up, when the World brings you down

Like a Christmas Angel at the top of the tree
she shines like a rainbow in the air that I breathe
Innocent like fresh falls of snow
don’t ever let your innocence go

Hayley Powell
can you show me how
Not to take life too seriously
because I want to laugh not scowl

When a favour’s in question, it’s hard to say no!
you can’t help but save her from the perils of woe
She could charm the birds right out of the trees
unite the World with her laughter & peace

Hayley Powell
can you show me how
Not to sink in misery
because I want to float not drown

She don’t get out the wrong side of bed
she resembles Phoebe from the comedy Friends
Like the Moon that glows when all else is dark
she’s the happiness I lack in my heart

Bad Taste
You can pass me by, but I don’t care
You can turn your head, like I’m not there
You can call me names, and laugh and stare
You can let me down, like you let down air

You can dice me, you can slice me
You can marinate and spice me
But it’s you who’ll have
The bad taste in your mouth

You can ***** and curse, and put me down
Say I’m nothing, Kick me out the house
Complain you feel ashamed, that I’m your son
Lucky for you, I’m not your only one

You can bend me, you can break me
You can scream out loud you hate me
But you know I’ll leave a bad taste in your mouth

You can say I look just like my dad
But I’ll erase that from your quoting pad
But I guess deep down I know it’s true
And just for that I hate you and him too

You can hang me, or behead me,
Spike my food with something deadly
But it’s you who’ll have
The bad taste in your mouth

I’ve not used any controlled substances for over 2 years now
and any of the cravings I used to get eventually passed by with
time, but I still break out in a panic stricken sweat when I see
people using ******* on the street. An irrational voice inside my
head tells me my dopamine starved mind needs to feed the beast
that mediates so much pleasure to it..
A short lived level of fear hangs over me and a burning desire
to be absorbed by all its glory and ill famed charm.
It’s dominance is apparent in all heavy users whose serotonin
thresholds have not quite reached that level of addiction but are
only a few snorts short of having the monkey on back.
I know a film star whose eyes would literally dilate with
Elysium just from mentioning the rich mans aspirin, we both
shared an unhealthy appetite for copious amounts of opiates
and could’ve quite easily given Keith Richards a run for his
money. How we are both still alive, I don’t know.

When I first met Mr Marsh, I had no idea who he was.
He came off as abrupt, eccentric
and if I’m honest a little intimidating.
But once you look beyond this demeanour and see the true sincerity of his benevolence, you’re given an insight into what greatness truly is.
His compassion towards his patients and their family members was moving and he would come in on his days off to see how they were doingafter having lifesaving brain surgery.
It amazes me to think that this man
has seen a part of me that I will never see,
a place where every dark secret, sin, good and bad thoughts, loving feelingsand hatred is stored.
Without a doubt he saved my life,
although I can’t help but wonder how many failed operations it took to reach this level of excellence?
The burden of life and death that overshadows each critical fated incision is ineffable. The magnitude of pressure that comes with performing intricate turn of the tide operations must have weighed down on him like Atlas holding
up the sky on his shoulders.
I met Mr Marsh again 12 years later, he didn’t recognise me but mused at the scars on my head before declaring
“I take it I worked on you!”
What do you say to the man who saved your life?
Thank you and shake his hand? (It doesn't seem enough)
Mr Marsh in my opinion is what a true hero looks like,
he seemed genuinely pleased I was doing okay and even let me have my picture be taken with him
I’m forever grateful for his help
and feel privileged to be one of his success stories.

Father do you know my name
Do you know me at all?
How is it we’re not the same
Yet identical?
Rotten apple of your eye
Your footsteps I'll not tread
No words I know of to describe
Years gone I've wished you dead

Looking in the mirror
I see not myself
It’s your face that I'm now wearing
Your hands that I've been dealt

Father do you know my age?
Do you know how old I am?
Could you tell me at what stage?
I became a man?
Forgotten offspring, out of sight
Out of mind, neglect
A reject bin baby born of lies
Is easier to forget

Father do you feel ashamed
Do you have regrets?
Creating life is not some game
You put on as a bet
Error of your double life
A guilty secret kept
Already married with a wife
Familiarity breeds contempt

Think I’ll stay in today and just lie in bed
Waste my day, waste away
Maybe I’ll get up around 2 and just junk out on the sofa
But man, it’s so far
It’s like way down the hall in the living room
the dying room
where the space cadet expires room

Subhuman mind wandering, degenerate
suspended in the here and now
Absolution defined by pondering on opiates
repentant look, skin worn and sallow

Depleted mind set, sorrowful hindsight
the motivational lament of a wasted timeline
Mind explorer of inner visions
spell bind aura of my own prison
Self-inflicted fatalism
surrendered soul lost to attrition

I'm a freak
think I'll join a sideshow
I'll earn my keep
as one of nature’s sick jokes
for your amusement, I'll play along.

On their faces
a look of hatred
afraid of difference, normality is sacred
disfigured mentally
I am your entity.

Self-mutilation
deep cut graffiti
pains my salvation
the razorblade can free me
demented **** up
demented ****** up.

Lost like a child
pure as insecticide
Standing on trial
for being granted human life
condemned for breathing,
sorry for living.

Scar Cushion Geek
carnival freak
Type cast/out cast by society
No place for **** ups
demented **** ups

I think about you more now
than when you was alive
and I hate myself for that.
I hate that
I always took you being there for granted
and didn’t visit as much as I should of.
People would always say
“you’ll regret it when she dies”
but I was young (and knew everything).

I knew the time would eventually come
when I would have to mourn you
and I tried to prepare myself for that day.
But nothing can prepare you,
not for losing someone
who’s the reason for your own existence
(without you, there would be no me).

I’m glad I took the time
to get to know you, to hear your stories.
My Childhood memories of you
were some of the happiest moments in my life and I feel a great sense of comfort and security reminiscing about times past.
Even the smallest of things
evoke such a magical sense of pacification.
Watching Wimbledon tennis on a lazy summer afternoon.
A chicken sandwich(sprinkled with a pinch of salt)
for the journey on the fast train to the Seaside
and even a hall light left on as reassurance for the young child that it will warn off things that go bump in the night.

I think about all you’ve been through in life,
A World War, Marriage/Divorce,
all the friends and family you’ve loved and lost
(how do you recover from something like that without losing a piece of who you are?)
I was so ecstatic telling you I was going to be a dad
and so very empty and distraught
when we lost the baby to God’s wrath.
I really wanted to make you a Great Grandmother
before life timed out…

The Teddy Bear you bought my child
is like a priceless treasure
(and will be looked after and loved forever)
as will the Wedding ring your wore for 72 years,
for better and worse,
now safely on my fifth digit
and following my journey through life

They say “time is a great healer” I disagree.
All time does is show you how precious each given moment
with the people we love is.
You never forgot and never stop loving them,
you just slowly learn to let go and accept the fact
they’re no longer of this world but forever in our hearts

Living, knowing
your dying slowly
breathing dead air and memories
Waiting, hoping
wishing, if only
a cure can be found for your disease
Time is borrowed
Your eyes are hollow
Skin pale like moonlight
will you live to see tomorrow?
Sins forgiven
Last will and testament written
Funeral arrangements made
Hole dug and stone in place
Hole dug and stone in pla

At what point did our love become the enemy
Was happiness relegated to nothing but a memory
Was it written on the wall, that eventually we would fall
Did the planets un-align, had our sun begun to cool

I used to think that I knew you so well
Now I don’t know you anymore
I used to think that I knew you so well
But you’re not the same as before

When did the sound of a baby crying break serenity
Did sleepless nights become such a sick obscenity
Tiredness it seems, has taken over me
Can’t seem to function mentally or physically

I used to think that I knew me so well
Never saw the changes take place
I used to think that I knew me so well
Now a strangers wearing my face

When did time use up the main source of my energy
Did past life lessons become my teacher
and always humble me
All the mistakes I’ve made, made me the man I am today
Can’t justify my rights or wrongs
But I’m sorry all the same

I used to think that I knew how life was
Now the rules of the game have all changed
I used to think that I knew how life was
But we’re no longer on the same page

At what point did our love become uncertainty
Was happiness a momentary feeling
going AWOL and deserting me
How did we get this miserable? Were the signs invisible?
In time all things that rise, eventually have to fall

You saw me come into this world
I saw you go out
You saw me crying as I was born
You saw me crying as you died
You used to gently stroke my head, to fall asleep
I gently stroked your head, as you fell asleep forever
As this terminal state ends, one circle of life completes
as another lies pending
And as time runs its due course,
it will someday be my turn at death
And you’ll be holding my hand
and stroking my head
until the flame from my corpse candle finally blows out…forever

There was a young girl who sat opposite me on the train
journey home the other night who couldn’t have been more
than 17 years old.
As she turned her head towards the half opened window in the
carriage door, the push of cold air through the wind swept
tunnel blew her hair to the side revealing a deep 7 inch scar
from her eye to her chin.
You could see people in the same carriage look at her
disfigurement with ****** discrimination
and an interested curiosity .
Made uneasy by the sudden unwanted attention that was
drawn upon her, she coyly masked her face with her long
auburn hair and closed her eyes unaware this imperfection
made her all the more beautiful.

It’s the silly things that make you laugh,
the joy you bring by being daft
A simple smile that makes me feel alright
It’s your individuality, your multi-personality,
Your atmosphere that makes you shine so bright
It’s the way you make me stop & think,
how you analyze me like a shrink
The way you make me act a better man

Everywhere you go, you glow
Leaving a trail of mouths wide open
Everywhere you go, you know
Your flamboyant flairs outspoken

It’s the warmth you generate through love,
how your hugs they fit me like a glove
your caring nature, soothing voice & touch
It’s the way you scream when you are chased,
how your gentle breath is candy laced
the things we say, when we talk double dutch

Your unaware you are the show,
tired eyes have now been woken
Watching your ratings grow,
your confidence it can't be broken

It’s the way you make me feel at ease,
your passion, grace, and inner peace
how you don't discriminate or hold a grudge
It’s the cheeky look in your green eyes,
your innocent look of surprise
your flame red hair & way you never judge

You don't despair when things are low
you turn your loss into a token
but if you should ever blow
you'll just become a Supernova

You say you want to make the World a better place
When the real problem is looking you in the face
Righteousness was never so wrong
Idealistic views, convictions so strong

Transforming humanity
Through the vision of your insanity
Justifying Change with your unarguable fallacy
You seem to do more harm than good
Oblivious dogmatic Robin Hood

Forever redeeming your committed cause
Seeming to ignore all character flaws
How frustrating your blind justice is
Defending the ones perpetrating
Why can’t you tell there’s something amiss?
Has naivety clouded clear thinking?

Out of focus clarity
Hocus-Pocus charity
Choking us with your highfalutin calamity

You say you want to make the World a better place
But people like you leave a bad aftertaste
Forever benevolent saboteur
Box clever pestilent do-gooder

Cold sweat breaks
my breath draws thin
Can’t think straight
what I’m doing
Hesitate, my mouth is dry
I’m afraid that I might die

Mind warped by poisonous thoughts
cut to the quick & distraught

Sickness feeling in my gut,
cold with fear, but burning up
Legs start shaking, knees they knock
nerves are fraying, round the clock

Mind warped by poisonous thoughts
Cut to the quick & distraught

Brainwaves send me out a fax
stop me dead right in my tracks
My endorphins are diseased
feed on my low self esteem

Mind warped by poisonous thoughts
Cut to the quick & distraught

My mum she wants the worst for me
She wants me out and on the street
I'm not her son that’s what she said
Go find your dad if he's not dead

But my dad he hates my guts
He didn't wanna keep in touch
He never phoned, asked how I've been
Cos through his eyes I'm just dead skin

I'm a no one, I know
I'm like a freak without a show
Been made to feel I don't belong
What the hell did I do wrong?

I feel empty and alone
I wanna place that feels like home
Don't want my family visiting
They make me feel like I'm dead skin.

Since I've found you, my life’s more complete.
Just being around you, makes my living sweet.
Do you think it’s true, fate wanted us to meet?
Do you feel it too, or is it just me?
When you’re away, why does my heart ache?
Why do I feel lost without you?

You changed my life more than you know
You made things right, why did you go?
For the first time in years home feels like home
You killed the fears that stopped my mind growing
You made the day, made me whole again
Made me glad to have lived what I'd been through

You painted your colour over my black and white life
Gave love like no other, gave sight to blind eyes
Shared your smiles and laughter,
kept me warm on cold nights
Hid your personal disaster by swallowing your pride

No words I can say to prolong your short stay
Except I LOVE YOU so much,
without you life’s not the same

Since I've lost you, it’s hard to move on
No one can replace you, now that you’re gone
Memories linger, where your presence once shone
To run, laugh, love, live with you is all I want.

You got sight, but can't see
blinded by the lies and **** she feeds
Unaware the traps been sprung with hate
please beware because you've bit the bait

Twisting lies to a make believe truth
you think your right, but you're only gonna lose
You can't disguise the fact that there's no proof
this undeniable ruse

Poison thoughts, condemned
no intentions made to make amends
set in stone inside your head it's her
Your the judge and executioner

Twisting lies to a make believe truth
It's no surprise it's the innocent accused
You can't deny jealousy has you seduced
standing in wait with your noose

No regrets, no remorse
sponsored hate for her that you endorse
Can't forget, forgive, or be at peace
too blind to see the forest for the tree's

Twisting lies to a make believe truth
willing to sacrifice us because of you
Your cold as ice with your narrow minded view
set in your ways stuck like glue

My dreams are better than my reality
My past has now become a twisted happy fantasy
Born of pain and misery,
a curse that’s taken human form
Look deep within and all you see,
a lost soul caught inside the storm

Enhancing how I feel with the help of some Mandy
A chemical spill in my brain that you can’t see
The euphoric thrill OF EXPONETIAL EXPANSION
I’m getting higher,
I’m getting higher

My minds state is bordering insanity
The last remains of a man who died but somehow breathes
Worn away at 43,
submersed in my own crown of thorns
For all I am and will ever be,
a lost soul whose been stung by the swarm

Enhancing how I feel with the help of some Mandy
A chemical spill in my brain that you can’t see
The euphoric thrill OF EXPONETIAL EXPANSION
I’m getting higher,
I’m getting higher

My life’s like a tragic black comedy
A sorry tale of loss and hurt somewhere deep inside of me
Torn apart by history,
thrown headfirst into the wall
A loser longing victory,
but always headed for a fall

Enhancing how I feel with the help of some Mandy
A chemical spill in my brain that you can’t see
A euphoric thrill and the feeling is dandy
I’m getting higher,
I’m getting higher

I can't remember a lot of things
about my stay in hospital,
And what memories I do have,
are like grainy black & white photo stills,
Shot frame by frame.

It might be my mind's way of dealing with the trauma it suffered.
It could even be the cordial amount of
pain-relieving drugs
that kept me in a constant hallucinogenic
"Alice in Wonderland" false reality.

But I distinctly remember Kate
the nurse from Ireland
and the way she was always there to comfort and reassure me
every time I was readied
for another big operation.

Her fragrant smile
and kindness in her eyes
(were almost angelic)
and with a hint of “Florence Nightingale”
in her professionalism,
life’s darker moments
melted into a bastion of love
and vibrant colors.

I won’t say goodbye
Now is not the time
I need to be strong for you and not cry
You look so weary as your life’s slipping by
Not really aware the end is nigh
Punch drunken speech from the liquid morphine high
Fading away with the blink of an eye

I won’t say goodbye
Now is not the time
Here’s where you belong, not the afterlife
I love you dearly Nan, please don’t die!!
You’ve still so much to live for, even at 89
Hunch, slumped sleep, straying towards the light
Frail and afraid, slowly losing the fight

I won’t say goodbye
Now is not the time
I’m choking on my feelings and emotions inside
As your blood pressures dropping, the tears I can’t hide
Now just hours away from the other side
Flat lined bleeps as you leave your body behind
A beautiful soul taken and in Heaven resides
I’ll never forget your love and how you were kind
Goodnight, God bless and forever sleep tight

There’s nothing lonelier
Than doing drugs by yourself
36 lines straight,
Numb from any feeling
Doing it just for the sake of doing it
Detached from reality in an abyss
Of dark malignant bliss
Trying to fill the sinkhole
That craves the desire to consume
More and more of that death row snow
The passage of time has melted away
And although gravity remains
You’re weightless
And void of emotion/dimensions
Just mentally locked in
As your psyche breaks down into
Beautiful fragments
Of unfathomable pleasure