I feel like writing poetry,
but I don't know where to begin.
So I'll let myself ramble,
and see which thoughts win.

I'm thinking lots about "love",
and what that word means to me.
I'm thinking lots about Him,
and the other He.

And thinking of Them.
Is their "love" still there?
I don't know,
but I'm glad they don't have to go anywhere.

I'm thinking about homes,
and how lucky I am.
The others aren't so lucky,
so I try to lend a hand.

Blue is the flavor of bland warm berries
Made into delicious fresh pies
Of nights spent stargazing upside down in driveways
It's the flavor of moments mostly forgotten
At playgrounds and corner stores

Blue tastes like secrets
Hidden sips and soft hands
Like salty air and crunchy marshmallows
It tastes like hot chocolate
On a long bus ride home

Blue has always been the sweetest colour
Almost all the best flavors and memories are Blue

Well, that was the case
Until I met you
You've coloured my world yellow
And it too is beautiful like blue

hyperaware of every movement and sound
pencil scratching paper turns to metal on glass
voices to piercing needles
footsteps to a sledgehammer

light feels blinding
burning like the sun

the brush of a fingertip
tears into me like barbwire

internally screaming but making sound hurts
shaking so hard you'd think I'm freezing

please stop talking
please stop moving
please turn the lights off
but I cannot express these requests

The voice that speaks is no longer the one inside my head.
Instead, it's the way I'd dreamed it'd be:
Soft and low,
Gravelly but controlled.
The voice inside my head is no longer the one heard.
When I speak there's confidence,
Something previously unobtainable.
When I think about what I sound like,
The voice in my head still squeaks.
When I hear my voice in recordings,
It's startling to hear it so low.
It creates a strange disconnect from the me I've known and the me now.

Eyes darting in and out of focus
Heart pounding over the sound of my thoughts
Lungs screaming to take deeper breaths
Ears ache as her voice drones on
Mind filling with more and more fog
Heat takes over, breathing more difficult
Fearful that sirens will soon be in the distance
DO NOT FALL DOWN
DO NOT GO TO SLEEP
The cold returns, as does breath
Shivers scale the spine and fall again
Fog continues rolling in
Clear thoughts not a possibility

I think my sense of self is changing.
Becoming less dependent,
More supportive.
But in that I've lost part of myself.
My old ways battle my new.
Struggling to adjust and adapt.
I've been through worse.
I know I'll make it out alive,
but which "me" will make it?

The kind caring one?
He used to be so prominent.
Now, I feel him slipping away.

The *******, emotionless one?
He used to only come around sometimes.
Now, he sticks around.
The farthest he drifts is the corners of my mind.

The anger fuelled, revenge seeking one?
He never truly fades.
He waits just around the corner,
Ready to spring into action.

Or will it be the sorrowful, lost, lonely one?
He sits, muttering quietly.
Always in the shadows, not wanting to be seen.
He pushes everyone away and blames them when they leave.

I try to hold on to the kind me.
He really is the best version of myself.
But the world spins around my like a tornado.
I lose my grip.

The angry one takes over.
It's difficult to take back any control,
Especially when you don't truly want to.
Hard not to let him take over.
To let me rest.
I'm so very tired of fighting him,
But who am I?

Tired,
Struggling to stay awake.
Understanding words is impossible.
They're all a blur as my eyes try to close.
Forcing myself up in my seat,
almost collapsing on my binder.
The low hum of sleep calls to me.
I slowly drift towards it.
pulled back by a loud
CLICK!
as the heavy door closes.
I wish only to rest my head,
but I am unable.
Exhausted, I struggle through the day.
Hoping,
tonight will be the night my eyes stay shut
and my mind quiets.

"We're under the same sky"
A romanticized memory.
Now I see,
It was nothing more than fantasy.
You and I,
We were never "meant to be"
I've seen the past the anger that you hide beneath.
It's hard to see why we ever thought that we could be.
But,
I remember all the nights that you were there for me.
On call while I counted the few stars I could see.

I never realized it was possible to miss someone's eyes
Til' I noticed myself missing yours
I miss our gaze meeting
Holding each other for seconds that I wish could last forever

It was always fleeting moments
A glance as we caught each other staring
Debating a kiss with a good morning hug
A flash of pink that swept across our faces
Fingers entangled beneath the desks

None of this happened often
And when it did it wasn't for long
But I miss those moments
And I miss being close enough that those moments were possible

I'm 16 and doing well.
I've got my learners,
I've got friends who I can trust,
I'm trying to get a job.
I have the most amazing partners in the world!
I've got a family who loves and supports me!

So WHY do I feel like a failure!?
I've got all these things going for me but
STILL, feel like I'm going NOWHERE!

I don't Have a job,
I have No future plans,
and I'm SO **** afraid everyone leaving me.

My mom says "You've got time. Look at me, I'm still figuring it out"
My aunt and my teacher have both said "none of your marks really matter until grade 12"
My friends have said they won't leave me,
but,

My dad wants me to get a job,
My other teachers think I should have my career figured out by now,
and I've been left by so many who have said the same.

None of them really think I'll get anywhere,
None of them think I'm putting in enough effort.
Nobody sees how hard I'm trying.

I'm 16 and scared as hell.

I am Loving and Scared
I wonder what two words others would use
I hear a dozen different things
I see my closest friend smiling from the crowd as I read their lips
"Kind"
I want those I love to feel they are valued

I am Loving and Scared
I pretend I'm not afraid to dissuade others from fear
I feel guilty for situations I had no hand in
I touch my hand to theirs in an attempt to ground us both
I worry I'll someday lose them, or worse, they'll push me away
I cry when I'm alone and think of all that will be lost to time

I am Loving and Scared
I understand that such is the cycle of life
I say "I Love you" but the words are misunderstood
I dream of feeling warm and safe in someone's embrace
I try to be open to all opportunities
I hope that it will lead me down the right path

I am Loving and Scared

Stars
The thing that we seem to bond over most
Stars
The lights in the sky that I wish on to be with you
Stars
What we stood under as you jumped with joy learning that I loved them as much as you
Stars
Could never shine as bright as your eyes did when you found out I knew Remember When
Stars
We watched them shoot by, so close we could see the smoke trail
Stars
What I look up at to remind myself that, no matter what,
We're under the same sky

I tend to act as a whiteboard
with each person I meet
I wipe clean
hand them the marker
and ask what they want to see

"I just want to know You"
and unfamiliar response
"I'm not sure what you mean,
this is meant to be about Your wants"

"I want to know your favorite color, or your favorite place to eat"
I give my default replies
but they don't really belong to me
they're curated lies
based on what others have liked to see

I say "my favorite color is blue"
my friend and I shared a favorite color
she told me to pick a new
my answer then was pink
but i "couldn't choose that too"

As for where I like to eat,
I don't give a straight answer
"it depends on the day"
or "I'm good with whatever"

I forgot what it was like
when the marker stays with me
but I've got nothing to write
so I'll leave it empty

I thought I would be fine, but I was wrong
I stayed up crying for so long
Thought I'd never be happy on my own
Spent so much time wandering alone
Went up and down streets and all around first lake
but the thought of you with him was one I couldn't shake
I want to be the one by your side
I can't move on, gods know I've tried
But I know you love me and I know you care
so I don't want to move on, it feels unfair
I'm just afraid you'll leave me behind
and you'll remain forever on my mind

I love in a lot of little ways
I love in baking shortbread
And pancake brunch
I love in cuddling pets that i am So allergic too
But they're too cute to resist
I love in midnight drives
Late night talking
I love in answering any questions you ask
I love in staring from across the room
Admiring your freckles and the most contagious smile
I love in trying to learn your favorite song on the piano,
Though I don't play very well, but I know that's not what matters
I love in Photos of my friends,
Blurry and dark but I know who it is
I love in playing my favorite songs for you,
And remembering what songs you say i might like
I love in shooting star wishes
And a gentle hand as I pass by
I love in drunken cuddles and soft sighs
I love in closeness and in distance,
Whether you're next to me or in the stars
I love in looks that say I love you when I'm too afraid to speak
Listening to gentle snoring as I fall asleep
I love in picking dog fur off your lips
Going for freezing dips
Laying on the beach half naked
Opposite halves as we would have it
Whole in our differences and I love that about us

I haven't told you I love you yet,
I wonder if you too lay awake at night thinking about the ways you love
I hope to you, love is like poetry the way it is to me

Today was amazing and that hurts so bad
I'm afraid of losing you and everything we had,
the nights we spent up late
Talking and baking bowl cake

I missed us
and i got to see it again
Dancing in the kitchen,
Cuddling on the couch,
The way you get So angry
When you're losing a game

I missed your smile,
Not the closed mouth smile,
The toothy smile
Its gorgeous,
When you get a text or see something on your phone
You think I'm not looking at you,
Just for a second
Your lips curl into the most beautiful smile

I wish I had the words to tell you how I feel
But instead I leave it unsaid
Because I've said so much
That you didn't want to hear

I'm too attached
and I know you are too
but in a different way
and I just cant get that clue

Well, I get it
I ignore it
In the hopes that you'll forget
and come back to loving me
Maybe the way you did

We Are much closer now,
and you do love me
I know that
But it's in a different way

And sometimes it's perfect
Like today,
We sat at the table,
Where just a small distance can feel so far,
But then you reach out and take my hand
We're as close as ever, maybe closer
We've grown so much
and we've still got a lot to do

I've missed you
I hope you've missed me too