Eyes darting in and out of focus
Heart pounding over the sound of my thoughts
Lungs screaming to take deeper breaths
Ears ache as her voice drones on
Mind filling with more and more fog
Heat takes over, breathing more difficult
Fearful that sirens will soon be in the distance
DO NOT FALL DOWN
DO NOT GO TO SLEEP
The cold returns, as does breath
Shivers scale the spine and fall again
Fog continues rolling in
Clear thoughts not a possibility

The voice that speaks is no longer the one inside my head.
Instead, it's the way I'd dreamed it'd be:
Soft and low,
Gravelly but controlled.
The voice inside my head is no longer the one heard.
When I speak there's confidence,
Something previously unobtainable.
When I think about what I sound like,
The voice in my head still squeaks.
When I hear my voice in recordings,
It's startling to hear it so low.
It creates a strange disconnect from the me I've known and the me now.

I feel like writing poetry,
but I don't know where to begin.
So I'll let myself ramble,
and see which thoughts win.

I'm thinking lots about "love",
and what that word means to me.
I'm thinking lots about Him,
and the other He.

And thinking of Them.
Is their "love" still there?
I don't know,
but I'm glad they don't have to go anywhere.

I'm thinking about homes,
and how lucky I am.
The others aren't so lucky,
so I try to lend a hand.

I never realized it was possible to miss someone's eyes
Til' I noticed myself missing yours
I miss our gaze meeting
Holding each other for seconds that I wish could last forever

It was always fleeting moments
A glance as we caught each other staring
Debating a kiss with a good morning hug
A flash of pink that swept across our faces
Fingers entangled beneath the desks

None of this happened often
And when it did it wasn't for long
But I miss those moments
And I miss being close enough that those moments were possible

I'm 16 and doing well.
I've got my learners,
I've got friends who I can trust,
I'm trying to get a job.
I have the most amazing partners in the world!
I've got a family who loves and supports me!

So WHY do I feel like a failure!?
I've got all these things going for me but
STILL, feel like I'm going NOWHERE!

I don't Have a job,
I have No future plans,
and I'm SO **** afraid everyone leaving me.

My mom says "You've got time. Look at me, I'm still figuring it out"
My aunt and my teacher have both said "none of your marks really matter until grade 12"
My friends have said they won't leave me,
but,

My dad wants me to get a job,
My other teachers think I should have my career figured out by now,
and I've been left by so many who have said the same.

None of them really think I'll get anywhere,
None of them think I'm putting in enough effort.
Nobody sees how hard I'm trying.

I'm 16 and scared as hell.

Tired,
Struggling to stay awake.
Understanding words is impossible.
They're all a blur as my eyes try to close.
Forcing myself up in my seat,
almost collapsing on my binder.
The low hum of sleep calls to me.
I slowly drift towards it.
pulled back by a loud
CLICK!
as the heavy door closes.
I wish only to rest my head,
but I am unable.
Exhausted, I struggle through the day.
Hoping,
tonight will be the night my eyes stay shut
and my mind quiets.

Blue is the flavor of bland warm berries
Made into delicious fresh pies
Of nights spent stargazing upside down in driveways
It's the flavor of moments mostly forgotten
At playgrounds and corner stores

Blue tastes like secrets
Hidden sips and soft hands
Like salty air and crunchy marshmallows
It tastes like hot chocolate
On a long bus ride home

Blue has always been the sweetest colour
Almost all the best flavors and memories are Blue

Well, that was the case
Until I met you
You've coloured my world yellow
And it too is beautiful like blue

I think my sense of self is changing.
Becoming less dependent,
More supportive.
But in that I've lost part of myself.
My old ways battle my new.
Struggling to adjust and adapt.
I've been through worse.
I know I'll make it out alive,
but which "me" will make it?

The kind caring one?
He used to be so prominent.
Now, I feel him slipping away.

The *******, emotionless one?
He used to only come around sometimes.
Now, he sticks around.
The farthest he drifts is the corners of my mind.

The anger fuelled, revenge seeking one?
He never truly fades.
He waits just around the corner,
Ready to spring into action.

Or will it be the sorrowful, lost, lonely one?
He sits, muttering quietly.
Always in the shadows, not wanting to be seen.
He pushes everyone away and blames them when they leave.

I try to hold on to the kind me.
He really is the best version of myself.
But the world spins around my like a tornado.
I lose my grip.

The angry one takes over.
It's difficult to take back any control,
Especially when you don't truly want to.
Hard not to let him take over.
To let me rest.
I'm so very tired of fighting him,
But who am I?