Oh brother - why do you shun me so,
For I’m the truth you want no one to know,
I’m the bitter to your sickly sweet,
The ravaged attack of your feeble defeat.
I am the darkness in your light,
I am the blind that covets your sight,
I am the sinner that loves to sin,
Whilst your the one who strives to win.
You would not survive without my existence,
For I am the hand that offers resistance,
Without my dark you wouldn’t know light,
I give you the day but I rule the night.
Deny as you must but make no mistake,
This coexistence will never break,
We take the opposite of what we give,
In order for us both to live.
Because you need me as I need you,
For I can’t lie unless your true,
But do not think that this brings peace,
Nor expect my chaos to cease,
For I would gladly be without you,
But that is something I could never do.
I need your light to to create my dark,
Which is we why can never exist apart .

Where is the line,
You know the one,
The line from which you start your judgement,
Because let’s be honest,
You only go back far enough to prove your cause,
The history is heresy to you,
Looking through naive little yes,
You don’t even see half the picture,
Worst is - you don’t want to.
As long as you can see far enough to call me guilty,
And what about your past transgressions ?
Sorry,
Your off limits,
Your twisted little hypocrisy works for you does it,
Let’s you sleep soundly in your dumb little bed,
With your dumb little ideals,
May god have mercy on your moments of weakness,
I hope when your judgement comes,
It’s with the same blind stubbornness that you’ve shown me,
We all have a past,
I can’t change it,
I can’t condone it -
I own it - That’s it,
It part of me and who I am.
Go find someone that meets your expectations,
What you want is a good little slave,
That will take your ******* and make you feel special,
Your pathetic and I’m not playing your game anymore,
Get a grip,
Get a life,
And get to ****.

Sometimes my heart stops at the sight of my children,
Mostly when they’re unaware I’m watching,
The emotion crawls  up the back of my head,
then reaches round and stabs me in the heart,
It chokes a lump into my throat,
Emotion in its purest form,
It’s fear that’s behind it,
Fear that i can’t give my children what they deserve,
Fear that I can’t protect them every hour of every day,
And because of that something terrible could happen in my absence,
And then I could never live with myself,
Then those thoughts run away with themselves and suddenly I’m on the verge of tears,
Or maybe it’s just fear of not being able to contain the amount of love they create in my soul,
Because their mine,
They’re me - every look every feature every bone,finger nail,hair, skin every single molecule,
And sometimes it’s feels like each of those pieces are being ripped from my body anew,
It’s an innate need to want them near me all the time,
And they don’t want to be because they’re at that age,
And that fills me with pride at how much they’re growing up,
And that pride starts to creep up the back of my head again,
It’s an amazing, devastating , frustratingly educating, celebrating, elevating altogether rejuvenating thing to be a parent.
I might get angry, I might want to cry, I’m always laughing and I never stop being proud of my kids,
They’re everything,
There my reason for doing,
and my reason for not,
They’re purpose itself,
They’re innocent,
And honest - well most of the time,
But they’re mine,
And they’re everything and all I need.

My child it is not you at fault ,
These feelings are not yours,
This situation isn’t yours to fear,
You have a special gift that means you feel what others feel,
Especially when others get too near,
The tears you cry,
The eyes you dry,
The blame you take on board
Emotions that I wish you never knew,
But even though it pains me so to see all that you feel,
I know that it’s a special part of you.

Theres only so many words in a day,
To tell you how I feel,
I wish I could capture the sand of time -
     for precious seconds to steal,
I’m facing my own morality,
I know my death is near,
Its a feeling that I can’t escape,
Contrived of grief and fear,
All the things I should of done,
The amount of time I’ve wasted,
So many years of hiding myself,
When I should of been running naked,
My stubborn tongue and foolish mind,
Have cost me so so dear,
All those wasted moments,
Seem so petty - lying here,
Take my eyes,
Forgo my cries and feel my fear of dying,
For it asks of me the same as you,
- How hard have we been trying ?
I don’t want to die,
I’m scared of goodbye,
I’ve no time to find my peace,
I need so much more time than this,
To forgive myself at least,
I never realised how lucky I was,
I’ve abused the time I was given,
The thoughts I ignored that scream at me now,
If only I had listened,
They say I’ve days,
Maybe a week,
My body’s lost it’s fight,
I’m scared to go to sleep in case it is my last goodnight,
Write a letter,
Leave a note,
That’s what somebody said,
Immortalise my final words,
To be cherished when I’m dead,
But that’s the point that no one sees,
I don’t care what I leave behind,
Life carries on regardless of the pain that people find,
I need to stay another day,
Then another day there after,
I need to feel more love and hate,
More cries and tears off laughter
I have to see the sunset and take a final dip in the sea,
See the truth of all I’ll be missing,
Please just let me be,
How can I say goodbye to you all,
When I’m so not ready to leave,
Clinging to hope as I’m laying here,
Wishing for my reprieve,
If there is a god or mighty power,
I beg of you exemption,
I’ll change my ways forever more,
If you grant me my redemption.

Who new a piece of paper -
Could carry the weight of my woes.

I was but a child when my heart first spilt,
Words in the back of a notebook,
There was no media back then,
Only paper and pen,
No one to show,
But it wasn’t for show,
I wasn’t  aware it was even for me,
So i missed the first time ....... that my feelings could see.

I filled that notebook with haste,
Poems of a younger self,
25 years ago,
Back then I didn’t know,
Didn’t understand the point of those feelings,
I had now idea that  those poems were healing.

Then I entered a time of release,
I wanted it all,
For years I rebelled,
Nothing withheld,
........But I didn’t write,
Lazy days and party nights,
Everything felt alright,
There was no need to write,

But those days were short - looking back,
Now i know who I am,
These years have wisened my mind,
It’s a quieter place I find,
Writing keeps an order,
Creates a silent border,
Between whats real and what could be,
Im indebted to what it gives me,

The healing of the act,
From thought to write to read,
Is such a positive impact,
That helps so much be freed,

If only that young boy had realised,
All those years back then,
The strength of his piece of paper,
And the power of his pen.

Inside my mind I sometimes find a little piece of hope confined,
Confined amongst the chains of woe that struggle not to let it go,
Go and show me why your here,
Here to stand against my fear,
Fear that tries to extinguish me,
Me against the world I see,
See my strength in this defiance,
Defiance I take to create an alliance,
Alliance of strength to continue this fight,
Fight for the things that I often write,
Write my life on papers true,
True am I that calls to you,
You my hope that shines so bright,
Bright enough to give me light.