I played a game with God.
When I look at the built-in altar in my small flat
Pictures,shapes, feelings
all sort drilled into a universe of sadness.

I fall into the pit again
I kneel,
I pray ,
I beg for atonement for my sins.

I closed my eyes for a moment of silence
I saw some hope
not from my eyes,
But from God's loving eyes.

Seconds later,
I saw my funeral with ten girls around me
laying some flowers on my unloving body
then my body is burned
ashes fall on their dull faces

I woke up from the brown coffin
a cross painted on the end of the coffin
With my migrant name.
Some cheered my death
because I deserved it all,
It's a secret I was not dead at all .
I was just hidden from them for a while.

I was laid among the uncut weeds
which shelter me from the rain,
storm,
mostly from the unkind people.

Sometimes
I gasp for air so much even though I'm on a surface
I-
thirst for the water from where I came from
Yet-
it tastes like vomitted Water.
My lip salivates for I suppose Spring water,
Which nourishes your soul like Holy Water;
But, I think I will only know the Firey water

I-
Am scared
I-
Am scared I will be dehydated,
destroyed because I only know the vomitted Water

Will I ever-
have a sip of Love water?

When will I be able to get out this slender column
bottle?
When will the Owner take the cap away?
He's flicking around it
His hand I can see
but I can't see any other else beside my own.

My tears could compose into a snowball
inside the glass tall bottle
He wouldn't let anyone turn the cap
I don't know his reasons .

I don't know how long
The walls are so slippery, I am pushed down again
It's not just me, others like me, in the sames
are trapped, are batoned, are caned,
inside the tiny hollow bottle .

In our own bottles
it's no less than prison
The hope is the cap
But, When?
Will the cap be opened?
Knock, knock
Is Thou actually listening us?

Maybe you're the one who is drunk on the lies that you spin
I'm seen a big Hypocrite,
Your lies-
Sweeter than honey,
Slowly bashing my nerves.
Maybe you really have no idea when to stop the Oozing-
Your thick sticky needs,
manufacturing, selling, broadcasting.
A rainbow, starry, adjectives of my list
ticked, stamped and tricked.
Nights befall on me
I've been
"Baby'', you call me
I wring in your flattery.
Maybe you should see fewer peonies
and more grasses!

A new-a phone call-
a message from My Protector,
everyone yearns to be protected
loved,
missed,and live.

Days flashed into an alloy of a hut,
skins getting drier,eyes getting sharper
the tiles of my floor replace into new shapes
to give in to my wild desire.
Maybe I'm still in the wrong time,
or maybe it's my Karma, to live, and wait.
I suppose-
I shall never hear the sharp metallic ring
attached on the back door.

We March to the altar.
Where we made hereafter promises
imperfection in the hands
you fie in your own seeds.

Hatred brand like a glamour knife
flashing in the air,the yellow air you know:
the red blind you strike
shall now be stamped in your eyes.

I'm very distant from the City
There are no organs, just guts,
just ghastly, random blood
that mystify not me.
Trivial things, I mind
awakening to the trickle of the rain water
I, am not absorbed by the plague;
Just a little bit lost in the well-litted room.

Scarlet liquid flowing down my hand
scarring only me and making my loved ones laugh
Maybe I should have finished my work on myself
So I do not have to stare at their face with hatred.

Everything is bland:
the gems are losing their beauty
the books are collecting ten-year-old dust
the clothes lay unloved-
She bent down
With her white high heels
Unworthy teardrops on those things
She once determined them unimportant, low price
Now she wants them back
To appease her unhappy life
But they are there, and not for her anymore.

I saw Death.
It was crouching at my doorstep
I got a glimpse of It.
Its stare- made me a Human.

In the silent storm
I saw Its sick claws,
Scratch marks marking the snowy paths,
the ground started to split
to the Pacific ocean
to the invisible cracks of rocks
until Dust and Death, Masters of Time
Sweep away my beloved face
onto their altar, unchain him from love sorrow.

I can see the shadow
It's right behind me, listening to my heartbeat-
Called my name repeatedly
So I would remember to change my plan.

It's so quiet and determined
Like a restless spirit, ready to possess
my soul, that sees only grey.

The night is long
My shadow is fatigue,
My heart is hurt
My bones splinter
And I stay in the room filled with filthy air.

The moonlight;
Waxing and waning at nights,
Comforting and alarming me in a quiet night.

Under the moonlight;
My stomach's churning and urging me to overanalyse
The security, the stability, the sustainability
I so desire agonizes my soul and  
On guard by my side on a lonely night.

Oh, moonlight:
You fascinate me and I idolize
Only you and night.

A dagger gashes a small flower
in a desert by a devil-follower
because he couldn't look into her eyes
and says,' he cares for her'

The bullies feel thrilled and sip on a whiskey,
sit in a circle and worship the small flower,
because time is running out
for the real game to start.

Are you an important person?
Why must you be on my mind day and night?
I wait for the wheel of fate to point to the West,
The galaxies implode and the glories rejoiced and
they reinvigorate a drunk man-just for you.
Are we there yet? To Maisa.
I want to be received
into your dark world.

The pleasure you get is unfathomable.
The look and the shame;
the rich and the lame;
will bend your morale until you burst into a flame.

Sometimes,
you have to get drowned in a well
so the other person can treat you well.

Oh, and
you have to be a stoic sculpture
so people can focus on the sun.

The midnight sobs and screams
so you hear their passionate deams!

I sat by my wardrobe,
the last season, dim-witted clothes,
waving and flashing
to my face.

I took down a bright orange jumpsuit
packed it with lacquer boots
in a trunk that has
a label on it: 'Shipped to Shawn's Place'.

So I guessed they should be the last pieces
that had our wedding kiss.

The wooden planks we trod on
to reach my childhood friend's house
are now rusting from spewed blood
whose life was deemed less than a stray dog.

The rain that day was like a downpour of evil
unleashed from the pit of hell,
crushing my friend's mother strength to be alive
because she just received a dead body
of  
my childhood friend in her arms
whom she loved with her life
was taken by evils.

When I was by her
crimson-stained body,
She said in a very soft voice :
'Promise me,
take my mom away.
Please take care of her.'

The cool rain and
everything around us
don't mean anything anymore.
She is gone.

Heaven will receive you, my dear friend.
Your virtue shall be lived forever and ever.

I'm going for the Death.
I've been begging it to take me
since our first encounter
through a mutual friend.
So I can be liberated from the worries,
insecurities, pains-
that didn't have enough time to be healed.

My head will soon hit the ground
it will gently welcome me with warmth,
for my indescribable anguish and trauma.
It understands me.

My mind is confused.
My heart is burning,
Cold tears are gushing forth like a spring water
I don't know when
I will stop breathing.
I want to lay down
on a soft time, if I may, dear Life.

You were my world.
The reason for my motivation.
You feel like you must step on my dream
because they take time to bring dollars.

You want me begone-
away from the world
away from all, I treasured.

Yet, I had hope
I really had hope
that one day
you would change and
see me as a human.

I'm wrong.
You will never.
Goodbye, my precious tears,
to grief that's useless to others.

Let's go our ways.

I lost myself
in all the useless battles.
I really really want to know
what it feels like to be loved
by your family.
In their eyes
I'm the worst human
I didn't commit any grave sins
and offend them
I have always believed that
I'm responsible,
caring, selfless.
I have to accept
that people won't see me
like how I see myself.
I sound so desperate
because everytime,
everyday,
I'm begging for love
For Love
For Unavailable Love.

I don't want to know what you tell me,
because anyone can speak.
I want to get closer to you.
I want to know the REAL you.

Maybe we're compatible
Maybe we're meant to be heartbroken.
I don't want to know the ending.

But why do I only remember
the other mysterious pair of eyes?
His stare gave me pleasure so much
I want to know the ending.

I ......
just wanna continue.
I......
just want to be loved.
It seems it is too much to ask for anything;
please pardon me
because I just wanted to know.

The headache;
The memory;
The bitter medicines I desperately take; albeit I know is CONSEQUENCE;
Horror- banging against my moral.

A clueless silent night.
The wind is blowing gently, calmly,
filling in the pits
and ringing the wind chimes
to wake up to see a beautiful night.

The sky is silently watching,
floating with the wind to
wherever it takes.

The wind and the sky nurture, nurse each other
like a true lover;
making the mortals below jealous.

Even a storm can't mess things up,
if they have each other in their hearts.

If I have to face loneliness and death,
so that I can escape from the prison of your toxicity;
I couldn't be happier more
because it's the right thing to ease my pain.

I don't know what burns me out-
people business -or maybe my own overthinking?

I don't know why I am so worried and sorry for-
when my heart does not explicitly understand what bothers me or not.

I don't know how to cherish myself.
It's easier to convince others because they ain't me.

I can feel my life is wavering;
Like a birch tree in my backyard.  


I wish I could walk backwards;
To destroy the past that I ran away with madness.


I can’t move on yet  
When it is still stubborn as a loyal pet which waits for its master patiently at the door.

What’s bad and good?  
I’m sure everything has limits.  
Who’s good and bad?  
I’m sure it doesn’t concern me as long-  
As the person admits and turns into a new leaf.  

In the end,  
What’s the matter?  
Am I happy?

I WILL GO WITH THE FLOW
AND NOT BE ENSLAVED BY
THOUGHTS THAT DRAIN MY ENERGY

The memory-the pain-the suffering
If they were meant to happen
It's so painful to carry on...

I don't feel like I'm home
Every littles is a payback of the sins I committed
So I die guilty free.

It's better if my heart stays inside my body
It should know the truth.

It's better if you leave me alone
because I'm not the person who you think.

I would rather allow the pain to swallow me
so that I will still hope with trust

Maybe I spent my time so much looking for things on the other side of the room
that I actually forget everything-
almost everything.

A lot of things influence me.
and I know things would get better
if I believe good things would come
to the battered, shattered and desperate for
a broken person likes me.

I feel like I'm strolling around the city
to get the attention.
I have the look of 'I need your attention badly' words
written over my face
so I could get to be in the centre of Paris.

I kept replaying the conversations we had
on a rainy day.
I wished I could drown out the words along with the merciless rain
beating against the windowpane.

I won't let the pain meddle in my future
I promise I'll get every better,
I promise I ll be strong
I promise I'll take care of them as long as I can

Time flies by so fast
that It's so tiring to be fit in
a humanity that is so pressuring on
her children to be the same.

Hug me like a dog would to its puppy
Tear my heart so that my heart isn't snatched by the blood-thirsty demon

Hide me, please
The reality is in me.

How long can the fire burn ardently
If the passion is missing in the embers.

Can the dying air whisper her to wake up,
And she just nods and accepts to renew her vows of life?

I want to see her walking down a road,
With elegance, grace and confidence
That will make her smile effortlessly.

I can feel my heart whimpering in pain;
yet, changing my mind every time that
I'm doing well.

Fake it until you smile for real;
Cry until your eyes give up
and don't hurt yourself with cynicism.

It takes more than wisdom and courage--
to owe up who I am.

I may not be the person
whom you think I should be;
I rather want to live my life my best.


Gravity tests everyone's limit and patience.
Being able to be candid, vulnerable and humble,
Are my enemy of pride.

While I can change,
I want to make it right,
Before my soul is in peril.

It's hard to feel beautiful inside and out,
feel positive,
And not worried about anything.

I think I've gone really mad.

Everyone is busy knocking on  the door
That they know it will never open to them.

I don't play *****
Because I'm not the mad woman here.

I was born a flower.
Now I feel bare and threatened,
holding on to the last things
And hoping the hours to justify me.


Everything and everyone--
can be blown away by anyone.
I can't stop and stare,
Hoping everything is the same as yesterday.

I'm glad
That I'm not being delusional that
demons are bad.

I'm glad
I don't have any regrets
And memories of you
in my heart.

I regard you highly
And I don't expect anything from you.
I wish you appreciate what you have,
learn to love
as you grow older and wiser.
I have nothing else to say, anymore.
So goodbye.

I admit arrogance wouldn’t get me to see-
The little things-the good things--
And the souls connected to me.

Though you break me,
I’d rather describe you romantically.
Wanna honour you,
For the passion and inspiration, you’ve sown in me.

I understand you now.
Having been quoted as “a sensitive person”,
I see a hero now,
Dazzling under the spotlight and never forgetting the little ones.

In the end,

        We’re the one who we have to take care of and

        Should mind our own business.

         It’s us that has to weather through the storms.

I feel like I have just been  splashed with cold water.
Upon realization, all the pains-
flood into my mind like as if
life is great at giving things.


I can't gasp enough
in the silence of
assuming---
that they're my life.

My thoughts are confined in the empty space.
I wanna escape from the thoughts that drown me,
break down the boundaries that bar me
and will mark a day of victory for the sleepless nights.

Every night I toss and turn,
lying awake in my seamless worries-
turning my black silky hair to silver hair.

I am madly in love
with a lot of things--
and feeling beautiful and confident.

I'm very depressed sometimes;
and honestly, I tell you:
I only feel and see black and white.