I guess that’s what makes relationships
So precious
The fact that you can ruin them
Completely obliterate what’s been created
Regardless of how much time has been invested
At any point
One conversation
One physical altercation
Can destroy it
It’s a dynamic system
That requires constant maintenance

Feather light trails
Of fingertips along flushed skin
Erratic breathing
Chests rising and meeting together
With every inhale
Hands fleeting
Stumbling along the way
Grins cheeky
Lips bruised and swollen
Mouths full of promised moans to come
Bodies entangled
Sheets twisted
Spirits intertwined

After years of internal emotional torment
I’ve finally realized
That my issue
Was never about being perfect
It was about appearing to be perfect
Was never about if I was good
It was about if I was good enough

I want to look at people
As if they're a blank canvas
So that their looks
Don't affect my
Perception of them
Which can dictate the
The way that I treat them

I want to look at them
And allow their words
Their character
Their aura
Their minds
To paint their naked canvas either
Beautifully vibrant or
Artistically dull shades of
Sorrowful blues
Mellow greens
Raging reds
Calm yellows
And so on

I want to look at people
Without a bias
When I first see them
Like a white canvas

I want to look at people
For who they are on the inside
For the painting they create
From within
With eyes that don't get influenced
By outward appearances
But by
Beautiful
Masterpieces
Whether
Sad
Happy
Or broken
Masterpieces
That are their
Paintings

Taking a shower
I find it quite spectacular
While a little bit peculiar
How I can hear even more
Mezmorizing sounds
When I cover my ears

As I stand under the water
I close my eyes
Cover my ears
And allow the new
Unfamiliar yet comforting sound
Of the water cascading down my head
Fill my mind

It's loud enough
To drown out any and everything else
Around me

It is an all-consuming noise
That consumes the sounds of the outside
World
So you're able to be left
With your inner thoughts
Alone
Warm
With a comforting bliss
Washing over you

It’s quite poetically tragic
How you were my muse
Yet I
Was only an afterthought
To you
Even though you made me believe
That I was the sun in your solar system
Oh how bitter it tastes
Knowing your body language
Never lied
Yet I
Chose to listen to the words from those
Poisonous lips
Of yours
As they molded a facade over you
That kept me from the truth

Sometimes
When it's dark out
And night has fallen upon my town
I look up
Towards the sky
And can't help but notice
That the sky in itself is not dark
Like we assume it to be
In fact
It's what's beneath
That makes the earth appear dark
Which can be considered poetic
If you let it
But I've noticed that the sky varies
In brightness
Some days
It's acceptably darker
Other nights
It's strangely lighter
Which is ironic
Since the night is quite often
Associated with darkness

I love the mystery
In knowing that I haven’t met
The love of my life
Yet
In knowing that all of it awaits me
In being able to explore the what ifs
Exploring the unknown memories
I’m excited
To explore each stage
And simply exist in each moment
Without wanting more
Knowing that it will come
Eventually
I’m excited for the early stages
The rush of excitement in seeing them
Without knowing their name
The blushing
The smiling
The subtle flirting
The “thumping heart rates
But trying to appear calm” moments
I’m excited for the friendship stages
The jokes
The “hang outs” not called dates
The adventures
The unspoken knowledge
That we both like each other but still
Try to pretend that we’re just friends
The nervousness
The wondering if the other actually likes you
Or if you’re making it all up in your head
The playful flirting that is questionable to people claiming to be “just friends”
The early dating stages
The butterflies in asking them out
The excitement in getting ready
For the first real date
The awkward moments here and there
The innocent firsts
First time holding hands
First kiss
First cuddle session
The later
More intimate stages of dating
Moving towards marriage and the honeymoon
Watching life play out as you live together
Attempt to spice up date nights
Moving to children
The pride in his eyes as you carry and grow his baby within you
The excitement in being parents
To the product of your love
Moving to actual parenthood
Sneaking alone time
Watching your spouse take care of your children
Watching him swear off all boys with violence when he stares into his daughter’s eyes
Moving to when your children all leave
And your left alone with the love of your life
Just like in the beginning
To when you both look wrinkly
Move a little slower
And sit in silence more often
To when you mourn the loss of your spouse
Knowing that one of you
Would die first
And the other will be left
Alone
Only for a while
Until you reunite again
This is the beauty
Of a romantic relationship
That awaits
Who knew
That the boy you saw across the room
The one you just hit your friend for
Just so you could point him out to her
Would be the boy
That would become someone you knew
More than just a good looking stranger
But someone who knew your name
Who becomes your best friend
Who would create beautiful memories
Who would be the cause of many laughs
And tears
Who would be the guy that gave you
Butterflies from asking you out
Who would be your first kiss
First everything
Who would be the one who marries you
And has children with you
Who knew
All of that
And more
Will come from the stranger across the room
This is the mystery
That I keep replaying in my head
Excited for all of the stages in my life
Except maybe
For the last one

Conflicted
Where do we go now
I do not wish to initiate the conversation
Nor do you
What will the ending be
Will we still have fond love for one another
Will you hate me
Is this another reinforced lesson for me
My honesty causes abandonment
Of those closest to me

I've learned to accept that
Sometimes
The best response
To certain questions
Happens to be your silence
It possesses the power
To speak emotions
That words cannot

So accept silence
Listen to what it has to offer
Embrace it
Knowing that it has the ability
To bring cathartic consolation
When you
Or someone else
Crave it
In the most dire times

You are not your failures
But most importantly
You are not your achievements either
So
Who are you

I’m often misunderstood
Reduced to my stereotype
By those who don’t get the privilege of knowing me
And most people often are treated the same
Which is why
When I am understood
Seen and truly heard
Stereotypes aside
It is The greatest gift another can give me

You see
This thing
Between you and me
Is paradoxical
Because we feel free
Inside these cages
We’ve confined ourselves in
but
Are we truly free
Or is it just an illusion of liberty

The idolization of an individual
Is a form of dehumanization
It places an insurmountable pressure
To live up to an expectation
And disregards the downfalls and limitations
That make us all human
So anything but perfection is not permitted
The static perception of an individual
In itself
Is a form of dehumanization
As time moves along and changes
So do humans
We evolve and grow
But to place the identity
Of who someone was
Ten years ago
One year ago
Six months ago
Onto the current version of who you see
Is a form of dehumanization
To not acknowledge the change
And to stay static in your perception
Is a disservice
Not only to the other
But to yourself as well
Because your perception of others
Is a mirror for one’s inner judgement
Of the self

I enjoy opening my window
At night
Not because I desire
The cool breeze to crawl
It's way across my
Hot
Sweaty
Sun-kissed
Skin
But because I desire
To hear the night
Spill its way across my room
And fill the air
With mystery
With life

When I was young
I used to like to think
That things were either
Black
Or
White
And that there was only a few instances
Where the colors would bleed
Into one another
And become grey

But now
I'd like to believe
That things are only
Black and white
When you don't humanize the issue
Because when you do
It's impossible for it to not be grey
It's impossible to make a
Black or white opinion
Because there are basic
Human emotions
Tangling their way
Through that opinion
And the more emotions
The more tangled
And harder it is
To find the answer
Hidden inside that web

oh words
I am sorry for my neglect
it is as if my body has turned against me in the most deprived way

I remember the delicate time in my life where
poetry spilled from my lips
flowed widely and untamed
into the whispers of night's dark company
who listened and graciously opened her arms to my many suppressed emotions
to my light and my own darkness

she whispered my name tonight
oh so sweetly
after too many lonely nights
where I've left her to see me in my silent struggles
close yet too far away from me
a helpless bystander in my own demise

but not tonight
tonight
she has held my hand warmly
brushed the tears trailing my cheeks softly
and calls me home

1.
Passionately kiss a beautiful stranger
2.
Dance with someone special in the rain
With the headlights of a car
Be the only source of light
And the music from the stereo
Persuade our unsynchronized movements
3.
Try an extremely overpriced fruity cocktail
In a luxurious bar
4.
Sit down at an occupied table
That has a random person
Introduce myself and
Play a speed round of 20 questions
Exploring the idea
Of creating a false reality to someone
Who would accept it
Because they expect nothing less

One moment you’re strangers
The next
They’re your closest companion
How does that come to be

I believe that conversations
Ones that require authenticity and vulnerability
Dictate the degree of change and closeness
That happens in a relationship
Regardless of its type
Romantic
Platonic
Mentorship

It’s the conversations where one broken yet brave soul smiles and acknowledges the other that is deeply hidden in another
It’s the conversations at 3 in the morning
While you’re both on the phone as you slowly fall asleep
The conversations that have awkward silences where you smile and bite your lip
The conversations that reveal the other and your own character
The conversations that let you meet another aspect of yourself
The conversations that touch your inner child

One conversation can transform your relationship with that person
It can lead you down a different future
With yourself

our minds are an object of great power
so much so
that those whose veins run with greed
seek to manipulate that power into theirs
by stealing the currency of others
which is attention
this is then used to create neural pathways that flow with
self hatred
jealousy
envy
insecurity
unattainable beauty
great sadness
and the more these messages are seen
the more the subconscious becomes defiled
the mind is then rendered weak
until it becomes aware of its power
and desires to transform itself
neuroplasticity
it gives hope to those who believed
that there was none left for them

your partner
is a reflection
of your self worth
how they interact with you
is a mirror to the tolerance you have with yourself
to the grace you bestow upon your being
the way they treat you
is an echo
to the way you treat yourself
to the way you allow certain behaviors to be accepted
your partner
is a reflection
of the love that you think you deserve
make sure it is one of substance
one of unconditional love
filled with patience grace and fluidity

When was the last time
You felt as though
You were seen
Facade and stereotypes aside
Just a bare, broken soul inside
Exposed to the compassionate other
Or more importantly
Have you ever felt seen
Has anyone ever looked past
The exterior you coat yourself in
Whether it be one of
Indifference
Kindness
Hatred or
Pride

I desire to have a love
Where I run out of your car
And into the welcoming downpour of rain From up above
And as I tilt my head up
With my eyes gently closed
Towards the heavens
Relishing in the feel
Of the refreshing rain
Lightly kiss my flushed face
While I twirl around
With my arms stretched out wide
And as you see me
Dancing in the rain
Alone
Through your blurry windshield
You smile shyly and whisper to yourself
The three words
That you deeply feel
But haven't mustered up
The courage to say
To me
You then leap out of your car
And chase after me
I shriek
When I feel your strong arms
Wrap their way
Tightly around my waist
From behind
And as we begin to dance together
The unspoken sound
Of our love
For one another
Plays in the background of my thoughts
Drowning out the sound
Of the deafening rain
As we dance
Together
In the rain
Right as you softly speak
Those three words
Against my lips

balance
such a colloquial word
and yet
its application is so foreign
how do I find balance between
trusting someone and questioning their motives
I don't want to be blindly trustful and get hurt
but I also don't want to be hardened
to the point that I lack trust in anyone but myself
so
what is the balance

being honest and also concealing the truth
I had a tendency of over explaining myself to others
that concealing information was immoral
that if I wanted a relationship to work
I needed to tell the honest truth and all the information
but there is a beauty
in concealing information and withholding the truth
it is an art
that I am learning to master

if you only knew
the addiction that you're feeding
with your compliments

my body that you praise
the toned muscles "in all the right spots"
it's the product of
binge eating episodes
compulsive measuring of
every
gram
of
every
single
meal
i
ate
throughout the day
painful joints
from pushing past what should be safe and acceptable
paranoia and overwhelming anxiety
from missing a workout
or feeling as if i didn't push myself "hard" enough
when in the gym
the stress that followed me
when i couldn't count the macros in a meal
so i would bring my meal preps
everywhere
with
me
at sleepovers
and even restaurants
this
is the ugly side of my body and healthiness

my clothes and makeup that you praise
it's a mask that holds up my confidence
the one you say you admire so much
my attempt to cope with my insecurity
of believing that I was ugly
so much so
that at one point
i never took photos
looked in mirrors
or took off layers of jackets
i kept on my body during the summer
this
is the ugly side of my "envious" makeup and style

my grades that you are shocked by
how can a girl
that looks like you do have
consecutive 4.0s from middle school to nursing school in college
they have been my attempt to cope with an insecurity
of believing that i was dumb
and would never surmount to anything
they are the product
of my unintentional weight loss that fluctuated
in middle and high school
because my chronic stress would take away my appetite
lunches were comprised of library study sessions
i would throw up
dry heave mostly
in the mornings
before exams
because it made my nerves go away
having night terrors with school
where i would wake up sweaty and scared
my heart beat pounding in my ears
endless hours of crying
wishing i was "normal"
whatever that means
never taking the time
of admiring my accomplishments
because the fear of the next assignment
consumed me
not knowing how to answer the question
what do you do outside of school
to take care of yourself
and being shocked by the silence
that lingered for way too long
and the tears that quietly ran down my cheeks
not knowing what self-care was
because i was so consumed with my grades
truly believing that i didn't deserve to go to school
if i got an A-
when i was in sixth grade
this
is the ugly side of my academic achievements

i guess some would say i'm someone that
"has it all"
but tell me this
why is it when i had "everything"
the face
the body
the style
the grades
the personality
the talents
when i felt like i had absolutely nothing
when i felt like i was absolutely nothing
my story is not for everyone
not everyone can relate
but everyone can see the ugliness in carnal perfection
it's empty
but appears to be filled with substance
like a hot air balloon

when i had "everything"
i was at my lowest
and now
i'm learning what balance is
what self-care is
what it means to be original
and not a carbon copy of society's perfection in the flesh
i work out
but for myself and not for numbers
i don't track anything
i wear makeup when i want to
and dress how i feel like dressing
slowly learning to have a genuine confidence
and love for myself
i don't study as much as i used to
i take that time and invest it into others hobbies
like when i featured in a song
went dancing to a club in the city
went to a Kevin Gates concert
i'm finally learning who i am
i'm finally living for myself
i hope you are as well

When you threaten another
By your character or achievements
There will always be people
Waiting to criticize
E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
To judge your actions
Whether they fall short
Or aim outside of what’s deemed “appropriate” or “acceptable”
They focus on you
Because it sheds light
Consciously or unconsciously
On an insecurity of theirs
That manifests into
Jealousy or envy
Towards you

So understand
Being “perfect”
Is one of the worst adjectives
You can use
To describe another
Because it sets them up for internal chaos
That they aren’t equipped to fight
Unless they realize
They are independent from the thoughts
Of others and society altogether

I love the way
You love dancing in the rain
Freely twirling with your arms outstretched
And head tilted towards the sky
Attempting to catch the rain
Within your mouth
Leaving all of your inhibitions  
On the floor
Where the rain carried them

I love the way
You allow loose strands of hair
Wildly fall around your face
As you have a mountain of hair
Atop your beautiful head

I love the way
You always ponder questions
And desire to know more
Than what's been told
Or what meets the eye

I love the way
You separate yourself from
Every
Other
Girl
I have met
Without intentionally doing so

I love the way
You laugh embarrassingly loud
At all of my jokes
Terrible or not

I love the way
You chew your thumb
When you're in deep thought
Or the way you twist your lips
To the side when you're confused

I love the way
You hype everyone around you
Making them feel as special
As you are to them

I love the way
You never strive to be the world's
Depiction of "perfect"
But your own version of it

I love the way
You're passionate about
Well
About anything really

I love the way
You write notes to yourself
All over your left hand
With a blue pen
Which eventually gets smudged
And smeared all over your right arm
And chin

I love the way
Your fingers get abnormally cold
And I always have a pair of gloves
With me

I love the way
You treat everyone with love
Regardless of what others have said
Or of their known history

I love the way
You smile with your entire being
So much so
That your eyes disappear
And I always have to zoom
On the picture
To see if you accidentally blinked
While you punch my arm

But
The only thing I don't really love
About you
Is the way you love him

to the boy who will split me open
gently reach inside
pry my ribs apart
and delicately hold my heart
in the palms of his hands
know that i cannot wait to learn
the way you squirm when i kiss your neck
the way you attempt to suppress a smile
when i grab your upper thigh beneath the table
at a friends' dinner party
the way you moan and stretch in bed
during our late mornings together
the way you like to have me run my fingers through your hair
the way you want me to hold your face as we kiss
the way you groan when my hand finds your arousal
the way you bite your lip when i show you each of my outfits
and do a twirl for you
the way you like to hold my hand
and rub your thumb across my bottom lip
the way you effortlessly laugh at my terrible jokes
the way you look at me with unspoken reverence
when I catch you staring and you thought I wouldn't
the way you like to grab my waist underneath my shirt
to lift me up into your arms
the way you kiss me passionately
without a care to anyone who can see us
when i see you for the first time in the day
the way you caress my hipbone when we cuddle
knowing that it was once my biggest insecurity
until i met you and you showed me
just how much you love spending time in-between them
the way your friends tell me how you talk to them about me
the way you look at me
from head to toe
when i sensually flirt with you
just to see how far you can restrain yourself
before you act on your desires
the way you desperately whisper
my name like a prayer
as I move on top of you
to straddle your lap
in the middle of us making out
the way you quietly murmur
one day i'm going to marry you
as we are laying in bed
and you think i have fallen asleep before you
the way you get nervously excited
when i smile widely in your direction
knowing that mischief is going to rear its head
around the corner sometime soon
the way you hold me close to your chest
as we sway to music in the dark
this goes to the boy who will get to engage with me in ways
that no one else will
i cannot wait for the day
where I get to learn more about the complexity
that is your mind

To hate yourself
Is to love the world
To love yourself
Is to hate the world

I want to be
So in love
With someone
That I smile ridiculously wide
Just at the mere thought
Of his name

I want to be
So in love
With someone
That I shiver
Just at the mere thought
Of his hands
Gently caressing my
Cheeks
Gently tracing my
Bottom lip
Gently pressing against the edges of my
Jaw
Gently moving across my
Collarbone
Gently stroking my naked
Shoulder

I want to be
So in love
With someone
That I melt
Like chocolate in a s'more
Just at the mere thought
Of his hands
Gently intertwining
Against mine

I love the sea
The consistency in her waves
Lapping at the shore
Gently
Ragingly
Lazily
Whichever way she chooses to for that day
The inviting nature of her ability to reflect light in a blurry haze
The reverence she doesn’t demand but nonetheless receives from environmentally entitled humans who are at her mercy when they decide to tread in her waters
I love the sea
So why do I recoil so viscerally at her pungent smell of salt and seaweed today
I’ve smelt it before
Even was comforted by it at times
But now
It’s too much for me
I must say goodbye early today
And turn away

i have realized
that it is in silence
where my voice thrives
it is where i truly found my voice
and welcomed her with open arms

this world does not want us to find our voices
no matter how much it advertises for it
because once we do
we begin to realize the power behind it
and the lies that were found in the noise
of the world

find your voice
strip your mind of all other narratives
and listen to the one that has been buried down
beneath all the trash
there lies your most authentic self
the one that has been there
all along

I want to be
A collection of truths
A vessel of adages
A fountain of proverbs
A time capsule of thought-provoking
Statements
Questions
Facts