You are not your failures
But most importantly
You are not your achievements either
So
Who are you

I want to be with someone
Who makes me feel
Beautiful
Because anyone can make you feel
Cute
Pretty
Attractive
Gorgeous
Hot
****
Bangin’
(You get the point)
But not everyone can make you feel
Beautiful
It’s something that’s so
Simple
And yet complex
It’s something that’s so
Pure
Raw
Untainted by carnality
It’s so
...
Beautiful

Some say that their lovers
Have left their imprint
All over their heart
But you
You left the biggest of imprints
The only difference
It's invisible
And sometimes
I rejoice
Foolishly believeing  
That your mark has left
But it's only temporary alievement
Before reality sets in
And I realize it's still there

Tell me all your insecurities
So I can tell you
Why they aren’t

In whatever you pursue to do
Or choose to believe
I only ask of one thing from you
Be passionate
But don’t let it
Foolishly blind you
From emotionally and intellectually
Tolerating ideas or activities
That challenge
Oppose
Or skeptically question your own
For it was once said
That the mark of an educated man
Is one who is able to entertain a thought
Without accepting it

I want to be
A collection of truths
A vessel of adages
A fountain of proverbs
A time capsule of thought-provoking
Statements
Questions
Facts

Tell me
How can I make you
See yourself
Through my eyes
And not yours

wrap me in your finest silk
kiss the bruises left behind by past's careless lovers
hold my hands delicately and place them gently on your jawline
closing your eyes as you turn your head and press your cheek
against my left palm
lay me down on your bed
place those lips of yours against the inside of my right thigh
as you would with a rosary
and whisper your blessings as you rest your tongue between them

I want to live
In the moment
With one hundred percent
Of my attention
Being fixated on whatever is before me
Not what's on my phone
Or lingering in the back of my mind
I want to live
Rawly
In the moment
I want to be carried away
With all of the emotions
Formed from that specific moment
To be remembered in my head
Not in the form of a picture in a gallery
Or in a phone
I want to genuinely live
In the moment
In a way
That I can't even begin to put into words
Because I cannot express
How I want to feel
Into words

To my past lover
Who will never read this poem
Like you used to
With all the other ones I would write
Where you were my muse
When we were together

I miss the way you used to say my name
Because it sounded exactly like how you would say
I love you

Products and/or standards of a capitalistic market
Are usually never intended to
Create long-term satisfaction
That is just not how it works
They need to shift constantly

What is "in" or on trend frequently changes
In order to be able to continue selling new products
It is based on promising a temporary product with a temporary high

I love the sea
The consistency in her waves
Lapping at the shore
Gently
Ragingly
Lazily
Whichever way she chooses to for that day
The inviting nature of her ability to reflect light in a blurry haze
The reverence she doesn’t demand but nonetheless receives from environmentally entitled humans who are at her mercy when they decide to tread in her waters
I love the sea
So why do I recoil so viscerally at her pungent smell of salt and seaweed today
I’ve smelt it before
Even was comforted by it at times
But now
It’s too much for me
I must say goodbye early today
And turn away

I don't want to capture
A guy's attention
With my body
But with my words
That speak with such
Depth and complexity
It silences his own
And makes him ponder
The ones that escape my lips
And drift into reality
Only to be left lurking
In the forefront of his thoughts
For many hours
After our conversations have drifted
Into the cold
Crisp wind
Of the cool night air

your personality
is the product of your conditioning from childhood
where you were modeled certain behavior
one's conditioning is made up of
coping mechanisms
boundaries or lack there of
relationship dynamics
emotional regulation
core belief systems
we only know what we know
unless we choose to pursue more
more than what we know

your hair
was meant to be brushed behind your face
by the strength of the winds

your *******
were meant to be kissed by the sun
during its nightly deaths where you watch it bleed across the sky
in all its rebellious hues

the soles of your feet
were meant to feel the fresh dew on grass
as you run through a field lit up by the moon

you were meant to be felt by the earth
do not take her gentle caresses in vain

You are the rose
Without the thorns

i desire to have someone
so thoughtful
that they analyze the way in which
they graze their fingertips across my arm
as I lay on their chest
i desire to have someone
who closes their eyes
to remind themselves
of the feeling of my body pressed against theirs
i desire to have someone
who passionately seeks to please me
in more ways than one
i desire to have someone
stroke my hair lightly
feed me soup
and whisper sweet nothings in my ear
when i get sick
i desire to have someone
that sweeps me off my feet literally
every now and then
to remind me of the adrenaline
that would flood my veins
when we first dated
i desire to have someone
who takes me out on midnight walks
where we silently hold hands
as we rejoice simply in the company of one another
no words needed to be shared
i desire to have someone
who sings me to sleep
when i struggle to find rest in our bed
i desire to have someone
who creates intimate jokes and games
that we play with one another
until the day our hair turns gray
i desire to have someone
who dries the dishes as i wash them
only to turn on cigarettes after $ex
where they grab me to slow dance
in the middle of the kitchen
all while my hands still have soap on them
and we giggle silently
pressing our foreheads together
as we hope to not wake our kids
i desire to have someone
who continuously seeks to understand me
and grow independently
as the years go by
so that we may keep an open dialogue
and have the kind of love
that surpasses anything we have ever seen
or heard of

I want you right now
Like some want six-pack abs
It’s an unrealistic goal
To want it immediately
Because many things are needed
Patience
Self discipline
And consistency
But I can’t help but wish you were
Right here
Right now
Like some wish for abs
When they look at their stomach
I just want to hug you
For long periods of times
Let you paint my nails
And laugh at your technique
Allow you to braid my hair
After I teach you how to do so
Shave your beard
And apply tissue paper on your cuts
Make terrible friendship bracelets
And tie them around each other’s ankles
Let you teach me how to play a game you like
Go on ride alongs
where we each gather music for a certain mood
And do nothings but drive and listen
I want you
Right here
Right now
Like some want six-pack abs
But
In order for that to happen
I need to meet you  
I need to know who you are
Your face
Your name
Your favorite color
Your go to remedy for when you’re down
I need to create a history with you
But right now
I just want all the cute moments
Just like how some wish for abs
They want the aesthetic
Without having to train and eat for it

beyond procreation
and even beyond spiritual growth
I think the purpose of romantic relationships
is to be caretakers of each others traumatized parts
and to love those parts
and to hold space for those parts
because what that does
is it gives our partner and ourselves
what is called a disconfirming experience
that's a corrective experience
that was missing when they were growing up
so it's not that you're being their mother
or father or whatever
but you're giving this part of their personality
a safe space to finally express itself
to not be rejected
to not be abandoned
and to not be shamed
that is so so powerful
and people will try to do all kinds of stuff
instead of that
get a pluses
make ten million
do a launch
get a million followers
but all we're looking for is a corrective experience
of parts of ourselves
that have never really been allowed to see the light of day
it's an important process

all relationship drama  
the purpose of it
is to surface the trauma
and to have it be resolved in the relationship
not separated
that is the goal
to be a safe container for each other

we can use relationships
to be this container of our healing

because in relational trauma cycles
when you pick someone
who's not emotionally available
the benefit to your nervous system
is that you don't have to be be vulnerable either
so there is a level of safety in that

oh words
I am sorry for my neglect
it is as if my body has turned against me in the most deprived way

I remember the delicate time in my life where
poetry spilled from my lips
flowed widely and untamed
into the whispers of night's dark company
who listened and graciously opened her arms to my many suppressed emotions
to my light and my own darkness

she whispered my name tonight
oh so sweetly
after too many lonely nights
where I've left her to see me in my silent struggles
close yet too far away from me
a helpless bystander in my own demise

but not tonight
tonight
she has held my hand warmly
brushed the tears trailing my cheeks softly
and calls me home

I find myself asking if it’s
The the number of views
The the number of likes
Whether or not it’s trending
If it’s constantly a work in progress
Or an idea that has yet come to light
If it’s a simple sentence
Or fills pages in my notebook
If it’s about
Love
Or Pain
If I’ve written my best one already
Or if it’s still on it’s way
Due to something that’ll happen in my life
That I’m currently unaware of
If it’s publsihed on Hello Poetry
Or lies between the wrinkled pages
Of notebooks left in my closet at home

While I would lay on your bare chest
Your lips pressed against my neck
As your fingertips drew on my back
When mine drew
I love you
Which you weren’t aware of yet
On your shoulder
I would always quietly ask you
What you were writing
Your response
Time and time again
Would only be a smile
Which I would feel travel from my throat
To my soul
But today
You gently said my full name
But with your last name

We’re all ****** up
We’ve all been victims in certain stories
We’ve all been oppressors in others
So stop pointing the finger
Because it’s only a mirror

Tell me
How do you explain
Colors
To someone
Who is blind

I want to smear red lipstick
On my lips
Strip you of all your clothes
Piece by piece
Kiss your body
From head to toe
Only to pull away from you
And admire my artwork
Literally
And
Figuratively

Fear
Is the result of
Ignorance

Can’t you hear my heart
Speeding out of my chest
As I listen to you talk about your day
The subtle way my chest rises faster
The longer you keep eye contact
The slight strain in my laughter
As you make a joke
You overwhelm me
But I don’t want you to know about it
I’m twisting my fingers behind me
Hoping that you can’t tell
How much I like you
That you’re not as perceptive in my baseline
As you are in others

Do you think that if you spend enough time at the beach
You would be able to smell the ocean
In the seams of your clothes and pockets of your jacket
Do you think it can linger and permeate
Like cigarettes and bitter goodbyes

Pull me flush against you
Skin on skin
Grasp my waist tightly under my shirt
And allow me to freely roam my hands
Across your chest
Stare at me as I admire the masterpiece
That is you
Close your eyes as I roughly run my hands
Through your hair
Only to gently press my lips
Against your eyelids
Forehead
Cheekbones
Jawline
Corners of your lips
And on the tip of your nose
I want your breath
Panting
In my ear
I want to feel your hands
Against my body and its curves
As your eyes lock onto mine
Soaking in all of my expressions
As you explore parts of my body
No one has before
I want to hear the quick intake of air
When I tell you I love you
As my lips are pressed against your heart

touching the darkness of the expired night
with every breath I take
I stare up at a ceiling I cannot see
laying on top of a stranger's bed
with the tune of rain falling upon the roof and windowpane
echoing softly behind the melancholic melodies of Giveon
I cannot sleep
as evidenced by the night's presence breathing on my neck
my thoughts all tend to drift to you
I cannot let you out of my mind
the memories of you burn more passionately than ever before
and yet
my tears sooth their lingering sting
as they slowly descend down the sides of my face
while I remain motionless
I wish you could leave me in peace
I cannot escape you
even in the comfort of my own mind
but part of me also hopes that you never do
All my senses blur
darkness fades
and in its place is your captivating silhouette
which laughs as you turn to smile in my direction
I close my eyes
and yet
I cannot get past the taste of your lips on mine
I try to focus on anything else
but its almost as if you're teasing me
like you once did before
I begin to hear your laughter
and smell your distinctive scent
it feels so real
almost as if I were laying right beside you
tucked into your body
as you would wrap your arm around me tightly
I open my eyes
gasp for air
and quietly whisper to no one but myself
how much longer must I wait
until I no longer feel as though I am only half of a human
why did you have to be so tender
so attentive
so thoughtful and observant
you've ruined me
and now I don't know how to cope
no one treated me the way you did
and I miss your comfort
I miss you

No where feels like home
Not even if I go back
To what once was familiar in youth
It's changed
I have too
And no roots have taken ahold
All soil I encounter is unfit for anchoring

I don't feel as though I am growing
Simply trying to survive
And maintain as much as I can
Mitigate damage from lack of essentials

you looked at me
and thought I was perfection in the flesh
you projected an image onto me
then fell in love with it
not me
only to be left disappointed
once you realized that you fell for someone
who did not exist
you dehumanized me
placed me on a pedestal that I couldn't even reach
I felt exhausted
discouraged
you didn't see me for me
you saw me how you wished me to be
and for that
I won't say that I am sorry
but I will say it to myself
for thinking that I needed to be someone
other than who I am
because I am enough
in my most authentic form
which you never got the privilege of experiencing
and never will

I hope you find someone
That makes you turn inwards
To search for all the things you were conditioned to believe were to be found outside of yourself and in someone else
That makes you realize that you have all the answers within
Love
Happiness
Joy

they say if you struggle with addiction
use the acronym HALT
to analyze if your urge can subside
once you go through the acronym
and see if you just need to meet those needs
to get the urges to go away or dampen
so ask yourself
are you hungry
are you angry
are you lonely
are you tired
while this is a good tool
it does not work for me
my addiction stems from feeling lonely
and what I want
is something that I can't ask for
I want to be held
I want to cuddle with someone who
deeply loves me with admirable reverence
a seasoned and mature love
but I do not have that
and I cannot ask someone for that need to be met
I am aware that this stems from my childhood
a need that was not met adequately
but ****
it *****
and that's why I engage in my addiction
it provides a superficial sense of intimacy
I just want to be held in a loving embrace
and yet I shy away from physical contact with others