Numbing is so familiar to me
When I was a kid
My body took over to protect me
From childhood trauma and abuse
So I would go numb
My preferred defense mechanism

Now as an adult
I ingest substances to "protect" me
So I can go numb

Isn't it a little amusing  
How I'm repeating my body's natural cycles of defense in my own now
But with external resources
That are known to harm

Taking a shower
I find it quite spectacular
While a little bit peculiar
How I can hear even more
Mezmorizing sounds
When I cover my ears

As I stand under the water
I close my eyes
Cover my ears
And allow the new
Unfamiliar yet comforting sound
Of the water cascading down my head
Fill my mind

It's loud enough
To drown out any and everything else
Around me

It is an all-consuming noise
That consumes the sounds of the outside
World
So you're able to be left
With your inner thoughts
Alone
Warm
With a comforting bliss
Washing over you

You mouth
I love you
Against my lips
Because you’re too shy
To look me in the eye
And proclaim your feelings
Scared of the emotion
Which is all too foreign
To the likes of someone like you
But that’s where you’re wrong
Because if you just lifted your face from mine
You would see the genuine emotion in my eyes
As I tell you that you are worth loving
As I tell you that you are capable of receiving love
As I tell you that you are loved
Because the fear of rejection
Is the result of chronic insecurity
To love oneself
As they are
Unconditionally

Things will never be the exact same way as they were before
and I would like to believe that that is okay
but it hurts too much to hold the thought
I miss her
I wish he would respond to my unanswered texts

these emotions bleed from some of the most deepest parts of me
and I get afraid of the shades they come in
but I welcome them anyway
because I want to honor my midnight black moments like I would my meadow greens and sunflower yellows

I ended seasons with certain people and activities in my life
and sometimes I regret them deeply
I wish I could just text or call
but I know better than to reach out that way
it feels as if it is too late
but the hurt that I bled in front of them felt as if it went unnoticed
as if they just admired the saturated color with the ghost of a smile gracing their pursed lips

wrap me in your finest silk
kiss the bruises left behind by past's careless lovers
hold my hands delicately and place them gently on your jawline
closing your eyes as you turn your head and press your cheek
against my left palm
lay me down on your bed
place those lips of yours against the inside of my right thigh
as you would with a rosary
and whisper your blessings as you rest your tongue between them

I want you to psychoanalyze me
Tell me what’s wrong with me
So I can fix it

But that’s when I paused
Shocked by my own revelation

I may have never said it
But in between my words
Laid the belief

I am a problem

This is the root of my desire to be psychoanalyzed

This is the problem

I don't want to capture
A guy's attention
With my body
But with my words
That speak with such
Depth and complexity
It silences his own
And makes him ponder
The ones that escape my lips
And drift into reality
Only to be left lurking
In the forefront of his thoughts
For many hours
After our conversations have drifted
Into the cold
Crisp wind
Of the cool night air

Some say that their lovers
Have left their imprint
All over their heart
But you
You left the biggest of imprints
The only difference
It's invisible
And sometimes
I rejoice
Foolishly believeing  
That your mark has left
But it's only temporary alievement
Before reality sets in
And I realize it's still there

You are the rose
Without the thorns

i desire to have someone
so thoughtful
that they analyze the way in which
they graze their fingertips across my arm
as I lay on their chest
i desire to have someone
who closes their eyes
to remind themselves
of the feeling of my body pressed against theirs
i desire to have someone
who passionately seeks to please me
in more ways than one
i desire to have someone
stroke my hair lightly
feed me soup
and whisper sweet nothings in my ear
when i get sick
i desire to have someone
that sweeps me off my feet literally
every now and then
to remind me of the adrenaline
that would flood my veins
when we first dated
i desire to have someone
who takes me out on midnight walks
where we silently hold hands
as we rejoice simply in the company of one another
no words needed to be shared
i desire to have someone
who sings me to sleep
when i struggle to find rest in our bed
i desire to have someone
who creates intimate jokes and games
that we play with one another
until the day our hair turns gray
i desire to have someone
who dries the dishes as i wash them
only to turn on cigarettes after $ex
where they grab me to slow dance
in the middle of the kitchen
all while my hands still have soap on them
and we giggle silently
pressing our foreheads together
as we hope to not wake our kids
i desire to have someone
who continuously seeks to understand me
and grow independently
as the years go by
so that we may keep an open dialogue
and have the kind of love
that surpasses anything we have ever seen
or heard of

I want to smear red lipstick
On my lips
Strip you of all your clothes
Piece by piece
Kiss your body
From head to toe
Only to pull away from you
And admire my artwork
Literally
And
Figuratively

I find myself asking if it’s
The the number of views
The the number of likes
Whether or not it’s trending
If it’s constantly a work in progress
Or an idea that has yet come to light
If it’s a simple sentence
Or fills pages in my notebook
If it’s about
Love
Or Pain
If I’ve written my best one already
Or if it’s still on it’s way
Due to something that’ll happen in my life
That I’m currently unaware of
If it’s publsihed on Hello Poetry
Or lies between the wrinkled pages
Of notebooks left in my closet at home

In whatever you pursue to do
Or choose to believe
I only ask of one thing from you
Be passionate
But don’t let it
Foolishly blind you
From emotionally and intellectually
Tolerating ideas or activities
That challenge
Oppose
Or skeptically question your own
For it was once said
That the mark of an educated man
Is one who is able to entertain a thought
Without accepting it

While I would lay on your bare chest
Your lips pressed against my neck
As your fingertips drew on my back
When mine drew
I love you
Which you weren’t aware of yet
On your shoulder
I would always quietly ask you
What you were writing
Your response
Time and time again
Would only be a smile
Which I would feel travel from my throat
To my soul
But today
You gently said my full name
But with your last name

Tell me
How do you explain
Colors
To someone
Who is blind

your hair
was meant to be brushed behind your face
by the strength of the winds

your *******
were meant to be kissed by the sun
during its nightly deaths where you watch it bleed across the sky
in all its rebellious hues

the soles of your feet
were meant to feel the fresh dew on grass
as you run through a field lit up by the moon

you were meant to be felt by the earth
do not take her gentle caresses in vain

oh words
I am sorry for my neglect
it is as if my body has turned against me in the most deprived way

I remember the delicate time in my life where
poetry spilled from my lips
flowed widely and untamed
into the whispers of night's dark company
who listened and graciously opened her arms to my many suppressed emotions
to my light and my own darkness

she whispered my name tonight
oh so sweetly
after too many lonely nights
where I've left her to see me in my silent struggles
close yet too far away from me
a helpless bystander in my own demise

but not tonight
tonight
she has held my hand warmly
brushed the tears trailing my cheeks softly
and calls me home

I want to live
In the moment
With one hundred percent
Of my attention
Being fixated on whatever is before me
Not what's on my phone
Or lingering in the back of my mind
I want to live
Rawly
In the moment
I want to be carried away
With all of the emotions
Formed from that specific moment
To be remembered in my head
Not in the form of a picture in a gallery
Or in a phone
I want to genuinely live
In the moment
In a way
That I can't even begin to put into words
Because I cannot express
How I want to feel
Into words

Fear
Is the result of
Ignorance

Pull me flush against you
Skin on skin
Grasp my waist tightly under my shirt
And allow me to freely roam my hands
Across your chest
Stare at me as I admire the masterpiece
That is you
Close your eyes as I roughly run my hands
Through your hair
Only to gently press my lips
Against your eyelids
Forehead
Cheekbones
Jawline
Corners of your lips
And on the tip of your nose
I want your breath
Panting
In my ear
I want to feel your hands
Against my body and its curves
As your eyes lock onto mine
Soaking in all of my expressions
As you explore parts of my body
No one has before
I want to hear the quick intake of air
When I tell you I love you
As my lips are pressed against your heart

We’re all ****** up
We’ve all been victims in certain stories
We’ve all been oppressors in others
So stop pointing the finger
Because it’s only a mirror

I love the sea
The consistency in her waves
Lapping at the shore
Gently
Ragingly
Lazily
Whichever way she chooses to for that day
The inviting nature of her ability to reflect light in a blurry haze
The reverence she doesn’t demand but nonetheless receives from environmentally entitled humans who are at her mercy when they decide to tread in her waters
I love the sea
So why do I recoil so viscerally at her pungent smell of salt and seaweed today
I’ve smelt it before
Even was comforted by it at times
But now
It’s too much for me
I must say goodbye early today
And turn away

Products and/or standards of a capitalistic market
Are usually never intended to
Create long-term satisfaction
That is just not how it works
They need to shift constantly

What is "in" or on trend frequently changes
In order to be able to continue selling new products
It is based on promising a temporary product with a temporary high

An aesthetically beautiful woman
Is more intimidating to them
Than an aesthetically beautiful man
She will make her question
Her beauty
Her worth
Her value
Way more than the man

touching the darkness of the expired night
with every breath I take
I stare up at a ceiling I cannot see
laying on top of a stranger's bed
with the tune of rain falling upon the roof and windowpane
echoing softly behind the melancholic melodies of Giveon
I cannot sleep
as evidenced by the night's presence breathing on my neck
my thoughts all tend to drift to you
I cannot let you out of my mind
the memories of you burn more passionately than ever before
and yet
my tears sooth their lingering sting
as they slowly descend down the sides of my face
while I remain motionless
I wish you could leave me in peace
I cannot escape you
even in the comfort of my own mind
but part of me also hopes that you never do
All my senses blur
darkness fades
and in its place is your captivating silhouette
which laughs as you turn to smile in my direction
I close my eyes
and yet
I cannot get past the taste of your lips on mine
I try to focus on anything else
but its almost as if you're teasing me
like you once did before
I begin to hear your laughter
and smell your distinctive scent
it feels so real
almost as if I were laying right beside you
tucked into your body
as you would wrap your arm around me tightly
I open my eyes
gasp for air
and quietly whisper to no one but myself
how much longer must I wait
until I no longer feel as though I am only half of a human
why did you have to be so tender
so attentive
so thoughtful and observant
you've ruined me
and now I don't know how to cope
no one treated me the way you did
and I miss your comfort
I miss you

I want you right now
Like some want six-pack abs
It’s an unrealistic goal
To want it immediately
Because many things are needed
Patience
Self discipline
And consistency
But I can’t help but wish you were
Right here
Right now
Like some wish for abs
When they look at their stomach
I just want to hug you
For long periods of times
Let you paint my nails
And laugh at your technique
Allow you to braid my hair
After I teach you how to do so
Shave your beard
And apply tissue paper on your cuts
Make terrible friendship bracelets
And tie them around each other’s ankles
Let you teach me how to play a game you like
Go on ride alongs
where we each gather music for a certain mood
And do nothings but drive and listen
I want you
Right here
Right now
Like some want six-pack abs
But
In order for that to happen
I need to meet you  
I need to know who you are
Your face
Your name
Your favorite color
Your go to remedy for when you’re down
I need to create a history with you
But right now
I just want all the cute moments
Just like how some wish for abs
They want the aesthetic
Without having to train and eat for it

The more you spread your legs
The less your social worth becomes
Do not *******
It’s only for boys
Your body shouldn’t yield pleasure
Only pain
Careful with your eyes
Don’t look into mine for too long
Avert your gaze
You’re supposed to be submissive
Watch that mouth of yours
Sew it shut with your needle and thread
Smile more
You look like an entitled *****
No one really thinks you're THAT pretty anyways
Why’d you get in my way
Move over
Take up less space
Be thinner
Talk quieter
Talk less
In fact
I wish you were a doll
They’re prettier to look at and annoy me less

It’s funny
Because as I stand here alone
With my eyes gently closed
Below the branches of large willows
That live in this hidden park
Having the warm sun
Soak into my skin and
The distant melody of birds chirping
Be the only source of sound around me
I can’t help but feel
As though it’s too loud
Because my thoughts
They scream
Demanding to be heard and felt
Even when I don’t want to
Give them the authority to
Which is so different to the
Peace
Tranquility
And quietness
That this place emits before me
Physically
In comparison to what’s happening
Inside me internally
Emotionally

beyond procreation
and even beyond spiritual growth
I think the purpose of romantic relationships
is to be caretakers of each others traumatized parts
and to love those parts
and to hold space for those parts
because what that does
is it gives our partner and ourselves
what is called a disconfirming experience
that's a corrective experience
that was missing when they were growing up
so it's not that you're being their mother
or father or whatever
but you're giving this part of their personality
a safe space to finally express itself
to not be rejected
to not be abandoned
and to not be shamed
that is so so powerful
and people will try to do all kinds of stuff
instead of that
get a pluses
make ten million
do a launch
get a million followers
but all we're looking for is a corrective experience
of parts of ourselves
that have never really been allowed to see the light of day
it's an important process

all relationship drama  
the purpose of it
is to surface the trauma
and to have it be resolved in the relationship
not separated
that is the goal
to be a safe container for each other

we can use relationships
to be this container of our healing

because in relational trauma cycles
when you pick someone
who's not emotionally available
the benefit to your nervous system
is that you don't have to be be vulnerable either
so there is a level of safety in that

they say if you struggle with addiction
use the acronym HALT
to analyze if your urge can subside
once you go through the acronym
and see if you just need to meet those needs
to get the urges to go away or dampen
so ask yourself
are you hungry
are you angry
are you lonely
are you tired
while this is a good tool
it does not work for me
my addiction stems from feeling lonely
and what I want
is something that I can't ask for
I want to be held
I want to cuddle with someone who
deeply loves me with admirable reverence
a seasoned and mature love
but I do not have that
and I cannot ask someone for that need to be met
I am aware that this stems from my childhood
a need that was not met adequately
but ****
it *****
and that's why I engage in my addiction
it provides a superficial sense of intimacy
I just want to be held in a loving embrace
and yet I shy away from physical contact with others

My fantasies
They consist of the little things
The intimate moments
That don’t cost much
Or require grand gestures in front of many
I dream of
Holding hands while you kiss my knuckles
Forehead kisses
Lifting my chin up to catch my eyes
Piggyback rides
Wearing your sweatshirts that you sprayed your cologne on
Going on a calm walk together in silence
Where we enjoy each other’s presence
Slow kisses that are filled with passion
Rubbing your thumb across my cheek
Outlining my smile
Hugging me tightly around my waist from behind
Placing your head in the crook of my neck
Lightly kissing me to tease me
Going to the beach at sunset while
Eating ice cream in a waffle cone
From the back of your trunk
Wrapped in blankets with music in the background
Playing competitive games
Cuddling for hours
Where you finally let me be big spoon
Closing your eyes as you let me
Explore your face with my eyes and hands
Because you know I get shy
Going to the movies and sharing popcorn
Car rides in the rain as we listen to music
Singing at the top of our lungs to one another
Having you braid my hair
After I teach you how to do it
Massaging your back
Working out together
Going to a bonfire and sitting on your lap with a blanket covering us
Coming to my house at random hours
Of the night to take me away
On a spontaneous trips
Watching the sunrise together
These
Are a few of my fantasies
I just want the free intimate moments
With you
The basics of a relationship
That typically get overlooked
Those
Are my fantasy
Ones that I want continuously
Even after we get married and have kids

you looked at me
and thought I was perfection in the flesh
you projected an image onto me
then fell in love with it
not me
only to be left disappointed
once you realized that you fell for someone
who did not exist
you dehumanized me
placed me on a pedestal that I couldn't even reach
I felt exhausted
discouraged
you didn't see me for me
you saw me how you wished me to be
and for that
I won't say that I am sorry
but I will say it to myself
for thinking that I needed to be someone
other than who I am
because I am enough
in my most authentic form
which you never got the privilege of experiencing
and never will

I hope you find someone
That makes you turn inwards
To search for all the things you were conditioned to believe were to be found outside of yourself and in someone else
That makes you realize that you have all the answers within
Love
Happiness
Joy

your personality
is the product of your conditioning from childhood
where you were modeled certain behavior
one's conditioning is made up of
coping mechanisms
boundaries or lack there of
relationship dynamics
emotional regulation
core belief systems
we only know what we know
unless we choose to pursue more
more than what we know

When you threaten another
By your character or achievements
There will always be people
Waiting to criticize
E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
To judge your actions
Whether they fall short
Or aim outside of what’s deemed “appropriate” or “acceptable”
They focus on you
Because it sheds light
Consciously or unconsciously
On an insecurity of theirs
That manifests into
Jealousy or envy
Towards you

So understand
Being “perfect”
Is one of the worst adjectives
You can use
To describe another
Because it sets them up for internal chaos
That they aren’t equipped to fight
Unless they realize
They are independent from the thoughts
Of others and society altogether

to the ones
that are heavy burdened and beaten down
by the cruelties of life and its wicked ways
you are more
than the scattered and broken pieces
left of life's destructive tools
used to pummel you down to nothingness

to the ones
that struggle to barely lift
the unbearable weight
of their parents and peers expectations
that grow and spread like flesh eating viruses
slowly but surely taking pieces of you away
you are more than your labels
more than your image  
but most importantly
you are more than the materialistic values
that you superficially hold

to the ones
that either hold fluttering butterflies or stinging bees
in their stomachs
you are more
than your raging teenage hormones

to the ones
that struggle to accept the skin that they live in
you are more
than the decaying shell
that we call our bodies
because the most beautiful people
are the ones who are quietly unaware of it

to the ones
that see life in billions of shades of grey
you are more
than the color in which you see life in
it might just take a lover
to rub the dust off your lens

to the ones
that feel as though they don't fit in
you are more
than the conformity you see around you
because progress wasn't made without diversity

When was the last time
You felt as though
You were seen
Facade and stereotypes aside
Just a bare, broken soul inside
Exposed to the compassionate other
Or more importantly
Have you ever felt seen
Has anyone ever looked past
The exterior you coat yourself in
Whether it be one of
Indifference
Kindness
Hatred or
Pride