I did it
I ******* did it

I feel the crushing weight of your absence
Sitting firmly and heavy
Right under my sternum

Do you feel it in this exact moment?

I've been thinking about you a lot lately
Part of me hopes that you do too

I miss you dearly
More so than anyone else in my life at the moment

It hurts me to think about you
This I am painfully aware of

Sometimes
I go to museums or the ocean to feel you
I close my eyes and pretend I will open them and see you there
Hear your boisterous laugh sync with mine
Watch as you tuck your frizzy curly plum-red mane of hair behind your ear

Our last few encounters cut me deeper than any other pain I know
The damage is insurmountable
You spat and crumbled the last bits of vulnerability I showed you with what looked like no remorse
As if I meant nothing to you

I still grieve you every time I think of you
I hate you
(I still love you)
I love you
(I still hate you)
Im glad you're gone
(Sometimes I'm not)
I wish I could pick up my phone
And call you like old times
(Sometimes I don't)
I've never deleted your number
I don't plan to anytime soon

I know the extent of my grief is a reflection of how deeply I praised our relationship
So maybe I've been silent in initiating it
The grief
Because I praised it so heavily
I'm afraid to open it up
And begin that journey
I'm just not there
Yet

Im not sure how I'll process this loss

No one ever prepared me for the grief that comes with losing a soul mate birthed in friendship

Products and/or standards of a capitalistic market
Are usually never intended to
Create long-term satisfaction
That is just not how it works
They need to shift constantly

What is "in" or on trend frequently changes
In order to be able to continue selling new products
It is based on promising a temporary product with a temporary high

When you have had a lack of mirroring
And a history of denial and dismissal
Color your harmful experiences

To see another person be moved to tears
Flips the emotional world you have mostly known your entire life upside down

It does something to the internal psyche

I may not cry with them
I may appear apathetic at times
But it's closer to stoicism
Truly

Because deep down within this conditioned mask of controlled and suppressed emotions
There's a little girl whispering thank you

Thank you for seeing my hurt
And being touched by it
Vulnerable enough to mirror for me
The grieving of my trauma

Numbing is so familiar to me
When I was a kid
My body took over to protect me
From childhood trauma and abuse
So I would go numb
My preferred defense mechanism

Now as an adult
I ingest substances to "protect" me
So I can go numb

Isn't it a little amusing  
How I'm repeating my body's natural cycles of defense in my own now
But with external resources
That are known to harm

She missed the red flags
Because they felt like home

Things will never be the exact same way as they were before
and I would like to believe that that is okay
but it hurts too much to hold the thought
I miss her
I wish he would respond to my unanswered texts

these emotions bleed from some of the most deepest parts of me
and I get afraid of the shades they come in
but I welcome them anyway
because I want to honor my midnight black moments like I would my meadow greens and sunflower yellows

I ended seasons with certain people and activities in my life
and sometimes I regret them deeply
I wish I could just text or call
but I know better than to reach out that way
it feels as if it is too late
but the hurt that I bled in front of them felt as if it went unnoticed
as if they just admired the saturated color with the ghost of a smile gracing their pursed lips

Nature should be one of our greatest teachers
It brings us back to our roots
Reminds us that we are creations in our cores as well
Invites us to come back home to our complex yet simple ways of being
Nature does not control nor stop the natural process of whatever is meant to pass or stay
We do that
So as I stand next to this tree
I admire its gift of reminding me
To let the leaves fall where they may
When it’s their time
For there is a season for all things
Some leave even when we don’t want them to
Some let go at the optimal time
And others stay longer than we hoped for
But to trust the timing

I love the sea
The consistency in her waves
Lapping at the shore
Gently
Ragingly
Lazily
Whichever way she chooses to for that day
The inviting nature of her ability to reflect light in a blurry haze
The reverence she doesn’t demand but nonetheless receives from environmentally entitled humans who are at her mercy when they decide to tread in her waters
I love the sea
So why do I recoil so viscerally at her pungent smell of salt and seaweed today
I’ve smelt it before
Even was comforted by it at times
But now
It’s too much for me
I must say goodbye early today
And turn away

Do you think that if you spend enough time at the beach
You would be able to smell the ocean
In the seams of your clothes and pockets of your jacket
Do you think it can linger and permeate
Like cigarettes and bitter goodbyes

I hope you know
You are worth it

You are worth the time and energy needed
To gently break down the walls you’ve built
Protectively around yourself

You are worth the quiet moments
You are worth the noise

You are worth the rage
You are worth the laughter

You are worth the painful tears
You are worth the face splitting smiles

I wish someone had told me
when I was much younger
To befriend
Rejection
Constructive criticism
And tension or discomfort

Most things are a balance of fears
So what do I fear more
Rejection
Criticism
Discomfort
Or missed opportunities

I hope to lean towards
The rejection
The criticism
The discomfort
The tension
In hopes of encountering more opportunities

I think I am exhausted  
Exhausted in the very depths of my soul
And no amount of sleep can help alleviate it
Only distance and a lack of contact
Physical and emotional
But it’s not an option for me right now
So instead I sleep

your hair
was meant to be brushed behind your face
by the strength of the winds

your *******
were meant to be kissed by the sun
during its nightly deaths where you watch it bleed across the sky
in all its rebellious hues

the soles of your feet
were meant to feel the fresh dew on grass
as you run through a field lit up by the moon

you were meant to be felt by the earth
do not take her gentle caresses in vain

wrap me in your finest silk
kiss the bruises left behind by past's careless lovers
hold my hands delicately and place them gently on your jawline
closing your eyes as you turn your head and press your cheek
against my left palm
lay me down on your bed
place those lips of yours against the inside of my right thigh
as you would with a rosary
and whisper your blessings as you rest your tongue between them

you told me you loved me
that i would always have a special place in your heart
you wiped my tears away with your thumbs repeatedly
as i broke down in front of you in that parking lot
you told me that you would always be there for me
that i could reach out to you at any moment

well
you lied

i guess when the circumstances changed
so did the conditions of your words

i hate you for it
for showing me what love could look like
but part of me doesn't
it thanks you for giving me that experience

it was a grounding moment for me
one that breathed so much life into my lungs
yet your silence soon afterwards felt more crushing than any simile i could think of

fu*k you
but also
thank you

you held me in your delicate hands
and never shushed or interrupted me as i began to chaotically unravel at the seams i spent so many years ensuring were kept tight and pristine

you witnessed me as i broke down
shattered myself into fragmented pieces
of what was once a mastered façade of protective perfection
and you never once abandoned me

you told me with a warm smile that reached the corner of your eyes
that my sharp edges
were worth the piercing pain that you briefly felt deeply
as they dug into your flesh

you kept all my pieces
even the ones i wanted to throw away
toss into the ocean of shame and denial
hoping they would stay there
buried beneath the dark abyss

you kept all my pieces
and told me that each one was precious
each one served me in its own valuable way
even if i was not able to see it at the time

you held me in the palm of your hands
modelled for me a concept i only knew to be familiar with in theory
not practice

you simultaneously held me with such gentleness and fierceness
it's something that makes me feel seen
makes me feel heard
it’s something I feel without a word or look
it’s your presence alone

you held me until i began to learn that i could hold all parts of myself with my own two lonely hands
that have craved
for so long
to express unconditional love
as difficult as it is

and for that
i dedicate this poem to you

thank you for listening to my soul
to the poetry of my grief as it spills from my body
through silence
tears
through breath
words
and movement

thank you
[ slow inhale and exhale to grant the breath the space to be ]
thank you

paint your face
not too much but just enough to look like it's not
dress up in your costume
smile
laugh
say the "right" words
and move your body in the "right" way

you say you are an open book
that you trust too easily
but baby
that is so far from the truth

your distrust has armor that holds up expectations of perfection
you protect yourself from others seeing you
the real one
not the fabricated
societally conditioned Barbie
at the dispense of others' real-life fantasy

fu*k perfection
authenticity is being starved
and you are the one that is refusing to open your mouth

speak up
and live life boldly

I want you to psychoanalyze me
Tell me what’s wrong with me
So I can fix it

But that’s when I paused
Shocked by my own revelation

I may have never said it
But in between my words
Laid the belief

I am a problem

This is the root of my desire to be psychoanalyzed

This is the problem

oh words
I am sorry for my neglect
it is as if my body has turned against me in the most deprived way

I remember the delicate time in my life where
poetry spilled from my lips
flowed widely and untamed
into the whispers of night's dark company
who listened and graciously opened her arms to my many suppressed emotions
to my light and my own darkness

she whispered my name tonight
oh so sweetly
after too many lonely nights
where I've left her to see me in my silent struggles
close yet too far away from me
a helpless bystander in my own demise

but not tonight
tonight
she has held my hand warmly
brushed the tears trailing my cheeks softly
and calls me home

I hope whatever you’re hoping for
In this experience
Meets you there

Numbing the pain
Is so much easier than feeling it

I wanted to take a few shots tonight
Sit in the buzz
And not the grief and sorrow
But I’m afraid I’ll get lost in the toxic substance
Just like many others in my family have
It’s why I don’t keep it in my place
I don’t want the option
So I eliminate it altogether
For nights like these
Where I want to numb myself

Who is someone you have let down in your life?

469. If you could go to any age in your life for a week, what age would you choose? Why?

468. Have you ever regretted meeting someone in your life? Why?

467. Who is a person in your life that you are no longer in contact with, but if you were to think about them enough you would tear up?
->Ben, Itzhel

466. What is a memory you wish you could relive again with one another?

465. Where is a place (restaurant/arcade) you want to try or visit?
->rage room

464. What is the longest time you have chewed gum for?

463. What is the weirdest gum flavor you have ever tried?

462. If you could say anything to someone you no longer talk to anymore, what would it be and why?

461. What is one of the most painful words you have heard your parent day to you?
->maybe you really are sick in the head and need a therapist, you're killing your mother, you've completely changed and I miss the girl you were before...you weren't a burden

460. When you go on vacation, what do you look forward to most? Do you prefer cold or hot weather? Do you like to plan or wing it day by day?

459. What age do you think you would want to live until? What's the perfect age range for you?

458. What do you need to have happened to feel like you have lived a fulfilled life? family, work, travel, love, etc.?

457. What’s a fun memory from Valentine’s Day when you were in elementary school?

456. What’s the coolest or most memorable Mother’s or Father’s Day arts and crafts that you did in elementary school?

455. Have you even grown your own vegetables or fruits? If so, what was it?

454. When was the last time you went to the movies? What movie?

453. Recall the first time you tried pop rocks.

452. As a kid, what was your favorite jolly rancher flavor?

451. Who is someone that you think about from time to time wondering how they are doing since you just drifted away from one another?

450. What is a relationship (romantic, friend) that ended that you're glad ended but still hurts to think about at times?

449. What is a door that closed in your life that you were devastated by at the time but now realize was actually a blessing?

448. Would you say that you lie often?

447. What was the last lie you told? To who? Why?

446. What is your choice of sauce if you order chicken nuggets?

445. How do you like to be supported when you are sad?

444. Face one another, close your eyes, and open your eyes once you’re ready. Once both of you are staring at one another, stare for as long as you can. Then at the end describe what the experience was like.

443. What song reminds you of the other? If there isn’t one, give a song recommendation.

442. Give a compliment to the other that focuses on something you think they do not hear often?  

441. What is a time in your life you would not want to go back to?

440. What is a time in your life that you would go back to?

439. Who is a friend that you miss the way things used to be with them? What changed the dynamic?

438. If you want to get married, what is your ideal age? Why?

437. If given the option, would you be a sugar baby?

436. Who do you think is most likely to live in another country? Would you? Why or why not?

435. What color do you think of when you imagine the other person? Is there a smell, a shape?

434. Who is someone you wish you knew under different circumstances? Why?

433. Overrated, underrated, just right: chocolate chip cookies, bacon, French kisses, forehead kisses, chalk?

432. What is the most intimate thing another person has done to you?

431. What is the most intimate thing another person has said to you?

430. What is the most intimate thing you’ve done to another human?

429. What is the most intimate thing you’ve said to another human?

428. If you’ve been kissed, explain your best kiss and what made it so?

427. Describe a memory that felt like a movie scene?
->my first and second kiss

426. Is there someone in your life you wish you could take their trauma/pain away from? If so who and why (if you feel comfortable naming)?

425. Who is someone who you consider to be precious that isn’t young? Why?

424. Who is your closest friend form the opposite ***? What is it about that that made them get this title?

423. What is the worst pain you have ever felt that wasn’t physical?

422. If you could speak any language in the world, what would it be and why?

421. Who is someone who you think has experienced the greatest amount of pain but hides it "well"? What is a misconception you have of them?

420. What is one of the biggest misconceptions you have of yourself in relation to how you think others view you?

419. Do you think you’re good person? What makes a person “good”? Why it why not?

418. Would you like to be proudest of your accomplishments or your character

417. If you could confront someone who did you ***** in your past and ask *** who would it be and why?

416. What’s the pain in me you’d most like to heal?

415. Have you ever been too scared to admit your growing feelings towards someone? What stopped you?

414. How would you describe falling in love with someone to an 80yo vs a 7yo?

413. What do you tend to think of as you wake up and lay in your bed in the morning?

412. What’s a kink of yours?

411. How has this week went week because of (you) something you said or did?

410. What do you want me to tell you that you feel you can’t say to yourself?

409. What is a movie or book ending that stayed with you?

408. How would you describe the feeling of sunlight and moonlight on your skin?

407. Do you like the sun or moon more?

406. How do you know you’re alive and not just by your ****** functions?

405. What color do you think of when you imagine a unicorn, bird, heart, fear, lollipop?
-> white and light purple, blue, red, black, red

404. What was your last memory from your childhood that you were reminded of recently?

403. Would you be a top or bottom?

402. What kind of shampoo do you use?

401.  How often do you shower?

400. Does assurance work?
-> depends. Sometimes it’s needed to help boost, other times its like a drug you need another hit
-> a behavior or action never happens once

399. What are your unique values that you bring to relationships?
-> thoughtful, kind, wonderful lover, goes out of your way to those you live, loyal, good conversationalist (feed the relationship with your mind)
->Knowing your value won’t change when challenged by the other’s external achievement and you won’t need to be reassured

398. Have you met a person that has challenged your mind intellectually? How many?

397. When was the last time you went to bed hoping that you’d not wake up?

396. Do you ever wonder how you came to be attracted to a physical look? What makes someone attractive to you physically? Is it conditioning? What if our desires were purely constructed for us?

395. When was the last time you felt proud of yourself? What was the context?

394. Who has made you cry the most painful tears in your life?

393. What is something someone struggled with around you and you didn’t know how to help?

392. What are you struggling with?

391. What is something that always makes you angry when you think about it?

390. When was the last time you cried? What was it about? We’re you alone? Did you want someone?

389. What is your favorite and why: earth, fire, water, wind?

388. What is your favorite vegetable?

387. What is your favorite fruit?

386. Do you have someone you would call in the middle of the night for emotional support?

385. When was a time you said I love you and regretted it the most? When was a time you said it and didn’t mean it the most?

384. How many times have you peed in a pool?

383.  How do clams reproduce?

382. What color of you think of when you think of the ocean? Blue, green, or both?

How do I let a guy know I like him
I haven’t had many interactions with them
But I also think my small hints aren’t working
I’m nervous as hell
But he hasn’t made any efforts to get to know me