I hope you understand what it’s like to be alone
So that when you meet someone
You’re able to appreciate their presence
More deeply

I wonder what it’s like
To be loved by someone
Romantically

I see people kiss in movies
And run my fingertips along my lips gently
Wondering what it’s like

I yearn for it
But don’t know how to go about it

Have you ever felt like
You’ve been living someone else’s life
Like the persona you’ve adopted
Has never felt authentically yours
Molding your flesh within socially constructed binaries
Ambiguity is not tolerated
It causes discomfit
Because one can not manipulate dominant and control it
Emotions are inferior
To the pristine nature of logic
It has no place to be revered
For the physiological messengers it is within our bodies

The more you spread your legs
The less your social worth becomes
Do not *******
It’s only for boys
Your body shouldn’t yield pleasure
Only pain
Careful with your eyes
Don’t look into mine for too long
Avert your gaze
You’re supposed to be submissive
Watch that mouth of yours
Sew it shut with your needle and thread
Smile more
You look like an entitled *****
No one really thinks you're THAT pretty anyways
Why’d you get in my way
Move over
Take up less space
Be thinner
Talk quieter
Talk less
In fact
I wish you were a doll
They’re prettier to look at and annoy me less

I hope you find someone
That makes you turn inwards
To search for all the things you were conditioned to believe were to be found outside of yourself and in someone else
That makes you realize that you have all the answers within
Love
Happiness
Joy

Can’t you hear my heart
Speeding out of my chest
As I listen to you talk about your day
The subtle way my chest rises faster
The longer you keep eye contact
The slight strain in my laughter
As you make a joke
You overwhelm me
But I don’t want you to know about it
I’m twisting my fingers behind me
Hoping that you can’t tell
How much I like you
That you’re not as perceptive in my baseline
As you are in others

I suffered silently
But healed loudly
All alone

We’re all ****** up
We’ve all been victims in certain stories
We’ve all been oppressors in others
So stop pointing the finger
Because it’s only a mirror

I guess that’s what makes relationships
So precious
The fact that you can ruin them
Completely obliterate what’s been created
Regardless of how much time has been invested
At any point
One conversation
One physical altercation
Can destroy it
It’s a dynamic system
That requires constant maintenance

Every behavior has purpose behind it
Laziness does not exist

The beauty of each moment in life
Is that there will never be another one
Exactly like it again
Much like you and the rest of humanity

If there is a plan B or C
Plan A will most likely fail

Taking no risk is the biggest risk of all

Survival is insufficient; there must be more to life than living it "safely"

There’s a lot of things I wish my parents taught me when I was younger
But I wish they taught me the importance of cultivating deep and meaningful relationships with many people
That one person cannot fulfill all your needs
And so each person can meet different ones
Each relationship can provide you insight on yourself
Each relationship is a window into the portal of your own soul
It is a different world where you meet and engage with the beautiful complexities of another person’s mystery as well as your own
Getting to know another person is also a chance or opportunity to get to know yourself
There are many different levels of friendships
Ranging from superficial and light to emotionally gripping and deep
Each serve their own purpose in your life
Do not belittle or praise one more than the other

One moment you’re strangers
The next
They’re your closest companion
How does that come to be

I believe that conversations
Ones that require authenticity and vulnerability
Dictate the degree of change and closeness
That happens in a relationship
Regardless of its type
Romantic
Platonic
Mentorship

It’s the conversations where one broken yet brave soul smiles and acknowledges the other that is deeply hidden in another
It’s the conversations at 3 in the morning
While you’re both on the phone as you slowly fall asleep
The conversations that have awkward silences where you smile and bite your lip
The conversations that reveal the other and your own character
The conversations that let you meet another aspect of yourself
The conversations that touch your inner child

One conversation can transform your relationship with that person
It can lead you down a different future
With yourself

I’m often misunderstood
Reduced to my stereotype
By those who don’t get the privilege of knowing me
And most people often are treated the same
Which is why
When I am understood
Seen and truly heard
Stereotypes aside
It is The greatest gift another can give me

to the boy who will split me open
gently reach inside
pry my ribs apart
and delicately hold my heart
in the palms of his hands
know that i cannot wait to learn
the way you squirm when i kiss your neck
the way you attempt to suppress a smile
when i grab your upper thigh beneath the table
at a friends' dinner party
the way you moan and stretch in bed
during our late mornings together
the way you like to have me run my fingers through your hair
the way you want me to hold your face as we kiss
the way you groan when my hand finds your arousal
the way you bite your lip when i show you each of my outfits
and do a twirl for you
the way you like to hold my hand
and rub your thumb across my bottom lip
the way you effortlessly laugh at my terrible jokes
the way you look at me with unspoken reverence
when I catch you staring and you thought I wouldn't
the way you like to grab my waist underneath my shirt
to lift me up into your arms
the way you kiss me passionately
without a care to anyone who can see us
when i see you for the first time in the day
the way you caress my hipbone when we cuddle
knowing that it was once my biggest insecurity
until i met you and you showed me
just how much you love spending time in-between them
the way your friends tell me how you talk to them about me
the way you look at me
from head to toe
when i sensually flirt with you
just to see how far you can restrain yourself
before you act on your desires
the way you desperately whisper
my name like a prayer
as I move on top of you
to straddle your lap
in the middle of us making out
the way you quietly murmur
one day i'm going to marry you
as we are laying in bed
and you think i have fallen asleep before you
the way you get nervously excited
when i smile widely in your direction
knowing that mischief is going to rear its head
around the corner sometime soon
the way you hold me close to your chest
as we sway to music in the dark
this goes to the boy who will get to engage with me in ways
that no one else will
i cannot wait for the day
where I get to learn more about the complexity
that is your mind

I’m glad I haven’t experienced
Physical intimacy with another
Because now
With the knowledge I have
All of my experiences
Will be with someone who reveres me
Teenage insecurity no longer influencing my acceptance of low-standard decisions
Each new sensation
Will not go unnoticed
I’ll be fully absorbed
And intentional in the moments where
A man tightly grasps my waist
Under my shirt
For the first time

Delicately moves his lips against mine only to spread them open
With his skilled tongue

Moments where a man
Slowly peels off my shirt
In an unhurried lust

Roams his rough palms across my bare chest and focuses his attention on my hardened *******

The moment where a man
kisses my breast softly
For the first time

It’s almost a contradiction
To love someone
When they are angry
When they are jealous
When they are vain
But it’s easy for many
To love someone
When they are joyful
When they are humble
When they are empathetic
It’s as if we have been misled
To provide conditional positive regard
Unconditional love
Is hard to encounter
A blessing to receive
And a burden to maintain

In whatever you pursue to do
Or choose to believe
I only ask of one thing from you
Be passionate
But don’t let it
Foolishly blind you
From emotionally and intellectually
Tolerating ideas or activities
That challenge
Oppose
Or skeptically question your own
For it was once said
That the mark of an educated man
Is one who is able to entertain a thought
Without accepting it

you tend to enter my mind
on days like these
where love is celebrated
on other days
in moments where I feel the most alone
I think about you
I get a warm fuzzy feeling
knowing that even though I do not know
your name
your face
I know how you make me feel
loved
unconditionally
and it soaks my mind with a gentle touch
foreign yet familiar
and when it is a holiday
I tend to think of you
knowing that even though I do not know
your name
your face
I do know that you are celebrating the day
at least I like to think so
in those moments where I feel so alone
my mind tends to drift to you
and a smile kisses the corners of my lips
I may not have anyone right now
but I do know that I will have you
one day

i have learned
that not everyone will love me
and that is okay
because i was never made to be loved by everyone
i was made to reach my most authentic self
and as i continue to honor myself
i will naturally attract those that revere my authenticity

i have also learned
that i often used comparison
as a means of measuring my worthiness for love
but now i have realized that
there is enough love for everyone on this earth
i am no longer in competition for love
since i already have it within myself
for example
another's beauty doesn't negate my own
it also doesn't lessen my worthiness of love
another's accomplishments don't negate my own
it also doesn't lessen my worthiness of love
since i now understand that we are all worthy of a love
that is external to works or identity

i desire to have someone
so thoughtful
that they analyze the way in which
they graze their fingertips across my arm
as I lay on their chest
i desire to have someone
who closes their eyes
to remind themselves
of the feeling of my body pressed against theirs
i desire to have someone
who passionately seeks to please me
in more ways than one
i desire to have someone
stroke my hair lightly
feed me soup
and whisper sweet nothings in my ear
when i get sick
i desire to have someone
that sweeps me off my feet literally
every now and then
to remind me of the adrenaline
that would flood my veins
when we first dated
i desire to have someone
who takes me out on midnight walks
where we silently hold hands
as we rejoice simply in the company of one another
no words needed to be shared
i desire to have someone
who sings me to sleep
when i struggle to find rest in our bed
i desire to have someone
who creates intimate jokes and games
that we play with one another
until the day our hair turns gray
i desire to have someone
who dries the dishes as i wash them
only to turn on cigarettes after $ex
where they grab me to slow dance
in the middle of the kitchen
all while my hands still have soap on them
and we giggle silently
pressing our foreheads together
as we hope to not wake our kids
i desire to have someone
who continuously seeks to understand me
and grow independently
as the years go by
so that we may keep an open dialogue
and have the kind of love
that surpasses anything we have ever seen
or heard of

touching the darkness of the expired night
with every breath I take
I stare up at a ceiling I cannot see
laying on top of a stranger's bed
with the tune of rain falling upon the roof and windowpane
echoing softly behind the melancholic melodies of Giveon
I cannot sleep
as evidenced by the night's presence breathing on my neck
my thoughts all tend to drift to you
I cannot let you out of my mind
the memories of you burn more passionately than ever before
and yet
my tears sooth their lingering sting
as they slowly descend down the sides of my face
while I remain motionless
I wish you could leave me in peace
I cannot escape you
even in the comfort of my own mind
but part of me also hopes that you never do
All my senses blur
darkness fades
and in its place is your captivating silhouette
which laughs as you turn to smile in my direction
I close my eyes
and yet
I cannot get past the taste of your lips on mine
I try to focus on anything else
but its almost as if you're teasing me
like you once did before
I begin to hear your laughter
and smell your distinctive scent
it feels so real
almost as if I were laying right beside you
tucked into your body
as you would wrap your arm around me tightly
I open my eyes
gasp for air
and quietly whisper to no one but myself
how much longer must I wait
until I no longer feel as though I am only half of a human
why did you have to be so tender
so attentive
so thoughtful and observant
you've ruined me
and now I don't know how to cope
no one treated me the way you did
and I miss your comfort
I miss you

your personality
is the product of your conditioning from childhood
where you were modeled certain behavior
one's conditioning is made up of
coping mechanisms
boundaries or lack there of
relationship dynamics
emotional regulation
core belief systems
we only know what we know
unless we choose to pursue more
more than what we know

death and ignorance

they say if you struggle with addiction
use the acronym HALT
to analyze if your urge can subside
once you go through the acronym
and see if you just need to meet those needs
to get the urges to go away or dampen
so ask yourself
are you hungry
are you angry
are you lonely
are you tired
while this is a good tool
it does not work for me
my addiction stems from feeling lonely
and what I want
is something that I can't ask for
I want to be held
I want to cuddle with someone who
deeply loves me with admirable reverence
a seasoned and mature love
but I do not have that
and I cannot ask someone for that need to be met
I am aware that this stems from my childhood
a need that was not met adequately
but ****
it *****
and that's why I engage in my addiction
it provides a superficial sense of intimacy
I just want to be held in a loving embrace
and yet I shy away from physical contact with others

you looked at me
and thought I was perfection in the flesh
you projected an image onto me
then fell in love with it
not me
only to be left disappointed
once you realized that you fell for someone
who did not exist
you dehumanized me
placed me on a pedestal that I couldn't even reach
I felt exhausted
discouraged
you didn't see me for me
you saw me how you wished me to be
and for that
I won't say that I am sorry
but I will say it to myself
for thinking that I needed to be someone
other than who I am
because I am enough
in my most authentic form
which you never got the privilege of experiencing
and never will

I thank you
for making the selfish decision
to focus on yourself
and rediscover who you are
to pledge to intentionality
and leap into the complex journey
of learning and exploring
your mind and body
with an innocent curiosity

falling in love with yourself
is much like relaxation
and cathartic healing
it is not a passive process
but an active one
you must push against society's desires for you
and exit cycles of relational trauma
that potentiated your insecurity
and negative self talk

if you see anything that contains the message
that you must work
to be someone
or to have something
in order to be counted worthy of love
relabel the experience
and refocus your attention
to the truth and your birthright
you are loved unconditionally

your super power
is that there is no one else
quite like you
your being
your essence
mixed with your particular divine energy
is enough
worthy of love

you have two options in this world
to love yourself unconditionally
or to love yourself conditionally
you decide which one you live out

every day
is an opportunity for healing
for selfishness
to pick yourself
and begin the process
of falling in love
with who you are
as you meet yourself
where you currently are
with much grace
and forgiveness

beyond procreation
and even beyond spiritual growth
I think the purpose of romantic relationships
is to be caretakers of each others traumatized parts
and to love those parts
and to hold space for those parts
because what that does
is it gives our partner and ourselves
what is called a disconfirming experience
that's a corrective experience
that was missing when they were growing up
so it's not that you're being their mother
or father or whatever
but you're giving this part of their personality
a safe space to finally express itself
to not be rejected
to not be abandoned
and to not be shamed
that is so so powerful
and people will try to do all kinds of stuff
instead of that
get a pluses
make ten million
do a launch
get a million followers
but all we're looking for is a corrective experience
of parts of ourselves
that have never really been allowed to see the light of day
it's an important process

all relationship drama  
the purpose of it
is to surface the trauma
and to have it be resolved in the relationship
not separated
that is the goal
to be a safe container for each other

we can use relationships
to be this container of our healing

because in relational trauma cycles
when you pick someone
who's not emotionally available
the benefit to your nervous system
is that you don't have to be be vulnerable either
so there is a level of safety in that

balance
such a colloquial word
and yet
its application is so foreign
how do I find balance between
trusting someone and questioning their motives
I don't want to be blindly trustful and get hurt
but I also don't want to be hardened
to the point that I lack trust in anyone but myself
so
what is the balance

being honest and also concealing the truth
I had a tendency of over explaining myself to others
that concealing information was immoral
that if I wanted a relationship to work
I needed to tell the honest truth and all the information
but there is a beauty
in concealing information and withholding the truth
it is an art
that I am learning to master

a being that is easy to anger
is easily controlled

our minds are an object of great power
so much so
that those whose veins run with greed
seek to manipulate that power into theirs
by stealing the currency of others
which is attention
this is then used to create neural pathways that flow with
self hatred
jealousy
envy
insecurity
unattainable beauty
great sadness
and the more these messages are seen
the more the subconscious becomes defiled
the mind is then rendered weak
until it becomes aware of its power
and desires to transform itself
neuroplasticity
it gives hope to those who believed
that there was none left for them

there are people less qualified than you
doing the things you wish to do
the only difference
they believed in themselves
you did not
this is an idea that spoke to me in volumes
when i first heard it
my wish for you
dear reader
is that you find the courage
to believe in yourself