Life's a funny old time
When I was younger
I thought I knew exactly how my life would turn out and who I would be
Now
After so much pain and trauma and accomplishments and perseverance
I no longer align with who I thought I'd be at this age in my life
I stare into mirrors and see someone who doesn't look familiar
Foreign
She is a glaring reminder that I've grown into someone I am not yet intimate with
I do not know her
She's busied herself with working overtime
Enmeshed in depression
Her first love
Mary
And the night shift life
It's a hard pill to swallow
Coming to terms with the discrepancy between who I thought I'd be with who I feel I am now
It's a constant tug between accepting and denying this reality
I wish I could continue sleep walking in the numbness this long season of depression has granted me
But I move to days in three short weeks
9 shifts left
I honor this time but recognize I am ready to set this time in my life down
It will be greatly missed
But I need day light to find time in my week to fall in love with myself again
Learning who I am now
Embracing the ways in which I've shrunk and stretched and collapsed
Exploring through boredom and hobbies old and new

How sad is it
That I cry
When someone who hurts me
Leaves

I'm not sure I've been self aware of this feeling before

Not as of late

I've tried so hard to refrain from behaving in a way that aligns with the feeling of hating who I become when I'm around another

And yet

Here she is
Mocking me again
I can't escape her
I'm tantalizingly pulled back into this familiar neural pathway of connection

I'm sorry
Sorry I instigate you intentionally

Trying to get you to lash out
So that I can lick my own wounds
Unknowingly giving you the whip intentionally
So that I may cling to the narrative of victim and transgressed
The only one who has the "right" to be upset
So that I may disregard the ugly behavior I myself have transgressed against you

I'm sorry

I know I'll go hauntingly silent mid-argument

I freeze

It's a moment of realization for myself

A mirror pushed in front of my face
A hand squishing my cheeks painfully and around my jawline
Forcing me to look at my many existent shadows in the bright fluorescent lights that cause me to wince

I can't dare whisper it out loud
No
I cannot

But I can write it in a poem
I harm
I hurt
I become brutal with my choice of words

I have temper tantrums as a twenty-four year old woman
I seldomly had the ability to when I was a kid
Not with childhood trauma and emotionally abused parents who passed on less abuse than they endured

And for that
I'm sorry
You don't deserve it
You don't deserve to take on the brunt of my parents' responsibilities

They failed me
And in you I find solace and self contempt and confusion

I'm sorry
I can't fully formulate into words what I'm doing and why
It doesn't make sense to me
And it leaves me with a mysterious shape of confusion

There is a sweetness to it
To know I can hurt you
And you can embrace it
Unlike like those who failed me when I was all too young
Sorry

I guess it's a natural by-product when you have someone you feel safe enough with to enact your trauma onto
But it doesn't take away the chronically exhaustive tone our relationship is colored in

No where feels like home
Not even if I go back
To what once was familiar in youth
It's changed
I have too
And no roots have taken ahold
All soil I encounter is unfit for anchoring

I don't feel as though I am growing
Simply trying to survive
And maintain as much as I can
Mitigate damage from lack of essentials

I'm numb
Maybe in a depressed state
For sure in a depressed state
It's grief
Again

You've left
We've said our goodbyes
And it felt inadequate
Less than what I imagined it would be

I left numb
And it has carried with me since

Goodbyes are sacred
And yet I ******* hate them
Yet this time
There was no ghosting
No bitterness left unsaid

We came
As best as we could
To each session
And as all seasons tend to go
It ended
Maybe paused
We shall see in autumn
What out souls find to be true
About what happens to us
Our dynamic relationship

I feel incomplete
Like there's this itch I must've thought I scratched
But I realize now I didn't
Oh well
The depressed state I'm in doesn't seem to worry much about it now

No one wrote this blueprint in life for me
Much of anything else
So as I've done before
I do now
Trailblaze into a territory unknown
Except this time
I no longer have her next to me
In the way I did before

Conflicted
Where do we go now
I do not wish to initiate the conversation
Nor do you
What will the ending be
Will we still have fond love for one another
Will you hate me
Is this another reinforced lesson for me
My honesty causes abandonment
Of those closest to me

I did it
I ******* did it

I feel the crushing weight of your absence
Sitting firmly and heavy
Right under my sternum

Do you feel it in this exact moment?

I've been thinking about you a lot lately
Part of me hopes that you do too

I miss you dearly
More so than anyone else in my life at the moment

It hurts me to think about you
This I am painfully aware of

Sometimes
I go to museums or the ocean to feel you
I close my eyes and pretend I will open them and see you there
Hear your boisterous laugh sync with mine
Watch as you tuck your frizzy curly plum-red mane of hair behind your ear

Our last few encounters cut me deeper than any other pain I know
The damage is insurmountable
You spat and crumbled the last bits of vulnerability I showed you with what looked like no remorse
As if I meant nothing to you

I still grieve you every time I think of you
I hate you
(I still love you)
I love you
(I still hate you)
Im glad you're gone
(Sometimes I'm not)
I wish I could pick up my phone
And call you like old times
(Sometimes I don't)
I've never deleted your number
I don't plan to anytime soon

I know the extent of my grief is a reflection of how deeply I praised our relationship
So maybe I've been silent in initiating it
The grief
Because I praised it so heavily
I'm afraid to open it up
And begin that journey
I'm just not there
Yet

Im not sure how I'll process this loss

No one ever prepared me for the grief that comes with losing a soul mate birthed in friendship

Products and/or standards of a capitalistic market
Are usually never intended to
Create long-term satisfaction
That is just not how it works
They need to shift constantly

What is "in" or on trend frequently changes
In order to be able to continue selling new products
It is based on promising a temporary product with a temporary high

When you have had a lack of mirroring
And a history of denial and dismissal
Color your harmful experiences

To see another person be moved to tears
Flips the emotional world you have mostly known your entire life upside down

It does something to the internal psyche

I may not cry with them
I may appear apathetic at times
But it's closer to stoicism
Truly

Because deep down within this conditioned mask of controlled and suppressed emotions
There's a little girl whispering thank you

Thank you for seeing my hurt
And being touched by it
Vulnerable enough to mirror for me
The grieving of my trauma

Numbing is so familiar to me
When I was a kid
My body took over to protect me
From childhood trauma and abuse
So I would go numb
My preferred defense mechanism

Now as an adult
I ingest substances to "protect" me
So I can go numb

Isn't it a little amusing  
How I'm repeating my body's natural cycles of defense in my own now
But with external resources
That are known to harm

She missed the red flags
Because they felt like home

Things will never be the exact same way as they were before
and I would like to believe that that is okay
but it hurts too much to hold the thought
I miss her
I wish he would respond to my unanswered texts

these emotions bleed from some of the most deepest parts of me
and I get afraid of the shades they come in
but I welcome them anyway
because I want to honor my midnight black moments like I would my meadow greens and sunflower yellows

I ended seasons with certain people and activities in my life
and sometimes I regret them deeply
I wish I could just text or call
but I know better than to reach out that way
it feels as if it is too late
but the hurt that I bled in front of them felt as if it went unnoticed
as if they just admired the saturated color with the ghost of a smile gracing their pursed lips

Nature should be one of our greatest teachers
It brings us back to our roots
Reminds us that we are creations in our cores as well
Invites us to come back home to our complex yet simple ways of being
Nature does not control nor stop the natural process of whatever is meant to pass or stay
We do that
So as I stand next to this tree
I admire its gift of reminding me
To let the leaves fall where they may
When it’s their time
For there is a season for all things
Some leave even when we don’t want them to
Some let go at the optimal time
And others stay longer than we hoped for
But to trust the timing

I love the sea
The consistency in her waves
Lapping at the shore
Gently
Ragingly
Lazily
Whichever way she chooses to for that day
The inviting nature of her ability to reflect light in a blurry haze
The reverence she doesn’t demand but nonetheless receives from environmentally entitled humans who are at her mercy when they decide to tread in her waters
I love the sea
So why do I recoil so viscerally at her pungent smell of salt and seaweed today
I’ve smelt it before
Even was comforted by it at times
But now
It’s too much for me
I must say goodbye early today
And turn away

Do you think that if you spend enough time at the beach
You would be able to smell the ocean
In the seams of your clothes and pockets of your jacket
Do you think it can linger and permeate
Like cigarettes and bitter goodbyes

I hope you know
You are worth it

You are worth the time and energy needed
To gently break down the walls you’ve built
Protectively around yourself

You are worth the quiet moments
You are worth the noise

You are worth the rage
You are worth the laughter

You are worth the painful tears
You are worth the face splitting smiles

I wish someone had told me
when I was much younger
To befriend
Rejection
Constructive criticism
And tension or discomfort

Most things are a balance of fears
So what do I fear more
Rejection
Criticism
Discomfort
Or missed opportunities

I hope to lean towards
The rejection
The criticism
The discomfort
The tension
In hopes of encountering more opportunities

I think I am exhausted  
Exhausted in the very depths of my soul
And no amount of sleep can help alleviate it
Only distance and a lack of contact
Physical and emotional
But it’s not an option for me right now
So instead I sleep