As the knowledge
Of Kemp moving to North Carolina
settles heavily in my bones

I realize

I crave an individual
Who does not offer solutions immediately upon a revelation of mine mid conversation
But one who sits with me as I am

In whatever shape or form it takes

One who can absorb and contain my experience of speaking a feeling or experience into words
And have them just be as they are

No need to rush the processing or movement whirling within my vessel

Sitting with me as I am
With no hurry to avoid with stirs within the other
With no hurry to feel the relief of offering surface level words of minimizing the experience my body calls me to share

To simply be with me
In my experience

I feel new yet scarred and old
I don't know exactly how to approach
Sessions anymore
I've learned I've clung to my family's trauma as a crutch
It was a constant topic
And now
It's not
And it's almost as if I forgot that there's more to my healing journey than my family alone
It's exciting and scary all at the same time
I'm nervous
And when I think about it
Beneath the nerves is a fear of the unknown waiting to take the spotlight
What other ugly monsters do I have
Ugly memories
Begging to be translated
With the perspective and insight I hold now
I feel brand new yet scarred and old
Both in many ways
I welcome what surfaces to the tip of my tongue
Understanding it's timing is divine
While also holding space for what needs a little push
For what needs an external voice saying there's never the "right" time but this one

It's weird
To have all this free time alone
It's made me realize
How long I've been anxiously moving
Working overtime
Spending time with a SO

I've forgotten how to be alone
To rest
To simply be and have nothing to do

Im sad
But not surprised

It's like learning how to ride a bike as an adult
You remember doing so as a child
But there's some time before the muscle memory finally kicks in

That is how I feel now
Waiting for the muscle memory to kick in

I'm waiting for the anxiety to subside
And the face splitting grin to appear
Once I can feel the wind slapping my hair around the perimeters of my face as I ride with glee

It will come
Not now
But soon
All too soon

This is where I belong
This is what I'm Supposed to feel
The calm
The peace
The stillness and constant white noise

The feeling of focusing solely
On the hum of the ferry beneath my feet
The salty wind as it sends goosebumps down my arms
The sun bathing my face in warmth
The sea welcoming a stranger
Me
Thank you
Thank you for letting me add a few tears into your collection
I'll see you soon

For the water is not an element we as humans have learned to conquer
nor will we ever
May it be that way